Getting a dog when 'not a dog person' - advice needed

[Threesoundslikealot]

Please be gentle! No decisions at all have been made yet and I'll be reading and taking in advice on here, not ignoring it I promise. This may be a long post to capture everything that might matter.

I've got two children with autism. One is absolutely desperate for dog, and has been for years now. We have never had dogs, our lifestyle hasn't worked for one, and we've said no every single time. We've had cats, much loved, and have just one left now after losing others to old age. Our other autistic child adores the cats and is slightly nervous of dogs in general, but not to the point that he wouldn't be happy with one he knew well. He generally loves animals.

Things are changing. We will be moving next year to somewhere far more dog friendly (more rural, large garden, bigger house in general). Like many people, we are at home a lot more than before, and I will be working wholly from home once we move. Our children are getting older - the youngest will be seven by the time we move. I have read a LOT of things about the emotional benefit of dog ownership to autistic children and my daughter is really struggling to connect with others, to a painful point. She is overeating and walking a dog would be a good way of building exercise into an otherwise very screen-focused existence. BUT we are just not dog people, and I have seen how frequently people regret getting dogs. I do like individual dogs owned by friends, but have never had the urge to own one.

Given the kids and the cat my understanding is that we would be very unlikely to find the right rescue dog, so we'd be looking at buying a puppy.

The alternative, which I'm very drawn to, is a Borrow My Doggy type thing, but my daughter is pleading for her own dog.

We have enough money to train and insure a dog, and are diligent sorts who would make sure it was well taken care of day to day. I really hate the idea of drool but know there are breeds that don't do this as much. Fur I can cope with, in moderation, so again, choosing the right breed is important.

In terms of general life upheaval, we lead a fairly non-spontaneous life in general. We do go on holiday a couple of times a year - I'd happily use kennels (speaking hypothetically - I see lots of dog owners are very against them). Otherwise we go on short trips that could probably include a dog. We could probably also find friends happy to dog sit if not frequently asked. I would find it hard though not to be able to be out all day.

Pros:

• emotional and physical benefit for kids (and this one probably counts for about ten bullet points)
• I quite like the idea of being forced out for walks too, as I tend to laziness and need more exercise
• many positive stories from friends with dogs about how great they are in the family

Cons:

• changes our lives - however little we live crazy lives, we don't have the limitation of a dog right now
• puppy like having a baby - sounds exhausting
• clueless, frankly, as reading about the necessary stuff doesn't equal experience
• cost
• cat may hate us forever

Writing it all out, it seems like total madness to even contemplate getting a dog. But if I can make my daughter's life even slightly better, is this something we can do without total disaster ensuing?

Honestly, if you're not 100% on board, don't get a dog. They are a huge commitment and your DD is not going to be the one doing all the walks, training, poo picking and dealing with all the costs and responsibilities - you are, and it's going to be that way for the next 15-16 years of your life.

So, you really need to think about the following:

• walks are great when it's blue skies and sunshine, but will you be just as willing when the rain is horizontal and it's 5 degrees outside?
• what will you do with the dog when you want to go somewhere that's not dog-friendly, or want to go on a non-dog friendly day out?
• will your DC be able to cope with the mouthing (biting), the drool, the hair, the jumping and the nipping?
• how will WFH work with a small puppy? Do you work a job where you can drop everything to stop the dog peeing on the floor or eating your shoes or chewing through a cable?

You don't sound like you're on board with the idea, really. Dogs are far more tying than you realise - they're more of a lifestyle than a pet, really.

I'd only disagree with you on my not understanding the impact of a dog! That's why I'm so very unsure about getting one.

Although I have thought about some of your points -

Not bothered about walking the dog in bad weather. I positively enjoy walking in the rain. The walking element of the dog is the one bit I do not worry about at all.

Job is flexible enough that dashing off to rescue items wouldn't get me into trouble.

The day out thing really bothers me. If planned ahead, it might be doable with dogsitters or similar, but obviously couldn't just be late back. I see this all the time with friends with dogs.

The kids would PROBABLY be OK with most elements of puppydom. But no guarantees. I'm not sure I am!

You hate drool, hate fur, you aren’t a dog person, ok…..

