Things not to say to pupils (alternate title: 'please floor, swallow me up')

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

[Collecting books at the end of the lesson]

Year 11 'hottie': "Oh, I've got Hamlet as well miss. Do you want that too?"

Me: "I'll take whatever you're offering"

The rest of Year 11: "Snigger"

Please reassure me that someone's said something more inappropriate to a pupil and wanted the ground to swallow them up

No, that one was deliberate motherinferior

When I was in year 9 we were having a sex ed class and mr geography was teaching us

He came in saying he wanted us to talk frankly but understood it was difficult and was trying to put us at ease

He told us that he found it difficult too, especially anal sex, so he had been practising anal sex with mr music teacher in the staff room!

Queue lots of laughter and the teacher going bright red and leaving the room -poor man!

Years ago I had a lovely but very camp boy in my Yr 9 class. He strutted into class one day saying, 'Well I don't know what all the fuss is about anyway with fellatio (pronounced Fell - ATT - ee - o). I just yawned and said, 'I agree. Besides, everyone knows that oral sex just means talking about it.' Cue him looking utterly flabbergasted and then asking in a teeny little voice, 'DOES it, miss? I thought it was something else.'

Wouldn't dare say anything like that now though...

I had to look it up too Remus

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teabagging

I got quoted in the roundup! Why am I this excited?!!

When I worked in a sixth form college, I had a girl in my office and I tried to reach for some paperwork to give her. While doing this, I was muttering to myself 'if I can get it' but somehow she heard it as 'fuck it'. She collapsed into a fit of giggles and for a few seconds I was completely non-plussed but then it twigged. As she went out the office I shouted out 'I did not swear!' I don't think she believed me though.

I've also told some y4 boys to hold onto their balls but luckily that seemed to go over their heads.

Im a TA and have had loads!
One of my worst ones was when talking to a year 10 boy at the end of a lesson about which teachers he liked and didn't like. I was trying really hard to give appropriate agreements about the 'good' teachers and disagreements about the bad until it got to:

Boy: People keep saying Miss X is a rubbish teacher.
Me: Oh I'm sure she isn't.
Boy: Dunno, wish I was in her class though.
Me: Why's that?
Boy: Cos she's f*cking hot ain't she miss.
Me: Oh god yes!
Boy:
Me: Damn!

(I'm bi and 'Miss X is rather lush! )

I've remembered another one, although this wasn't me but a very serious, very strict, very academic teacher in my department - the kind of teacher you can only ever give the top set because pupils aiming for anything less than a B are baffled.

Moderating GCSE literature controlled assessments, I was reading her written comments in the margin. She has fairly indecipherable handwriting anyway and tends to use a lot of abbreviations. The pupil had good understanding but close analysis of language was lacking. The teacher had written 'more anal please' over and over again down the margin.

I'm I the only one thinking calling a year 11 pupil a "hottie" wrong.

it wouldn't be accepted the other would it?

I assumed that the inverted commas were being used as quotation marks showing that he was the class hottie as judged by them, which is why the class found it amusing, not that the OP thought he was sexually attractive.

it didn't read like that to me ...

I was going to say the same thing tabulahrasa as that's how I read it too.
Anyway, very funny thread this! Loving the stories.

no mrsbucket it was meant like tabuahrasa said.....don't look for things to get prudish about now!

I was a young teacher back in the 70's, working in a girl's convent school. One of the nuns asked me to read this story at assembly. A moral tale of the effects of being nice to people vs being nasty.

As the whole school began to titter and the staff on stage turned puce with the effort of trying not to laugh I realised I was saying it was better to get a 'warm fuzzy' than a 'cold prickly'. Knowing no better I carried on as the room dissolved around me and the elderly nun hadn't got a clue why...

As a student teacher I was talking a group of yr7s through the story board of cell division.

Unfortunately the class realised before me that my dividing cell drawn neatly on the whiteboard looked just like a large pair breasts...complete with nipples...

Thank you tabulahrasa; that is exactly what I meant. Sorry if you misunderstood MrsBucketxx; I certainly wasn't suggesting I was attracted to any pupils

good lord I must not read threads like this whilst holding a sleeping baby...

This is hilarious, especially the tea bag ones!

Bloody hell, catsrus, that story is absolutely bizarre!

I managed to say to one of my year 10 'I don't mind it either way' to which one of the wittier, dirty minded girls replied, 'I'm sure you do, Miss'.

Cue much hilarity and chaos.

Love these, have sat pmsl with DH, wish I could think of some I have said but think I may have hidden them in deep corner of brain.

I was collecting in books and had been working my way from the front of the (Yr11) class to the back. I missed a row as there was only one lad on it and, when he alerted me to this, I chirped breezily, "Oh, it's ok, Ryan, I'll take it from behind!"

Much sniggering from everyone and poor old Ryan looked mortified!

I asked my y10 boys if they got any queries

also at a multi agency meeting to discuss a y9 boys poor behaviour with his mother the boys head of year starts on about him being caught simulating masturbation in a lesson and his mum joins it at this point by saying very loudly to her son "DID YOU AV A BONE ON? YOU'RE DISGUSTING" We tried to steer the meeting into calmer waters at this point.....