Nightmares about new dog

[sleepfortheweek]

We have a rescue dog, who we have had for nearly 12 years. She'll be 13/14 years old and we love her so much. She is the best dog ever, so calm and gentle, and is the perfect family dog.

I have always wanted another dog - but with two young kids it wasn't really an option and DH was always against it. Our dog is set in her ways now, she doesn't mind other dogs but I think she prefers her own company. She doesn't like it if dogs are too full on, and will tell them off, but happy to be near dogs otherwise.

Anyway, a dog came up recently on the rescue centre's Facebook page...he looks so similar to our dog and his story is almost identical. It really pulled at me, and for the first time ever DH said that he thought perhaps a second dog wasn't the worst idea now the kids are a bit older (10 and 7) and we should maybe meet him.

We met him twice, both times with our other dog and children. Both meets went well and dogs were off lead with few issues. The only things that happened which took me aback was the "new" dog jumped on our dog (both on leads at the time) with excitement and our dog barked at him. It took us by surprise as she never barks 🤣. No hackles or other aggression - I think she was just taken by surprise.

Our kids LOVED him. He was extremely playful and they loved playing fetch with him. DH was also besotted with him, and I'd be lying to say I didn't feel the same! He's a lovely dog, and I really think we can give him a good home.

But....

Since agreeing to take him home (which has been delayed by a couple of weeks due to him being poorly) I keep having horrible nightmares about the dogs being aggressive towards each other, and even random dogs in my dreams attacking me. I'm now so anxious that we are ruining our older dogs last years by introducing a younger bouncy dog (he's about 2). I have this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach...and I know it sounds ridiculous but it's the same kind of feeling I got when I was pregnant with DD2 thinking that we had ruined DD1s life 🙈🙈

If you could please flood me with positive stories about bringing a new dog into your home with an older dog I would love to hear them - then perhaps I'll have dreams tonight rather than nightmares!

Long post - Sorry!

She's ignoring all the posters saying not to do it of course. 🙄

trust your gut op

@sleepfortheweek why are you ignoring everyone making the valid point about your existing dog likely being really unhappy with the new arrival? Most posters have said don’t do it and prioritise your dog over your kids desire for a second pet but you appear to be ignoring them. Why?

When this all ends in tears, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

Why are you ignoring everyone making the valid point about your existing dog likely being really unhappy with the new arrival?

The OP doesn't owe anyone a response. And responding gets less and less worthwhile when posters make it clear that they are prepared to assume that an OP is parodically dumb and unreflective, and that they themselves have gallons more insight and detailed knowledge about the situation that the OP has outlined.

I have no idea whether this particular dog pairing will work out. In some situations it might work like a dream, in others it will be problematic. As MNers, all we can do in the absence of knowledge of all the real life details is post our own relevant experiences and trust the OP to assess them in the light of her own greater knowledge of the circumstances.

Why do so many threads get like this, with posters determined to make the OP out to be as wrong as possible just so they can experience themselves as the voice of righteousness?

I mean, I'm not sure I would respond to the more aggressive posts on here either.

A lot of people on here seem to be very invested in animal welfare but don't seem to care about upsetting a human.

@Anon1274, you are making a lot of assumptions here. You are assuming that if we get a new dog that we will love our other one less?

I can assure you that our dog lives a very pampered life and we are all BESOTTED with her.

@RedRumRed I was hoping for people who have maybe been through similar, and could share their experiences.

I wasn't expecting to be attacked, but then again it is Mumsnet so I'm not sure what else I was thinking 🤣.

Luckily, I posted on a different forum and had many people reply with constructive comments and shared their experiences which was much more helpful

Jeez people - we came to this decision as a family after thinking about it and considering it. It wasn't a decision made over night so I'm certainly not going to do a U-turn over night after some people people on Mnet told me to.

You don't know our current situation or set up, or our current dog (who despite her age isn't on her deaths bed as some have assumed).

I was hoping for responses from people who have been through similar.

However, some of the posts that aren't scathing or rude have been very helpful - so thank you to the minority.

We've got a lot to think about

I think it just depends a lot. We did the other way round and adopted an old girl (from a family member) when we had a young boisterous dog, and it was the best thing for the older dog. It gave her a new lease of life. She went from trudging around and sleeping the day away to trying to keep up with young dog on walks, they slept side by side, it was lovely. It made the last couple of years of her life much more active.

A lot of people overlap dogs like this, our younger dog is 11 (not that you'd know, she is still the same boisterous young dog!) and we are thinking about adding another in the next 18 months or so.

Dogs are pretty good at working out dynamics between themselves without us trying to add human emotions to it.

Only you know your dog and family setup, really. What I would do though is have a strategy for if it doesn't work out.

If you had these nightmares when you were pregnant with DC2 it sounds like it's just the way you process change. DC2 was a good idea and I'm sure this dog is too.

I do think the vast, vast majority of responses come from a good place, even if they do come across as being quite harsh at times.

There are many posters on here (myself included) who work with dogs and who therefore unfortunately see it going wrong more often than most.

Realistically at 14, your dog is in her twilight years so I do think it's important not to underestimate the impact of a rude, boisterous young dog in her safe space 24/7.

If the meeting between them had gone well I do think you'd be getting more positive responses, but your description of both their behaviour genuinely worries me. Yes, dogs communicate via snapping and snarling, but at 14 your old girl shouldn't be in a position where she feels she has to assert her boundaries and defend herself like that - it's not fair.

Add on the fact that at 14, she will be arthritic and likely losing her sight and hearing slightly, and you're potentially in quite dangerous territory - if the newbie catches her unaware and bounces on her, she could get both hurt and frightened.

