Would you reply to this Mum?

[Shleepymummy]

I have a 4 yr old DD in reception. She has a friend, call her Sue. She and Sue play nicely, get on. A few times DD has mentioned Sue has been ''mean' to her- not letting her play in the toy kitchen and not letting her play demon hunters because she had bunches. DD asked the teacher to take out her bunches so she could join in. I mentioned this to teacher and asked her to just keep an eye on it. Told DD next time to just said ok! And walk away and play with someone else. All has been find since. Sue has been invited to DD birthday party. I have never spoken to Sue's Mum, only received a text to say yes to the bday party.
Today, Sue's mum messaged me to say Sue was crying when she came out of school because DD and another child had been unkind. The message was long, not hugely accusatory of DD but sort of accusatory, explained Sue can get upset, hopes tomorrow is a better day. Sue's mum asked teacher if she noticed anything, she hadn't.
I don't know what to do.
DD is super super kind, not just saying that,'it's something everyone says about her. Not bragging, I did nothing to make that happen 😂 she is just really kind. I asked DD what happened- she said Sue was unkind so DD said well I'm not playing you and her and the other girl went off. She said she was unkind back to Sue and said next time she should be kind but just walk away. Fine.
I don't want to reply. Me and Sue's Mum are never going to be friends, or even acquaintances. She is very different to me. I don't think she should have even messaged me about it. I feel no matter what I say (unless it's a full omg I'm so sorry- naughty DD), she will come back with something else. I don't want to get into it. I have never brought up about Sue being unkind. Kids are learning social skills and they are so young, when we say unkind, it's very very mild- they don't know how to be nasty or DD certainly doesn't.
Saw my parents for a catch up and they advised ignore it, don't respond. They are however boomers and come from a time where you were just tough and that's that- no shits given. They aren't the most sociable people either so not sure I should definitely take their advice!
Thanks for making it this far- any ideas?!

This ^ is what I would say .

If the other parent is concerned the correct thing to do is speak to school.

But messaging is never the right course, because tone gets lost and misunderstandings happen.

Speaking as a teacher, the mum sounds like a potential nightmare. And may never believe her darling is in the wrong. Think you made the right decision. In future refer it back to school - you weren't there and nor was Sue's mum, so neither of you actually knows what happened.

Maybe another possible reply is 'It's so hard not knowing what happens in school isn't it? I'll ask the teacher to let me know what's going on'.

I have had this kind of thing with my girls and it is definitely best to go with the school. I tried approaching a parent once and it all blew up in my face! No one wants to hear that their child is in fact a little shit!

Ah the joys of primary and crazy mums.

why though, as parents why push the responsibility onto the school, they’ve ask school and the teacher clearly isn’t aware. As parents surely we should be able to speak to each other and both agree kids at times need remaining how to be kind, as a parent if my child has been mean to someone of course I would rather know so I can help correct that behaviour.

if op said she received a message accusing her daughter of all kinds that’s different, but she hasn’t

Yes have said school can keep an eye on it. I brought it up with the school a few weeks ago and sounds like Sues mum asked today so hopefully school will keep tabs. I've acknowledged it, and I'll be polite at the party if she comes.
Im sure the girls will work it out. Thankfully no physical violence, or nasty language. Just the classics

My Mum had this situation with me many decades ago when a friend and I fell out (we’re still friends, actually!) We were about 9, and her Dad (her parents were divorced) came to speak to my Mum about it. Didn’t know what was said at the time, but it came up in discussion years later, when I was a parent and I remember being very impressed by my Mum’s diplomacy skills. When told of the argument, she had said that with two such strong personalities, the odd disagreement was only to be expected, and that it would probably all be forgotten the next day (which it was). Have often thought it was a great response!

Because if it happens in school, it has to be observed and managed in school. Most of the time the parents have zero reliable info.

Parents getting involved makes it worse, not better.

If school need parental support they will ask - then the parents' job is to step up in the right way.

