Why do people keep telling me to get another dog?

[natura]

I had to say goodbye to my dear old boy in March of this year. It was just him and me, always, and because of his separation anxiety we really were together all the time. I worked from home. He came with me everywhere. He was 16.

Those of you who have lost dogs will know what a strange and intense loss it is – it's been quite unlike any grieving experience I've had before. And I have a lot of friends who have dogs, so I'd hoped they'd at least be able to get to the edges of understanding.

But since he's gone, everyone I know has asked me if or when I'm going to get another dog – and often when I say no, they actively try to convince me. It's only just been 6 months, and it started within weeks.

I know some people get new dogs quickly, but why is everyone so quick to try and get me to replace him?

It feels like they're so uncomfortable with my sadness that to ease their discomfort, they want me to take on a whole new (enormous) responsibility.

I'm not sobbing into everyone's shoulders, I'm not going on and on about him – my grief is my own, and it takes my legs out from under me daily, but not publicly.

I find it so disrespectful and, frankly, weird. He wasn't a broken toaster. Saying it about a human would be unthinkable. Why do I keep having to field this horrible line of questioning?

‘ I don’t want ‘dog’ I want HIM’ so very very true.

I also think you are right that many others are uncomfortable with others’ pain and can’t simply sit alongside it. I found this when I was seriously ill. Every small improvement was met with jubilation and sometimes tactless comments. All meant well, of course, but it does jar.

Regarding dogs being a tie - well of course they are, that’s the deal. I have never felt it to be an onerous one though. The things I like doing - walking, cottage holidays, road trips I like doing with my dog!

Honestly, for the same reason they tell you to just try again or have another baby after a loss. People are wankers with no empathy. It sadly simple as that. 99% of the population does not know how to cope with or support negative emotions from others. Sadness, anger, grief etc are unacceptable in most Western societies

Oh OP, I feel this so much. I lost my beloved dog to cancer last October after 15 and a half amazing years together, so it's almost been a year now. It's been unlike anything I've ever faced before, worse than any loss I've ever had. She was my soulmate and I miss her so much, every day. We had such a bond and the loss is indescribable. This last year I've felt utterly broken, like a person going through the motions of life with this huge underlying sadness. I've had bereavement counselling and I've really tried to look at all the wonderful positive things in my life, my husband, my lovely adult children, my friends. But the world is a different, sadder place without her in it. Nothing can replace what I lost. I really miss having a dog in my life, but the problem is I want the dog I had.

I find the same as you. There's almost no one left I can talk to about it now because I can tell people think I should have moved on. If I mention her name, they change the subject fast. And ask if I'll get another. I think people are just uncomfortable and don't really know what to say, so they avoid the subject or try to make me feel better. With the result I just feel utterly alone iny grief.

In truth I am probably at the point, a year on, where DH and I may consider a dog in the next 6 months. I'm thinking about it. But really just because we miss all the stuff that comes with having a dog. We won't be replacing her, nothing can do that. So many people said to me "think of all the fun things you can do now you don't have a dog" and "she was such a tie when she was old" without realising how hurtful it feels. That doesn't help; I don't want to do the things I can do without her. I want to take the dog I had for a walk, I want to have holidays where she's with me, I want to see her following me round the house, I want to take her with me when I go places.

I'm sorry I don't think I can offer much help. I'd like to say "oh look, after a year it's so much better" but the reality is it still really, really hurts. I think I'm just getting used to living with it in time, and I hope that one day it'll feel less raw. So honestly, so much solidarity from me. I know exactly how you feel. Knowing I'm not alone helps a bit.