To think that losing a companion animal can be harder than losing a person?

[blackkitty1234]

I have lost multiple cats and a dog. My most recent loss was particularly traumatic. It doesn’t feel like people really understand. It feels as if you’re expected to just get over it in a couple of days. If I had lost a relative or close friend then people would be more understanding. My work could have been granted compassionate leave. There’s so much support out there for bereavement (numerous charities, counselling, etc) but it seems like it’s all limited to the death of people and does not extend to animals. I think losing an animal you love can be harder because the support just isn’t there that you might have had you lost a relative or close friend.

I don’t deny it’s hard, but comparing it to the death of a person close enough to trigger bereavement counselling and compassionate leave is pushing it. You don’t get compassionate leave for friends, no matter how close.

@HeddaGarbled
I needed bereavement counselling after I lost my cat. It was a particularly traumatic death and I do have pre-existing mental health problems that may have effected my ability to cope.

You're not unreasonable OP.
I'm sorry for your loss.

When my dad died I got 7 days bereavement leave. That was in public sector too. Compassionate leave is granted for immediate family - not friends - so that funerals can be organised, wills managed, houses emptied etc. You don't need that for a pet.
Plus where do we draw the line - compassionate leave for hamsters dying?

I'm sorry for your loss OP but I do feel bad for people who don't have human connections as strong as those of an animal. And no I don't feel as sorry for someone who has lost their cat as I do for someone who's lost a human. DD's friend has just found out his mum's cancer is back and she's got weeks, if that, to live. He's 8. It's utterly heartbreaking and not even remotely comparable to losing a pet.

@GlummyMcGlummerson
I’m so sorry for your DD’s friend. That horrific.

I don’t mean to compare my grief to other people’s losses. I can only speak of my own experiences. My father passed away when I was a teenager but losing the cat was harder. I think when I lost my dad I had the support of the school and my family which may have made a difference. Whereas with the cat it feels as if I’ve just been expected to get on with it which at times felt completely overwhelming and insensitive. I guess that made it harder. I dunno.

I lost my little dog recently. He was a tiny loving little thing. He never asked for anything and gave me nothing but love always. I made the decision to have him put to sleep because I could do that for him. He deserved to be treated kindly and that was what I did.

I have had a lot of dogs and cats in my lifetime and every time one of them has gone it has hurt. I think it hurts so much because all they ever do is give you unconditional love.
You are allowed to grieve. It's part of the process of acceptance and there is no set time limit for grieving. Be kind to yourself.

Totally agree OP but I would get this thread moved to the litter tray rather than AIBU as some replies may upset you, you will get a lot of support in the litter tray. The loss of a companion animal is utterly devastating, the Blue Cross have a bereavement counselling service which may help. I’m so sorry you are struggling, there are many of us who understand

TBF I've told a single person who lost and adored dog to takes the rest of the week off and hugged and fed a friend who had to put a beloved cat to sleep. People have deep seated reasons for their attachment to animals and that shouldn't be overlooked.

@ZaraCarmichaelshighheels

Totally agree OP but I would get this thread moved to the litter tray rather than AIBU as some replies may upset you, you will get a lot of support in the litter tray. The loss of a companion animal is utterly devastating, the Blue Cross have a bereavement counselling service which may help. I’m so sorry you are struggling, there are many of us who understand

I have asked to get it moved. Thank you, I will look into the Blue Cross. It was over six months ago and still hurts like it it yesterday. It’s honestly been worse than when I lost my father.

Losing a pet is devastating. Losing a person is devastating. Might be best not to get into comparing different types of grief as there are no winning in that competition, only loss.

Is it possible that losing a pet seems harder than losing your dad because you still have some unprocessed grief from losing your dad? So it’s a loss in itself and also opening an old wound. So it’s a cumulative thing.

I know whenever I suffer the loss of an animal or a person it spurs me to revisit previous losses. After grief counselling, I’ve learned to find some comfort in that process, but before I was consciously aware that that was what I was doing, it was very overwhelming.

I live alone, and have lost three lovely different cats over the years. One of them died on my lap one night,when he hadn't seemed poorly at all.

I personally don't need support and help with things as such, as I can cope quite well. I was obviously very upset, and kind of wallowed in sadness for some time, just remembering his quirky little ways every day, and his following me to the local shop sometimes etc. But time passes, and things feel better eventually.

