Things not to say to pupils (alternate title: 'please floor, swallow me up')

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

[Collecting books at the end of the lesson]

Year 11 'hottie': "Oh, I've got Hamlet as well miss. Do you want that too?"

Me: "I'll take whatever you're offering"

The rest of Year 11: "Snigger"

Please reassure me that someone's said something more inappropriate to a pupil and wanted the ground to swallow them up

[Mynewmoniker]

Got really irritated by kid and took him outside the classroom to ask, "Why are you being so bloody rude?!" ....I think it was my PMT week.

[LadyInPink]

Ooooh dogsagoodun what is the acronym for tiptop in reference to paragraphs? Would love to know, as it will hopefully help DD to remember.

Am loving this thread

[CunfuddledAlways]

this has cheared my rubbish day up

one of our teachers once told the lads to stand ock straight against the wall, think their was a language difference but it was so funny at the time, still snigger now

[LittleBoxes]

Not a teacher, but I was rigid with suppressed laughter at the parents' curriculum evening last year, when the Y1 teacher was explaining the school's approach to phonics in front of a classroom full of parents.

'You see, a child might think "come" is spelt like this', she chirped, writing 'CUM' on the board in huge letters.

I caught the eye of one of the other mums (who is obviously as immature as I am) and that was me gone for the rest of the evening.

[Teddimac]

Have snorted at most of these! I'm not a teacher, but was volunteering at my DC's school doing group reading the other day. The word 'garments' came up, which caused general puzzlement (the context wasn't very clear) - when I asked if anyone knew what it meant, one little girl hesitantly whispered 'boobs?'. 'Not quite' I replied, trying to control tears of laughter and desperately hoping none of the other kids had heard her. No joy; helpful little boy sitting next to me piped up 'I think she means tits, miss!'

[Teddimac]

LittleBoxes, I would have been roaring, that must have been torture!

[notnowImreading]

I was teaching act 1 scene 1 of Romeo and Juliet to a year 9 class and we were playing innuendo bingo. Every time the characters mention swords or say 'thrust' etc. the pupils had to hold their hands in the air about 10 inches apart and sing 'I've got a big knob' (like Colin Frizzel in Love Actually). It's a trick I picked up from a visiting theatre group and is hilarious for me a genuinely good learning opportunity for discussing language and humour and text in performance.

Of course, at the moment when I was setting up the task and demonstrating what they had to do, another teacher from the department walked in with three disruptive year 11 boys she wanted me to discipline. I have to say, it wasn't the easiest telling off of my career.

[sassytheFIRST]

Loving the big knob game - might use a version of that for act 3 sc 1 next week...

On a more boring note - Tiptop is
Change paragraph when there is a change of
Time
Place
Topic
Person speaking .

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

Another English teacher loving the big nob game - but I have sworn to never, ever teach R&J again, as it bores me to tears.

[notnowImreading]

Male sure you trust your class!

[LaPantsMacabre]

I refuse to believe the juxtaposition of Sack, Back and Crack in DS2s Yr2 quick start spellings was an accident....i too locked eyes with a fellow mum and stifled my giggles.

[AViewfromtheFridge]

I've thought of another one - we were having work done so my workstation was facing away from the class. I had to keep turning round and complained: "Ooh, it's a pain! My neck, my back..."

There was a stunned silence as we all finished off the song in our heads and looked at each other in horror.

Raven, that's exactly what Michael Gove looks like! How observant!

[blueemerald]

A history trainee teacher with me at my last school wrote King Cunt on the board rather than Cnut. Luckily she was writing another sentence and the Year 7 (!!) sitting nearest her whispered urgently "miss..you..spelling" before anyone else noticed!

[PatTheHammer]

Teaching Science is riddled with little traps. Drawing an oxygen molecule a certain way looks like a pair of cartoon tits, drawing a test tube upside down looks like a cock. Close up images of stomata......use your imagination. And don't get me started on plant hormone diagrams.

Also the poor students who misread 'organism' nearly every time.
We usually have a bloody good laugh at some innuendo, intentional or not, most lessons.

Probably best when teaching food webs not to say 'So what would be a consequence if all the Great Tits died out'......... Got rid of that food web pretty sharpish.

[Twink]

This has made me feel so much better about some of the stuff that's fallen out of my mouth. One of the worst was while berating a y9 lad after he'd been sent out, 'will you please stop being such a dickhead' came out instead of dimwit...

Most of my embarrassment is self-inflicted, like the day I took my sweater off, forgetting my T-shirt was emblazoned 'Threesome?' It was a triathlon shirt with pictures of swimming, biking & running but they ignored that bit... 'Miss, should you be wearing that in school?' Err no...

[PotteringAlong]

In my GCSE textbook (RE) the sex outside marriage section is on page 69. Someone at AQA didn't think it through...

[oldspeckledtam]

Made myself a cup of tea in our office and was wandering over to the bin,which was right by the open door, with the used tea bag on a spoon.

As I got there, a great hulking y11 lad dived past me to grab a football.

"Careful!" I exclaimed," I nearly tea bagged you!"

He looked at me to see if I understood what I'd said and rather than feigning ignorance , I went puce and burst out laughing. As did the rest of the football team.

I also accidentally drew cocks all over my whiteboard during a lesson. (It was supposed to be a meaningless squiggle but from a distance, they were cocks) It was during the first lesson with new year seven and I only realised when I saw they were all looking slightly shocked and a bit giggly.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Oh my! We made it into the talk round up. I dint think I've ever been in it before. I'm so relieved it's not just me who suffers from inappropriatitis - and very glad to be learning some lesson ideas at the same time. Now, where can I fit big nobs in...?

[ChristineDaae]

Oh I love this thread!! DP thinks iv lost it sat here crying with laughter!

[motherinferior]

Please tell me that double entendre was deliberate, ATruth.

I do hope some of you teach my daughters.

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

What IS teabagging? Dare I even ask?

[TwllBach]

I've been quoted in the round up

First.
Time.
Ever.

[CabbageLooking]

Teaching an all-boy Yr11 History class. They had been messing around all lesson and it was nearly exam time. I saw one of them had drawn a huge penis on a piece of paper and I completely lost my temper. I went into a very long, furious and (if I say so myself) very effective rant about how they were wasting their time and would never amount to anything if they didn't shape up. They were all looking utterly shame-faced until I completed my diatribe with the immortal words: "and all you lot can do is play about with your paper genitalia". Funnily enough none of them could keep a straight face after that. Neither could I to be fair.