Horrendous puppy blues

[WileyCyrus]

Hi everyone,

I’ve read many threads on here about the “puppy blues” but I’ve been hit so hard and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t wish to sound trite but I feel so horrendous that I really need some kind words and support, I can’t handle anything other at the moment. I feel awful at how I’m feeling and feel it’s a hell of my own making.

We have an 8 week border collie who we got on Saturday. We are only on day 3 and she’s doing ok so far. My children like her and are enjoying having her, but of course they go to bed as normal, get up and play with the puppy. They’re not experiencing the broken sleep or exhaustion (thank goodness, wouldn’t wish it on anyone!!)

My partner wanted the dog but asked me to wait until summer. I spotted a local breeder had some pups and basically bulldozed the situation and begged until he agreed we could get one now. I said I’d do all of the legwork. I feel so stupid and naive and incredibly guilty because it’s not the poor dog’s fault, but I am hating every minute.

I suffered very badly with PND with both of my children, felt suicidal and low for months on end, and this feels very similar to that. I’m not feeling suicidal but in a matter of days I have gone from feeling happy and excited to utterly bereft of all positive thoughts. I feel no joy when I think about her or see her, I had a panic attack last night and am really struggling with the lack of sleep (only had her two nights!). I sobbed at work today as I just didn’t want to come home. Home doesn’t feel like a happy place at the moment, and I feel like an absolute monster saying this, but I would honestly give her back in a heartbeat. I’ve been in the absolute trenches with my mental health before and it almost broke me. I just can’t do it again.

Has anyone been in this position before and made the decision to return the dog to the breeder? I’ve reached out to the breeder and explained I’m really struggling, and a work colleague who saw how upset I was today said a close family member is on the look-out for a collie pup, so there is that option potentially.

If someone were to come and collect her right now, I would feel instant relief as at the moment it feels like I have an iron weight around my neck. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t focus on work. My partner is pulling his weight for someone who strongly expressed that he wasn’t in a position to cope with a puppy right now, so it isn’t so much lack of support, more that I’m just not coping and can’t see a way out.

The additional worry I have is that I don’t want to break my children’s hearts as they are really happy with her, how on earth would I break it to them? What would I say? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I am on the edge at the moment and feel trapped and scared. The poor pup deserves better than this. I’ve read on other threads that people have hung in there and things have gradually got better. I’m not sure I’m able to do that without huge detriment to my mental wellbeing. I can’t be a good parent when I feel like this.

Any advice and support would be so welcome. Thank you for reading if you made it to the end.

@Twiglets1 but that's the point. The issues that come to an adult dog are 99% of the time a reflection of the owner - either through incompetence or negligent ownership. So if OP gets another puppy, and can't cope with the puppy stage again but keeps the puppy anyway, what comes next will be bad. At eight weeks, a puppy is pretty pointless (in the nicest possible way). Perhaps I should have explained that more clearly.

Getting a rescue (as some have suggested) is just a terrible idea - most rescue centres seem to lie about the dogs behavioural issues and health (as we're increasingly seeing on DogHouse) and given OP is struggling with a puppy it's not unreasonable to think she wouldn't cope with a rescue.

It's just hard to believe any future dog will not set off the sam reaction and it's not fair on a puppy or a dog to be bumped from house to house because people want another chance at dog ownership. Puppies and dogs deserve better than that.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I suffered with awful puppy blues and - if I'm honest - still find it hard over a year down the line. I have a show line Labrador, so whilst not as high energy as a collie, still a working breed of dog. It really does get easier in stages but it's hard slog. I still struggle but things are much, much easier than this time last year. I think you're at the ideal stage to return the puppy to the breeder if it's not working out. Please don't feel shame at all. It's much better to realise it now than further down the line, and they will go straight to a new family and (not to sound harsh) they will adjust super quickly. Of course, you can stick it out, but I'd be lying if I said it will get better straight away. I suppose it depends on what you're finding difficult. The potty training happens fairly quickly, as does the sleeping through the night. The training is ongoing though, and the responsibility doesn't fade. I hope you make the right decision for you, and I promise you that you won't be letting anyone down by rehoming.

