Why do people keep telling me to get another dog?

[natura]

I had to say goodbye to my dear old boy in March of this year. It was just him and me, always, and because of his separation anxiety we really were together all the time. I worked from home. He came with me everywhere. He was 16.

Those of you who have lost dogs will know what a strange and intense loss it is – it's been quite unlike any grieving experience I've had before. And I have a lot of friends who have dogs, so I'd hoped they'd at least be able to get to the edges of understanding.

But since he's gone, everyone I know has asked me if or when I'm going to get another dog – and often when I say no, they actively try to convince me. It's only just been 6 months, and it started within weeks.

I know some people get new dogs quickly, but why is everyone so quick to try and get me to replace him?

It feels like they're so uncomfortable with my sadness that to ease their discomfort, they want me to take on a whole new (enormous) responsibility.

I'm not sobbing into everyone's shoulders, I'm not going on and on about him – my grief is my own, and it takes my legs out from under me daily, but not publicly.

I find it so disrespectful and, frankly, weird. He wasn't a broken toaster. Saying it about a human would be unthinkable. Why do I keep having to field this horrible line of questioning?

I know that I won’t get another dog when mine goes. I love her dearly, but due to her anxieties our lives have been restricted. I don’t intend to get this trapped again, so I won’t have another.

I don’t think people are being ‘weird or disrespectful’. They are just trying to help.

From our own experience, getting another dog when ours died was what put us back together and restored our happy home. We are seeing friends tonight who lost their dog earlier this summer. I can guarantee someone will say ‘are you going to get another?’ at some point.

@ItsAlwaysTwins – I have no issue with people getting new dogs soon after losing theirs. If it feels right, that's wonderful. I'm genuinely happy to hear that it was the right choice for you.

But I'm sure you can also see that asking the question – and then trying to convince someone when they say no – isn't 'helping'. What does it actually give the person who's grieving?

Getting a new dog is not a revolutionary new approach that someone won't be aware is available to them and therefore needs suggesting.

And it's not 'having a dog' that I'm broken-hearted about, it's no longer having that specific being in my life. I don't miss 'dog', I miss him.

I was like you and felt like the suggestion of getting another dog was almost offensive - but when we did, it fixed us. We still love and remember and talk about our amazing dog who passed away, but our new dog just brings us so much joy.

I'm so sorry you lost your beloved companion.

Some people are just insensitive and have no concept of how it feels to lose a beloved member of your family. Others possibly think they are being helpful, that maybe another pet would be a distraction and help you to heal from the loss.

You have to be ready. When we lost our dog suddenly and traumatically, it was three years before we felt anywhere near ready to think about another dog.
We faced the same questioning that you've had. Neighbours and people we knew would ask when we were getting another dog, some would even suggest what type of dog they thought would suit us, or tell us about litters of puppies they'd seen advertised. It was really hurtful to us at the time.

Grief is a very individual thing. Only you will know when (if) you feel ready to think about another companion, but you will continue to be asked and you just have to be prepared for it and deal with it as best you can. We just used to say "we haven't thought about it" and change the subject. When we did decide we were ready for a puppy, we told nobody until the day we collected her.

From the other side of the equation - we didn’t get another dog when we lost ours. We adored her and were devastated to lose her but it was also a tie. We decided not to rush into getting another dog and started to enjoy the freedom to travel more and do things at the drop of a hat without having to plan everything around her.

That was ten years ago - we still don’t have a dog of our own but we travel around doing dog sitting for other people which we really enjoy. We get to have fun with dogs without having long term responsibility for one.

Follow your own heart, don’t get another dog unless you want one.

People seem to think about dog is just a dog. They really don't understand. I definitely said the same thing when I lost my miniature poodle. You can't replace the relationship you had with any other dog.
If you definitely do want another dog at some point you grow to accept it will be a different relationship.
It took me years to actually buy another puppy that I had chosen, a completely different breed.
But I did almost accidentally inherit two other dogs in the meantime, who needed me to take care of them. It filled a dog sized hole in my home without demanding too much emotional connection. They were loved and looked after, but didn't replace my lost boy.

