Horrendous puppy blues

[WileyCyrus]

Hi everyone,

I’ve read many threads on here about the “puppy blues” but I’ve been hit so hard and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t wish to sound trite but I feel so horrendous that I really need some kind words and support, I can’t handle anything other at the moment. I feel awful at how I’m feeling and feel it’s a hell of my own making.

We have an 8 week border collie who we got on Saturday. We are only on day 3 and she’s doing ok so far. My children like her and are enjoying having her, but of course they go to bed as normal, get up and play with the puppy. They’re not experiencing the broken sleep or exhaustion (thank goodness, wouldn’t wish it on anyone!!)

My partner wanted the dog but asked me to wait until summer. I spotted a local breeder had some pups and basically bulldozed the situation and begged until he agreed we could get one now. I said I’d do all of the legwork. I feel so stupid and naive and incredibly guilty because it’s not the poor dog’s fault, but I am hating every minute.

I suffered very badly with PND with both of my children, felt suicidal and low for months on end, and this feels very similar to that. I’m not feeling suicidal but in a matter of days I have gone from feeling happy and excited to utterly bereft of all positive thoughts. I feel no joy when I think about her or see her, I had a panic attack last night and am really struggling with the lack of sleep (only had her two nights!). I sobbed at work today as I just didn’t want to come home. Home doesn’t feel like a happy place at the moment, and I feel like an absolute monster saying this, but I would honestly give her back in a heartbeat. I’ve been in the absolute trenches with my mental health before and it almost broke me. I just can’t do it again.

Has anyone been in this position before and made the decision to return the dog to the breeder? I’ve reached out to the breeder and explained I’m really struggling, and a work colleague who saw how upset I was today said a close family member is on the look-out for a collie pup, so there is that option potentially.

If someone were to come and collect her right now, I would feel instant relief as at the moment it feels like I have an iron weight around my neck. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t focus on work. My partner is pulling his weight for someone who strongly expressed that he wasn’t in a position to cope with a puppy right now, so it isn’t so much lack of support, more that I’m just not coping and can’t see a way out.

The additional worry I have is that I don’t want to break my children’s hearts as they are really happy with her, how on earth would I break it to them? What would I say? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I am on the edge at the moment and feel trapped and scared. The poor pup deserves better than this. I’ve read on other threads that people have hung in there and things have gradually got better. I’m not sure I’m able to do that without huge detriment to my mental wellbeing. I can’t be a good parent when I feel like this.

Any advice and support would be so welcome. Thank you for reading if you made it to the end.

Don’t wait - return the puppy now as you’ve only had two days - don’t delay - much better all round and the puppy will be picked up by another family no problem - think what’s best for the dog - least upheaval - return him

do it now - don’t meander and delay - rectify it now

What made you decide on this particular breed OP?

Don’t beat yourself up x we all cock up, I got a rescue pup 2 1/2 years ago and I still think about rehoming her. Let hubby take a couple of nights and see how it feels once you’ve skied, you won’t get out of flight or fight mode until you achieve good REM sleep x. If you have to rehome the puppy it doesn’t mean you can’t have a dog but just maybe now isn’t the right time, or get a dog that’s been house trained and can be left x my rescue is part BC and she’s enormous hard work - constantly on alert -edge x

I could have written your story myself a number of years back honestly.

I also rushed into it, though I had planned and researched for a long time beforehand. Once I decided I was getting a dog, it was hard to wait.

I did end up returning the puppy after one week. Bringing him home triggered what was basically a mental breakdown. Triggered as in the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Instant regret, anxiety, feeling doom and that the world was swallowing me up. Felt utterly alone and just what have I done. My existing mental health issues which were manageable just spiralled. Thankfully breeder took him straight back. I went through therapy and treatment for my MH for quite some time and a few months ago brought my baby home. Same breed, different breeder.
Giving pup back caused massive feelings of shame and heartbreak but also instant relief. I still feel guilty but enjoying my baby now I see how she would have latched on to the next person the same way she did me.

This pup, I haven't had a single ounce of puppy blues. I've been enjoying every second, sleepless nights and all. I fully expected to get the puppy blues but was more prepared to deal with it this time with a strong support system also.
I'm so grateful. She makes it all worth it.
Puppies bounce back fast. If you were to take her back to the breeder, she'll find her forever home. Think it through. We're going through the teenage phase now and honestly it will get worse before it gets better (the first bit I can attest to...the second I have only heard but I'm hopeful!!) Occasional accidents when overexcited but she's been sleeping through from 12 weeks ish.

