No relationship with cat that is outside all the time

[kittyp13]

I am strongly thinking of returning my rescue cat to its foster owner. We’ve had her for eight months, she is an adult 2 year old who had two sets of kittens before being spayed and was offered to us by the rescue because they believed the kittens I really wanted to adopt instead wouldn’t do well in an adult home. I said yes because I really wanted a cat but I didn’t particularly warm to her.
She is definitely accustomed to being outside, and much prefers it to being indoors. If she had it her way, she’d be outside from morning to night with some interludes at home when we are not around and no humans are there to force interactions! It’s not like she goes outside and frolics about either, she is almost always in a crouched position in the corner of the garden. Vet gave all clear and said it was stress… suggested calming tablets. She wouldn’t take them.
I have to force her to stay inside and I’ve managed to get her to play at times, and accept pets. She is not vicious but for the first few months she did bite and scratch. My main issue is she wants to be alone pretty much all the time. I feel the bond with her is very… nonexistent! I do love her because she’s a vulnerable animal but I don’t love her for her. I find her disappointing, which im ashamed to admit but after eight months I am finding this to be really hard for our family.
what would you do in my position?

Persevere. It can take a long time for a cat to settle and trust you fully. Once the cooler weather kicks in, she'll naturally start heading indoors more. Just do things at her pace, offer dreamies her and there and she'll learn that you're a safe human. The fact that she stays close to home is positive.

8 months is not a long time to settle and you will find in winter most cats prefer to be inside! Mine are out a lot in good weather. As the above poster said, lots of treats and patience. She needs to learn how to trust again. Please give her a chance!

I don't really understand why you'd return her - she sounds like a typical cat to me!

I do appreciate cats are solitary animals, I’d just prefer her to be solitary in the house somewhere as she is a bit unreliable - she’s gone missing before and despite her small stature (under 5kg) gets into fights with the neighbourhood cats!
She does stay relatively close to home but after crouching for half an hour she’ll disappear for a few hours. She was like this in the winter too when we first adopted her and let her out for the first time.
i suppose i just feel a bit disappointed and it’s a me thing, not a her thing.

Our lovely very settled cat is almost always outside all summer. She will rarely sit with us indoors and has an outdoor lifestyle. In the winter however she is indoors much more often, will curl up on laps and is much more affectionate.
Can I suggest you preserve? Ours was a rescue also and she did take a long time to fully settle and bond with us. Developing a relationship with her may take more time. Good luck.

This is sad to read. If you wanted a pet to entertain you and make you feel loved, you shouldn’t have got a cat. Many cats are like yours, especially when younger.

It’s also good weather so of course she’s going to
be out, the house is boring compared to what the outside world has to offer. If she’s had 2 litters and ended up in a rescue, please don’t add to her trauma by giving her away because she hasn’t
lived up to what you had in your head, that’s very unfair. But if you do get rid of her, then please don’t have another pet.

Our boy was just as you describe. For the first couple of years we had him, age 2-4, we hardly seen him. He’d often disappear for 24 hours before coming home, eating and going out again. He was neutered but just loved being out. He gradually spent more time with us, especially in bad weather and when he got to about 8, he started spending most nights at home. From age 12, he spent lots of time at home in the day too. He wasn’t the most affectionate cat but it was just who he was. We lost him to cancer when he was 19, about 3 years ago, his last few years were mostly spent on our bed. It’s what cats do.

Exactly!

Get an outdoor cat box:plastic ones are about 50 quid I think. Then she can use it in the winter if she doesn't want to come indoors.

I would stick with her and appreciate her for who she is. She needs long term security. She may well grow closer to you over years. Eight months really isn’t long.

Personally I think you urgently need to rehome her. She sounds very unhappy and probably just sticks around to be fed.
Its clearly not a personality match which is definitely a thing with cats.
I've had 10 cats over the years and had to rehome two of them who were having none of me - no idea why I love all cats. They were very happy in their new homes.
The rest were all fine and I had them until they died at 19/20. Just got two new ones who are very happy here.
You wouldn't expect to dump a random orphan in your home and expect to get on with every one of them.

She doesn’t sound much trouble, could you get kittens too?

Some cats are just like that and will never change.

We've had both our cats from kittens. One is super friendly, protective of us (he lies next to us when we're ill, especially the kids) and would choose to be by my side 24/7 if he could.

The other one does not interact with us at all and spends all her time outside. She has never sat on anyone's lap and does not like to be touched. If she was my only pet I'd be disappointed. Not sure I'd have the heart to return a rescue cat though.

They all have different personalities, you could get a kitten and they might behave that way too. Certain breeds are more likely to be affectionate and interactive, but you're not guaranteed anything with cats, same with humans.
I would persevere with her, she doesn't sound like too much bother.

I really empathise kittyp. My cat is 8 now, we've had him for 6 years. The bond has never developed I'm sorry to say, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I'm trying too much. We are a bad match for each other i think. He's aggressive and lashes out even now.
He was a rescued street lad, un neutered for 2 years until we adopted him.
He's been misssing for 2 weeks now, but we know where he is. When I do go down there, to look for and feed him, he runs. It's hard not to take offence when your own cat runs away when he sees you.
Sorry to go on. Just another side to the story. Hope you can work something out.
I honestly wish I had rehomed him years ago, and hopefullly he coukd have had a happier life.
I'm an experienced cat owner of 40 years+and have loved all my previous 6 cats without question. I will never risk another cat after him sad though that is.

