To think that losing a companion animal can be harder than losing a person?

[blackkitty1234]

I have lost multiple cats and a dog. My most recent loss was particularly traumatic. It doesn’t feel like people really understand. It feels as if you’re expected to just get over it in a couple of days. If I had lost a relative or close friend then people would be more understanding. My work could have been granted compassionate leave. There’s so much support out there for bereavement (numerous charities, counselling, etc) but it seems like it’s all limited to the death of people and does not extend to animals. I think losing an animal you love can be harder because the support just isn’t there that you might have had you lost a relative or close friend.

@FourPlatinumRings

It's not a competition.

I suppose the point I was making is it’s harder because of the lack of support and understanding afforded by others.

I lost ddog in February.. I am nc with my dm /df. Neither of which I will cry for after death. Ddog was with me for 10 traumatic years (for me).. It is hard as winter was her favourite time of year. No support is there? Glad I have no friends who may have said she was only a ddog. Our neighbours is a ddog lover and have blubbed to her a few times!

@TW2013

I think that the grief that you experience as a child or teenager can be different to that as an adult. My dc got over the death of a much loved grandparent relatively quickly. I think also it can be different when you live with them, compared to say a friend who you see every few weeks or months. I am not saying that I value my animals over my friends but my animals are part of my daily regime in a way that my friends are not. In a theoretical trolley problem I would sacrifice a pet to save a friend but that wouldn't mean that the loss of that pet wouldn't be keenly felt. It sounds too as other people have said that the death of your cat has triggered other feelings of grief perhaps which you didn't fully process, maybe the ongoing grief of not having a father through your adulthood.

I would go to your GP and get referred for support. It is likely that this is not 'just' the loss of a cat, but also other unresolved grief. There may also be an element of PTSD if it was traumatic and before people pile in and say that it isn't that traumatic, it has now been recognised that it is the extent of trauma for that individual which can cause PTSD not necessarily an externally evaluated event.

I really doubt it. He died 16 years ago. I don’t have any unresolved grief for him. I agree there is an element of PTSD with losing the cat though, I don’t want to go into too much detail but it was definitely traumatic. I have pre-existing mental health problems so it was very triggering for me, and people don’t understand at all which makes it a double burden. I don’t value human life over that of my animals. I know lots of people will disagree but that’s just me.

@fishykettles
Get lost. It is possible to discuss your own negative experiences without undermining someone in a worse situation.

The grief is different, saying its harder though?

Personally I'd rather lose a hundred pets than a family member. I understand how it would be different for others, and there'll be a lot of factors affecting that. I think AIBU isn't great for this conversation, as it opens the conversation up beyond what you personally find hard. I'll be honest, my gut reaction on seeing your thread title was a very visceral disgust. My mum's death broke me, I can't imagine any animal being worth more than her. Losing a pet, no matter how beloved, doesn't compare.

I agree with you. Loosing my dog still ranks as the worst day of my life. I cried more than when I lost my grandparents.

My work were very good about it. I had leave to take so took that.

When my horse was put to sleep unexpectedly they told me to take 2 days off for myself.

I have one dog now who is a rescue and who is my shadow. My husband dreads the day he goes - he thinks I won't cope. In comparison I'm usually tough at coping with other stuff. When I was told I had cancer I didn't cry, wasn't scared etc. Just got on with it. But when it comes to my dogs, I'm pathetic.

I am really sorry to hear about your cat. It must have been a distressing experience. I have much loved cats too and friends whose animals are their world.

No one has the right to evaluate your grief as disproportionate or place any kind of judgement on it - and yes, it's hard when the support doesn't seem to be there.

Of course losing a cat is as bad as a child/partner/sibling/partner. Now a fur baby... off the scale.

@MedusasBadHairDay why post a judgement or reaction like that?

And @Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow attitudes like you and your biscuit don't help either.

@HeddaGarbled

I don’t deny it’s hard, but comparing it to the death of a person close enough to trigger bereavement counselling and compassionate leave is pushing it. You don’t get compassionate leave for friends, no matter how close.

This 100%

The faster MNHQ move this to the Litter Tray the better.

@MedusasBadHairDay

The grief is different, saying its harder though?

Personally I'd rather lose a hundred pets than a family member. I understand how it would be different for others, and there'll be a lot of factors affecting that. I think AIBU isn't great for this conversation, as it opens the conversation up beyond what you personally find hard. I'll be honest, my gut reaction on seeing your thread title was a very visceral disgust. My mum's death broke me, I can't imagine any animal being worth more than her. Losing a pet, no matter how beloved, doesn't compare.

