Would you reply to this Mum?

[Shleepymummy]

I have a 4 yr old DD in reception. She has a friend, call her Sue. She and Sue play nicely, get on. A few times DD has mentioned Sue has been ''mean' to her- not letting her play in the toy kitchen and not letting her play demon hunters because she had bunches. DD asked the teacher to take out her bunches so she could join in. I mentioned this to teacher and asked her to just keep an eye on it. Told DD next time to just said ok! And walk away and play with someone else. All has been find since. Sue has been invited to DD birthday party. I have never spoken to Sue's Mum, only received a text to say yes to the bday party.
Today, Sue's mum messaged me to say Sue was crying when she came out of school because DD and another child had been unkind. The message was long, not hugely accusatory of DD but sort of accusatory, explained Sue can get upset, hopes tomorrow is a better day. Sue's mum asked teacher if she noticed anything, she hadn't.
I don't know what to do.
DD is super super kind, not just saying that,'it's something everyone says about her. Not bragging, I did nothing to make that happen 😂 she is just really kind. I asked DD what happened- she said Sue was unkind so DD said well I'm not playing you and her and the other girl went off. She said she was unkind back to Sue and said next time she should be kind but just walk away. Fine.
I don't want to reply. Me and Sue's Mum are never going to be friends, or even acquaintances. She is very different to me. I don't think she should have even messaged me about it. I feel no matter what I say (unless it's a full omg I'm so sorry- naughty DD), she will come back with something else. I don't want to get into it. I have never brought up about Sue being unkind. Kids are learning social skills and they are so young, when we say unkind, it's very very mild- they don't know how to be nasty or DD certainly doesn't.
Saw my parents for a catch up and they advised ignore it, don't respond. They are however boomers and come from a time where you were just tough and that's that- no shits given. They aren't the most sociable people either so not sure I should definitely take their advice!
Thanks for making it this far- any ideas?!

Probably inspired by K-Pop Demon Hunters - it is a tv show aimed at primary school aged children.

Don’t get into this, you have many many years of school drama ahead. Mention you’ve told school as your child reported similar and that she should do the same. Let school deal with it. I don’t reply to messages from parents, anyone can accuse anyone of anything.

This is the best reply

Perfect

If you really are inclined to say something I’d be inclined to message and say something like…..‘I’ve spoken to DD and apparently she went off to play with another child in retaliation because Sue had been mean to her. Kids make friends and fall out all the time you know, best let them get on with it, provided no one gets physically hurt’.

I would reply something short and simple otherwise it makes school drop off/ pick up awkward!
Didn’t RTFT and just seen you’ve replied. Good response 👍🏻

I think this is a sensible reply.
I think not replying would make it worse in long run! I’d probably just say ‘oh sorry to hear that, I’ll speak to dd.’

This is good. I would always in these situations veer towards “I’ll discuss it with my DD and teacher” and ask them to get teachers input if they want to discuss since it happened at school.

You've already replied but I might have said. "Noted. Have spoken about it. We have to remember being 4 is hard and social skills are still developing for them all."

I had a similar message from my DD friend's mum, but they are in high school!
Something along the lines of my DD had made a general comment that her DD felt was directed at her (but not specifically named as such), and offering to talk to my DD about how hurtful it was.
I said thanks for letting me know and that I had spoken to my DD, who was 'confused' by the interactions given that this friend regularly spoke to her in the same way (by name).
I quickly binned off the notion that friend's mum would be better at explaining the nuances of friendship (which I found insulting tbh), and set a firm boundary on that. I also made sure the mum knew her own dd was not a helpless innocent.
Friendship is tricky. Conversation is nuanced. People need to learn how to manage themselves and the situation. I spoke to my DD about being kind to others and not making sweeping statements that may offend
Fwiw, this child was like Sue in primary school, telling DD that she wasn't her friend if she didn't play XYZ
Hope things get better for you OP

You’re over thinking it and this is the wrong way to go if you don’t want to get overly involved. I would just message back as you’ve posted here - that according to your DD Sue has been unkind a couple of times, including this incident and that’s why she was unkind back. Tell her they’re both navigating social skills and that at this point you’re not overly concerned.

So do I!

