WWYD? - kids' cruelty, old cat

[have4goneinsane]

Sorry for the length - basically the question is "do we keep the cat?"

We have Jasper, a very old (14 or 15) cat who moved in with us about 18 months ago. He is getting doddery, has arthritis, no teeth and has taken to peeing in odd places - I fear he doesn't have more than a year or 2 left

He is much loved by the whole family and our house has been much calmer since he moved in (4 kids aged 4-12, older 3 have aspergers).

Jasper loves people and children in particular, he seems to thrive on being hauled around, dressed up by children of any age and if there are 15 children in the house he will be found in the middle of the crowd being petted and manfully ignoring the sausage that a toddler is shoving up his nose.

So, generally a good match.

Occasionally the kids have been unkind to him, he has been kicked, the boys thought it would be hilarious to pick him up by his tail once, things like that. On each occasion that I know of Jasper has run off a short distance and then got on with life. The kids have had a bollocking, consequences etc.

Today they excelled themselves by throwing him on the trampoline while one of them was on there (they admitted this afterwards) - Jasper not only ran, he went and hid under the house for 3/4hour and when he came out he was clearly still shaken.

I feel they have crossed a line in terms of cruelty (basically they did this as part of a threat/bet situation, knowing full-well that it was cruel). I have told them that we will seriously need to consider whether we find a new home for Jasper. The thing is, I am not sure if it is crueller to move such an old cat or to keep him. He is so trusting that I know he will be back for more maltreatment opportunities.

WWYD?

Peer pressure doesn't mean a thing to my DS.
OP, you know your children and what consequences would work most effectively for them as individuals. Posters can suggest all sorts, only you will know if they are effective strategies that would work.
You need to really think about what's happening and act to protect the cat against their continuous nastiness, whether they intend it as nasty or not.
Or yes, give the cat to the CPL or another no-kill shelter. He may not get rehomed, but he won't be terrorised on a regular basis either.

That poor cat. Would you be quite as flippant if you had a baby that your kids picked up by eg his arm or leg, or plonked on the trampoline while they had a good bounce?

You have said that they knew it was cruel - no excuses then. Dismantle the trampoline, remove ipads etc.

Other posters have summed up what I wanted to say about your children quite well, I just wanted to add that I really want to give your poor cat a hug and buy him a big bag of dreamies, poor munchkin - he sounds like an absolute sweetheart :(

I would have absolutely zero tolerance for animal cruelty, and would be beyond horrified if my ds did anything close to this.

What were the consequences?

Has he got some high-up (out of children's reach) perches that he can escape to? You can buy them ready made, or use 12" deep shelves, with carpet offcut glued to them.

They're kids, they do daft things. Aspergers doesn't help.

Ban all the kids from trampoline for a spell as their punishment. To get access back they each have to do something nice for the cat every day for (supposing) a week. Nice can be feeding it or cleaning the bowl or providing an affectionate lap for 20 minutes, whatever the cat likes. Try to instill in them how to treat the cat and to always give it love. It's habit as much as anything they've lost.

Further trampoline privileges are contingent upon no more worrying incidents.

A doddery old cat with arthritis isn't going to find many placeds that an active 12 year old can't access.

I wont slate your parenting or children any further as i think more than enough of that has been done here already.

Agree totally with a doing a social story, id also do very clear set of rules (do's and dont's) with visuals and plaster them in every room, they will need to stay firmly in place for the duration, dont take them down whilst you still have the cat. Neither of my two with Autism bother to wash their hands after the loo if visual instructions have fell down.

Whilst of course removing the trampoline would be the best course of punishment I suspect in a home with 3 children on the spectrum, it is highly likely to be used for therapeutic reasons, as well as play.

Id certainly be removing something of importance to them though! did how cruel their actions were register after the event? Are you a 100% sure that they knew what they were doing was cruel?

When they have been cruel before (and yesterday) were they particularly hyped/wound up? do you think there are triggers prior to them being cruel to the cat? I find it hard to believe that all 4 of them have cruel tendencies is there a main instigator? Should you decide to keep the cat, you are going to have to watch them like hawks!!

I'd see if you can find a friend/relative etc to give him a home - maybe offer to pay vet's bills and food if that's an issue? Watch the children like hawks in the meantime.

Thanks for slating my parenting.

I was not being flippant about my children's behaviour, I take it, and always have taken it extremely seriously and they have known from day one that maltreating an animal is not acceptable. My post was written at breaking point and asking for advice as to whether rehoming a cat of that age would be cruel (I am well aware, having taken on elderly cats in the past, that it would be very difficult).

I'll make it clear that it is only the elder 3 who have engaged in this behaviour, DD2 would not dream of cruelty to Jasper. Aspergers has seriously affected the older 3's ability to empathise, add ADHD, ODD, RAD, PTSD and early trauma and they (and I) are dealing with a lot of things which inhibit their ability to be kind to anyone or anything. Remorse is not an emotion they seem to have. As I said originally, they also adore Jasper and he often comforts them when they are upset.

