3 days in with puppy - feels like a huge mistake

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We have a new toy poodle. I grew up with dogs, including numerous puppies in that time (all labs) so not unfamiliar with dogs.

I appreciate we're only 3 days in so early days but I'm exhausted and panicking - it's like having a newborn. We've set up an area for him in the lounge with a baby pen, all cozy, mat, toys, water, astroturf/pee pad, beds and cage. He whines the minute anyone is out of the pen and starts flinging himself at the door. We have a 5 year old and an 8 year old so I can't be with him constantly.

The first night he wouldn't be left or go into his crate so I slept next to him in his bed. He spent most of it trying to get out of his bed and settle on my head or curled round my neck. Second night he mostly stayed in his bed but I had to keep settling him. Last night we were able to settle him in his bed in the crate and then I kept resettling him in the night. But in the days if we have to leave the pen for even a second he whines and whines and whines.

I'm really starting to panic. None of our family dogs were like this. I go back to work tomorrow. Only two days a week in the office and the rest from home. DP works from home full time. But we need to take the GCs to school. Eldest has autism and is really struggling. Only in two hours a day at the moment and very traumatic drop off with meltdowns. One of the reasons for getting a dog was to help with her anxiety. But now I don't see how we can manage kids, school, work, house with a dog that can't be left for a second without whining.

Can anyone reassure me that this will get better? Any ideas what else we can try? All the advice is to leave them for a minute while they aren't distressed and then return. But he's distressed immediately. Would we be better giving him full run of the lounge? Although then he keeps trying to jump on the sofas, which we're desperately trying to avoid. Take a few weeks holiday from work? Local dog behaviourist to help? I feel like I did when I had post natal depression, I'm so anxious, but at least I was on mat leave then!

It’s cold at night currently, keeping puppy warm will help, blanket over crate, warm hottie, my dog started off in a crate, she now starts off at the end of our bed(small dog), if it’s warm at night she stays there, if she gets cold, at some point she makes her way up for body warmth. She’s supposed to be a hardy terrier.

@StepAwayFromGoogling
I think you’ve made the right decision in letting him sleep in your bedroom, and getting rid of the pen. @kiwiaddict is right. He just wants to be with you ALL the time. I’ve got a 3 month old lab, my second, and I’m sleeping on a mattress in the kitchen with her, as she still is not brilliant at lasting the night without an accident.
She’s adorable, but bloody hard work.
You will get there. And he will give you all so much joy, it’s worth all the pain.

@StepAwayFromGoogling "For the first week, did you close the door to the crate?"

Yes i did. Otherwise there no way he would have stayed in there! I slept on the sofa in the room and when he cried I put my pillow on the (hard wood cold uncomfortable) floor next to his crate and lay there until he settled, for about ten minutes longer once he had settled, before moving back to sofa. Really important not to interact at night though, they're clever little things, they quickly will learn that if they cry you will play with them, hence, lay next to him for his comfort but don't let him 'win' by getting the play time he wants in the middle of the night.

Basically accept that for the next two weeks you're going to be uncomfortable and exhausted, but for the long term gain it's worth it!!

Dont spend lots of money on gadgets. I got a soft carrier for my pup, placed it next to my bed, slept with my hand in there basically. After a few days i left the front open so she could go and wee if she needed to, i left a puppy pad at the back door. A week or so after that she was in my bed. I never crated her, never had puppy classes. She's a happy, well behaved 3 ye old now who's currently snuggled next to me in bed.

Don't over think it with the gadgets. Think of it as a tiny baby who just wants to snuggle with you all the time and just treat it accordingly.

Also and I mean this kindly, but everyone knows puppies are very similar to babies in terms of needs so I'm not sure why you're surprised. However if it is causing you this much stress after three days I would return to breeder now and maybe wait until the children are a bit older. Fwiw though I had a puppy pouch and took the dog on all the school runs.

Can also recommend the easy peesey puppy squeezey book.