I've read sometimes it's a blip and people get over it and wonder what the fuss was about. But if it's deeper routed and there more to it (i.e mh), it would be kinder to let her go back sooner rather than later, as the longer she's with you the harder it'll be.

Maybe it's the timing, fate etc.
It's a massive and life changing commitment. But the last few months have been some of the best of my life and I still pinch myself looking at her now. You may well have the same experience.

Good post from @MischiefMaker

People here are very harsh on those who aren't perfect dog owners - usually justifiably - but we do all make mistakes. The fact that you're realising yours so soon and taking appropriate action is a good thing.

Usually with puppy blues I'd advocate continuing with support, training etc but in your case it does sound like the best thing to do would be to let her return to the breeder so she can find a suitable home.

You're doing your best and your mental health is clearly fragile, don't be too hard on yourself.

I felt exactly the same when we got a lab puppy. I dreaded coming home and felt I couldn’t give my kids any attention as constantly watching to see if it was going to piss or shit on the floor. Took it back to the breeder. Lost £1k but even then felt it was worth it. Made me realise my life was so good without a dog!
I do realise that it probably does get better but I don’t think I could’ve done at least six months of it til it potentially improved.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself op, we all make mistakes and how were you to know this would trigger your mental health? We can’t plan for that kind of thing, you weren’t to know!

A similar situation happened to a friend, getting a puppy triggered mental health issues that she said felt exactly like her PND. It was the lack of control and sleep. The puppy was crying for a while then falling asleep for a few hours at a time, but she was still wide awake in bed listening for any sound from the puppy, thinking he would wake at any minute. She returned him to the breeder after a week, and the breeder already had a couple of people lined up to take him. If the breeder is offering to take the pup back you know he or she will be in sage hands, back with mum in a familiar environment and will be absolutely fine. If your mental health is suffering this much it seems the most sensible thing to do. You could tell the dc that the the pup is poorly and needs to go back to mum? If they’re young they will get over it quickly. It doesn’t mean your family will never have a dog, but at least now you know how you could feel, and possibly in future have some therapy to see if that helps? There’s obviously something there from your PND and maybe general anxiety that needs some time spent on it. Plus there are other options like rehoming an older dog in the future, though our old rescue was a nightmare for crying and barking at night and had separation anxiety at first. Our current fur baby was pretty chilled at night apart from a short cry when we left her. It was during the day she was a terror! That calmed down after the first month, then we had a little shark biting us and chewing anything insight, then there was the adolescent stage when they’re about 9-12 months (I can’t remember exactly), they can go a bit bonkers with teenage dog hormones!

So there are phases and stages even once you get past the first few weeks of sleepless nights, things are quite up and down, the toilet training stage, the baby shark stage, a brief calm period and then the adolescence stage. If it was just the first few weeks of lack of sleep it would be much easier, I actually found the toilet training part ok, it was the nipping, biting and chewing things I found the hardest part. Dh found the adolescence part harder, suddenly decided she’d ignore him and all the training she’d had! My point is, it’s not just the early weeks and puppy blues stage, there are multiple stages and phases that are really constant hard work.

But please be kind to yourself, you couldn’t have foreseen this situation happening, you might feel a bit embarrassed or naive or whatever, but if the breeder takes the pup back and rehomes then he has basically just had a little holiday visiting you and is then going home to mum. The pup will be fine, our breeder had this clause in our contract that she would be the person any pup should be returned to and she said it happens all the time. She said she has enquiries all the time for litters, or knows someone who knows someone looking for a puppy, so never takes long to find the puppy a new home. Good luck with whatever you decide to do op, and please stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself, these feelings and anxiety that have been triggered are not your fault

Kindly, you are not cut out for a puppy if you're in this state after just a couple of days, and the responsible thing to do is return the puppy sooner so the breeder has a better chance of rehoming and it will be less traumatic for the dog, and for you. There's no sense in beating yourself up, as others have said. But it is important now to take ownership of the situation and do the right thing by the animal.