Wow this is a very different set of responses… Why would I ask if I didn’t care?

I do appreciate it doesn’t sound very nice but it’s the truth, the more people are truthful the better help they can get. I only had one indoor cat before this who Was afraid of outdoors so I genuinely needed some advice and thought I was doing something wrong. I have taken her to vet; tried giving her space, making a fuss etc.

I have now learned that 8 months isn’t that long, and that being outdoors all the time in summer can be normal.

can I ask if you let your cat out at night too? We don’t have a cat flap but she uses a window that can be accessible at night. Our rescue agency also advised only letting her out for a few hours a day but this is impossible. She doesn’t like it and feels unsettled.

Really? Affection and entertainment is why we keep pets!

OP, this cat currently isn't a pet. She may become more tame with time, but many don't. I would either continue to meet her needs as a semi-feral cat ( and get a second tame cat to be the house cat ) or find her a home as a barn cat somewhere, where she might be less stressed.

This is sad and I feel your pain because it feels like a personal rejection.
Just now I went outside to say hello to my cat and she jumped the fence! I do believe it’s in her DNA to be outside as she was neutered after having kittens and was on the street a lot.
i have this feeling that she’ll never be a warm cat and I know that can be the lottery with cats but it doesn’t make it easier.
the other issue I didn’t mention here is that she is very small (under 5kg) and feisty. She loves getting into fights (well doesn’t love, she is very protective of territory) and the high cat population in our area is a big stressor

My beastie wanders in and out at will, including night time.

My son's cat is a rescue. He spent his first year in my son's bedroom. Fast forward another year, he's now all over the flat, affectionate and playful albeit a little skittish. This is normal for a rescue.

Really? Affection and entertainment is why we keep pets!

You’re naive if you go into having a cat and think that you’re going to get that from them. Some do, more don't. I work in animal rescue! Many cats get more homely with age, but cats do things on their own terms. Other pets would be more likely to with fit you if you want affection and entertainment but they often require a lot more work than a cat.

I love the affection my dogs give me and they make my life happier, but ultimately I have animals because I want to give them a good life. They’re not toys for my amusement and needs. Unfortunately lots of people feel that way, which is why they get rid of them if they’re a disappointment or they can’t be bothered anymore.

My current cat is quite stand offish unless he is in the mood for affection. Yesterday he starts making biscuits on my fleece dressing gown, turned his head and demanded (really very dictatorial in his manner) that I stroke him while he does so.
This morning he's asleep on my bed looking so so so so cute, I decide I can't resist and I got bitten hard for my trouble.
We keep him enticed with us using stupidly dear cat food, treat sticks, likki pouch things, dreamies and games such as dreamies go into a box filled with balls made from paper that he can rummage through to find the dreamies.
He's never going to be my ideal cat but he's ours and we love him for all that.

All my other cats always stayed in at night, but this cat won't. It's surprising what you can get used to but now it seems normal to me for him to go out at night.

I find some rescue centres are better than others when it comes to matching animals and owners. One tried to push us into getting a cat that was obviously very stressed and aggressive when we have two young children at home.

As much as we try and convince ourselves otherwise, the reason we keep animals is for entertainment and affection. Otherwise why not just throw the wedge of money we spend on insurance, vaccinations, snips, chips, food etc at animal charities, they would probably make more economical use of it.

If it's not working, send her back and wait out for the kitten you originally wanted (you may be waiting a while though). She'll be happy anywhere she is allowed to roam by the sounds of it.

I don’t think you can keep sending animals back because they are a ‘disappointment’ and don’t quite behave the way you want them too. It’s possible the cat is traumatised or just needing a period of adjustment. No wonder the animal rescues are so full! No guarantee a kitten would be any friendlier. You might be chopping and changing pets for some time! Just stick with it and give her some time. If you wanted unreserved needy affection, you should have got a dog. Cats are pretty independent and often aloof.

Hi everyone, I really appreciate all your advice.

idiotcreatures - wow for me that would be amazing even with the bite at the end ha! She won’t come near us.

Yes I did adopt an adult rescue (I didn’t particularly want to, I wanted to adopt a set of kittens) so that complicated things as there is a trust issue. Yes, cat behaviour and temperament is also a big lottery, even with kittens. And Yes, as I’ve learned here, cats will cat!

She seems agitated and stressed at all times and it’s not even us in particular but the area- we have at least six cats in immediate vicinity. (Next door/ across the road). It’s also her temperament I feel… and my kids. She hates my kids. They play legos and scream.

I would agree with LoopyLoopy that she is not a pet and ironically I did research barn cats and realise she very much fits the bill !
dangernoodles - you’re 100% right (in my opinion). I didn’t adopt a cat to never see it…

My friend had a cat like this, the cat was adopted through a rescue, had been feral before then and didn’t really enjoy being a “pet”, she preferred to be out and about and only show briefly during the day to eat or get warm in the winter.

Being inside the house also stressed her. My friend, who had fostered 100s of cats, tried for sometime to “socialise” her but at some point decided to accept her as she was and let her be, so she had a cat who was the “pet”, tvery social and interactive, while accepting that her other cat was content with food and sleeping over a kitchen cupboard out of reach. 🙂