3 days in with puppy - feels like a huge mistake

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We have a new toy poodle. I grew up with dogs, including numerous puppies in that time (all labs) so not unfamiliar with dogs.

I appreciate we're only 3 days in so early days but I'm exhausted and panicking - it's like having a newborn. We've set up an area for him in the lounge with a baby pen, all cozy, mat, toys, water, astroturf/pee pad, beds and cage. He whines the minute anyone is out of the pen and starts flinging himself at the door. We have a 5 year old and an 8 year old so I can't be with him constantly.

The first night he wouldn't be left or go into his crate so I slept next to him in his bed. He spent most of it trying to get out of his bed and settle on my head or curled round my neck. Second night he mostly stayed in his bed but I had to keep settling him. Last night we were able to settle him in his bed in the crate and then I kept resettling him in the night. But in the days if we have to leave the pen for even a second he whines and whines and whines.

I'm really starting to panic. None of our family dogs were like this. I go back to work tomorrow. Only two days a week in the office and the rest from home. DP works from home full time. But we need to take the GCs to school. Eldest has autism and is really struggling. Only in two hours a day at the moment and very traumatic drop off with meltdowns. One of the reasons for getting a dog was to help with her anxiety. But now I don't see how we can manage kids, school, work, house with a dog that can't be left for a second without whining.

Can anyone reassure me that this will get better? Any ideas what else we can try? All the advice is to leave them for a minute while they aren't distressed and then return. But he's distressed immediately. Would we be better giving him full run of the lounge? Although then he keeps trying to jump on the sofas, which we're desperately trying to avoid. Take a few weeks holiday from work? Local dog behaviourist to help? I feel like I did when I had post natal depression, I'm so anxious, but at least I was on mat leave then!

I’d def try a hot water bottle in at night time as that replicates another warm body to sleep next time like they would have done as a litter

Is there anyway you can get an item if fabric with his mothers/siblings scent on? This with a hot water bottle will make him feel like he’s close to them. How old is he? These early days are tough as they acknowledge the separation and will be looking to you to fill that void

Sounds like you've got a giant guinea-pig with that set up!

Why isn't he allowed to follow you and potty train in the garden/explore the room/ sleep with you etc.

He's just left his mym and litter who he will have been sleeping with.

Poor thing doesn’t want to be by itself. It wants to be with it’s mother.

Sorry, to clarify - we have a blanket from the breeder with mum and siblings scent. Water bottle is a great idea. He potters with us from the lounge to the kitchen, not keen on the playroom yet. He's still weeing and pooing all over the place so we were keen not to have him in our bed. Is that what you meant, or just in the bedroom?

He potty trains in the garden with us too. He isn't by himself, he's with us constantly. Would the advice be to let him have the run of the house? We're just trying to follow the breeders advice with the set up she had.

Yes it does settle down in a month or two but then you get the teenage stage when they are pretty disruptive for a year or so.
If you are doubting this and it GENUINELY feels too much I’d return him or her to the breeder, that happens all the time and I wouldn't worry about it, better to reverse a mistake now when he or she can go to another home and make a connection early.

I don’t understand whether you’re saying he’s in the pen all the time? Why is this? He should only be in the pen at night or if you need to leave for a short period (very very short at this age). The rest of the time he should be exploring his environment. He’s a tiny baby.

I'll be honest we got a lab pup for our asd chid . I work part time and dh has option to work from home.

It was hard, the first couple months were like having a baby, constant toileting, he did a lot of mouthing and chewing. He needed a lot of attention which was tough as so did our son.

Then it got a little easier and we were working on training him. I could see light at the end of the tunnel. But then he got to about 7 months and adolescence kicked I. He started ignoring his training and became a nightmare to walk.

He's three now and I'd say the last year has been a lot easier . We have had two fog trainers and a behaviouralist to support with getting him trained. Also our son has zero interest in him.

I'd think carefully if you are in a position to care for a pup, train him, exercise him etc.

A small cage might help him feel safe at night you could try a ticking clock or hot water bottle near by.

I'd put him in pen to leave room if needed but rest of time does he have free rein to explore /be near you?

It’s very, very, early days, you need to be around puppy all the time to achieve proper toilet training and ditch the pads, that just confuses the puppy that it’s ok to go inside. Crate training is good, it took my puppy about 10 days before he was completely happy in there and to go in on his own and by 4 weeks old he slept through the night without taking him out for a toilet break. If you have a busy household, then it’s going to be hard getting into a routine with the dog, but this will help. Of course he’s going to whine when he’s away from his new family, he doesn’t know anything different yet and wants to be with you all, not stuck in playpen. Yes, they are just like having a baby to look after for the first few months, puppy training is hard and exhausting.

Remove the pee pads and astroturf to start with. That’s only encouraging him to toilet inside.

Outside, every half an hour with a command - e.g. ‘go wee’ (I use that for both!). Praise when he goes.

As a PP says, he needs to be able to explore his environment. Reinforced with the regular garden trips.

As for sleep….he’s just left mum and needs company. Can you put his crate in your bedroom for now?

It will take time. I have an 8 month old spaniel (and an older one who was like a first child dream) - pup thinks waking at 530am every day is perfectly acceptable, and it’s tiring. But she’s still a baby and learning, and it will get better. She says hopefully….

With respect OP, you don’t seem cut out to have a dog at all. Sounds like the pup is being a normal puppy to me, you’ve ripped the pup from his mother and your mum now.