Our 8 m o Italian rescue who is a cross between two working breeds had two homes with young kids before us that couldn't cope with him, because he is extremely high energy, and our collie x before him was rejected by owners with a young family because too much work. Working breeds really aren't good family pets for young suburban families, unfortunately, but breeders are breeders, they don't tend to care much as long as they make their money. If you really want a dog, your family may do better adopting an older, calmer dog that is past the puppy stage, house trained, won't have you up in the night, etc.

Hi op just to say ive been where you are not with a border collie but with another intelligent breed that needed constant stimulation. I was like you i couldn't sleep and it felt like PND. It was going to break me. We took the puppy back after three weeks and it broke my family's heart but I just knew deep inside that having a dog wasn't going to be for me. We have two cats now and that is a lot more manageable. I take the blame for the whole situation but I was doing it for the kids more than for me. I'd never had a dog before and didn't realise the reality. Never again.

Whatever you decide to do is fine, and you should feel no guilt for making the best decision for you & the dog! We have a 12 week old puppy, the first two weeks I felt like you do now. Losing my mind with anxiety and wanting to return the puppy. I read all the puppy blues threads but was convinced I would never recover. Then things started to ease week 3 and now after 4 weeks we are in a routine and I am really enjoying him and feel SO much better and glad we kept him.

It was a massive shock & life change, even though we are dog people and have always had dogs!

Sending you 💐

Puppy blues is definitely real, and I do feel for you OP but reading this thread I am so sad for the number of puppies that get returned.
I wish people would really sit and think about the impact a puppy/dog will have on their life and not just rush into buying a cute puppy.

I’m a long-term dog owner who has taken on 2 dogs who were rehomed/returned by others within the first 3 months of their lives.

Have you considered rehoming a slightly older rescue dog instead? Places like Dogs Trust etc will rehome some dogs to homes with children, though it restricts choice a little

Puppies are really hard work. You are being very down on yourself OP. We have all made decisions we regretted. I was demented with our most recent pup even though I’ve had a lot of experience with dogs. With the sleeping Ive always given up and let them in the bed but I know that’s not for everyone. As pp have said border collies need a lot of enrichment and work or they get bored very quickly. It does sound as if you would be best to return to the breeder asap. Maybe if you explain to the kids that it’s best for the dog?

A border collie is one of the hardest breeds and I think with your lifestyle- children, part time job - and anxieties, you should choose a more chilled breed if you get a puppy again.

Re this puppy, I honestly think you should return her to the breeder and feel no shame in saying it just didn’t work out. I understand it will be hard explaining to the children but it’s not their mental health being damaged by looking after this puppy. I’m sure the breeder will be able to find a good home for her and the sooner the better really.

Puppy blues is a very common thing but it doesn’t normally hit this hard. Most of us can sleep while our puppy is sleeping for example. You have a lot of anxiety around caring for the puppy and should put yourself first instead of worrying about everyone else.

Im glad you have reached out to the breeder and she has responded how a decent breeder should. It’s brave to admit you’ve made a mistake but it happens… no judgement here whatsoever.

If I was you I'd return the puppy, have a break then go to a rescue and get a young cat or a pair of kittens instead if you really want pets. I'm not being trite - you will still have lovely pets but they will fit in with your lifestyle so much better and they're simply not on the same level of hard work, especially Border Collie levels of hard work!

When our (three) children were young we were keen to get a Golden Retriever puppy and contacted a well respected breeder. Even though I was a SAHM at that point she kindly but firmly said she wouldn't allow one of her puppies to go to a home with three young kids even if I was at home all the time (and the kids were 6, 4 and 2, I must've been mad to even think about it!) because it would just be too much and wouldn't be fair on the puppy or anyone else. She recommended that we consider a calm, adult dog and we did eventually rehome a lovely well-trained 4 year old GR through her connections, he was amazing and we had many happy years with him.

I don't think young families, work and puppies mix. Our DC are all young adults now and we have cats as we don't have the time needed for a puppy, even though we'd love to have a dog.

Send the puppy back and perhaps get an older, less challenging dog who will be easier all around. Ex racing greyhound?

If you get rid of this pup, what is your plan going forward. Next pup you will react the same, so is it no dogs going forward? A different breed won't change your current reactions.

Like @Pricelessadvice one of my dogs is a rehome. I was her 4th home by the time she turned 3 years old. She has issues from her past upbringing, but I've had her 11 years now and she'll stay with me. I got her to be a companion for a westie puppy I was getting. He was the succession plan for my staffy, who I'd lost a year earlier. Unlike you, my response to my puppy was to wake up every morning feeling so lucky to have him. All puppies deserve that, not to be treated like a burden.