Good evening all,

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words and support, especially those who understood where I’m coming from and asked me to be a bit kinder to myself. I’ve read every post and really appreciate the time people have taken to offer advice and words of solidarity.

I just wanted to update and say that I took the pup back to the breeder this evening. It was a really tough decision but absolutely the right one to make. The breeder was lovely about it, so kind and understanding, the puppy went back in really happily and loved seeing one of her brothers who hasn’t been collected yet. I have no doubt she will be a lovely, lovely dog and she deserves the absolute best.

My children were ok-ish when I sat them down and explained what was happening; one was especially upset but are both ok now. We’ve spent a lovely evening doing Lego together and it’s been nice to spend some quality time with them without feeling like I’m being crushed and can’t breathe.

For those wondering if I’m going to want another dog; at the moment and for the foreseeable it’s completely off the table. I can’t say I would never ever consider it again, but it certainly won’t be any time soon, perhaps when I’m retired or my children are teens. I’m so sad about how this has gone, it was never my intention for this to fail but I’ve done my absolute best to fix the situation in a way that would cause the least harm to both the dog and my family. I did loads of research and felt so ready for it, but sadly nothing prepared me for the nosedive my mental health would take.

The positive is that the beautiful pup has a fresh chance of finding her forever home ❤️

Sooner the better definitely the case here, someone still gets to have a puppy as you’ve taken her back rather then going back and forth making a decision x. so well done x I hope you’ve given yourself a break now x

Pleased to read your update OP. No harm done. Lessons learned but honestly this seemed like the best outcome for you all.

So sorry you went through this, it’s scary how quickly all the PND trauma re-emerged.

The puppy of course will be absolutely fine.

Carry on being kind to yourself.

Well done, you have done incredibly well, and being so decisive at this point is the absolute best thing you could ever have done. Congratulate yourself on that. There might be another dog in your future, but not yet, but at least you will be prepared next time. Honestly can’t stress how you have done the absolute best thing for your Dog, and for your family. Well done. ☺️

Well, I wouldn't have advised a BC as a first dog but we had a rescued one and she was a pretty calm, sensible dog when she came to us as an adult and joined a number of other adult dogs of various breeds.

I have never got up in the middle of the night to let a pup out. I arrange a crate with a bed at one end, a bowl of water and a puppy pad for toileting on, if necessary and go to bed myself. I don't want the pup to get used to a routine of waking up during the night.
I really think that you are making this harder for yourself than it needs to be.
I suggest asking your GP for support if your MH is so precarious but it isn't unusual to wonder if you've done the right thing when you bring an addition into the family.

I felt like this about our golden retriever puppy. I did not enjoy the first 8-12 months. But he’s lovely now

Well, I for one am proud of you! That really wasn't an easy step to take but I think by far the best one.

When our (three) children were young we were keen to get a Golden Retriever puppy and contacted a well respected breeder. Even though I was a SAHM at that point she kindly but firmly said she wouldn't allow one of her puppies to go to a home with three young kids even if I was at home all the time (and the kids were 6, 4 and 2, I must've been mad to even think about it!) because it would just be too much and wouldn't be fair on the puppy or anyone else. She recommended that we consider a calm, adult dog and we did eventually rehome a lovely well-trained 4 year old GR through her connections, he was amazing and we had many happy years with him.

I don't think young families, work and puppies mix.

It's good to know there are sensible breeders and rehomers out there who will say no to young families having puppies despite losing a potential sale. Most rehoming charities won't allow dogs to go to homes with preschool children, and it's for good reason. Animals are not toys made for kids' amusement. They have their own distinct needs, which don't always fit well with life with a young family. They also should not be disposable commodities and far too many families get puppies they can't cope with, they don't have time to train them, let their kids play rough and maul the dog and eventually it snaps, dog gets neglected because they're at work/school etc and they don't bother sorting out care/walking for it or didn't actually think it through and can somehow pay £1000+ for a pedigree puppy but can't afford a dog walker.

