Dear Harry .. a note on farhers

[NameChangeForThisOne0]

Dear Harry

Let me tell.you about my father. My earliest memories of him are not about walks in the royal gardens or being called 'my darling' child. They are of witnessing my mum being beaten up, my siblings being beaten and police being called to the door. My earliest memories are of fear of my dad, a rumbling stomach as we couldn't afford the luxury of 3 hot meals a day (or even one).

Far from having the smaller bedroom to my siblings, I shared my room in our 2 bed flat with my mum and dad, and later when he left, never to return, just with my mum. I don't begrudge my siblings had their own space that was bigger than mine. That's life.

I didn't have the privilege of eating less sausages for dinner than my siblings. I do remember however, being beaten for spilling a can of soup on the floor, since that was meant to be dinner for the family for that evening.

As far as I can see, and I know it's only based on what you say, and the media, but it seems your father loves you. You haven't lived in fear of him. He's more than provided for you. You've never gone hungry. Both you and Meghan have father's who have never abandoned you, despite all you have both done, and no doubt they would likely always welcome you back.

If either of your parents had adopted me as a kid I'd have thought all my dreams would have come true

I know you didn't get as many hugs as you'd have liked. I am so sad for you that you lost your mum.

But there is something important about recognising and appreciating what you have, when so many others could only dream of it.

I hope one day you stop selling out the family you have and that love you. Love is all you need, and a parent who's tried his best. None of us are perfect.

@LCforlife your comment was nasty and uncalled for. It wasn’t a “really weird thread” at all.

This site provides an outlet for people to anonymously air their feelings and grievances and ask questions. From my observations it’s also enables camaraderie for those who find motherhood quite a lonely/isolating existence.

It is more than clear (to anyone with basic social intelligence and a grasp of the English language) that @NameChangeForThisOne0 was sharing her feelings. She was trying to convey what real childhood hardship looks like. She was trying to start a dialogue. I think she more than succeeded.

Your response to her post was not just blunt it was also cruel.

I doubt that you would be so nasty if this site weren’t anonymous.

There is no doubt that despite all the advantages of wealth and privilege, both H & W did have it rough as the children of two parents from very dysfuntioncal families, witnessing the breakdown of their parents marriage plastered over the tabloid press, in the most excrutiating and personal detail. But why on earth then, does he want to subject his own children and his niece and nephews to the embarrassing details in his book? Do they, or anyone else, really need to know about his frostbite, his sexual experiences, his drug taking etc.?

i think you have a good point. Harry would be so much better off focusing on all the good things about his life and spending more time with people worse off. William had the same trauma but hasn’t turned into a woe is me misery guts.

Ok, sorry if I was minimising. I think I don't really get it. I haven't seen anything that looks.that bad to me. But if it was horrendous for him living in his family, then I obviously feel for him and am sad for whatever he went through.

You don't get to decide what is that bad and what isn't. You don't get to decide what is allowed to affect him.

Yes I know, I have taken that point and have said that if his life was horrible for him then I feel sad for him. I do feel sorry for him. What more do you want me to say exactly?

@NameChangeForThisOne0 I hope you're ok now.

I guess Harry's situation is an example of hedonic adaptation. We get used to what we have so it doesn't 'count'. But William and Kate not instantly loving meghan hurt harry a lot because despite every material comfort he is a bit troubled and arrested developmentally at about 12.

Having read the replies to my post, I have been doing a bit of thinking, and I think one thing that's unnerved me about this thread is that I'm now a parent myself. I don't abuse or neglect my children in any way, but I'm far from perfect. I always assumed (and have read somewhere I think!!) that there's such a thing as 'good enough' parenting. When I do something wrong as a parent, I tell myself 'its ok, you love your children and are trying your best'. I thought his would be enough and when they are older, any mistakes I've made they would understand, since they will have felt loved by me and know I tried and they love me.

I am lucky to have a lovely DH, but if anything happened to him, I don't know what kind of parent I'd be. Again, I figured that I would just have to keep loving my children and trying my best and that would be enough.

But this thread has made me see that this is not enough. That no matter how hard you try, how good your intent and how much you love your children, they can still grow up with hate in their heart and blame you for whatever.

I guess it just makes me feel sad and worry about whether I am doing a good enough job as a parent.

Ps. Thanks to everyone that's replied. The nice comments have been lovely, but thanks too for the not so kind ones, they've all made me think, so that's all good! Now a bit more thinking to do .....

@Intrepidescape it wasn't meant to be nasty but was maybe a bit dismissive.

Trying to compare or have a trauma top trumps is unhelpful and I would hate for other people to read this post and think they don't deserve to feel grief or pain because they had wealth and privilege.

The OP is now recognising this and I really don't think the thread has been helpful for them at all.

It has actually been a helpful thread LCforlife. It's made me think. I still am not a fan of H making his family's affairs public, but clearly that's a me thing, and something I need to, and will reflect on

Intrepid - thanks :)

Thanks! I'm all good! A bit confused, and questioning some of my morals and my assumptions, and my parenting skills! But that's how we learn right!? :)

I think the fact that you are conscious of this and thinking about how you parent is a big part of that battle tbh.
You care and want to do a good job so you will therefore think about your decisions and actions.

Kids are resilient, they don't need perfect parenting. They need to be your priority. They need love, acceptance, space to grow and develop in a healthy way is all important.

You will make mistakes, every parent does so please don't torture yourself.

OP I agree with you that Harry and Meghan both come across as too harsh on their fathers.

I see that Harry is traumatized and could understand if he wanted to do an interview about PTSD and losing his mother.

But a musery memoir moaning about every little detail, from such a privileged person? Tone deaf.