I put a lot of thought into both dogs and actually took 3 months off work to settle them in and give them the best start I could.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad but getting animals should be more than a whim and buying a pup because one is available. I'd contacted the breeder of my westie pup 4 years before my staffy died. He'd just been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, but luckily it stayed quiet for quite some time, my way to deal with his loss was to a ork out a succession plan. We stayed in touch over the years and when my boy was pts, I reached out to let her know and said it takes me around 9 months to get over the loss. That fit in with her planned breeding plan, but I was also happy to wait if it didn't.

8-week-old Border collie pup? Can we see a picture, pretty please??

Wow OP give yourself a break! You are only human, stop beating yourself up over this!

What is your husbands thoughts on this? Yes you pushed to bring puppy home earlier but so what? Let him get stuck in! Stop taking it all on yourself.

It does sound like it’s better if you give puppy back. It will find a good home and then you can start again another time. Might be better to get a different breed perhaps. No shame in that, we live and learn.

I've successfully had lots of dogs in my long life. The only one I couldn't cope with was a Border Collie. They are hard work and not really pet material as they love being working dogs. I think you sense that she's going to be a challenge and it's affecting your mental health. I couldn't bond with mine at all. Luckily my MIL's dog died and she begged me to let her have mine. She was able to give her the hours of walks she needed every day.

Please send her back to the breeder. Your children won't be as upset as you think. Explain something like she needs to live on a farm and you've realised that she's not happy with you. Don't beat yourself up. Your mental health is the most important thing.

If you get another puppy in the future, look for a breed that's a pet, rather than a working dog.

As with babies, you do need to have robust mental health to handle the puppy stage. Some puppies are super easy of course, but most aren't at all. I have had three puppies and this last one has probably been the one that has been hardest. We are at 7 months now and the first 2 months I had him are a bit of blur. I didn't feel depressed or suicidal, just absolutely exhausted. Around the 4 month stage I started to see the results of training and from 5 months on he has been a dream.

I don't think you have chosen the right breed for you though. I don't agree with getting a working dog and then not give them work to do. BCs have a very specific role, they need an outlet for that and it can't be substituted with puzzle games and lead walks. With small kids you should have chosen a dog that is happy to be just a pet.

The puppy is also way too young to be left at home with someone just coming over for a luchtime walk. That stage is months away.

I think you need to return this puppy so that she has a chance of finding a more suitable home.

Return the puppy to the breeder - don't give it to some random you don't know. At this stage it should still be giggles and laughter. It's in a few weeks when it really gets worse - teething, not able to exercise, smarter, more confident.

I disagree with people saying the husband should help more. OP pushed for the dog, she is an adult and this is her responsibility to fix/find a solution/manage. Honestly, the husband sounds like a gem for 'pulling his weight' (as OP says) already - lots of partners wouldn't.

I'm not sure why people are suggesting other dogs in the future. An eight week old puppy is easier compared to what can come next - regression when it's a teenager, barking, resource guarding, anxiety, aggression etc.

@TheHungryHungryLandsharks we’re all different.

I’ve raised 3 Labs in my life (ok the current one is only 3 months old so maybe doesn’t count). But with the other 2, I found the puppy stage harder than the adolescent stage. Yes they can be challenging when they test you as adolescents but at least they are house trained so you get your life back as can leave them alone for increasingly long periods of time. At least they sleep well - all night and half the day with Labs! There’s all the pressure with puppies as well to raise them right so they don’t develop issues such as resource guarding, anxiety etc. It’s a huge responsibility to raise a well adjusted dog that really gets to some owners of puppies- myself included.

So while I know some people find adolescent dogs harder than puppies, others find the puppy stage the worst 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh that's so tough -?try not to beat yourself up - give it a week then return to the breeder if you think your mental health will continue to be affected

Collies are working dogs, meant to be running and active all day, are you sure this is the right breed for you? If you work and have children it may seem like you have bitten off more than you can chew. Puppies are such hard work, in hindsight you should have left the pup with its mum till 12 weeks. I found having the pup in a room with me (on the bed) was much easier as they need company and are a pack animal so putting an 8week old on its own will never end well. I really would give the pup back I don’t think it’s suitable for your family.