Feeling so trapped by my cats

[VroomOnTheBroom]

I have three large fluffy pedigree cats, indoor only, and I'm starting to lose the plot. We have had them all from kittens. The 7 year old boy is handsome and well behaved but he sheds like a month-old Christmas tree (this is my fault I know, but I'm pregnant and have a toddler and I work, so something has to give and grooming is one of the losses). The 5 year old girl is sweet and affectionate but she scratches the furniture all to hell. I have those sticky strips on the bed, I keep long throws over the armchair to hide the legs and I have scratching posts round the place - but she still prefers the sofa/armchair/suitcases/foot of bed.

And the most upsetting one is the 5 yo boy who pees EVERYWHERE. No UTI that I know of. He started it about eight months old when we went away for a holiday, we came back to the flat stinking and our bed a lake of cat piss. We were in our 20s then, no kids and the cats slept on our bed. He started to do it every time he felt neglected. We were hungover and he was looking for cuddles? We would wake up to wet feet, mostly DH who is a heavy sleeper. It started being occasional but it's got worse and worse over the years. Now he's an opportunist. If I catch him in time he will run away and straight into one of the litter boxes (DH cleans the poo out daily and changes the litter weekly). He does it on soft furnishings, anything left on the floor (towels, bags, clothes) especially anything of my husband's. He's DH's cat so he craves attention from him more and punishes him when he doesn't get it - that's my theory. I've had to throw out several pairs of shoes, a couple of coats, countless hold-alls and suitcases. I am on my 3rd mattress in four years - the mattress protectors sometimes don't cover the edges well, or shrink in the wash, or leak, and the odour remover has its own odour and it's not pleasant to sleep on. Cats have been banned from the bedroom for the last 2-3 years because of this, but the door is usually open during the day - we are in an open plan flat and our ensuite has our bathroom so we are in and out during the day at home. He won't pee on the bed when we are at work during the day, but if I'm up seeing to our son and my husband is dozing or looking at his phone and not paying him attention, I often find the room stinking when I come back in. Last week after spending Christmas with my family I came home to find he's been using the bathroom sinks as a toilet - poo too, and not just the sink but peeing all over the countertop. At first I didn't know what had happened so I cleaned it up, and the next day caught him in the act again. He hasn't done it since though but in the meantime two bath mats are in the wash, and the single bed in my son's room has had to be stripped and the mattress treated with enzyme odour remover.

I'm so sick of hauling the bedclothes off my husband at 5am because I've been up with a baby and now I can't go back to bed because I have to put the bed linen in the machine. I'm so sick of my home smelling of cat pee and having to track down and work out what exactly has been urinated on this time by following my nose like a grossed-out bisto kid. I'm sick of losing comfortable shoes because I can't keep them by the door. I'm tired of not being able to have floor coverings - rugs and front door mats have all met the same fate. I've spent a fortune replacing sports bags and shoes and bedding.

I feel so trapped. He's only 5 and has a life expectancy of 16-20 years. I can't put down a healthy cat and he can't be rehomed with that behaviour, and I couldn't part him from his beloved twin sister either. I know he's my responsibility for the next 10-15 years. I feel so envious of other people's lovely clean, fragrant, unscratched, hair free homes. Of their black clothes that they don't have to constantly lint roll or dry clean because the volume of cat hair from 3 fluffy breed cats means black clothes look even worse coming out of the washing machine than they did going in.

The right number of cats for me would be one or none. We lost the girl recently and found her trapped in a cupboard after a brief scare. And all I could think was "why her? Why couldn't we lose Mr Pissy Pussy instead?" I would never do anything to further his demise but when I fantasise about leaving my husband so he could keep his two cats and I'd have my own well-mannered boy alone... I mean they are all "our" cats, just happened that over time one of the boys has attached himself to each of us and the girl goes with the younger male cat as they are close sibs.

I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to do.

What are these black lights? Would it mean I could stop sniffing like a bloodhound trying to detect where the smell is coming from?

Black lights = UV lights. They fluoresce body fluids. Gordon Ramsey uses one in Hotel Nightmares to check for dirty mattresses. [eurgh emoticon]

And to the posters telling OP not to put her cat down, I don't remember her saying this was an option.