I probably am one of those who is harsh on poor dog ownership on here. That's because I've adopted and fostered several rescues, and overwhelmingly they haven't come from horrible, abusive owners - it's been naive families who bit off more than they could chew, compounded by breeders who don't care who they sell to. However, I applaud OP for recognising it early and doing the right thing, in this case, because too many parents won't do that "because the kids will be sad" - so they carry on and then it's much more difficult to rehome and retrain. OP has 100% done the right thing and yes it's difficult and sad, but sometimes we have to do hard things, and preserving her mental health is for the good of the whole family.

Well done OP, please be kind to yourself and at peace in knowing you have done the right thing for you and the puppy. I've got a two year old spaniel, another intense working breed, and am now finally reaping the rewards of a great deal of training and patient persistence, but I can honestly say the first weeks and months nearly broke me and Im retired with a very experienced dog owner as partner. Neither of us would ever have considered getting a border collie as they are the most intelligent and neurotic breed ever!

You've done the right thing for everyone OP and did well to find a breeder who has taken the puppy back. Don't be too hard on yourself

You did the right thing @WileyCyrus

The breed was wrong for you and the timing also.

Your mental health is always something to prioritise. It has been a tough time but I’m glad you’re through it now. The puppy is fine too and will be found a new home soon. Not wishing to criticise the breeder because she has responded properly but maybe it has been a learning experience for her too as selling a BC puppy to a family with young children was never ideal in my opinion.

Well done OP, you’ve faced the situation so well and it takes courage to take a hard decision like that so well done.

I have friends who did exactly the same as you, it sometimes just doesn’t work out and, like having kids, all the theory in the world can’t really prepare you for the reality. I actually found the adjustment to having a puppy much harder than the adjustment when I had my first baby - at least with the baby I had some natural intuition!

Please don't sell or pass her on. The breeder is where she needs to be returned to. Her contract of sale should have specified that you go back to the breeder.
EDIT
Ah I see you did the right thing for you and pup. Good news.

Just wanted to say well done OP, that was a tough decision for you to make, but it sounds like it was absolutely in the best interests of you, your family and the pup.

I never understood why people insist on getting puppies when rescues exist. Not because of the ethical issues around breeding but because of this phase! We have a delightful rescue dog who's temperament was well understood before we got him so we knew he would be a good match with our family, and he was fully mature so none of this behaviour and already trained.
Return the puppy and when you're ready, get a lovely, mature, steady rescue dog. There is no need to specify a breed when you get a dog unless you've got a breed specific task for the dog/you're a farmer etc.

EDITED after seeing your update. Well done, don't beat yourself up too much and do consider a rescue in future when you're ready.

I’m so sorry things are like this, you didn’t predict or plan this obviously so I really feel for you. My gut feeling, having had a border collie pup in the past, is that it’s in the best interests of the pup to return to consider returning to the breeder. Dogs and especially sensitive border collies will pick up on your anxiety and distress. Either that or the pup becomes your partners full responsibility for now. Border collies can be very much one person traits - ie from the working side. Wish you well whatever the outcome and take care of yourself.

Edited - sorry didn’t see your update!

Ahhh sorry OP I missed your update. I think you should be proud thst you faced up to this and took a really responsible route for you and the puppy. Pup will be fine and I’m impressed with the breeder too.

You 100% did the right thing so spend the next few days doing lovely things with your family and be kind to yourself.
I was in exactly the same boat as you back in October, huge regret and anxiety, wasn’t sleeping and was so overwhelmed. I also took the puppy back to the breeder and my DD7 was devastated, but all the responsibility was on me as my husband just carried on living his life whilst my was turned upside down looking after the puppy.
A happy mum means a happy family and you have to have your own needs met too.

