No relationship with cat that is outside all the time

[kittyp13]

I am strongly thinking of returning my rescue cat to its foster owner. We’ve had her for eight months, she is an adult 2 year old who had two sets of kittens before being spayed and was offered to us by the rescue because they believed the kittens I really wanted to adopt instead wouldn’t do well in an adult home. I said yes because I really wanted a cat but I didn’t particularly warm to her.
She is definitely accustomed to being outside, and much prefers it to being indoors. If she had it her way, she’d be outside from morning to night with some interludes at home when we are not around and no humans are there to force interactions! It’s not like she goes outside and frolics about either, she is almost always in a crouched position in the corner of the garden. Vet gave all clear and said it was stress… suggested calming tablets. She wouldn’t take them.
I have to force her to stay inside and I’ve managed to get her to play at times, and accept pets. She is not vicious but for the first few months she did bite and scratch. My main issue is she wants to be alone pretty much all the time. I feel the bond with her is very… nonexistent! I do love her because she’s a vulnerable animal but I don’t love her for her. I find her disappointing, which im ashamed to admit but after eight months I am finding this to be really hard for our family.
what would you do in my position?

Thank you

I don't think there's anything wrong with giving her 24/7 access to the outdoors if that's what she needs.

I know it's not what you wanted from cat ownership, but as long as she has food and water, and access to shelter she'll probably be quite happy

Can you play with her when she’s in the garden? My cat goes absolutely crazy for a long bit of grass being waved about, it’s his favourite summer game and we both enjoy it.

we have 2 cats and honestly we see very little of them a lot of the time, they have 24/7 cat flap access, they come and go for food and that’s about it. They are very sweet when they do come in though (because they’re ungrateful but I’ll take it!). Winter they spend more time indoors though

That should say hungry not ungrateful…..

Cats have such different personalities.

my childhood cat was a lap cat - followed us around the house and sat on our knees.

I have had my current cat since she was a tiny baby and while she does like to be in the same room as me she is jumpy and it often feels like she is scared of me. No idea why. She is spoilt rotten!

she is kept inside at night and even sleeps on my pillow right beside my head. By then during the day if I make sudden movement near her she runs and hides!

cats are odd

hello everyone,
thank you all for sharing your experiences and I really appreciate all the advice.
I’ve read them all and realised my expectations for my cat are too high so we have made the decision for now to just do nothing. Like a few people have said, she is not necessarily a bother but she is not the family cat we had envisaged.
She was out yesterday from 6am to 9pm and then tried to bite me when I greeted her at the end of the day. 😂

I am realising she shows her affections in different ways, there have been days where she will come up to see me in the morning (she chooses to sleep alone downstairs) and will lay on the floor by the bed. There have even been the very rare days where she actually jumped onto the bed next to me! She does tend to go through cycles of being around and not being around, it’s almost like it’s hormonal and her body “remembers” her old lifestyle before being neutered.

Ultimately I just cannot bring myself to surrender her. This is her home and she comes back every night and it would be a huge disruption of her life.

I once adopted a cat that used to be feral.
I'm not sure, in retrospect, that it was in her best interests despite what the cat rescue thought.
She was unhappy and anxious.
Finally she voted with her feet and disappeared despite my best efforts.
I would allow her as much freedom as she wants and provide her a base and accept her as she is.
You sound lovely, op 🙂

The lying on the bed and on the floor next to you sounds really positive. Things might build from there. It doesn't sound like she's ever going to be a lap cat, but there's no reason why she won't settle more with time.

I would give her access to outside 24/7. Mine come and go as they please.

Mine current cats are big softies and are very social and affectionate in the home - although they hate anyone who isn't family.

But I had one once that just didn't like people. He was beautiful, but his early life made him distrust people. He wasn't socialised as a kitten and wasn't used to living with people. He only lasted 2 year (died under anaesthesia). But he would never had laid on my bed or in the bedroom - so this is actually quite positive. He never came out of the kitchen - ate then went outside again. I wouldn't be surprised if your cat starts doing more and more of that in the autumn winter time.

Please don't get rid of her. She'll go through real stress if she has to be rehomed again. Maybe she'll stay in and bond with you during winter. My cat's always outside during the summer. I don't know what calming pulls you tried but I highly recommend Zylkene. They're very natural and made from milk protein. You crush them up and mix them with food. To be extra sure she eats it I'd mix it with a little chicken or fish. They made a huge difference to my cat when we moved house. He'd been a nervous wreck but after a couple of days was much calmer.

Glad you are keeping her. When you rescue an animal it has to be selfless. You do it for them not yourself. You get great pleasure from knowing you helped that animal when it needed a home. Our rescue dog took a year to be part of our family. We left him be. Fed him gave him a bed and a walk every day. We never thought he would be happy to lay with with us or have a cuddle or greet us when we came home due to the trauma he had been through from other humans. Sure enough he is just like any other dog soppy as anything. Perseverance is the key. They do get there but it takes time.

