No relationship with cat that is outside all the time

[kittyp13]

I am strongly thinking of returning my rescue cat to its foster owner. We’ve had her for eight months, she is an adult 2 year old who had two sets of kittens before being spayed and was offered to us by the rescue because they believed the kittens I really wanted to adopt instead wouldn’t do well in an adult home. I said yes because I really wanted a cat but I didn’t particularly warm to her.
She is definitely accustomed to being outside, and much prefers it to being indoors. If she had it her way, she’d be outside from morning to night with some interludes at home when we are not around and no humans are there to force interactions! It’s not like she goes outside and frolics about either, she is almost always in a crouched position in the corner of the garden. Vet gave all clear and said it was stress… suggested calming tablets. She wouldn’t take them.
I have to force her to stay inside and I’ve managed to get her to play at times, and accept pets. She is not vicious but for the first few months she did bite and scratch. My main issue is she wants to be alone pretty much all the time. I feel the bond with her is very… nonexistent! I do love her because she’s a vulnerable animal but I don’t love her for her. I find her disappointing, which im ashamed to admit but after eight months I am finding this to be really hard for our family.
what would you do in my position?

Our cat hates me , I can only stroke him for a minute before he attacks me , he will run up behind me grab my leg with his paws and sink his teeth in . Yes I feel bit disappointed that he's not like other cats I have had but he's our cat and his home is with us .

Cats teach us how to love without expectation.

Interestingly, my friend also used the term “barn cat” about her as well, I always thought she was meaning that she was born in a farm!

I’ve never had a cat that wasn’t friendly OP but I have had all of mine from kittens. 💐

It's easy to criticise and be judgemental when you have loving affectionate cats, or even cats that took months, sometimes years to come round and turn into pets.
For some of us this never happens. We don't expect anyone else to understand how we feel.
I didn't go into this situation wanting entertainment. I rescued him because he was living on a 4 lane road which was so dangeous I'm surprised he wasn't run over. It was an emergency situation. I really do understand how kittyp feels

^^ that sounds like I have loads of cats. I don’t I have one at the moment… but we’ve always had a cat

I think you're more of a dog person OP!

My cats just as friendly as my dog 🤷‍♀️

This is interesting: www.rspca.org.uk/findapet/rehomeapet/process/rehomeacat/farmcat

My dog was raised by cats, it is the most interactive dog I have had ever.

Haha maybe I am a dog person!!!
Oh dear.
Listen, everyone, I really do appreciate your help and advice. Maybe the solution is another kitten that is friendly. Seems very risky. Mostly for my current cat who is extremely territorial.
i have accepted that it’s not about me anymore and that she is an independent outside cat that would prefer to be alone, but it is terribly unsatisfying. I also worry about her so much because she gets herself into a pickle a lot,
and it’s draining.
oh well. Seems like majority say : persevere. Some say: you’re not a good match.

That article describes my cat to a T.

I had a cat like this - she was a rescue and had been living on the streets. Had her sterilised but she never was an " in the house " cat. She did not interact with the other 2 cats we had. When we moved we took her with us but she kept on returning to the previous home which was nearby. I would take her back time and time again and then she started to run when she heard me. She ended up living with the people who moved into our house! Some cats just miss that time when they become socialised. @kittyp13 your cat does sound stressed and tbh she might be better off elsewhere. As for people saying this is what a cat is like it is not always the case. I have had cats for 40 years and this was my only rescue and only one like this. I would have a serious talk with the providers as I know they want to get rid of as many animals as possible but ultimately the cat's welfare is paramount.

Our rescue cat didn't come near us for a year, was always trying to coax her & was v frustrating. When we moved and I got pregnant she totally change 180 degrees, now she is a lap cat that follows us round the house.

Give your cat more time to trust you.

Then you should have been told about that when you adopted her, if you think the situation is not right for you, I suggest you return her, she may end up in a more suitable place that she enjoys more so you may be helping her out.

I think some of the responses are harsh op. You get cats that are never off your lap, and cats that never come near you. You clearly wanted the former. This sounds like a very poor match from the rescue centre. I don’t for one minute think an ex feral cat would be suitable for a family home. I also don’t believe in ‘like it or lump it’ attitudes when it comes to a rescuing or adopting animals, if it’s a bad match then it’s a bad match. Some people think that the second an animal enters your house then you should be 100% responsible for it forever and ever. But you’ve been lumbered with an animal that you don’t really like, and it clearly doesn’t like you. It’s going to be a huge mental and financial burden taking care of an animal that makes you unhappy for god knows how many years. And you’re missing out on the pleasure of owning a friendly cat that actually enjoys company. I’d look into rehoming the cat to a stables or somewhere it can live how it wants. Or possibly building an outdoor shelter if it’s flat out refusing to come in, and get the kittens that you wanted in the first place.

I have had my 2 cats since birth and they are both very affectionate. They both come and go as they please but in warmer weather they are out a lot more sunbathing in garden often but male goes further afield. Both always home for feeding twice a day. Your cat sounds no trouble at all. Feed, offer treats inside and playtime. Over time he will learn to trust you but it takes up to 2 years with a rescue cat. You could still get a kitten but don't throw out rescue cat as it has already had a traumatic life as you are well aware of.

It's easy to criticise and be judgemental when you have loving affectionate cats, or even cats that took months, sometimes years to come round and turn into pets.

I don't really think there's been much judgment - just confusion.

The cat in question sounds like a perfectly normal adult rescue to me - so rehoming it for standard cat behaviour makes no sense to me.

If you would prefer an affectionate indoor cat, then you either need to adopt a cat that's indoor only or get kittens and raise them yourself - though even that's no guarantee of anything.

I don't think cats are the right pets if you want guaranteed fuss and cuddles!

Totally agree. Ihatethenewlook..

If the OP's cat was happy, just distant, that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like she is, what with the kids and the other local cats. She might be happier as a barn cat somewhere rural.

I don't think she sounds unhappy - just nervous and not too sure of people yet.

Yes, cats give affection on their own terms. However, there are plenty of smoochy, outgoing cats! Surely the advantage of getting an adult cat from a rescue is that you can match the personality of the cat to the owner. You don't rehome a border collie with a little old lady who wants a lap dog. You don't rehome a shy barn cat in a rowdy household that's looking for a family pet.

Why is this an issue? I never get when people suggest cats for company tbh I never see mine unless she wants food.

It’s an issue because when she is inside she is very agitated and pacing, and does not spend any time with us at all. She gets into fights outaide and has picked up things a few times. We have tried letting her out whenever she wanted but she then wouldn’t come back in overnight.

but I’m open to ideas. If you think letting her out longer would be a good idea maybe we can give her 24 hour access to outaide (we don’t have cat flap but have window access).

i do think that she was mismatched to us which I now realise can happen in the rush of adoption. However now it is done, it is agonizing to think of surrendering her.

It's ok to talk to the rescue and say that you don't think yours is the right home for her, because it sounds like perhaps it isn't, if she is stressed and cowering in the garden.

I'm a very strong supporter of adopt don't shop, and have my own bitey semi-feral but ridiculously clingy to me rescue cat! But the match has to be right for the cat.