What about a Roomba for keeping on top of the cat hair?

Oh man, I'm now coveting a Roomba! I must have one!

It looks very small though, like a portable CD player. There doesn't seem to be any room for it to store the debris/dust sucked up from the carpet.

I really hope you get on well with the behaviour consult - this little chap is your DH's cat but I've only seen you dealing with the results of his behaviour, you've said DH is a fantastic hands on dad but is it possible he could be a more hands on piss sorter outer? I apologise if I've misjudged but it reads as if it soul destroying for you and the bulk of it falls to you alongside working and toddler DS, that would be hard for anyone.
I do think it would be really beneficial for your DH to be at the consult if he can, you can gain valuable information from observing interaction between the whole family. It also really helps to get info from the source - no misunderstandings and a chance to deal with every concern or question can be helpful down the line if things don't happen as quickly as one might have expected, all on board, all being consistent.

Otherwise (apart from seeming to insult your husband, which wasn't the intent!) I have nothing to add that hasn't been said but just want to wish you the best of luck. APBC member help will be honest, up to date and compassionate advice that I hope gives you the best solution for everyone.

There's a version of the Roomba that's designed to deal with pet hair, I think. Also there's another design that mops too. Would it mop up cat pee???

I would never rehome a challenging animal unless I was 100% sure that it's life would improve very quickly. Animals have no sense of time- all they know is that they are unhappy, and have no concept of the future and that things will get better. All they know is the intolerable now. Humans can endure months of pain and distress with the prospect of recovery. Animals can't.
They also have no concept of death or impending death. So being PTS is not, by any means, the worst that can happen to them.

Agree with marne2 - I would not have indoor cats. Whatever anyone says, I am convinced it is entirely unnatural to prevent a cat from having fresh air, sun on its face, the opportunity to lurk, catch prey (don't like this but it is entirely natural behaviour), roll around in the grass or establish its place in the local pecking order.

I will be flamed but I believe no-one should keep a cat if it cannot have access to outdoors. I know some people cannot bear a neighbours cat urinating etc in the garden but all manner of wild animals will do the same - why is it so much worse that a cat does so? A cat digging may ruin some plants - but what about the mole that makes hills in the lawn or the multitude of pests that ruin your vegetables? It's nature!

I keep my cat in only when advised by a vet. Fadingcat was kept in for a couple of days after he was neutered. He sat by the cat flap all day, asking and waiting to be let out.

And as for having trays of urine/faeces-laden grit or whatever in the house,even in the kitchen (ugh) even if they are emptied twice a day - that's a no for me. Faeces and urine should be in the garden, not near where I prepare food, sit in the evening or where I and my guests come into the house.

You could try citrus oil to stop him using a particular area. My Siamese cats hated it so I would put it on my sofa arms to stop them scratching. And my boy Siamese definitely peed on things out of spite - clean washing was his favourite, and he would settle himself, check we were watching, then pee. Infuriating!

It's precisely because cats noses are so sensitive that changing litter once a week isn't enough.

I have one small cat. She started weeing in the house when I changed to a covered tray. She poos in it perfectly, and will wee in it a couple of times, but that's it. Once she's done a couple of weeks she pees around the house until it's changed.

I use Catsan and my fussy madam has to have it changed every day or she will piss wherever she can rather than use the tray.

She's better with an open tray but she's a litter flinger.

I've come to the conclusion that the cover concentrates the odour. We can't smell it, but we aren't cats.

I do know that with one cat she would be peeing all over if I left the litter in for a week, let alone three cats - that's like me cleaning the tray out every three weeks! The underlying litter does smell after a couple of days and when they dig to cover they can smell it too.

Perhaps your boy objects to using a stinky loo....

Perhaps your boy objects yo

My cat will do a couple of WEES not weeks .

