Dear Harry .. a note on farhers

[NameChangeForThisOne0]

Dear Harry

Let me tell.you about my father. My earliest memories of him are not about walks in the royal gardens or being called 'my darling' child. They are of witnessing my mum being beaten up, my siblings being beaten and police being called to the door. My earliest memories are of fear of my dad, a rumbling stomach as we couldn't afford the luxury of 3 hot meals a day (or even one).

Far from having the smaller bedroom to my siblings, I shared my room in our 2 bed flat with my mum and dad, and later when he left, never to return, just with my mum. I don't begrudge my siblings had their own space that was bigger than mine. That's life.

I didn't have the privilege of eating less sausages for dinner than my siblings. I do remember however, being beaten for spilling a can of soup on the floor, since that was meant to be dinner for the family for that evening.

As far as I can see, and I know it's only based on what you say, and the media, but it seems your father loves you. You haven't lived in fear of him. He's more than provided for you. You've never gone hungry. Both you and Meghan have father's who have never abandoned you, despite all you have both done, and no doubt they would likely always welcome you back.

If either of your parents had adopted me as a kid I'd have thought all my dreams would have come true

I know you didn't get as many hugs as you'd have liked. I am so sad for you that you lost your mum.

But there is something important about recognising and appreciating what you have, when so many others could only dream of it.

I hope one day you stop selling out the family you have and that love you. Love is all you need, and a parent who's tried his best. None of us are perfect.

Well they are both the "spare" and Harry is blaming all his feelings actions etc on generational trauma so wouldn't it make sense for this to be the reason Andrew is how he is? Petulant manchild etc etc

In fact we could go further if the queen and Prince Philip were as cold unfeeling uncaring as Harry claims wouldn't Andrew have had the worst of it? Harry did have his mum for 12 years she was obviously a hugger and wonderful etc so that would have mitigated some of the trauma of course he was traumatised further by his mother's death but that's obviously a different type of trauma not generational

Sorry if I've sounded minimising of harrys trauma, or that I've been overly harsh on him. I didn't mean to sound invalidating. It's just hard to understand why someone would want to cause their father and brother so much hurt and pain, by publically naming all the wrongs they've done, when in fact I don't think they did do too much wrong.

Both Charles and Mr Markle seem loving and to have given their children souch. I don't doubt they were both fat from perfect, and I'm sure William hasn't been perfect either, but to publically shame and hurt them in front of the world - why?

I wouldn't even write a piece in the local.paper about my dad. I have written on Mumsnet because it's anonymous and would never hurt him or anyone else we know. But even knowing he didn't love me, and treated me v badly, I can't see how hurting him would help anything. More so, that Harry and meghans parents loved them and seem to have tried their best, for all their flaws, why ruin their lives? (or attempt to?)

I may be wrong, so forgive me as I don't have a model to compare to, but my assumption was that if your parents loved you and tried their best, you would not repay them by selling them out for cash?

souch - sorry I mean 'so much'

Ps. I do feel for harry and the grief over his mum. It must all have been horrible for him. Sorry if I didn't acknowledge that. I do get the attacks on the media because of what happened to his mum (I don't necessarily agree, but I do understand what he's doing in that regard). But his dad and brother I struggle to fathom the hate for and the hurt he's inflicting.

I get where you're coming from Op , it must be hard to hear Harry whingeing about some of the things he is when you compare it to your upbringing.

Everyone has their own view on things , what upsets some will be water off a ducks back to others. I do think Harry had been a bit tone deaf where some of his gripes are concerned though .

when in fact I don't think they did do too much wrong.

Sorry for minimising but I'm going to do it again.

You don't know all the things they might have done and you don't get to say how someone else is affected.

How would you feel if someone came along and told you that what your dad did wasn't that bad because they had a worse time than you?

Ok ... Fair point.

In answer to

1. Ok, sorry if I was minimising. I think I don't really get it. I haven't seen anything that looks.that bad to me. But if it was horrendous for him living in his family, then I obviously feel for him and am sad for whatever he went through.
2. I've never named and shamed my father or siblings to the world (and I never would) thus opening me up for scrutiny and to be compared to others.

Also, what have Charles and William done wrong to warrant his treatment? Is it the relationship with Camilla and being treated unfairly in comparison to William? Would other people hurt their parents for this kind of thing even if they loved them? (Sorry, I don't really understand but am trying to learn here, so be patient with me!)

^Well they are both the "spare" and Harry is blaming all his feelings actions etc on generational trauma so wouldn't it make sense for this to be the reason Andrew is how he is? Petulant manchild etc etc

In fact we could go further if the queen and Prince Philip were as cold unfeeling uncaring as Harry claims wouldn't Andrew have had the worst of it? Harry did have his mum for 12 years she was obviously a hugger and wonderful etc so that would have mitigated some of the trauma of course he was traumatised further by his mother's death but that's obviously a different type of trauma not generational^

Andrew was the 3rd child of 4, nothing to do with being a spare and his upbringing was nothing like Harry's. Andrews parents didn't have the messiest public divorce of all time neither did he lose his mother aged 12 in the most horrific circumstances.