Local dog behaviourist to help?- a puppy you’ve had 3 days? They’ll be happy to take your money I’m sure!

I had a month off when I got my Lab and he went to my mum’s every day after that. I work from home now, but would still take a few weeks off if I had a new puppy. Long term he may be a separation anxiety sufferer (my mum’s poodle was). I’m with idunno8- take him back NOW before he’s gets older and nobody wants him.

No, he's not in his pen all the time, we rarely have the door closed and we're in there with him. His pen is also nearly the size of the lounge. I'm wondering if taking it away altogether might be better.

Ah it's early days OP. But yes it's hard.

Poodles are so easy to train. We have a mini poodle.

I'd get rid of the toileting paraphernalia inside and take him out every 30 mins and after food. It's a ball ache I know. We trained ours to ring a bell by the back door to signal she wanted a wee. Really works well. It took her 3 weeks to learn to use them to signal. We took her paw and hit the bells every time we went outside and she worked it out.

We didn't have a pen set up but she was restricted to 2 rooms. As her toileting became good we slowly expanded the space.

Also we had her in a crate overnight. We came down to let her out during the night. Then when she managed to that time without an accident we came down 30 mins later for the next few nights etc etc. Took about 6 weeks to get her comfortably through the night.

She sleeps in our bedroom now. And she is really chilled.

It can be useful to have a penned area but you are his family and this house is his world. It’s very different to a breeder who is keeping multiple puppies for only a few weeks before they are shipped off elsewhere. I would only be using the pen if you go out to somewhere where you can’t take him with you (which realistically you won’t be able to do much for the next few months - forget things like family trips to the cinema/ meals out etc) and at night. The rest of the time he should just be pottering around the house. He will stick pretty close initially but once he gets bolder you’ll need eyes in the back of your head.

Please don't be mean. I do appreciate he's really young and just been taken from Mum. He's getting lots of love and snuggles and hugs. We're playing with him. We take him out in a the garden a lot (when it's light - he seems scared in the dark) and we say 'go wee wee'). It was the breeder who recommended the astroturf/pads by the back door so we're just following her advice.

Hi OP I know what you are going through. We had a puppy and the minute we got him home I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep him, it was such hard work and I felt so anxious all the time, after a week I felt as though I was having a breakdown!! Having a baby was a million times easier for me. We returned him to the breeder after a few weeks. With young children and a busy work like I couldn't cope with a puppy as well. Puppy was rehomed quickly.

Don't leave it alone. Let it follow you, wherever you go like a shadow

I think it's one of those things that you don't know how tricky it is until you do it. My mental health and keeping things on track for my kids etc was more important.

Just wanted to comment on the recollection (in your OP) that 'none of our family dogs were like this'.
It may be an inaccurate recollection as, in my experience, the difficult parts of dealing with a puppy loom hugely in the mind while they last, and then fade massively almost as soon as they are over - which creates the impression that the current puppy is much harder work than its predecessors.
When my current dog was still being housetrained for example, I couldn't believe how long it was taking and compared him with my previous dog who (it seemed to me) was trained in a flash. Now, looking back on current dog, it seems to me that he had it nailed in no time.
Perhaps it is also true that your labs weren't primarily your responsibility - that you were with your parents and they had most of the work? That, also, could create the illusion that all was joyful and simple. But even if that wasn't the situation, you are quite likely to have a slightly rose-tinted recollection.

This I can do.

They are lap dogs, but independent when they want to be. He wants to be with you always as they can get separation anxiety, and that’s a whole other problem.

That may be the case, yes, it felt like much more of a shared family responsibility rather than being 'Mum'. Taking him back isn't an option, he's already part of our family. I'm just panicking.

I think we'll take away the pen and puppy proof the lounge - let him pootle about with us. Take the crate to the bedroom - or have one in the lounge and one in the bedroom - would that work? Get a hot water bottle for him to sleep with. And I'll take some holiday from work for the next few weeks till we're in more of a routine.

This is a baby, whose life has been turned upside down. It's an entirely normal thing for one to be very clingy when settling in

3 days is unrealistically short a time to expect a new puppy to settle!

Things to try - have someone sleeping near the puppy every night for now (teenage DD did this for our current dog when she first arrived - several weeks sleeping on the sofa).

If you want to teach a puppy to be happily alone, then you need to start by leaving it alone for a v short period (could be less than a minute) then reappearing and rewarding. Then gradually extend how long you are away, aiming to return before the dog becomes stressed/upset/anxious. How long this takes depends on the dog's temperament.

Obviously if you just have to go out before that, you need to leave the dog somewhere that's safe with comfort objects, and deal with any consequences later (eg the dog is so upset that it sets back the training to be alone)

But most of all, don't worry. Puppies are hugely demanding, but it's only for a shortish time. The time and effort you spend in the early weeks has it's pay-off in the form of the adult dog companion of years to come

I genuinely found puppy state harder than a newborn because at least I could put a nappy on a newborn! Our dog was the cutest puppy but I found it so draining. I took a week off work as I was so tired and I think that helped a bit. We also bought a ticking clock as we read that replicated the mum’s heartbeat and played classic fm quietly all night which seemed to do that trick really quickly for our dog. I do sympathise as I remember being horrified at how hard I was finding it but it really did get easier quite quickly and obv a lot faster than the baby stage did. Good luck!