Would you reply to this Mum?

[Shleepymummy]

I have a 4 yr old DD in reception. She has a friend, call her Sue. She and Sue play nicely, get on. A few times DD has mentioned Sue has been ''mean' to her- not letting her play in the toy kitchen and not letting her play demon hunters because she had bunches. DD asked the teacher to take out her bunches so she could join in. I mentioned this to teacher and asked her to just keep an eye on it. Told DD next time to just said ok! And walk away and play with someone else. All has been find since. Sue has been invited to DD birthday party. I have never spoken to Sue's Mum, only received a text to say yes to the bday party.
Today, Sue's mum messaged me to say Sue was crying when she came out of school because DD and another child had been unkind. The message was long, not hugely accusatory of DD but sort of accusatory, explained Sue can get upset, hopes tomorrow is a better day. Sue's mum asked teacher if she noticed anything, she hadn't.
I don't know what to do.
DD is super super kind, not just saying that,'it's something everyone says about her. Not bragging, I did nothing to make that happen 😂 she is just really kind. I asked DD what happened- she said Sue was unkind so DD said well I'm not playing you and her and the other girl went off. She said she was unkind back to Sue and said next time she should be kind but just walk away. Fine.
I don't want to reply. Me and Sue's Mum are never going to be friends, or even acquaintances. She is very different to me. I don't think she should have even messaged me about it. I feel no matter what I say (unless it's a full omg I'm so sorry- naughty DD), she will come back with something else. I don't want to get into it. I have never brought up about Sue being unkind. Kids are learning social skills and they are so young, when we say unkind, it's very very mild- they don't know how to be nasty or DD certainly doesn't.
Saw my parents for a catch up and they advised ignore it, don't respond. They are however boomers and come from a time where you were just tough and that's that- no shits given. They aren't the most sociable people either so not sure I should definitely take their advice!
Thanks for making it this far- any ideas?!

Hi Sandra, I’m sorry to hear that Sue has been upset today. I’m not sure what exactly happened as I obviously wasn’t there and I’ll speak to my DD about it.

To be honest, my DD has brought up to me recently that Sue has been unkind to her at school because she has hair bunches, so it might that Sue has become upset when DD has walked away and ignored her like I told her to.

I have made the teacher aware as soon as my DD told me and she is keeping an eye on the girl’s interactions at school, so it might be wise to speak to the teacher about any concerns you have as well since she’s the one that will be aware of their behaviour whilst there.

I’m sure both of us would like the girls to get along, so hopefully we’ll still be seeing Sue at DD’s birthday party and we can get to the bottom of things there if there are any issues.

Thanks for letting me know, Shleepymummy.

PS: I know you don’t want to interact with her, but i definitely feel like she needs to know her daughter has been bullying and the blame doesn’t lie at your DD’s door! If she becomes hostile about it, just block her number.

You can also rescind Sue’s invite, of course. Instead of saying hopefully you will see her at the party, just say that it might be best if she doesn’t attend as they aren’t getting along and you don’t want your DD upset on her birthday.

Either way, I think you will sound reasonable so if mum is rude in reply to you, it says everything about her.

Hmmmmm the stuff you’re writing about the mum - knowing from pickup what ‘type’ of person she is and not engaging with people whose ‘morals don’t align’ with yours - doesn’t really make it sound like you’re the drama-free one here.

You absolutely cannot punish a child for the fact that her mother is a clueless PFB mother who doesnt understand how primary school kids work!

You can if OP’s DD doesn’t want her at her party in case she bullies her again. It’s her birthday party, she can decide if she wants Sue there or not. Also, if Sue’s mum believes that OP’s DD is the bully, she might well agree. It’s not about punishing the child at all.

I would not go into this detail. Just say thanks for letting me know.

If it happens again, I’d kick it over to teachers. “Thanks for letting me know, we’ve found the teacher to be really helpful for guidance as the kids learn social skills.”

I would reply with, "Kids eh? <eyeroll>"

Damned if I would say I would have a word with my kid in your situation.

If she sent a second text, I would ignore that but not the first one. It would be rude to just ignore it.

It happens with little girls only does it?

I must have imagined the little boy in my reception class pulling my hair, trying to kiss me at break and saying I couldn't be his friend if I chose plum crumble and custard for my pudding.