Hakluyt from what experience to you offer your sage advice as it is different to my vets.
Methe not all confused people live in a state of terror.
My confused cat is quite happy.

fadingmemory Honestly, until a few years ago I would've agreed with you completely. I grew up with cats that went outside, and it seemed cruel to me to keep them in. I still believe that if a cat has the opportunity to go out, it should be allowed to use it if it wants to. However, I've come to realise just how many cats are living in shelters long term. Shelters do a wonderful job, but there are SO many cats without homes, and this means cats in small cages, or many cats to a small room. Honestly, go and visit one and ask how long some of the cats have been there. You'll be impressed by the job the staff do, but it is utterly heartbreaking to think of these cats living in small spaces, surrounded by other cats, with only as much one to one attention as a usually over-stretched staff can give them, sometimes for years. Compared to that, I can't see how a life indoors is worse. Especially somewhere like London - not everyone has a garden, so if only people who had gardens took cats in, there'd be even fewer cats in homes.

You also ignore the fact that circumstances change. Right now I have two cats in a flat. But I'm probably not going to be in this flat forever. One day they'll hopefully have a garden, which I'll be delighted to be able to give them - but for now, honestly, they are happy. It's not 100% perfect, but nothing is.

It bothers me that you add to your ideals about cats going outside a sort of squeamishness about litter trays. I mean, fine, but if you're going to play cats advocate, it seems a little hypocritical to then say you couldn't stand dealing with their outputs, and judge those who can!

Basically, for me, the cats bring me so much joy, but that's not the only reason I have them. I have them because it's better for them, and so I want to make their life as nice as I can - even if that means compromises on both sides!

". Honestly, go and visit one and ask how long some of the cats have been there. You'll be impressed by the job the staff do, but it is utterly heartbreaking to think of these cats living in small spaces, surrounded by other cats, with only as much one to one attention as a usually over-stretched staff can give them, sometimes for years"

And that's why I would never rehome a challenging animal and why "no kill" rescue places are a disgrace. Keeping an animal alive for years in conditions like that? Utterly disgusting.

How do we know that cats have no concept of death? They tend to go away by themselves when they are about to die.

They also go off by themselves when they are very ill or hurt too. That is instinct. Sometimes they then die, so we think they know they are going to die. That is confirmation bias.

What I mean by concept of death is the feeling that a human would have if they knew they were going to die tomorrow. Animals do not have this.

Hakluyt You'd never rehome a challenging animal because of shelters? Sorry, could you explain further?

I wouldn't rehome a proven aggressive dog, and I wouldn't home a feral cat unless I had a lot of outdoor space, but there are other forms of 'challenging' that aren't a big deal - I have a cat with a head injury, who doesn't know she wobbles when she walks, and a cat with 'emotional problems', who very much enjoys her life as a bloodthirsty nutter. They both could be classed as 'challenging' but add no extra work to my life than 'normal' cats would, and neither exhibit any signs of being stressed, unhappy, or in pain.

I do agree that there is a conversation to be had about no-kill shelters, and fwiw I agree with you that death is a completely different concept for animals - or, more accurately, a non-concept. However, not fearing death doesn't mean they're not glad to be alive. Any animal will struggle to stay alive, it's built-in. So I think if a happy life can be provided, it's a nice thing to do to provide one. Which, to me, is what this thread it about - the cat is unhappy. There are things that could be tried to make it happy. So why not try them? That's, to me, the responsibility of pet ownership.

Shaska- sorry, I didnmt make myself clear. Because the chances are that it would end up in a shelter, and I would not want to take that risk. By "challenging" I mean real issues that make it very unlikely ever to be able to live happily- like the ones that pee everywhere. I don't mean the "oddities" I had a three legged cat once that led a very active and happy "proper" cat life. And while I personally probably wouldn't have put him through the surgery and recovery (which was long and complicated), once he had recovered, he was fine.

Ah, that makes more sense. I guess we differ on when peeing everywhere is quality-of-life (both cats and humans!) limiting - it depends on individual cat/human circumstances really. But I do think in this case it's not quite a write off yet.

Wow, loads more comments, sorry, my 3G allowance ran out and I didn't see them til now.

