Horrendous puppy blues

[WileyCyrus]

Hi everyone,

I’ve read many threads on here about the “puppy blues” but I’ve been hit so hard and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t wish to sound trite but I feel so horrendous that I really need some kind words and support, I can’t handle anything other at the moment. I feel awful at how I’m feeling and feel it’s a hell of my own making.

We have an 8 week border collie who we got on Saturday. We are only on day 3 and she’s doing ok so far. My children like her and are enjoying having her, but of course they go to bed as normal, get up and play with the puppy. They’re not experiencing the broken sleep or exhaustion (thank goodness, wouldn’t wish it on anyone!!)

My partner wanted the dog but asked me to wait until summer. I spotted a local breeder had some pups and basically bulldozed the situation and begged until he agreed we could get one now. I said I’d do all of the legwork. I feel so stupid and naive and incredibly guilty because it’s not the poor dog’s fault, but I am hating every minute.

I suffered very badly with PND with both of my children, felt suicidal and low for months on end, and this feels very similar to that. I’m not feeling suicidal but in a matter of days I have gone from feeling happy and excited to utterly bereft of all positive thoughts. I feel no joy when I think about her or see her, I had a panic attack last night and am really struggling with the lack of sleep (only had her two nights!). I sobbed at work today as I just didn’t want to come home. Home doesn’t feel like a happy place at the moment, and I feel like an absolute monster saying this, but I would honestly give her back in a heartbeat. I’ve been in the absolute trenches with my mental health before and it almost broke me. I just can’t do it again.

Has anyone been in this position before and made the decision to return the dog to the breeder? I’ve reached out to the breeder and explained I’m really struggling, and a work colleague who saw how upset I was today said a close family member is on the look-out for a collie pup, so there is that option potentially.

If someone were to come and collect her right now, I would feel instant relief as at the moment it feels like I have an iron weight around my neck. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t focus on work. My partner is pulling his weight for someone who strongly expressed that he wasn’t in a position to cope with a puppy right now, so it isn’t so much lack of support, more that I’m just not coping and can’t see a way out.

The additional worry I have is that I don’t want to break my children’s hearts as they are really happy with her, how on earth would I break it to them? What would I say? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I am on the edge at the moment and feel trapped and scared. The poor pup deserves better than this. I’ve read on other threads that people have hung in there and things have gradually got better. I’m not sure I’m able to do that without huge detriment to my mental wellbeing. I can’t be a good parent when I feel like this.

Any advice and support would be so welcome. Thank you for reading if you made it to the end.

Border collies are a lot of work. They don't need exercise as much as they need enrichment and mental stimulation and a lot of it. So long term, this dog is going to be a lot of work. If you are feeling like this now then, I think it would be fair to send her back to the breeder.

Thank you for replying
She is lovely, I absolutely accept the problem is me

Have you owned a dog previously? I ask because if you haven't, it's easy to underestimate the hard work, level of commitment and restrictions it puts on your life.

What I'm coming to is that, if you're an experienced dog owner and are confident this is just 'puppy blues', it's likely you'll get past this stage and have no regrets.

If this is your first dog, and you find you don't like your life with a dog in it, it might be best to rethink - if you are returning the dog to the breeder, do it sooner rather than later.

What has the breeder said? Responsible breeders usually have a clause saying that a puppy has to be returned to them ( not rehomed) as they will have vetted possible owners as far as possible. Who is looking after the puppy in the day and feeding it?
All puppies are demanding especially when they have just been uprooted and taken from their Mum and litter mates. They settle with the right strategies, love, care and time.
A Border Collie is highly intelligent and needs lots of mental stimulation and exercise. Not so much exercise when young ( as this can be damaging) but play and rest.
It sounds like you like the idea of having a puppy/ dog but didn’t think through the implications.
How old are your children? A BC can try to herd children and nip especially if bored.
Previously had Border Collies and they were absolutely wonderful but they had lots of regular exercise and mental stimulation.
I hope you find a solution that is best for you and your puppy.

19 month old border collie owner here, I hear ya! He’s my first actual dog, but I’ve had collies in my life, all my life. I knew it would be hard, but not as hard as it was. The first 6 months were honestly horrendous, I lost myself completely. He bit me almost constantly, could not leave the kitchen without going beserk jumping on literally everything and did not want cuddles in any way. But I wanted a dog for so long, I played the long game. We did training (so much training) and adapted life as best we could. Some days there were glimmers. In reality he was 6 months old before he could even consider settling in a room we were in. I will say after the first couple of weeks he became a lot better at the sleeping stuff. We have a different dog now, loves cuddles, can leave him alone for 4 hours and he just chills. Sleeps on his own downstairs for 9 hours without a sound. But he’s a collie, so he’s highly strung in adolescence and we’re currently working our way through dog reactivity. None of this may be your experience of course, but it’s taken a very long time for us to get to where we are and there’s still a lot of work ahead. BUT, god do I love him and does he make my life better in so many ways. The reward you get from seeing them learn and grow is so satisfying. I personally have found adolescence easier, but it’s a very challenging time and a collie will be a puppy until he is about 2 (maybe, hopefully 😂). None of this is probably filling you with hope, but I very much understand how you feel. Is it the hardest thing I’ve done, absolutely. Would I change it, absolutely not.