Just to add - no one normal ‘likes’ confrontation, but some of us have learned that it’s required sometimes. Don’t allow yourself to be walked over by her bullishness.

And do not prioritise your daughter being ‘kind’ over her being able to stand up for herself (she sounds like shes doing a fab job, as do you), she will thank you for it.

The biggest gift my mum gave me was to teach me how to advocate for myself and she led by example.

I wonder if she’ll send an essay back. If so the appropriate reply to that would be the thumbs up emoji 😂

It as taken me years to realise that you need to ask a whingy child what happened before the bit they are complaining about. They won't tell you the full story when they know the first part paints them in a poor light.

I'm not surprised that Sue only told her mum half of the story.

I think this is the best reply. I mean it’s never going to end positively I expect, whatever your response is…but at least this way she’ll know what’s really going on but it’s not super bitchy.

Absolutely. I always asked my son ‘and how did that come about then?’ before I formed an opinion.

The joys!
I think you gave a good response fwiw.

That would have riled me up and she'd probably have got:

"It sounds like Sue has got her wires crossed. After multiple incidents of Sue being unkind to DD, I advised DD not to play with Sue if Sue cannot use kind words. This is what happened today and DD will continue to walk away from Sue if she is unkind."

I appreciate that this would cause chaos at the school gates though. 😂

Yep you come across so judgmental, so many assumptions. You’re also overthinking it. Simply acknowledge the message, state you are aware it’s been tough and you’ve spoken to your dd and trust she will do the same.

I think ignoring is a bit off. Wait a bit, ie a day or two. And say - ‘oh no, hopefully all sorts itself out. I’m sure they’ll figure it out’ then leave it

I don't understand parents getting involved so much. It's all part of childhood and growing isn't it? To learn how to cope with unkind actions and words from their peers. Unless out and out bullying, I wouldn't dream to sending a message to the mum and probably wouldn't do that either, instead get the school involved.

I was noticing that many people here are happy to accept that Sue has been nasty several times before and Sue hasn't told the whole picture.

Being 4yo it's very likely that they both have been nasty, quite likely without meaning to, because they're 4yo. It's also very likely they have both told a biased story about what happened because they didn't realise what effect their own words had on the other.

Don't start a cold war against the other mum who may have been reaching out simply to try andxwork out what had gone in and wanting to make it better for both girls.

Smile and move on. The girls almost certainly will have by tomorrow.

Perfect.

It’s so hard isn’t it. At reception age I declined a party invite as the girl had been really unkind to my child at two previous get togethers. Made the mistake of telling the mum this was why we weren’t going and good lord she absolutely hit the roof. We don’t speak at all anymore. I’ve simply politely declined invites no reason given ever since!

So, yes - don’t rise to it, keep it civil and polite and stay well out of any drama!!

Had a parent like this when DD1 was in primary.

Nothing was her DD's fault ever. She was always getting picked on by other kids.....never mind that she was a horrible girl who would be so nasty to the more confident girls (envy probably) and bullied the less confident ones into being her "friends". This went on all through primary who were frankly useless.

Senior school was a different matter. I saw her mother when they were in Y8. According to her mother she was bullied and the school did nothing, the teachers picked on her and the school did nothing so she was moving her to another school.

I found out later that she lasted 6 months there before mother moved her again to a school well known for its very strict behaviour code (this was ....17 ish years ago) where she was excluded. Back to school two who also excluded her and the back to school one where DD was and she was in full time for about a month until she left one day in Y10 and never came back as her mum didnt see the point in her going just to get picked on. I found all this out because I ended up working with her NDN (who's kids were also bullied by L'il Miss Perfect)!

Moral of the story? This will go on and on, so encourage other friendships and grey rock the mother.

And so it begins....

Honest to goodness. Someone once gave me best advice about other mums. Some are absolutely mad. And your DD is only 4.... I would love to say it gets better.....

It doesn't. I had one mum where the school recommended I block the other mum.... She was so awful.

This is what I was trying to say but you put it much better than me