Things not to say to pupils (alternate title: 'please floor, swallow me up')

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

[Collecting books at the end of the lesson]

Year 11 'hottie': "Oh, I've got Hamlet as well miss. Do you want that too?"

Me: "I'll take whatever you're offering"

The rest of Year 11: "Snigger"

Please reassure me that someone's said something more inappropriate to a pupil and wanted the ground to swallow them up

[birdling]

Thought I'd bring this back for more giggles

[IHeartKingThistle]

[Schooldidi]

I have just had a truly mortifying lesson with year 11. I put up a question we were going to solve using Pythagoras Theorem in 3D. I found it from a past exam paper.

Larry put's his wand in a box. (picture of the box, with dimensions)
His wand only just fits into the box.
How long is Larry's wand?

How did I not realise that year 11 would find some of that dirty? They started off with slight sniggers, then quickly descended into hysterics, with an awful lot of double entendres and insinuations flying around the room. We did manage to finish the example but the insinuations began again once we discovered that Larry's wand is in fact 25cm. Some of the boys felt rather inadequate I think.

[AmIGoingMad]

These are hysterical ! I'm crying laughing!

[Jacksterbear]

Hahahaha at "mass debate"!

Loving that this thread is still going!

[kitchenidiots]

Whilst reading out loud to my year 5's, instead of saying "In the centre of the town stood a giant clock...", it appeared that there was a large 'cock' there instead. They didn't notice, but I certainly did!

One I didn't get away with so easily was when a group of year 8 boys were discussing where a certain other boy was when I was trying to get through the register. (I still can't believe I ACTUALLY said this): "Come on there's no need to have a mass debate." I have NEVER lived it down.

[complexnumber]

I was covering a lesson in a grim W. London comp. It was raining outside when I asked the class into the portakabin that was the classroom.

Me: Anne, can you take your coat off please...

No reaction

Me: ANNE, please take your coat off!

Still no reaction

Me: ANNE, CAN WE HAVE IT OFF PLEASE!


me: please calm down class

[SolidGoldBrass]

Nothing to share but loving the thread.

[Schooldidi]

Year 8 this afternoon, low ability maths group.

Pupil: How long is an inch?
Me: About this long (holding my fingers about an inch apart)
Pupil: So how long is 6 inches? About this long? (holding his hands about a foot apart)
Me: No, about the length of those little rulers
Pupil: That's really tiny though!
Me: Depends what you're measuring.

Cue half the class descending into giggles at the thought of what I was thinking about measuring, the other half didn't have a clue what they found so funny.

[deleted203]

I've said many hideous things over the years (most of which I've blanked from my memory) but today managed to say to a couple of Y11 lads who were discussing an absent pupil, 'Yeah - I'd 'do' Paul'. .

They looked stunned and I said, 'I think I'll rephrase that' and then couldn't even think what it was I had intended to say...except that it was something along the lines of 'I would have done the same'. (They were discussing the fact that he'd been given a sanction).

(I am middle aged - and would NOT like to 'do' Paul, may I add!)

[cardibach]

I have a Skellig one, too. My class had been given e section of the novel to prepare for reading aloud. One fo the girls had the list of birds with 'tits' in it and was a bit worried. Another had a bit about slurping. I said she shouldn't worry as 'Keira has got tits'
My BIology teacher when I was in sixth form came into our lesson from a Y10 class saying she couldn't go back. SHe had just been explaining about a faulty batch of condoms which had holes in them. SHe had told them they were all full of little pricks...

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Well, I haven't spotted my mum on this thread (music teacher) so I'll tell hers. Her year 8 class were discussing crisps and asked what her favourite flavour was. Trying to be a bit slangy and 'street' she announced "I LOVE prawny cocks!"

On another occasion my younger sister was being very fussy and high maintenance on some issue, and my mum tried to think of a way to draw a comparison with "The Princess and the Pea" Eventually she sputtered "Oh well FINE, Princess Penis!" (As in Royal Highness - Princess Pea - Princess Pea-ness.) Only my mum manages things like this.

[GW297]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but one of the children asked me today who the first man on the moon was. My reply? It was Lance Armstrong... No wait - that doesn't sound right! Ask me again!

[Nellymay]

I asked my y10 boys if they got any queries

also at a multi agency meeting to discuss a y9 boys poor behaviour with his mother the boys head of year starts on about him being caught simulating masturbation in a lesson and his mum joins it at this point by saying very loudly to her son "DID YOU AV A BONE ON? YOU'RE DISGUSTING" We tried to steer the meeting into calmer waters at this point.....

[lecce]

I was collecting in books and had been working my way from the front of the (Yr11) class to the back. I missed a row as there was only one lad on it and, when he alerted me to this, I chirped breezily, "Oh, it's ok, Ryan, I'll take it from behind!"

Much sniggering from everyone and poor old Ryan looked mortified!

[candr]

Love these, have sat pmsl with DH, wish I could think of some I have said but think I may have hidden them in deep corner of brain.

[startwig1982]

I managed to say to one of my year 10 'I don't mind it either way' to which one of the wittier, dirty minded girls replied, 'I'm sure you do, Miss'.

Cue much hilarity and chaos.

[EduCated]

Bloody hell, catsrus, that story is absolutely bizarre!

[GW297]

This is hilarious, especially the tea bag ones!

[crazypaving]

good lord I must not read threads like this whilst holding a sleeping baby...

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Thank you tabulahrasa; that is exactly what I meant. Sorry if you misunderstood MrsBucketxx; I certainly wasn't suggesting I was attracted to any pupils

[EdwiniasRevenge]

As a student teacher I was talking a group of yr7s through the story board of cell division.

Unfortunately the class realised before me that my dividing cell drawn neatly on the whiteboard looked just like a large pair breasts...complete with nipples...

[catsrus]

I was a young teacher back in the 70's, working in a girl's convent school. One of the nuns asked me to read this story at assembly. A moral tale of the effects of being nice to people vs being nasty.

As the whole school began to titter and the staff on stage turned puce with the effort of trying not to laugh I realised I was saying it was better to get a 'warm fuzzy' than a 'cold prickly'. Knowing no better I carried on as the room dissolved around me and the elderly nun hadn't got a clue why...

[nightswimmer]

no mrsbucket it was meant like tabuahrasa said.....don't look for things to get prudish about now!