I am similar! Hope you get it sorted ! X

We had similar when dd was little, our Sue was jealous of the attention dd got from teachers (medical condition that needs meds administered and regular checks during the day) so would pinch, scratch, poke her with sticks. She poke a stick in dd's eye once. I never said a word to the parents (mum and I were friendly) but left it all with school.

Then one day, Sue pinned dd against the glass wall in the corridor, threatened her. Hit dd. And dd defended herself and shoved Sue away. Sue lost he balance and fell into the coat racks hurting herself.

Dd went straight to the teachers and confessed, including the reasons for it.

School spoke to me and Sue's mum separately.

It was made clear that dd's behaviour wasn't acceptable but was understandable given the bullying from Sue.

Sue's mum went apeshit. I ended up blocking her because by not engaging she escalated significantly.

Personally, whilst I understand your gut instinct to ignore, I would simply say something along the lines of "thanks for confirming about the party. I think anybissues between the girls at achool should be dealt with by school."

I would then contact the class teacher and the head and advise them of the issue and ask them to keep a watch for any retaliation.

I think that’s a sensible approach. I always find it really odd when parents confront other parents about playground issues, because you can’t possibly know the full story. I hope that puts a full stop to the discussion, but if it doesn’t, I think I’d say something along those lines; ‘I must admit I want to let school to resolve things like this, because they have the full picture that we don’t. Have a lovely weekend’ and then don’t engage again

I find it utterly bizarre that a parent would message another over incidents happening at school. At the end of the day, both children are young, they are learning how friendships work, the joys and the pitfalls. Also children can exaggerate (I've worked with Infant/Junior school children for 15 years) and also don't always tell parents the full story (as in Sue's case, where she's not told her Mum that she was mean to the other child). Context is often needed in these situations. The teaching staff are those who need to deal with these type of incidents, when happening in school, because they are there, a parent isn't. If there's more to it, than general squabbling, then a teacher should be speaking to the parents. By all means tell staff concerns, but leave it to them.

Reply back: Thanks for letting me know.

Girls get worse for squabbling the older they get. The Year 4 girls at the school I work at, can be dreadful but it's part of growing-up and normal.

Please don’t make a big thing of this OP. DD and sue could end up being friends in the long term or they might not. But please don’t put adult feelings on this. I’ve encountered this when DC1 started school and was genuinely quite taken aback at how emotionally invested parents got when their very young kids had a minor (and developmentally normal) disagreement. I too told DC1 to just walk away but also very much didn’t give it any more weight than that. I’ve witnessed parents going into overdrive about supposed slights between friends and the kids are literally best friends the next day.

I like this message.

It could prompt another message from the mother, which I would then ignore.

And I wouldn't reply straight away @Shleepymummy

Always ask yourself. What would the Queen do....

Recollections may vary

🤣

Well done, you were more polite than I would be!

They do though. Parents get mental when their kids are this age, some are much more prone to it than others. I had one woman going so batshit at me it cut my voice mail off (that's how long ago it was.) I had to go to the school to see what the fuck was going on and they rolled their eyes - she had form (older sibling had been at the same school.)

I’d just send pp’s suggestion. I disagree with ignoring it. I think that can cause problems further down the line.

i think ignoring it can be read as you admitting your dd was in the wrong. You can reply without turning it into a massive drama.

it’s important you show dd you have her back and also how to defend yourself politely and calmly.

I would acknowledge it with a "thanks for letting me know, have spoken to DD about it, sounds like they had a little tiff and I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day" I wouldn't engage any further from there as it would likely blow up as we all get mama bear instinct and turn into raving loonies about our kids. 😂

Acknowledge it otherwise she may seek you out to speak to you

you super kind DD may have bern unkind you can never rule that out

who cares if she speaks to her DD ? Not

bit snobby to suggest that you wont ever be friends with her

Goodness - what a storm in a teacup @Shleepymummy .

I'm a mum and also a retired teacher.

I'd do as much as you can to ignore this without appearing rude.

This other mum is a bit out of order messaging you over what appears to be a non-event in terms of classroom behaviour.

I'd always refer her back to the class teacher, as you cannot get into this silly exchange of 'your child did this to mine ' over every single minor thing.

I'd just reply with 'Thanks for your message. I'm sure the teacher [name of] will step in if they see any issues.'

You cannot get drawn into small issues with 4 year olds. and worse, rely on their interpretation of what happened.