3 days in with puppy - feels like a huge mistake

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We have a new toy poodle. I grew up with dogs, including numerous puppies in that time (all labs) so not unfamiliar with dogs.

I appreciate we're only 3 days in so early days but I'm exhausted and panicking - it's like having a newborn. We've set up an area for him in the lounge with a baby pen, all cozy, mat, toys, water, astroturf/pee pad, beds and cage. He whines the minute anyone is out of the pen and starts flinging himself at the door. We have a 5 year old and an 8 year old so I can't be with him constantly.

The first night he wouldn't be left or go into his crate so I slept next to him in his bed. He spent most of it trying to get out of his bed and settle on my head or curled round my neck. Second night he mostly stayed in his bed but I had to keep settling him. Last night we were able to settle him in his bed in the crate and then I kept resettling him in the night. But in the days if we have to leave the pen for even a second he whines and whines and whines.

I'm really starting to panic. None of our family dogs were like this. I go back to work tomorrow. Only two days a week in the office and the rest from home. DP works from home full time. But we need to take the GCs to school. Eldest has autism and is really struggling. Only in two hours a day at the moment and very traumatic drop off with meltdowns. One of the reasons for getting a dog was to help with her anxiety. But now I don't see how we can manage kids, school, work, house with a dog that can't be left for a second without whining.

Can anyone reassure me that this will get better? Any ideas what else we can try? All the advice is to leave them for a minute while they aren't distressed and then return. But he's distressed immediately. Would we be better giving him full run of the lounge? Although then he keeps trying to jump on the sofas, which we're desperately trying to avoid. Take a few weeks holiday from work? Local dog behaviourist to help? I feel like I did when I had post natal depression, I'm so anxious, but at least I was on mat leave then!

I don't agree. Our pen is large, so it really just protected DD2's belongings. Puppy could still walk around in it freely, play with toys, etc.

A pen and a crate are totally different things.

We went through this with all our puppies, it's very common. They're tiny and confused so they need proximity like babies do.

It's really early days and it's really hard but it's worth it. You do have to put the work in though and it is like having a newborn in lots of ways.

We also both took annual leave so one of us was home and available for at least the first 3/4 weeks. We'd planned our leave for the year to be able to do this.

That meant we could deal with any tricky nights without stressing about being up for work and we could also try and get toilet training properly going.

We used puppy pads the first couple of times but not sure I would again. We also tried bells by the back door but that was a fucking disaster and just taught her to throw herself at the door whenever she wanted to go out. 🙄

I've never used a pen, we just let them follow us around downstairs at least. They're our little shadows at the start then they suss out where and when they like to sleep, play etc

We had a stairgate at the top and bottom as puppies shouldn't be using stairs and we carried them up and down. Dogs and puppies sleep on a bed in our room but they can come up on the bed if they want to but again shouldn't be jumping on and off furniture as it's not good for their joints.

Look I don’t normally engage with the anti-crate/my-bed-is-dog’s-bed Mumsnet sentiment but for neuro atypical people, control and routine is important. If that means that the dog is overnight in a large crate or small room alone from 11-6am and that predictability and routine helps the individuals in the home who struggle otherwise, I think it’s okay.
If you’re fostering support dogs, some centres specify no bed sharing.
We need to be practical at the end of the day.
edit - I personally only have experience of the advice from one centre so added the “some” qualifier.

They're not the same at all. Crate training isn't essential but it's really useful and most dogs love it and it's really useful if you have to leave them for a bit, going on holiday, going to the vet, travelling in the car.

OP, this is all entirely normal. I'm 4 weeks ahead of you. When I brought her home, I could not be more than 3 feet away from the puppy without meltdown. Now, at 13 weeks, she's happily puttering round the garden with the big dogs whilst I have a lie in catch up on work.

It's really hard, but it gets better quite quickly.

It is a shock at first. And it is like having anew born BUT it doesn’t last nearly as long as the new born phase. We get the same with our first dog, but after a couple of weeks she was all settled.

It's puppy blues! Our puppy is 20 weeks old and I'd say we came through the other side about 3 weeks ago!

It's so hard, we have an older dog but had somehow forgotten the puppy period or maybe it wasn't as bad with our other dog.

Some things we have tried that helped:

Adaptil junior collar and Adaptil calm plug in, they both release pheromones which would usually come from the mum and made a huge difference to how well our pup would settle, I'd say it kicks in from about day 3 and honestly it's been a huge difference.

Are you using puppy pads? I wouldnt bother just constantly take outside and praise/treat, toilet training is 95% there with us now and she goes outside.

Good luck it will get easier and it all starts to slot into space it's just a big shock to the system at first and I agree it's exactly like having a newborn!

Wear him 🙂 Get yourself a dog sling and over time he’ll become more confident to be on his own. They just do IF they get the reassurance early on that you’re there for them. Mine would only sleep on me for weeks then she gradually moved away. My OH WFH with her on his lap, then bed on the floor and now she’s in a different room. All her choice.

Thanks so much for the reassurance and advice. Honestly. It has really helped to hear people have come out the other side!

If I had a pound for every puppy blues thread on here over the years I'd have nice amount of premium bonds squirelled away by now. I know from friends with dogs that it's not fun.
I've never had a dog but I bet this stage is a distant memory by Easter. Hang in there.

You can do it, OP!!!

Our lab is now 7. He was our very first dog ever, and the puppy phase was worse

than having a newborn, we were exhausted.

Continue doing what you're doing with toilet training him, and concentrate on falling in love with him.

It's the love that compensates for all the sleepless nights/chewed furniture/sharp puppy nips that will likely come before you come out the other side.

You're 3 days in and have already seen improvements in his sleeping. Give him a chance.

The rule of 3 applies to adopting a dog

3 days for the dog to decompress
3 weeks to learn your routine
3 months to truly feel at home

Our first slept in a crate next to the bed until he was 5 months old then had the downstairs because he stopped chewing and we could trust him. Then i got our second who was already 1.5 yrs old.

Now I have a 14 week old who refused to sleep in the bloody crate, and who refused to be in the kitchen and howls and cries. So he ended up sleeping in our bed for a few week's, and is allowed free reign of the downstairs with the other dog's. He now sleeps down there with them too. My point is we did everything exactly the same, just different temperaments. Do what feels best for you. Just puppy proof and accept he will have accidents he's still learning.

If your husband is working from home could you set up a little bed next to him so he could sleep by him whilst he's working?

Hi. I've not read the whole thread but I would highly recommend the book Easy Peasy Puppy Squeezy. I felt incredibly overwhelmed when we got our puppy and regretted it. But we did lots of training and now I wouldn't be without her.