I honestly think if you feel like this so soon it's in everyone's best interests for her to go back now. Puppies are hard work, Border Collie puppies are HARD work!!! We have one who's pushing 6 months and it's still a rocky road, though much improved. She's literally just 5 minutes ago done a 'protest wee' in her playpen after having a massive tantrum and being confined in there to cool down. It's a long-haul situation, at least a year, longer really. Our last BC was an absolute angel by the time she reached the end of her life, but it took many many years of time, patience, energy and just waiting for her to simmer the heck down. I think she was 6 or 7 before she stopped enthusiastically biting our noses, then feeling dreadful that she's hurt us and biting them again by way of apology! And she was on 3 hours exercise a day! Would you manage that with children to care for too?

We have a border collie, he's nearly 5 now but I remember those puppy days well, and quite honestly they were hell and I would have happily given him up in those first few weeks. I don't know what to tell you OP, they are hard as puppies, following the sleepless nights came the teething stage where I seemed to be his target for biting...... those first 6 months I found really hard, but it passed and things got better.

I'm not saying your puppy will be the same, and if your on Facebook there are some good collie groups you could join - a lot of people will echo those tough puppy times.

Also to say, if you decide to keep the dog, and as you say you are well supported, take time for yourself whenever you can. And work with the household to make sure everyone is following the same rules. It feels soul destroying at times, but practice practice practice (scream into a pillow), practice some more and it does pay off.

OP, I completely understand. We got our labrador puppy in November, my idea too. Almost immediately I regretted getting him as I underestimated how much work he would be..my mental health deteriorated, and I have cried almost every day. However, he is coming up for 6 months old, and aside from issues with over excitement on walks, he is getting better. I have concentrated on training that improves our bond and promotes calm behaviour (Chatgpt was fab for ideas) and its slowly working. We are lucky in that for a lab, he is quite lazy, but also super easy to train. Plus he's gorgeous! Its a long road but hang in there, it will get better.

It is hard work and collies are very hard work.

I know this won’t help the OP but if you can leave the puppy until it’s 12 weeks old with its mother its so much easier as the pups mum and the breeder will be doing the hard work plus they’re so much easier to house train when they’re a little bit older

Thank you everyone for your kindness and advice, and balanced words. I’ve been in touch with the breeder who has been lovely and said if we need to take her back they will take her without hesitation or judgement, so I at least know I have that as an option

I would not hesitate to send this pup back asap so it has a chance of getting another home. You've been really daft, esp to go for a BC 🤦‍♀️ but it can be fixed at this point. The kids will get over it, just say you thought lego would be better and get them some instead, or whatever they like.

Sympathy from me, OP.

I wonder would it be possible for your partner to take over completely for a week or so, just to give you space to think it over?

I think there was a similar thread here recently, someone who also had PND in the past was feeling exactly like you are with her puppy. I can’t remember the outcome, but perhaps you could look for it.

Be kind to yourself

Just some solidarity here OP, we went for an Australian Shepard as our first dog and it was an absolute baptism of fire. We argued about him, he bit anyone that moved and anything that didn’t, he barked anytime we went upstairs, we didn’t sleep for nearly a year and quite honestly I didn’t like him at all

fast forward 3 years and I love him beyond words, I couldn’t imagine him not following me around the house. It wasn’t easy but for us it has been worth it. Do what you need to do (it’s great that you have the breeder on stand by) but with training and consistency they’re the best friends you’ll ever have

i really really struggled with my first dog. And I wasn’t working. What hours are you doing and how much is anyone else helping with the dog? You mention sleep deprivation. Is that because pup is crying?

To answer a few questions and comments…

I work 2.5 days a week so at the moment grandparents are doing some extra time after and before school drop offs and I’m coming home at lunch. I’ve potentially got a dog walker lined up if we decide we are keeping her as I can’t conceivably keep coming home every day I’m at work. I realise it’s not ideal but we don’t WFH so doing the best I can.

My DP wanted to wait a few months and I didn’t listen, I was stupidly gung-ho about it and so that’s on me. He has offered help but equally I feel we’re in this situation because of me, and so I’m reluctant to put any stress on him because it’s not what he wanted anyway.

The nights are draining me because although she is settling well, I’m not sleeping myself. She is doing blocks of maybe 4 hours which is great at this stage, but I’m not sleeping properly as I’m laid awake feeling crippling anxiety and just waiting on her barking/crying.