Previous cruelty to our old cats before we moved overseas 5 years ago was the reason we had been catless until Jasper moved in. Jasper walked through our front door (quite literally) and then kept coming back over and over again until we agreed with the neighbour who owned him that he'd made his choice and we would start feeding him (and footing the vets bills). We talked seriously to the older 3 about it and laid down expectations.

Nor was I being flippant about Jasper's behaviour - he actively seeks out children of all ages - if there are 15 children round him it's because HE has chosen to be there, not because we have forced him, we always make sure he has bolt holes.

Oh well, thanks for nothing

McFarts - thanks for a more reasoned post - you are right, the trampoline meets therapeutic needs - I prefer DD1 to be bouncing on there rather than throwing crockery at me or pulling curtain rails down when she loses it.

There is precious little I can remove - anything of value gets broken in our house, to the point where everything belonging to DH and I is kept under lock and key. iPads (which they have to have for school) have already been removed after DD1 & DS2 used them as weapons last night. Phones? no way do they even have them to be taken away. Cause and effect linkage is pretty weak with them but there have been some hefty chore consequences this afternoon.

I can't work out a particular trigger - in this particular case I think DD1 had annoyed DS2 which led to the threat/bet situation. I already watch them like hawks, I am almost more hypervigilant than they are, but I hadn't realised the cat was out there, or that they would go to that extreme. I don't know if they knew it was 'cruel' per se, but the reluctance to confess made it clear they knew it was against the 'rules' - which is all that counts in their books. Remorse? not a shred.

Clearly I am beyond parenting rehabilitation and my children should be removed as well as the cat.

What a sad post, poor cat, I have a 2 year old grandson who behaves better. Please find a lovely home for your cat as soon as possible, he certainly deserves to be loved and treated with kindness.

Not sure where you are OP but I know of one cat rescue called Goldies Oldies who specialise in senior cats and getting them rehomed. Obviously Jasper has been around children most of his life if he is generally in the middle of them but I quite agree that you cannot allow this to go on. Things that Jasper might have just taken in his stride when he was younger are not things he can now cope with. FWIW one of my cats used to LOVE being on the trampoline when DS was on there and used to leap on there as soon as she saw him get on. She was a bit of a one off though.

Look up local cat rescues as there are likely to be several beyond Cats Protection. If you are in Essex I know at least three....including Goldies.

My own old boy was rehomed to me at 14 after the death of his original owner and he's had a ball ever since. (Following a period of adjustment and re-bonding with me.) So it can be done very successfully albeit he was a family cat. I mentioned friends and family etc because I wasn't too sure about his chances with a rescue.

Thinking of both him and you, would it not be easier if you didn't have the anxiety of his well-being weighing on you all the time and he didn't have any issues with the children?

probably also ought to add - that in terms of life with my kids, I can either laugh about it or have a nervous breakdown - the past 24hrs with the middle 2 have been enough to tip anyone over the edge - hence phrasing is as them 'excelling' themselves.

Ah. Drip feed.

Sigh.

Oh dear have4 sorry.

I think firstly because you have put this on a board for cat lovers the vast majority of the replies are coming from the point of view of the needs of the cat, and not from the point of view of the requirements of your family.

Is there anywhere near you that rehomes elderly cats?

OP are you in London by any chance?

I think the cat should be rehomed, but it is very, very difficult to rehome an elderly cat. Our rescue could possibly help, but we are in London.

I actually wanted replies from pet lovers who might know about experiences of rehoming very elderly cats, rather than all the parenting experts who seem to have answered.

BertrandRussell NO, NOT DRIP FEED, simply that I wish all the parenting experts would understand that life is not as simple as they tell me to take away all the multiple electronic devices that my spoilt rotten children must of course have. I asked about the CAT, but now feel that I need to defend my children who do have reasons for their behaviour, not that that excuses it (before anyone else chooses to shred me)

I would definitely rehome the cat. I think it would be worth the upheaval to get him away from where he is now.

I'm sorry you have it so difficult, I really am, but you need to get this cat away from the place it is being abused. It's as clear as if you had a baby and they'd thrown it on the trampoline. It could get killed.

Well my own old boy is now over 20 - after 6 years with me - so I guess that counts?

Well you asked for advice on what to do, the right thing to do is rehome the cat. You have said your dc have no remorse (obviously because of their ASD) so therefore they will do it again. You shouldn't keep Jasper because of the comfort they sometimes get from him, he isn't a toy and they could permanently injure or kill him during the next bout of inappropriate behaviour.

I'm sorry your life is tough (I really am, I could never cope in your situation), this time however, there is an easy decision to make.

I agree, rehome.
Does the neighbour want him back as a housecat, if you were honest about what's happening?
Because if I was the neighbour, I'd be furious.

The poor cat will likely spend the rest of his days in a rehoming centre. There should be extreme consequences for this behaviour in terms of your children. PERMANENT removal of trampoline for a start. They can help with taking it down and selling it, and the proceeds donated to the RSPCA. They clearly need reigning in unfortunately and some education on animal welfare - suggest volunteering at a rescue centre in their spare time after a lengthy period of grounding is complete and they have donated their pocket money to cats protection league for a considered term. Good luck.

You might be better off posting on the SN section of MN or you are going to continue to get responses from people with experience of NT children and NT punishments that work for NT children.