The plum crumble and custard won, in case you were wondering.

‘Sorry to hear Sue was upset. sally has had a few days like that too. I’m sure they’ll work it out, they’re just learning and I don’t think it will help for us to get involved.’

You rightly identify they they are still learning. You don’t actually know what is going on here only what your kid has told you, and what their kid has said. I think you need to stay on the fence somewhat. I’d text back and say “ I’ve spoken to xxxxx and she’s said xxxxxxxx (just be factual
nor emotive). Kids eh?! Let’s just keep and eye on it. “

This is the best response imo.

No! This is a pointless (and cruel) escalation.

Children look forward to parties.
They are going to be together for many years to come and this incident will be reminisced over and laughed at in future.

How about "I think in this case there are two sides to the story as I have heard a different account of how Sue and X's friendship has been evolving - but both the kids are young and in the end it is just a normal part of Sue and X working out their friendships and boundaries. I suggest we leave them to work it out."

“I’m sorry to hear that.”
”I’m sorry to hear that.”
”I’m sorry to hear that.”

over and over and over again until she catches on.

Then stop replying altogether.

Yes, I know that’s antagonistic. I’m antagonistic.

Best case scenario she and her daughter ditch your daughter’s birthday party.
That’s a win for both you AND the birthday girl.

Sending love and happy birthday wishes from faraway ❤️🎂

It’s not about cruelty or punishment , it’s about making the birthday child feel safe and happy. If OP’s DD doesn’t want this child at her party, they should be given that choice to say no. It is up to mum to try to convince her otherwise if she chooses to, but it’s not cruel to make the birthday child feel comfortable.

If you read my comment above the one you just quoted, you will see that I suggested she could still come to the party, but ultimately, if OP’s DD doesn’t want someone who has been unkind to her at her birthday party, she shouldn’t have to. She might still want her to come, who knows.

If OP’s DD were mine and had a situation where a child was being unkind I would ask them if they still wanted them there. If they said no and were insistent or seemed upset at the idea then I would tell the parents. You don’t want to teach them that they have to put up with such situations that make them uncomfortable.

When I look at all the mind games, tit for tat and jockeying for position being contemplated here, I really think that the boomer position of being tough and giving no shits has something going for it.

There's no point in getting involved. You gave your child some good advice; now you need to leave her to it. You cannot control your child's friendships. Your daughter is probably not as kind as you think; no kid is. Sue is probably not as mean as she's portrayed. Both kids are coming home to their respective cheerleaders and telling the tale that paints them in the best light, because that is what human beings do. They're only little. A week is a like a year in the social lives of small children. Friends come and go.They need to figure all this for themselves.

The first poster didn't say "only" little girls. You added that.

Acknowledge the message. But direct anything further to the school (if she chooses to keep up messaging about it).

They are 4 year olds finding their feet. Additional drama of parents fighting it out isn't necessary or useful.

Try not to fall into the trap of thinking your super kind child is perfect around others just because they are perfect to you.

Play ground politics - worse than being Prime Minister eh?

‘Hi - we’re also aware of some goings on having heard our DD’s side of things. I think they are still figuring out friendships and boundaries at this young age.’

Interested to see if she replies.
Also wondering what the morals bit is about..assume not this situation.

While everyone saays contact the school, I know someone who did that (and it really helped) but one of the other parents was quite put out that she hadn't spoken to her. So sometimes people prefer to hear it from a parent. Youu can't win.

Acknowledge her text but don't get involved..

"Oh dear, kids eh? I'm sure it will all be forgotten by tomorrow. "

You don't really know who started what. They're four.

I’m intrigued with this, if you don’t know this women and haven’t spoken to her before (I think that’s what you said) - how do you know what ‘type’ she is? And what ‘type’ is she?

you also mention you’d never be friends or even acquaintances…. Why - how do you know that?

is there a little unconscious bias going on here

It implied that, or else why not say "It happens with little ones", or " It happens with small children"?

Reply explaining your DD has been at the receiving end of Sue’s unkindness and you’ve already spoken to the teacher about it. Say that on this occasion Sue was, again, unkind, so your DD and another girl said they weren’t going to play with her (because she was unkind). You’ll be doing this mother a favour as Sue needs to learn the consequences of being mean to people.