I don’t think anyone thinks getting a new dog is replacing the old one. Our dog died almost 3 years ago and we talk about him and miss him constantly. No dog can replace another. They aren’t meant to. Each one gets their own chapter.

Suggesting it isn’t the same as pressuring someone. You can acknowledge the loss while also recognising that another dog may eventually be a positive thing.

I just know that getting a new pup healed our broken hearts.

I agree, I don't think anyone saying that sees it as a replacement. Everyone who has a dog knows that each one is an individual with a unique personality who cannot be replaced. It's like replacing a long term partner after an unwanted break up - you can't fix your heartbreak by just swapping them out with someone new! But the people asking you might know that having a new dog to love and care for can help to soothe the pain. I'm sorry you've lost your dog xx

It's because it's the only thing that helps ime!
It isn't a replacement for your other dog at all.
If you are a doggy person and you've lost a beloved dog, then you'll usually be happier with a dog in your life, and it really does help because it gives you routine back.

Id go one further. I think it's good idea to get a younger dog while you still have an older one that is in good health, as it often gives the older one a new lease of life, and it means there is someone to concentrate on rather than just the pain and grief

Most non doggy people don't get it, took me nearly twenty years to invite another one into my life after losing my first dog, it absolutely broke me, I just found it easier to avoid discussing it as I was very much looked upon as a crazy dog lady, but then after getting another dog into my life, I then also took on his sister from a later litter, which seemed like a good idea at the time until we lost the older dog and she was completely lost without him so I recklessly brought home another pup far too quickly to help her get over him, anyhoo, I am so so sorry for loss, only you will know if and when you are ready for another dog and they will by no means be a replacement of your beloved pal.

I think it’s possibly acceptable months later if you haven’t got another dog, to ask if it’s something you might consider, but to try to convince you to get another when you’ve said no, is insensitive and they should shut up.

We had a cat from aged 2 to 19. A relative was surprised I was still upset a month later and didn’t go to a family meal because I just wasn’t good company. She also told me to ‘just get another’ many times despite me saying I don’t want to and asking her to stop suggesting it.she didn’t understand that I didn’t just want a cat, I wanted my special boy back.

We lost one of our dogs a few years ago and the same relative actually sent me links to dogs on a website which I would never get a dog from, despite me saying we wouldn’t be getting another.

Some people are just insensitive OP and best ignored.

I’m so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your boy. When we lost ours, it was truly the worst grief I’ve ever been through. We are a few years on now and I still miss him every day. I still cry about him not being here with me sometimes but I can also think of him and remember happy times and smile. 💐

I lost my beautiful boy Harry on 31st August and I am so heartbroken. I've also had people say this to me which is so insensitive and it's not even been 4 weeks. My Harry was my first dog and my world and I would do anything to have him back. He's is not going to be replaced as he is irreplaceable. I really understand how you feel.

@PersephoneParlormaid I agree with that. When dogs get old, they are a huge tie and we now want holidays without the worry and expense of getting the dog looked after. We’ve done our dog time and we’ve moved on. I don’t see pets as equivalent to human beings. I see them as canine friends with personality but I cannot have my life put on hold for another 14 years! Some people just live for their dogs, but that’s not us.

my cat died after 19 years, sorry for a cat story on a dog thread, and it really annoyed me the amount of people trying to get me to take in random cats and sending me links for cats for sale that upset me

a dog/cat is a 16 year plus commitment as you know and you need to be ready for that, some people don’t see this

i took a year out, had some great lie ins and took holidays without worrying. After 12 months I got 2 sisters/hooligans from cats protection and it was right for me and them

tell them to feck off. You will know if/when it’s right for you. They do leave a hole in your heart

I had to come on here to reply. Unfortunately I lost my dog from cancer 1.5 years ago now. She was 14. I can honestly say it broke me in ways I couldn’t imagine. I always felt I had to justify this to everyone, but my god it put me to some very dark places. To give context I am married with three lovely children, but losing her took something I don’t actually think il ever get back, I think friends are coming from a kind place asking this, although I know that doesn’t help. My husband actually went and bought a puppy a month later. In what he later said was an attempt to fix my broken heart. Completely different breed of dog etc, Did it help me? in honesty it took the silence away and helped the kids but I personally wasn’t ready.
I think sometimes just saying directly to people I don’t actually want one can stop the constant comments and hopefully give you some breathing space

They probably mean to be kind. We kept getting told, and sometimes by dog owners, how good we were to rescue a dog, and how many others are desperate for a home. People think they're doing a good thing saying it, hoping you'll be happier.