I’m well aware I’ve been stupid and naive, I did research the breed but now she’s here it feels massive. I’m shocked at how awful I feel and how quickly my mental health has spiralled, after being really quite stable for a good two or three years. I know I sound like an absolute arsehole for getting us all into this situation but I really did do it with the intention of us having a lovely family dog. I want to do what’s fairest for the puppy, because she didn’t ask for this.

I hope I don’t sound too defensive or like I’m trying to excuse how stupid I’ve been. From reading everyone’s comments I see some people see where I’m coming from and I’m so grateful for all the advice and for people sharing their stories.

Won’t your husband help some nights? My friend found puppy stage a breeze - I think she locked the puppy in a crate downstairs and took it out for toilet in the night … maybe once ?

He has offered to help out on the nights, as he has seen how upset and exhausted I am.
It really isn’t the puppy that’s the problem though, it’s me. I’m unable to sleep as I feel so anxious. So whether it’s him getting up or me, I still can’t sleep anyway for worrying about it all. It’s an awful feeling, I’m really in flight mode and just can’t see any other way out. The pup deserves better than this wreck I’ve become and my children deserve a mum who doesn’t make stupid, reckless decisions.

The first week is the hardest, sleep downstairs next to a crate, so she gets used to being in the crate for longer periods. Crate training has been an absolute god send with our bc puppy. They need 20 hours sleep a day. They need a space to switch off( we have towel over rh crate) make it a nice inviting space for her, food in there, treats and toys. Find a good dog trainer / behaviorists and do puppy classes. You in the hardest part. She will grown fast and soon you’ll be able to take her on short walks. The sleepless nights are very short lived and once you sleep normally again you will feel a million times better.

We basically made a duvet nest next to the crate to sleep in so we could maximise our sleep - you can cope so much better when you’ve had sleep. The first 4-6 weeks are the hardest. Dh and I alternated getting up and we’d give each other lay ins (pre decided so there was no guilt on whose turn it was).

I have a 2 year old BC, and although the first few months were tough, I found the 9-15 month stage even worse! That's when he seemed to completely forget his training and I started to really regret having him. Honestly, if you're in this absolute spiral after just 3 days I'd give her back to the breeder. You've still got quite a long journey ahead of you, and from the sounds of it you're at the end of your tether already.
BC really aren't like other dogs. They need stimulation and engagement to keep their brains busy, or they will make their own job! My boy is my world now, but he has completely changed my life and he's a big responsibility.

It sounds like you have bitten off a bit more than you can chew. How old are your children? BC are one of the hardest to meet their needs and they’re not really suited to a pet lifestyle. If your children are young and you work I think you will struggle. Also if you are very stressed that will make it harder still as the puppy will pick up on that and be less settled. It’s great the breeder has said they will take her back. Either give it another week or two and see how it goes, or if you are really unhappy just return her to the breeder. The kids will get over it and you can get an easier breed when they are older.

FWIW I bred two litters of Labradors and one was returned to me after two months. The lady had three young boys and worked PT. The pup was very wired and bitey and she just couldn’t cope. I went and got her and had her with me a while, until I rehomed her with a neighbour with adult children and another lab. She’s (dog) doing so well now, though still nuts. I don’t judge the lady, I actually think I made the mistake not seeing that she had too much on and would struggle and I’m really glad she handed the puppy back.

Send the pup back don't give her or sell her, be responsible and back to the breeder.

Sorry to say but I don't think any dog would suit you, so even waiting a few months won't solve this problem.

A Collie is bred to run & run all day long rounding up sheep & pottering around the farm yard interacting with the farm activities and often sleeping in the hay barn at night.

Your dog will take hours & hours of disciplined training with an expectation you can suppress its energy and stamina and appetite for stimulus and exercise.

Send it back to the breeder. Take action today and catch up on your sleep.

In my opinion Collies should never be kept as domestic pets. They can absolutely drain their owners and it’s unfair to the dear dog.

OP that last sentence is a horrible thing to say, please stop being so bloody hard on yourself

It really is hard to see the wood from the trees at this stage, I look back on some of our decisions with our dog and think “wtf were we thinking??”

if you’re interested in pushing through I suggest

crate training, it’s essentially installing an off switch, quite important for breeds like ours

facebook group for BC’s, our Aussie one has been super helpful over the years

a decent trainer, we were amazed at how much we were getting wrong! We didn’t have many sessions but enough to point us in the right direction

find a thing for you and your pup, it could anything from walking to cuddling on the floor, just a little thing that’s low stress and enjoyable, this really helped me to bond with our boy

as someone else said BC’s love a mental challenge. I get our dog to sit then I’ll hide 4/5 treats in the other room for him to sniff out. This tires him out a lot quicker than a walk would. Or stuff an empty loo roll tube with treats and kitchen roll