@blackkitty1234 To me, a loss of a pet is one of the worse pains imaginable but not everyone feels the same.
I learned that I had to distance myself from those you didn't feel the same, and seek support from others that do understand.
I had to remind myself that those saying "it's just a pet", we're not trying to be malicious- they just don't feel the same way about animals that I do.
There are pet bereavement websites, counselling, Facebook pages etc, which helped me.
I guess I'm just saying, you are not alone. Your grief is valid. Take it one day at a time x

@ZaraCarmichaelshighheels - thank you for suggesting that this thread should be moved, that’s a really caring thought.

I feel for you, and you have my sympathy. I couldn't speak for 3 days when my beloved cat JJ died; he had lived with me from when he was born for 18 years. I have 4 cars now. The love you give is rewarded with pain when you lose them.
It is hard. You need coping techniques & supportive humans.
Be kind to yourself. I am so sorry.

4 cats!...

[quote Furries]@ZaraCarmichaelshighheels - thank you for suggesting that this thread should be moved, that’s a really caring thought.[/quote]
I agree.

[quote blackkitty1234]@GlummyMcGlummerson
I’m so sorry for your DD’s friend. That horrific.

I don’t mean to compare my grief to other people’s losses. I can only speak of my own experiences. My father passed away when I was a teenager but losing the cat was harder. I think when I lost my dad I had the support of the school and my family which may have made a difference. Whereas with the cat it feels as if I’ve just been expected to get on with it which at times felt completely overwhelming and insensitive. I guess that made it harder. I dunno.[/quote]
You aren't making it sound any better tbh. When you are in a hole stop digging.

It’s honestly been worse than when I lost my father.

Ffs.

You aren't making it sound any better tbh. When you are in a hole stop digging

It's the poster's judgement of their situation, so none of your business.

It’s honestly been worse than when I lost my father.

Your biscuit misses the point, fishykettles, i.e. it's her evaluation, so butt out. Also, you didn't know her father.

Yes it could be harder in any one specific situation, but it's pointless making comparisons. A lot of things could be harder in specific situations. For example, relationship ending, a miscarriage, a situation with a child (they are sick/go nc with you/they murder someone), experiencing an illness/injury.

Feel your feelings but your work doesn't have to get involved. Take a few days off, call in sick if necessary. That's all you get for bereavement leave anyway (if you even get that, many people wouldn't).

Yes, because the death of an animal invokes our responsibility somehow. Also, our animals become part of our daily lives, where some family and all our friends arent. And because our relationships with our animals are some of the least complicated and most mutually beneficial that exist. No crossed wires, no hurt feelings, no ambiguity or difficult emotions: simply caring and devotion on both sides.
Finally, I always see animals as innocents. I'm not religious, but theres almost something sacred about an animal: they are incapable of evil. I cant really describe it.

@echt

You aren't making it sound any better tbh. When you are in a hole stop digging

It's the poster's judgement of their situation, so none of your business.

It’s honestly been worse than when I lost my father.

Your biscuit misses the point, fishykettles, i.e. it's her evaluation, so butt out. Also, you didn't know her father.

Neither did you.

I think that the grief that you experience as a child or teenager can be different to that as an adult. My dc got over the death of a much loved grandparent relatively quickly. I think also it can be different when you live with them, compared to say a friend who you see every few weeks or months. I am not saying that I value my animals over my friends but my animals are part of my daily regime in a way that my friends are not. In a theoretical trolley problem I would sacrifice a pet to save a friend but that wouldn't mean that the loss of that pet wouldn't be keenly felt. It sounds too as other people have said that the death of your cat has triggered other feelings of grief perhaps which you didn't fully process, maybe the ongoing grief of not having a father through your adulthood.

I would go to your GP and get referred for support. It is likely that this is not 'just' the loss of a cat, but also other unresolved grief. There may also be an element of PTSD if it was traumatic and before people pile in and say that it isn't that traumatic, it has now been recognised that it is the extent of trauma for that individual which can cause PTSD not necessarily an externally evaluated event.

Of course it can in some situations - if they are your beloved companion whom you spend every most of the day talking too, walking them , feeding them, arranging your life around. The grief you feel will be bigger than a loved one whom you see on and off, more immediate, more real.

There is a loss of routine, of companionship, your daily life is altered, even your sense of purpose can be tied up with them, the house is full of memories, they have been a constant and loyal companion for years and years placing in you their love and trust, often the first face you see in the morning and the last one at night.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find kindness and empathy while you grieve.

It's not a competition.