We also got the heartbeat toy which he did seem to like but, as stated previously, he was a chewer, he destroyed it with two weeks!!

Honestly it gets so much easier over time.

By night two I gave up on the crate with mine and just let him sleep in our bed. I also had a pen and gave up on that as well, and just let him follow us around - keeping him in the kitchen if we went out (not that we did this often).

It literally is like having a newborn with teeth and without nappies for a while but it does get easier.

Is your puppy getting enough sleep? We do have a pen for ours mostly to enforce naps and protect her from the children, but didn’t set it up until she was settled in and secure. The first few days were a total write off for routine or anything, just cuddles, sniffing and running to the garden.

I'm just going to echo everyone else, but the early puppy days are really hard. I found them harder than newborn days. Especially at this time of year when it's so dark outside and you're trying to see if they've had a wee or not. I really struggled. Our dog is now 3 and brings so much joy to our house.

Will also recommend the Easy Peasy Puppy Squeezy book and the FB group Dog Training Advice and Support.

Great advice above OP. Unfortunately you have unrealistic expectations of a young pup, they really do need a lot of company and guidance at first. I would absolutely crate train as it will be invaluable in later life. Also make sure you do everything consistently and on a schedule if you can as this really helps. E.g. play time is between X and X and after that it's 2 hours of settling. Actively teach a settle too, it's invaluable for us. Definitely ditch the puppy pads, they usually get toilet training quickly.

I would follow and read the guides on Dog Training Advice and Support (make sure you join the right group. Again consistency and clarity is really important with training. This group will help with everything over the next few months.

Good luck!

We did use a crate, but we started really slowly, in the day time, doing positive conditioning. So reward for going into the crate without shutting the door. Then, when really comfy doing that over and over again, shut the door for literally a second, and treat. Then build up the time with 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 30 seconds, 1 minute, 2 minutes, etc.

We used the crate at night, and have a pen around it, in DD2's room. For the first couple of months I slept downstairs on the sofa and did two toilet breaks per night at first. That reduced to one, then I started to sleep upstairs again.

When she was 3½ months old, we started leaving the crate door open so she could go into the pen if she wanted to.

When she was 4 months old, we started letting her sleep on DD2's bed.

Now, our puppy is 5 months old. She has free roam of downstairs if we're there. If we need her contained, she happily goes in her pen or her crate (we don't shut the door now). She sleeps on DD2's bed but also has a bed beside her bed if she gets too hot.

She learned to use the cat flap fairly early on, so toilets herself (she's getting too big now (lab) so we will need to get a dog flap). She has a fenced gravel patch that she uses for poos. Wees tend to be a mixture of garden and patch.

Decide your house rules, be consistent, and the puppy will learn quickly.

Poor little thing is missing the family he came from - personally I'd keep the dog with me as he's probably scared and needs a person to
Bond with. Funnily enough our puppy literally left her puppy pals and didn't look back once lol ... but like children, it's the luck of the draw
Good luck !

Thank you, everyone, really do appreciate it. All this is great advice.

I see you have a child with ASD. My personal view is that in this scenario, the dog has to fit in with the family and not the other way around.
It is a disturbing time for an autistic kid - there is unpredictability and a lack of control that triggers them. We came up with “rules” - the dog stayed downstairs, he slept in a crate and didn’t go on the sofa without someone. This helped my DC a lot as they knew where the dog would be and wouldn’t be. My dog toilet trained quickly so we were lucky as that was the hardest part for the child in question. Some of those rules relaxed (dog owns sofa now!) but many have stayed because it helps my child.
But it has been a brilliant addition to the family and particularly the above child. Every photo has the dog in it, they bring friends home to meet the dog, they are definitely less phobic about dirt and mess etc.

Hang in there and make sure your DH is up for it as he’s doing to carry the load now when you go back to work.