Brief update: I got the feliway and plugged it in, but last night DH took DS out of the bath and dropped the towel on the ground - we found it this morning, peed on, not six feet from the diffuser. However, 2 things happened today which may make a difference: firstly the puppy pads arrived in my Tesco shop and secondly, we put our flat on the market. And will start looking for properties in the suburbs where we can have a garden and more rooms to divide up the property. Not just for the cats obviously, and we have been talking about it for a little while, but with DS age 2, another one on the way, and 3 cats at least one of whom evidently needs more calm space away from children than we can give him, this isn't suitable for us all anymore.

I do all the cat pee cleanup, this is true, even if DH thinks it isn't. However, he does almost all the litter tray cleaning especially during my pregnancies, and most of the feeding/water bowl refreshing too. So he does his share.

Whoever mentioned the Roomba, yes it is a great idea - I do have a Pet Series Roomba as we have all hard floors and although not perfect it does keep the hair to a manageable level. The biggest problem, as with most things, is toddler interference. Pushing glowing buttons and trying to herd it into corners. It's bigger than a portable CD player, about the circumference of a dinner plate and about 10cm high, and does manage to collect a fair amount of hair though you have to empty the box after every clean (about an hour).

And to whoever was being so judgy about my having so many cats in a flat, I got my cats 5 and 7 years ago, when we had a lovely semi-d house and no children, not my beautiful current flat. You don't always know what direction life will bring you, and I never once thought about leaving my cats behind when we moved since they were mostly indoor then anyway (the younger male cat has never gone outside anywhere even with the doors wide open, he just won't cross the threshold though he puts his paws right up to the edge! The other two are much happier to explore, though I do supervise as they aren't very aware of hazards). Will be broken-hearted to leave my flat, but needs must. (It's not near any good primaries and I'd quite like a garden for BBQs and a trampoline!)

great update Vroom, hope the move goes well.

We also have a pissy cat. You're between a rock and a hard place as you can't rehome. We've tried many things over the years but now she lives mostly as an outdoor cat. We have a shed for them with insulation, a window and lots of high perches. They come indoors for meals and when we can supervise them properly. They are less tame now but they seem ok in themselves.

It's not ideal but our vet assured us that cats are fine oudoors (including pedigree ones). DH's cat always slept in the garage when DH was little, and that was just normal them, he reckons. We moved them outside one Sept so that they acclimatised gradually as the season changed. It was easier for us because our cats are extremely outdoorsy anyway and loathe being locked in, but it still might be an option for you when you move.

If it helps, the vet gave us the strong impression that it's the norm to have a cat like ours pts. People just don't talk about it. Yours sounds a whole level worse but fingers crossed the move will help.

Great update OP! I hope you manage to sell and find the house you're looking for :)

Hope pissy cat is happier in the new place. My pissy cat has stopped doing it for now but I know how bloody soul destroying it is!

Good luck

OP - has the vet checked for Poly cystic kidney disease?
It's common in persian pedigrees.
My mil cat has it and he's basically ruined a whole house because of pissing everywhere.
He will pee on anything - carpets, towels, shoes, beds and will go in the litter.
Pil live in our house in the UK most of the time when we aren't there and mil does try to keep on top of it but it still stinks - I actually wanted to cry last time we visited because of the smell.
It's going to cost pil a very pretty penny when we decide to live there permanently again (or when he dies whichever comes first) because everything needs replaced - carpets, lino, mattresses, rugs.
He was an indoor cat but since living at ours mil has allowed him out every day into the garden - it makes no difference.

My boy cat did this when he was an indoor cat. Where we lived was completely unsuitable for a cat to be let outside. The family in the flat upstairs lost 4 cats in 12 months to the traffic and I wasn't prepared for that to happen to my pets.

He started weeing/spraying in the corners of the flat, in the washing baskets, in the bath, everywhere really. He was already neutered. We had the feliwqy plug in things, tested at the vets, but it was behavioural. We had litter trays in every corner and laid newspaper under them to catch the sprays. Changing the litter every day/every other day at most. What stopped it was moving away from the roads and letting him out. He was happy then.

I know some people have success with having indoor cats, but I don't think it suits all cats. Some have that desire to get out in the fresh air and just are not happy being cooped up all day long.