I agree with you too. I also felt disgust that someone should losing an animal is worse. Hence the biscuit. Perhaps AIBU is the wrong place to ask. Ask in the cat/dog animal threads maybe

In some situations the circumstances of the loss can feel like it is magnifying the actual loss. And that can make you feel angry and frustrated. On top of grief it can be a lot to deal with. It’s not about comparing, in this case the loss of a pet compared to the loss of a relative, but understanding that outside influences can affect how you process things.

I can think of some other examples, from my own life, I found having a second trimester miscarriage hard firstly because it is hard to lose a baby, but second because the world reacted like it wasn’t important - my baby had no birth certificate, no death certificate, legally never existed, no option for a funeral or memorial, I had to return to work straight away because what I went through to have my baby wasn’t legally giving birth, I didn’t get maternity leave or pay, I wasn’t protected by maternity based laws as soon as I was no longer pregnant. If I’d given birth to my baby 17 days later all of that would have been different.

I won’t go around saying any loss is better or worse (that’s wrong, OP, I’m sorry you can’t compare things) but understand that sometimes the circumstances surrounding losses make them feel like more than they are.

@ilovesooty

The faster MNHQ move this to the Litter Tray the better.

Indeed, I am disgusted that someone should post this

@ilovesooty

And *@Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow* attitudes like you and your biscuit don't help either.

Yeah, it’s that kind of shit that highlights my initial point though. I did request for it to be moved last night. Thanks for your kind words x

Of course it can be harder

but unfortunately there has to be a line. You should be able to take annual leave though.

I think you are only allowed to 2 weeks bereavement leave when you lose a child. 2 weeks is nothing when something like this happens to a parent.

[quote ilovesooty]@MedusasBadHairDay why post a judgement or reaction like that?[/quote]
I posted saying I could understand why the OP felt differently to me, I didn't judge the OP at all, just explained why I didn't feel the same.

We all experience grief differently, minimising anyone's grief is wrong. I didn't do that, but some people may feel the OP was doing that with their grief. I know the thread title made me feel like my grief was being dismissed, but further posts by the OP reassured me that wasn't the intent.

"My father passed away when I was a teenager but losing the cat was harder."

There may well be a strong relationship between the two halves of this sentence.

Losing a pet IS hard though - condolences and unMumsnetty hugs to you. You may find that grief counselling helps you to deal with both the loss of a pet, and the implications of the above statement for your human relationships.

I agree but not everyone sees animals like that. My dog is a member of my family, I love her, she loves me. I worry and care about her more than most the adults I'm related to. I cant imagine what life would be like without her.

No I don’t

And it’s for this reason in your OP

* I have lost multiple cats and a dog*

When people lose loved ones, there’s no possibility of multiple replacements.

I think we’re just not very good at dealing with other people’s emotional pain in general.

Some people don’t have people, they have animals instead. The loss of their animals who may fill many roles or holes in that person’s life isn’t necessarily any less painful than someone losing a human person they are close to. What I find really baffling in the hierarchy of grief, in pet loss, is the size thing - you can be as debilitated by the loss of your budgie as your hamster or cat or dog or horse. Working in pet care for years means I’ve seen people struggling with really complicated grief reactions after losing their companion animals, often medicated for years afterward.

@Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow
Why would someone else’s grief to losing a loved one would cause you to feel disgust?

I am not saying that me losing my animal was worse than you losing your mother/partner/sibling. I am saying that losing my animal, for ME, was worse than losing a human relative. This is magnified by the lack of understanding.

YANBU. I lost my beloved dog 4 years ago, having had her for most of her 17 years. I was a mess to be honest when it happened. I told work and took a duvet day and they were so kind to me the next day. I don't have kids by choice, and she really was my fluffy rock. She helped me get through redundancies, divorce and health issues. Fortunately most of my friends are animal lovers and they were very sympathetic. I think part of the reason it's more difficult is because they are with you every day. When my dad passed away a couple of years ago, I found it easier to deal with in a way because I wasn't constantly expecting to see him, although I was obviously grieving. There is pet bereavement counselling available, Google will have some suggestions and this might help you cope with your loss.

There is a memorial thread on the Litter Tray where you can post about your departed pet without judgment from other posters. We welcome pictures and stories on the thread.