Well done!
We had a collie puppy pre children, it was right dog, right time in a pretty rare set up. I could not have taken her on later. She then worked well during the baby, toddler and young child years. So good for my SAHM mental health, that collie was the cleverest thing in the house for many years. I still miss her. And our life was full time small kids and dog.

We then got a different breed, lower maths group, very laid back when the kids were 8 & 6. Right time, pre screens to be a childhood companion. The kids are both at uni now and we enjoy a chilled out dog, we can take, leave at home or lend because she is so easy going.

My friend went for a lab puppy when her kids were probably 12 and 10, wrong time. What started as it will bring the family together, didn't. The kids were getting past the tight family unit stage. It was all down to her, I think it retriggered the baby hard years. They are now in a loop of dog sitters and walkers and it's not the same bond as either of my dogs. It's a pain to take away and impose on friends and they want to be enjoying kids at uni freedom.

I think you did the right thing and if you consider the age of your kids, maybe a dog is not necessarily part of their childhood. Enjoy the weekend without the full on consideration a puppy needs.

Hi @WileyCyrus I couldn't read your post and not comment. I hope you have a moment to read this and I hope it helps.
I am a vet. My husband is also a vet. We have horses and dogs and have bred a few litters of puppies over the years. My life pretty much revolves around animals (and our two DDs) but, without fail, every time I get a new puppy or a new horse, I feel the same as you at first. I feel a sense of regret, anxiety and a longing for the simpler life before we got them.
Over the years I have come to realise it's because, at first, I don't know the animal (their personality, quirks, likes and dislikes) and I don't have a particular bond with them - they are just "a dog" or "a horse" at first, and anything unexpected or undesirable that they do sets off an anxiety that they are going to be a problem (things I would just accept or ignore in an animal to whom I'm bonded and know well).
After a few weeks this passes, as I get to know them and become bonded to them and understand their personal quirks a bit more. I still go through this phase with a new pet, but I now recognise it for what it is, and I know it will pass.
I think it's a kind of "buyer's remorse" and it's always much worse if I have pushed to get the animal against the preference of my DH (such as him saying "we don't need another horse" ;)) as I then feel additional responsibility for everything going smoothly and a heightened anxiety around any issues or problems.
I haven't suffered from PND so I can't comment personally on that, but to me you sound like a very responsible, empathetic and sensitive person. The good news is that the baby phase is a lot shorter in dogs so the worst of it is over quite quickly (and you have the cuteness of a puppy to ease the pain). I'm not a collie owner but know many people who are and are thriving. I think you have the makings of an excellent dog owner (and sound like an excellent and caring mother too) and if you can persevere with this pup I think you will be just fine. You need support though, in whatever form that can be provided. I'm more than happy to be a shoulder to cry on, and a source of advice and encouragement if that helps.
For what it's worth, our older dog (now 6) is the kindest, gentlest and most loving dog in the world, but when she was a pup she was so bitey (play biting/mouthing) and her sharp teeth were so painful I found myself googling whether it was normal. And I have been a vet for over 20 years! I was messaging friends who had recently had puppies asking when it would stop and they all reassured me it passes, and it does! It had been 10 years since my last pup before that, and I think I had just forgotten.
If you do need to return the pup then that is fine (a pup from a litter we had around 12 years ago was returned after 1 day because the new owner - an experienced dog owner - had a crisis of confidence that he could manage her and a young toddler. We were absolutely fine about taking her back and she went on to a lovely home with someone who'd had a pup from one of our previous litters) but I have confidence that with the right support you will be just fine with this pup.

I’ve got to say I agree with this. I grew up with a border collie, they are bred to be working dogs not pets. I look back at our childhood dog (he actually lived for 17 years!) and I feel sad because he really struggled with being a “pet”, he clearly needed a job!

Just saw the update, sorry! Glad your happy with the decision - the puppy will be fine!