Margaret however was a spare and had notable issues.

@NameChangeForThisOne0

As I said my son is adopted. his birth family, particularly his dad, did his best, but his best wasn’t good enough to keep his sons safe, physically or emotionally, My son is 18 now, he has a good life, he knows his prospects are good, but that does not stop the past creeping in. Surely you must realise that from your own experience.

I wonder, when you strip away the veneer and look at the way those boys were brought up, the things they were exposed to, would any right minded social worker have left them in that environment?

The worst thing Charles ever did after the death of Diana was to send that child away to boarding school. He should have kept him home, and stayed at home with him. I cannot imagine what damage that did to him. I

@NameChangeForThisOne0

can I ask how old you are? I’m just wondering if you remember the press coverage of Charles and Diana.

Ok, thanks, that does help me get it a bit more, and I'm sure life wasnt great for Harry at boarding school. You r right Charles could have done better. I'm sorry for your son. Something tells me though (and maybe I'm flagging a dead horse here, so if I'm wrong please do put me right) that he wouldn't sell his story and name his father and his wrongs to the world?

I do remember. I am a similar age to Harry. I do feel sorry for him. I do understand his gripe with the media.

@NameChangeForThisOne0

I don’t think my son’s story is that newsworthy, but I am quite active in adoption circles, and with his permission, I have used elements of my son’s story to illustrate the impact of childhood trauma. No I have never identified his birth family, there is no public interest in doing that

@NameChangeForThisOne0 if you don't understand what they've done wrong then you should read the book as it's from his perspective.

And while I dont' agree with everything he's put out, bear in mind he's never had the chance to publically defend himself against all the awful press stories against him over the years (when he was in the RF), that his OWN FAMILY allegedly planted in the press about him to try to swing public opinion in their favour.

Why shouldn't abuse be called out?

Thanks Ted, you r making me think

Just when you thought the Harry haters couldn’t get any worse. He’s not to blame for your appalling childhood. As a pp said, it’s not a competition. This is ridiculous. I had a fairly unhappy part of my childhood, it was nobody’s fault, but should I blame Harry for not having a disabled, seriously ill sibling?

Mmm.. well it's an interesting thread. I guess I don't remember too much negative press for Harry that his family might have planted. The main negatives I remember are the Nazi uniform and the racist comment, and that was his own fault. I thought the media pretty much loved him as a cheeky chap, but assumed some of that was his family putting that image out there for Harry's own protection. But I wil never know the 'truth' so maybe Harry has been abused by his father and brother and maybe they do deserve what he's doing to them. I'll read more and think more about it.

Its not a competition, I just am surprised at his public hate for them when I haven't seen what they've done wrong (but am being told they've done a lot wrong and so will go away and think about that)

Would you call your family out on public though? Especially if they loved you and you loved them? That's the bit I'm struggling with

Harry is blasting Charles publicly as he's a privileged mess and believes he has had it horrendously hard and that everyone will hate nasty meany Charles. Of course it's not a competition and of course Harry can still have had an awful childhood and not like his father, but perhaps it would help his healing to get some perspective and to address it privately.

@NameChangeForThisOne0

did you listen to the Ted talk I posted up thread about hugging.
Now I am not directly comparing the experiences of children in care with William and Harry’s upbringing.
The point I am trying to make is about being brought up in an institution. Lemn Sissay was brought up in care homes, in institutions. Harry has spent most of his life in instutions, boarding schools, the army, yes loving but but often absent parents.
William had the good fortune to meet Kate when he was relatively young and was gatherered into the relatively normal Middleton family - I can imagine a lot of healing took place there.
Harry was clearly desparate for the same, a family of his own where he could do things differently, but its taken him a long time to find it.

Incidentally, my son came home from school one day when he was 9, absolutely distraught. When I calmed him down, he was worrying about not finding anyone to marry and have babies with. When he was 10, he was absolutely convinced he was going to marry his ‘girlfriend’. Thats still all he really wants, a family on his own, to do things differently. Trauma runs deep and long.

I do think Harry would be best served at this point, for his own sanity, to step away for a while from the media circus.

Not really comparable as I don’t have the publicity that Harry has. It’s absolutely no secret that I was no contact with my mother for about 14 years until her death.

Thanks all. It's been helpful to hear opinions v different o my own and I'll do some thinking

@NameChangeForThisOne0

I wanted to write this as a separate post about you.
You clearly had a very traumatic childhood, I wish someone had brought your family to the attention of social services and intervened.
Have you ever had any support such as counselling to help you process that hurt and trauma?
Its ok to be angry, its ok to think it was unfair and to be envious of the lives of others and to grieve for the family you should have had and deserved. What matters is how you deal with that so that the rest of your life isnt blighted by it