I think it can be a reasonable question in certain circumstances. Maybe if you’re having an in depth conversation a reasonable time after the dog is gone if might be ok to ask is getting another dog something you would consider. But it would very much depend on the context of the conversation and it would never be ok to push.

We lost both dogs within a few months of one another this year. They were both elderly. Sil, when we told her about the first dog said are you getting another? I couldn’t believe how insensitive she was.

We won’t be getting another dog any time soon. If and when we get another, it will not replace either dog. I still just randomly well up when I think of them. I miss all the little things like having someone lick out the cream cheese container to clean it or paying the cheese tax or getting greeted when I get home. The greetings were less energetic in recent years but were no less enthusiastic.

💐 and 💜 to everyone who has lost a dog or other pet. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.

Totally get your description, it feels just too bleak some days doesn't it 😪. Love to all who've lost a dog or cat (horses are pretty devastating to lose too 😢)

Thanks to everyone who's shared their stories, from all perspectives - it's sad to hear so much loss in one thread, but it helps to know it's not just me who's finding people's responses tough.

I think I've always worked with the policy that it's not my job to 'fix' anyone's pain, so it's jarring when people think of my grief as a problem to be addressed.

Most of the time, it feels like people are suggesting getting another dog because they're uncomfortable with my sadness. They don't know how to just be sad with me and let that be – so they jump in to try and 'fix' or 'help' with it. If they can get me to stop being sad, they won't feel uncomfortable any more.

But my grief isn't a problem for me. It's a completely appropriate response to losing my best friend. I don't WANT it 'fixed'. I just want people to hold my hand while I'm in it.

I am so sorry for your loss. I totally get where you are coming from in the "need to fix things" I am happy to hold your hand through the grief journey .

For me I have working dogs that I spend 24/7 hours a day with. They are literally my friends colleagues and at times life savers all in one. The loss is awful. We have to get new dogs to carry on working for that I am grateful but it does nothing to help with the dogs I have lost.

In my experience it’s 50/50
my friend got one weeks after she said it wasn’t a replacement but she was at peace’s with the fact her dog had had a good life with her and it was her time to go the grief was the grief
but it was the loss of routine and purpose of getting up and going out for a walk which she had done for the last 14 that she struggled with

others friends said never again and enjoyed not being tied and getting the freedom to please themselves

it’s well meaning but unnecessary

I think its likely coming from a place of kindness. But everyone grieves differently and there is no one size fits all cure. Try not to think badly of them , it isnt malicious. They might think thats the best way to get over losing your beloved pup.
Losing a pet is simply horrendous as they arent just a 'pet' they are your family. You have clearly loved yours so much that at the moment a new companion is unthinkable and thats ok too.

So sorry for the loss of your beloved dog.

I think it is a well known fact of most humans that they find it easier to try and fix things rather than just let someone be sad or angry or whatever, it is easier and more comfortable for the majority of people to look for solutions rather than be around sadness and grief. You just need to tell them, that you thank them for their concern and what they think is help, but you are content with your grief and want to work through it in your own way and have no intention of getting a dog right now or possibly ever. Just tell them this when it comes up -

But my grief isn't a problem for me. It's a completely appropriate response to losing my best friend. I don't WANT it 'fixed'. I just want people to hold my hand while I'm in it.

Oh how fiercely we mourn and grieve for them. The anguish of it is equal to the love we feel. I am so sorry OP.

I cannot even now think of my first heart dog without my eyes filling with tears, and it has been almost 17 years since she died. I left it two and a half years after my last dog’s sudden death before bringing home another dog, which for me, looking back, was too long. He is the joy of my heart. I thought I would never have another ‘heart ‘ dog, but he is my second. I look at him and I feel such a rush of love.

Don’t discount it out of hand , but you need to be ready. Grief is different for us all. I found the Blue Cross Animal Bereavement Helpline very helpful.