Yes, you can separate and make sure they're never left unattended but realistically a young dog needs a lot of exercise and attention so you do need to think about what that means for your old girl and her quality of life etc.

I know it's not nice to read so much negativity but I think it's a subject a lot of us have experience with one way or another, and the idea of an elderly dog potentially being put in a vulnerable situation is understandably quite upsetting to many.

You don't know our current situation or set up, or our current dog (who despite her age isn't on her deaths bed as some have assumed).

In my experience old dogs don't go from perfectly ok to 'on their death bed'.
They suddenly or gradually slow right down. Ill health creeps or rushes in. Then you are left with a much less able dog who needs more rest, peace and quiet, medication, special food, different walks. The dog may have health issues, dementia that changes their behaviour, toileting issues etc that make it difficult to leave them. This stage can rumble on for years with a gentle decline but with the dog having a happy little life. It really changes your day, routine, life. I can't stress this enough, My life was on hold for two years before our dog's quality of life declined to a stage where the right thing was to put her quietly to sleep. I don't regret a moment of those happy, cosy little days with her but can't lie - it ate my life.

If that started to happen in a month's time - could you handle that with a boisterous new dog in the house?

I know you were looking for positive stories but isn't that just you trying to convince yourself that your gut feeling is wrong? I know you think people are being negative or rude, but I think lots of us have been through this and are trying to tell you how it can be.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Getting on with family dogs is different to living full time with a bouncy dog. It really isn’t fair on the old girl, I have 3 dogs, a 12 year old Labrador and two frenchies aged 8 and 7, I would never do it, your beautiful faithful dog has already told you she’s not comfortable with him, and you are having doubts for good reason. Don’t make the last years of her life a misery, it wouldn’t be fair, wait until she’s passed and when you’ve stopped grieving then look for a new pet and start a fresh.

It’s perfectly normal for dogs to find their pecking order. When a new dog came into our extended family, our dog gave it a telling off. I actually cried because I thought it was never going to work out. However, the dogs had sorted out what was what and it all turned out well.

I’ve responded once but wanted to let you know I’ve been through similar. My Labrador who is now 12 was 4 when the first Frenchie came, not planned, my daughter moved back home with him. She (Lab) wasn’t best pleased and tolerated him, she was still young and lively. He would bounce all over her like a loon. Now she is 12 and has really slowed down and wants a quiet life, I wouldn’t introduce another bouncy dog now she’s this age, it wouldn’t be fair and she wouldn’t cope. It was a nightmare when she was younger, but she had more energy then, there’s no way I’d do it to her now.

I know you’re looking for positive stories, but in my experience I wouldn’t do it.

Thank you - these responses are much more helpful.

The dogs have met twice, they have been off lead twice and absolutely fine. The younger dog was only interested in his toys and largely ignored our girl. At one point our dog actually tried to run and play with him which was nice to see.

The incident when she barked was when he first came out of his kennel and they were both on leads and he jumped with excitement. She barked and the younger dog backed right off.

It's hard to know what he will be like out of a kennel environment, but I think we can give him a very loving home.

If it doesn't work out, which I'm prepared to accept it won't, the rescue centre would take him back and rehome him. That wouldn't be fair on him really, so it's not something we would do unless we had to.

You're still not thinking about what's best for your old dog though are you?

@Thengetup you are only getting a small snippet of my thought processes, which are based on 12 years of knowing our dog as well as context, family situation, life commitments etc - so please don't assume I am not thinking about what's best. Surely that's why I started this thread, and I'm now in touch with a couple of people who have been through bringing a younger dog into the home with an older dog off the back of it, which has been a huge help.

I understand many will think it's a selfish thing to do - and maybe I would think the same if I read it without being in the situation myself. But there was also something in my gut and heart that drew me towards that dog in the first place, which I'm also finding hard to ignore.

Sorry but your 'gut' whatever ever the heck that means, is excited by the shiny new thing and not by putting your elderly dog first, I have an elderly dog, I wouldn't risk anything to unsettle or upset him in his final years.

My dog is a very similar age to your dog OP - she'll be 14 in April, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I were to bring another dog, of any age, into her home she's be heart broken.

She sleeps quite a bit now, being older, and enjoys her peace and quiet and my undivided attention.

She loves her walks and is very active for her age but will not tolerate boisterous behaviour from other dogs, and being sniffed by other dogs is an absolute no-no as far as she's concerned

Having the dog's meeting in a neutral setting is one thing, and a lot of older dogs would be okay with that, but bringing another adult dog into your old dog home takes it all to another level, a very unwise and unfair level in my opinion.

At least buy a buggy for the older dog, so she is not left at home when you all go out as a family for a nice new longer than usual walk - as there is a good chance she will not keep up !

It sounds like you're putting your feelings and 'heart' first, before the needs of your aging dog - that's quite selfish.

You'll do what you want, but keep in mind many very experienced posters have expressed valid concerns.

Let's hope it doesn't end terribly, with a fight, or a depressed aging dog. Surely as a rescue, they've been through enough.

She didn't say what breed it is, it might be a Great Dane...

For what it's worth OP I think it will be fine, it sounds like you're just anxious because it's a big impending change, I get the same

Do you have a trial with the dog to see how you get on?

"my thought processes, which are based on 12 years of knowing our dog"

I knew my dog for 11 years before she became 'old old'. She was a different pupper entirely with different needs in her dotage. I had to adapt to the new her and, whilst she was loving and gorgeous as ever, she was not the same.

I wouldn't have wanted to base any decisions regarding the new her on the robust, sparky, busy, confident her she'd been before she began her gentle and sometimes sharp change and decline.

Not trying to be difficult - but trying to be honest.