Things not to say to pupils (alternate title: 'please floor, swallow me up')

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

[Collecting books at the end of the lesson]

Year 11 'hottie': "Oh, I've got Hamlet as well miss. Do you want that too?"

Me: "I'll take whatever you're offering"

The rest of Year 11: "Snigger"

Please reassure me that someone's said something more inappropriate to a pupil and wanted the ground to swallow them up

[sassytheFIRST]

Good, I'm glad

[lpy101]

A student teacher, who was teaching reproduction to my year 7s asked them to draw a cartoon strip of 'the process'!!

She meant the journey of a sperm....

We got some very interesting pieces of work back!!!

[AViewfromtheFridge]

I was going round getting answers from a Year 9 class and cheerfully said "Lewis, can you give me one?"

Also have said Lab Sex instead of Lab Six a couple of times.

And, this is really embarrassing. Was reading Skellig, got to the bit where they list all the birds they see. Got to "tits," at which point I got the giggles and the entire class just looked at me, slightly pityingly.

[roughtyping]

I have, more than once, gone to say 'light' then changed to 'shine' at the last minute and come dangerously close to saying 'shite'.

[roughtyping]

Have also said, very loudly, "Boys, STOP BOUNCING YOUR BALLS."

Gaaaah

[BOF]

As a young man, DP was teaching art to kids of about 11 at Camp America. In the first session, he wondered why they fell about when he said "I hope you've all remembered your rubbers, because you'll be needing them for this class!"

He was genuinely baffled at the response.

[Jacksterbear]

Just remembered I once missed out the "l" when writing "public" on the whiteboard. And I think I too have written "tits" by mistake, dogsagoodun.

Aview, yep I'm always asking my students to give me one!

[almapudden]

I was talking very volubly and enthusiastically to a group of sixth fornerd once, when I got overexcited and described something as 'fucking tragic'.

Luckily I got on with them brilliantly and they found it hilarious, so no harm done. It did make me careful not to get carried away, though!

I also told two year 8 boys who were talking during a lesson to stop flirting with each other. Cue general mirth anf derailment of the lesson for the next five minutes...

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

I've tried the 'stop flirting' line too. Never works unfortunately.

[Rowlers]

Have prob said loads of daft things but recently tried to draw a pic of a sofa on the board which somehow ended up looking like a massive cock. God knows how i managed that.

[picklepepper]

When trying to explain how to play a paper (subject specific) version of battleships to year 9, I got all tongue tied with saying "ships" so many times in a sentence and I said "so you should have six shits in total"....they didn't hesitate in falling about laughing, and still now, someone will occasionally say "how many in total miss?"

[stargirl1701]

The PE teacher asked my P7 class to pop the basketballs into the wall bars to keep them out of the way.

She said, 'Jam your balls between the bars.'

Much sniggering

[Schooldidi]

I have written P155 a few times on the board and had no idea why the class was sniggering. I now always write Page rather than just P.

One of the exercises in the textbook we use has a very unfortunate diagram when we are looking at areas of shapes made with circles. It looks just like a cock in the middle of the page I have to find alternate textbooks/worksheets to teach that topic.

[BOF]

I love these stories- any more?

[greenandcabbagelooking]

My friend told a dance class to take off their clothes. She forgot to insert the key word of "outdoor" into the sentence. And then failed to understand why I was wetting myself laughing.

[teenyweenytadpole]

I was running a forest school session with a bunch of preschoolers and a male parent helper (a Dad).

We were talking about differerent animals that live in the woods. I loudly announced "wait till we get back to preschool and I'll show you my badger".

Cue parent helper doing much sniggering and me going very red.

[SPBInDisguise]

" Rowlers

Have prob said loads of daft things but recently tried to draw a pic of a sofa on the board which somehow ended up looking like a massive cock."

It's the little things that amuse me. I can picture you desperately trying to make it look less like a cock and more like a sofa: maybe a couple of cushions at one end will help? Oh bugger...

[BellaBearisWideAwake]

I once drew a pulley system on the board during a mechanics lesson. The weights were equal lengths from the circle at the top of the pulley, and were also circular.

I then realised what I'd drawn when the class lost it!

[BellaBearisWideAwake]

I once drew a pulley system on the board during a mechanics lesson. The weights were equal lengths from the circle at the top of the pulley, and were also circular.

I then realised what I'd drawn when the class lost it!

[tabulahrasa]

Observing a teacher who told a class of S2s (13 -14 year olds) that they could teabag a piece of work to make it look older was fairly interesting, half the class were giggling away and the other half and the teacher just looked completely confused by the sudden merriment.

More disruptive - but not quite as rude, I once told a boy off for fiddling with a girl's hair when she was telling him not to by saying - you shouldn't be touching girls when they object...I lost a good five minutes of teaching time as he went Touching!!! What?????

[Jacksterbear]

at sofa cock, badger and teabagging!

[ravenAK]

Analysing text messages with top set year 10, for Spoken Language Controlled Assessment:

Me: 'So we've got the line "comin on cod later". Obviously, you lot all know your teenage sociolect, so you know it's Call of Duty, but being an old git, I might misunderstand it mightn't I?'

Boy #1: 'Yeah! You might think it meant doing something dirty with a fish!'

Boy #2: 'Yeah! Miss, you know when you said Michael Gove looks like a cross between a fish & a penis...'

Me: 'I said that? What, out loud? In front of you lot?'

[chocolateshoes]

nothing to contribute but just wanted to say that this thread has really cheered me up. Thank you!

[HankChief]

I was teaching a sex education lesson to my class of 11 year olds and part of the DVD they were watching had the song "I wanna have sex on the beach" on in the background (it was a pretty old DVD!). At the end of the lesson I did an Ask it Basket activity where they all had to write an anonymous question about anything they'd seen, for me to answer. One pupil asked the question "Do you like the song 'I wanna have sex on the beach?'" (not really the type of question I was expecting but...). I read out the question and answered it by saying "It reminds me of when I was 18..." cue 26 11 year olds wetting themselves laughing.

I was going to finish the sentence by saying because that's how old I was when it came out but I never got the chance . I was also 7 and a half months pregnant at the time of the lessons, so I spent a lot of time during those lessons blushing profusely!