My dog is an absolutely useless protector

[Shuttupmeg]

Lighthearted!

Back door was open as it’s a lovely day so she can come and go into the garden.

I was sat in the living room, all of a sudden she comes in barking and looking panicked, obviously wanting me to follow her. She keeps looking down to the bottom of the garden, barking at me, I follow her and see it.

A black poo bag flapping around on a bush.

She is still scared and gets behind me and literally pushes me with her head towards it.

Yeah, thanks love! You see it as a threat and so you push your human towards it while you hide behind them 🤣

Utterly useless! She eventually worked out it was okay when I laughed and told to stop being a twat, she very gingerly walked up to it and gave it a prod and then was fine.

But now I have confirmation that my dog would chuck me under a bus at the slightest hint of danger!

18 month old golden retriever, cute, but would be no help in a crisis.

@BasiliskStareone of my dogs (who is actually an amazing protector of me) is terrified of the Mastermind music, so we have to mute it immediately otherwise he’s a drooling mess.

I have two bernese mountain dogs. The older one is on watch the whole time and barks furiously if anyone comes to the door. The younger one - who is 6, so not a youngster - is terrified! He does join in barking, but if older one isn't there he just freezes - not a peep!

lol love it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🫣 Wait until they stare at a corner of the room on a cold, dark night.

Mine makes me go out to the garden with her every time she needs a wee because there was a cat out there once, about six months ago.

Mine barks like mad when someone comes to the door which you might think was useful until you realise he's desperate to be lifted up (all 23kg of him) so he can lick the postman's nose. Things he has been scared by: bin bags; bicycles being pushed; umbrellas; headphones; Santa hats. Things he barks at because he wants to chase them: cats; swallows; puppies, the nobhead; and a poo bag in the next field he thought was a cat.

Pictured: nobhead. Not nearly enough pictures of dogs on this thread.

These are my girls, 50kg St Bernard, 3kg Yorkie.

Guess which one hides behind the other when a delivery arrives/a seagull is in the garden/a crisp packet is floating about?

The little one (Mavis) sees off the offending item then goes and licks the big ones (Betty) nose to reassure her all is fine.

My dog looks quite big and scary, but in reality she's scared of everything, the wind, the microwave, the hoover, doors opening and bottles. She is a rescue so who knows!

Mine is scared of a blue van that it parked about 200 metres down our road but only when we approach it from behind. 🤷‍♀️ she makes me go first which proves what a great protector she is and then she gets a biscuit for being brave 🐾

Mine is a big mixed breed mongrel She doesn't bark if someone comes to the door, just gets excited ir looks at us as if the say 'get it then!' She's frightened of umbrellas. Otherwise, has been known to retreat quickly from aggressive cats. She has a high prey drive, but didn't get the memo if a cat stands up to her.

Checking out the neighbourhood

I have a 47kg golden retriever who woofs at haystacks as they are very aggressive. Also scarecrows and gnomes.

I’m the luckiest DogMama on here as my Lord and Protector sees off any jackdaws flying 30 ft above the garden, howls like a wolf when the icecream van chimes play and lets me know if anyone walks past the house.

However if his ball or a toy goes under a chair or table, near the bin or, Heaven forfend, in the corner where the floor lamp is he cowers and cries and makes those big eyes until I save him!

He is a tower of strength if I ever get the ironing board out though! He barks and attacks it until I put it away again. You can’t ask for better support than that!

Ours is the same. Big lollopy black labrador. I reckon if someone tried to attack me he would just stand there wagging his tail.

I caught the grill pan alight once when grilling sausages. It was a good 2 years before my dog stopped scratching the door to be let out when I used the grill in future! Her attitude was clearly 'If you're really stupid enough to risk going up in flames, count me out of it!'

Our previous dog would sleep through any burglary unless the burglar dropped something on his head! 😴

Our current dog (see photo) barks when anyone knocks but would then proceed to lick and cuddle any incoming burglars. 🥰

We had a tradesman round today to put up a picture rail. I was being (fairly) vigilant at making sure DDog wasn’t in the room getting in their way.

At one point I couldn’t find DDog, so I checked in the room the tradesman was in only to find DDog leaning against him while tradesman was giving him all the claps telling him her was ‘such a lovely boy’ 🤣

This dog would welcome a man in a balaclava, wielding a machete, into the house 🙄

I lobbed a Bic at mine the other day because she was being a prat. Missed. She screamed like I’d murdered her. Utterly useless. 😂

My poodle was barking frantically tonight, as she peered out into the garden. I finally saw what she was barking at, as she stood behind me trembling, a tiny frog was on the patio.

My 2.5kg cat marched down the garden once and scared a Doberman that badly he flatly refused to walk past again. I felt like I had to apologise every time I saw the owner being dragged across to the other side of the road away from the scary cat

My goldendoodle only barks at people approaching the house when we’re in. No sound from her when we come back from wherever we’ve been!

During my teenage years we had a black lab who was the best dog ever until it came to snails, then it was every dog for himself and the humans were on their own as far as that lump was concerned.

Our previous dog, a 50kg bernese mountain dog, was terrified of feathers. He would refuse to budge if there was one on the path. He was also scared of kids in martial arts gear and, once, a man carrying a surf board!

I knew this post would be about a golden retriever as I recognised all the signs. They do a really good scared look and also a come and see it look and make it go away. Anything out of ordinary needs a wide berth. Someone left a giant teddy bear in a bag outside their house and she couldn’t go past it, even after it had gone the area was treated with suspicion and a rush past it mentality!

Things our pointer has been afraid of: cardboard boxes, any object he thinks might fall over, the primary school rabbits and tortoises, anyone with a small child on their shoulders. He's a weirdo!

Oh and cows. He's petrified of them. That seems slightly more understandable though, especially as he was chased by one once!