You sound like a good mum to me. You think about things, are prepared to listen and to change your mind when you see a different perspective. Good enough is a perfectly fine parenting objective.

I empathise with your childhood. It affects your whole approach to life, doesn't it?

Have a look at Adverse Childhood Experience - it's a fascinating insight to how childhood events can affect a persons whole life and how supportive interventions can help to mitigate the long term outcomes.

FWIW, I sympathise with Harry while at the same time thinking he's behaved terribly towards his family. Perhaps he didn't know how else to express his feelings and (unfortunately for him) this seemed a way to get things off his chest that would be listened to. Many's the time I've wanted people around me to know how I felt let down and abused by them but (thank God) no one would be interested in buying any book I wrote or watched my interviews. Sadly, various outlets have jumped at the opportunity to use his pain and exploit it.

I'm sorry to hear about your abuse, Op.

Harry may not have suffered as much in the way of physical abuse but he has suffered a LOT in terms of emotional abuse and neglect. And these have clearly affected him deeply psychologically. EA and EN are just not talked about enough in general, they are glossed over but can be extremely cruel and destructive to a growing child, sometimes even more so than physical because it creates deeper psychological effects that takes years/decades to unravel.

Coldness, lack of hugs, humiliation, being the scapegoat, being made fun of in public, gaslighting, hypercriticism, being ignored, being over-controlled, being shouted at - in private and in front of people.... all these things can really undermine and destroy a child.

Harry has definitely suffered many of these, especially the humiliation (in the media, on a public scale eg while at school etc), and coldness in terms of his family, and being thought of as second best/spare option. Leaked stories in the paper about his apparent "thickness", etc all these things publicly defined him in a way that he never allowed. I understand the anger he must feel because I went through similar things (not in the media of course). I grew up with an overcontrolling, hypercritical mother who would loudly criticise me to anyone who would listen and I still feel extreme anger that she defined me to others that made them think less of me rather than allow them to get to know me. It left me with a lot of issues, such as selective mutism, panic, feeling of emptiness and other things that still affect every aspect of my life.

He's clearly been through a lot of therapy and it shows. He's seeing things clearly now and speaking up about it. And I actually applaud him for it. It might sound like he's being childish but I think it affected his development and only now he's becoming to recover. Sometimes you need to call things out in the open, and if it means you burn bridges you burn bridges.
You never know, it might make the RF more self-reflective about their own behaviour as a family.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of an essay.

I get you OP. He is wallowing in self pity rather than focusing on being grateful. So many others have it far worse.

Bugeyedowl - so sorry you went through that experience.

I understand emotional abuse can be worse than physical.

I guess it's just hard to know where the line is between normal family discord and emotional abuse. I haven't really heard anything which implies Charles was emotionally abusive. I doubt he criticised Harry alot but I don't know that. I dont think he's as cold as people make out. He calls Harry 'my darling' boy. There are pictures of him patting his back, hugging him. He spent time tickling him at night to help him sleep.

If you r right that the royal family fed the 'he's thick' line to the media, then yes that's horrendous. But I always thought the media told about Harry's grades at school and the public came to the thick conclusion themself. I'd be surprised if Charles would be mean enough to call his child thick or leak such sentiment to the press. I guess we don't know the truth, but it does seem clear Charles loves his son and William loves his brother.

@Bugeyedowl

I think that's very well described
@NameChangeForThisOne0
I haven't read the book, but I did watch the Netflix series ( way too long)but what I have noticed is that Harry has referred most of the time to the 'institution' and not the family.
And this is really the point he is making- its the institution that is abusive - the individuals get carried along inside it.
When I see George at public functions he already looks burdened by it, it must be a very strange feeling to know at the age of 9 that this is your future and you have no real say in it.
Charlotte is more resilient I think. I look forward to her doing an Auntie Anne in future and telling the press to naff off. I did feel a bit sad for her that at the age of 7 she is so steeped in royal protocol that she was telling George what to do

Good points Ted. I'm really valuing your thoughts and u have espwxially.made me think.om this thread with your other comments.

I'm not the Charlotte thing was royal protocol though, or just a girl bossing her brother. Because of the age of my own children, I've become acutely aware from.my eldest that quite a few girls.in his class are 'bossy' and tell him what to do! None of them are royal (that I know of, but it's a regular state primary school, and I'm sure we'd know if they were!) It's so hard to unpick what is normal family stuff from what is something else.

Yes I'm sure a part of it was sibling bossiness, it's just what she was bossing him about. I don't think either of them should have been there.
They could have just been taken to the ceremony at Windsor, in at the back door away from the cameras and then a 7 and 9 year old wouldn't have had to worry about when to bow and curtsey to their grannys coffin

I don't think Charles was emotionally abusive, but neglectful. I genuinely believe he cared/s butis just stunted about showing it, like never once hugging Harry after his mum died. Charles also suffered because he was a sensitive child who was bullied a lot and still carried a teddy bear to bed today (in his 70s). It's generational trauma that just continues down until someone calls it out. I guess Harry is the one to do that.

I don't know who pushed the thick line but I think he wasn't protected by the family as the media just said whatever they wanted about him (fall guy). It seems Camilla (according to harry) is responsible for a lot of the leaks at his expense and I think Charles knows/knew about it but because of his own trauma he clings to Camilla and prioritises her above his own kids.

I'm not sure what benefit there would b to any of the royals, or to Camilla, to leak bad stuff about Harry (pre the last 4 years) or to call him thick, so struggling to work out what is who's truth.. going to give up soon as I reckon we'll never know what went on anyway.

Bugeyedowl - I'm not really disagreeing with you and do think if abuse, or even just a bit of family drama we don't agree with, happened, then it should be called out. What I don't agree with, is doing this in public knowing the impact it will have on loved ones.