Lots of great advice above OP. We brought our lab home in Nov 22 and I remember several times I would sit at the bottom of the stairs crying because he wouldn't stop whining/barking/mouthing. He also woke up at 5/6am and that would be it for the day, whining until we let him out of his crate. On more than one occasion we questioned our decision.
It did take time but now he's the best, couldn't imagine not having him around. He rarely barks, will whine if he wants attention but we walk out of the room and he's realising he can't do that now, and we went from months of 5am wake ups to suddenly him sleeping from 8pm to 8am. I think he just grew up and could hold his bladder for longer.
We found McCann dog training videos on YouTube really helpful for the first few weeks, they have hundreds of videos and we used a lot of their advice and techniques. We still use their videos now to work on recall and lead walking!
Stick with it, it does get better! And we learnt it's okay to say it's harder than you were expecting!!

It is very very early days, OP. Don't panic!

Agree with those saying to downscale the pen. They are useful for safety, if you have to leave the pup unattended while you're upstairs, or whatever, but the pup should be out and about 90% of the time.

Try a heartbeat teddy- my cavapoo loved that when she was a pup- it has a heartbeat the mimics its mother's. Don't use pee pads- they just delay potty training. You'll have to take him out every two hours or so and give lots of praise, also associate a word like "hurry up" or "wee wee" with him going to the toilet when he wees and poos. I don't think there is any way around it being massively hard work in the beginning- it just is. I was utterly exhausted for the first 4 months or so but then suddenly it clicked and she got it. Once she got to about 6 months it became super easy and she's now 2 and is the most chilled dog ever- she's good as gold and that is because of all the work we put in, in the beginning. I empathise but keep going- it won't be like this forever.

Thank you. This is what we're hoping for.

If I get a pup I pay for it but ask the breeder to keep it until it is 12 weeks old. That way it's weaned fully from its mum and is used to sleeping alone but in a secure environment. Nothing wrong with you seeing if the breeder will take it back til then.

Also with the night crate, cover it with a blanket. They like being in a 'cave'.

Line it with newspaper, bed at one end and every morning if it has wee'd in the crate clean it out with the pup seeing you do so. This replicates them seeing their mother cleaning up and it encourages them to think bed space is not for toileting. Don't use puppy pads.

It's very odd to keep him in a pen when you are home. As a pp said he should be walking about with you all. Of course he is whining. Newspaper down on kitchen floor all over, in case of accidents. Take him into garden in morning evening and after meals. Reduce paper towards back door after a few weeks. Eventually he will just go to back door when he needs to go out and you just take him out.
Puppies are not hard. They just want to be with you, be warm and fed and clean.

Forgot to add that Kikopup on YouTube is amazing. Just the best trainer. Please look her up, particularly for teaching a calm settle and recall.

For training if you do one thing, please prioritise recall. It is so important for the safety of your dog and others. I have a reactive dog and it is so hard when he gets hassled by other dogs.

This is my dog doing a calm settle in the chip shop. And yes, he did get a sausage after dinner!

Stick with it. There is clearly a lot of love there for the dog. It does take quite a few months for things to settle down and you probably won't be able to leave the dog home alone at all for the first few weeks but it's definitely worth making the dog feel secure first rather than start training it to be on its own. Maybe once it's been with you for a month you can start leaving it for a few minutes and then build it up over time. It took over 2 years for me to be able to leave my dog for 3-4 hours and the longest he's ever been left alone is 5 hours.

You just have to view him as newborn baby that is mobile. He misses him mum and litter mates. He has no idea where he is or if it's safe yet. He doesn't want to be left alone.

It's really worth it though and you and your family will have many, many happy moments with the dog in due course. Just need to get through this stage and raise a happy and stable dog first.

Pen or crate are just different names for a cage. Get rid of the cage for starters.

I agree with @Falkenburg . There is a reason why caging/crating dogs is illegal in many countries

Pen can mean play pen. OP says hers is about the size of a room, so that's what I thought she meant. She's already said she's taking it away