Your most recent update is lovely, Kittyp - I do think cats show their affection in ways that often go unrecognised. But she chooses to come home every day so she clearly sees your place as her safe place and sounds like she is very loved which hopefully she'll know.

Bitey devil, I have 39 bites scars on my arm from my last cat who was with me for 20 years, but I loved her.

Cats do much better when they have autonomy. If she feels she can come and go as she pleases with 24-7 access she will likely begin to think of home as her safe space. I’d get a microchip style catflap (so no other cats can enter) pronto. Also, my cat took about a year to warm up and come for cuddles, but she did eventually. She still runs away if affection isn’t on her own terms, but she’ll come and be a lovely lap cat in winter. Finally, it’s no surprise she doesn’t want to hang out with your kids if they are loud/scream etc — cats don’t usually enjoy loud noises and get scared. So once your kids are a little older and learn to use ‘inside voices’ that will help too.

My cat was like this, he’s a rescue cat too. In the last year he’s become a lot more affectionate and stays in a lot more. I think it’s an age thing, he’s 7 now and I got him when he was around 2 yrs old. Persevere, he’ll come round eventually!

We’ve had many, many rescues cats.

When young and with access to the outdoors her behaviour sounds very normal. Our cats have always mellowed as they’ve got older and although I wouldn’t bank on her being a lap cat, we’ve had cats just like her that have done just that as they’ve got older and appreciative of a more pampered life at home.

Also thinking of a cat I have now who was so traumatised she was practically feral, taming her while she had access to outside was impossible. It’s only since we moved and they became house cats (with a catio) that she has begun to approach us for affection. She didn’t really bring much to us in her former years but she deserved a safe loving home as much as the more gregarious cats so we wouldn’t have considered rehoming her.

You’re doing the right thing bringing her in at night, she’s much more likely to be killed by a car during the night. And IME limiting outdoor access to these sort of cats help them settle and bond at home. Her coming and sitting in the room with you is great progress at this stage.

I’d also recommend some ‘yeowww’ catnip toys and feliway plug ins to help her feel more relaxed and happy at home.

You've gotta be in it for the long haul... if you persevere it will be worth it but it could take years. I say this because we once had a cat, rescued from stray and for the first 5-10 years of his life, he did not want to know! We were basically a feeding - and occasional sleeping - station. Rest of the time he was outdoors, doing god knows what. However when he got older... and then old... he became a totally different animal... a lap cat who if you sat down for a second, would be straight on you (probably to suck out body warmth, but hey!). He lived to 18, so we had a great 8 years of him being attentive, nosy, and ALWAYS up for a stroke.

Grooming will definitely help... even if she resists at first. Not only is it great for bonding, but if she's carrying less loose hair she's likely to feel the cold a bit more... and cats will do anything for warmth, even deign to sit on you!

Thank you so much everyone for advice. Feliway is plugged in. Will try the catnip toys. Will also try playing with her outside. She likes raw spaghetti and twigs… 😳
I didn’t really intend to adopt a rescue, so was very naive and I think expected her to behave like the kittens I’ve raised in past, but obviously she has a history I’m not aware of, plus used to outdoors and having kittens herself!

GodspeedJune, the rescue agency has suggested I limit outdoors time for this reason but it seemed to make her more anxious. She was outdoors until later last night and she started biting again. I do think there’s an element of “taming” and of compromise. I think shutting her in at night is probably a good middle ground.

well, if anything, she is certainly teaching me about patience and perseverance!!

I feel I should share a photo of her.

She's beautiful!! Absolutely stunning eyes.

Beautiful

My cat isn't overly affectionate, she likes play fighting and biting my feet, but I shout her in at 9pm every night. She happily comes to bed with me and sleeps at the bottom. She is sometimes at the door waiting to come in at 9

Aw she's beautiful.

Sounds like she is a barn cat not a housecat. It's not your fault, many ex feral cats never really accept socialisation. One of ours was raised as a pet but was always very independent and eventually rehomed herself on a local farm. They kept bringing her back but in the end we told them to stop as she clearly wanted to be on the farm. She was a very enthusiastic ratter! We missed her so much but it was the life she wanted.

In your place I would get an outdoor shelter for your cat to use during the day - perhaps in the place in the garden where she likes to crouch. She may feel more secure with a place to retreat to where she can be safe but keep her distance.

Oof, she looks the determined sort! Beautiful eyes though.

I haven't seen one of my cats for over a week. I know he's about because neighbours feed him and update me

He doesn't come home in the summer because I keep him in if I see him overnight and he hates it. This year he's decided everyone else is better than us.

My other 2 come home every evening without fail (normally) but I don't see much of them in the day this time of year