I think you HAVE to try something like borrow my doggy first, see if you can cope with a dog. They’re hard work, sleepless nights, you might end up hating/resenting the dog or at least just tolerating it rather than loving it.

Puppies bite and chew, poo and pee, occasionally vomit is everyone going to be ok with that….

If you are not a doggy person don't do it.. I have rehomed my 8mnth old puppy as I thought I could cope with a puppy as I work from home and could be there.. nope .. if I was in the room working he would constantly jump up and nip me to play and he'd do this for hours .. he destroyed my house and trying to arrange to do anything was a nightmare as had to find kennels/ doggy daycare .. what I didn't appreciate was the amount of mental stress it gives you .. the only positive was walking him and it got me out of the house and cleared some stress.. he has now gone to my cousins who is a totally doggy person and he's thriving he's calming down as they are actually there for him not just present in the vicinity.. I hated having to rehome him as we'd done all the research and I work from home regardless of Covid so wasn't a lockdown purchase .. but for my sanity he needed a new home and he will be / is so much happier now.

The day out thing really bothers me. If planned ahead, it might be doable with dogsitters or similar, but obviously couldn't just be late back. I see this all the time with friends with dogs.

The thing is with planning ahead, is most of your family days out will be at the weekend and dogsitters get booked up months in advance. I am one and I've just taken a weekend booking for June of next year!

Like PP said, you can't avoid the muckiness of dog ownership. Walking in the rain might sound nice now, but it means your dog comes home soaking and absolutely filthy, and so do you. Most dogs need more than a pavement walk so you end up trampling in muddy fields or woods instead.

I'm a dog walker and in winter I need several sets of waterproofs as they don't always dry out overnight. I regularly come home from work absolutely caked in mud, hair, drool etc! Which is fine as it's my job and I love what I do, but if you're not keen it's a real downside for many.

Never get a dog for a dc - they are pretty hard work for the first 2 years (were 15 months in and he’s fab, I love him but he’s still a bit of a dick sometimes). The first 10 months in particular was a rollercoaster and dh was amazing at training. My dc are 10 and 13 now and fairly easy dc so I can’t imagine dealing with a dog and autistic dc.

I foster puppies for a rescue, and several of 'my' pups have gone to families with dc on the spectrum. It is really, really, hard. Puppies are cute little prats who are all cuddly one minute and then playing wall of death round the sitting room and chewing your lego/ shoes/ prized items the next. Most of all they are unpredictable, jump up till they know not to do so, lick you, bark or howl, drop hair, have stinky toys etc etc - which may not be a problem for some, but is for others.
With a puppy you have months when you can't leave them for long at all which is a massive tie. And some puppies will find being left even harder and will take a long time to get to even an hour being left.

I love dogs
I have always loved dogs
I regularly looked after other people’s dogs
I regretted getting my dog

I would suggest it’s not a good idea unless you really want one, I would also be concerned about how your dc will adapt. My NT dog loving dc wanted to send our puppy back regularly

Please be aware that any dog might struggle with behaviours that come with ASD.
Loud noise, sudden movements etc, many dogs will struggle with this.

I have a son with ASD and so many people think a dog will help him.

We have 2 dogs, he always wanted dogs.

However, he hates them. The noise when they bark, smell when toilet training and just general dog smells, is a massive struggle for him.

Not a dog lover here although I didn't realise how much they irritated me until I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend who has one - we don't live together and no plans to. They get under your feet, stink the house out, malt everywhere, beg for food, beg for attention. The barking. The drool. They constantly try and invade your personal space. You can't have a lie in, you can't have so much as a day out if you can't take it with you. Picking up shit. Cleaning up mud off the floor.

If you can't take all of this on and happily so - don't do it.

It's a huge commitment.
I love my 11mo cocker to bits - but he is currently unwell (& has been for nearly 2 months - he has IMPA and the treatment - high dose steroids - brings with it a lot of side effects).
I needed to love him that much to cope with standing outside while he poos every couple of hours throughout the night or mopping up diarrhoea at 6am. He's on limited on-lead exercise, so I have a farting, thieving adolescent dog bouncing around my house and wanting to eat everything...
My life currently revolves around making puzzles toys, boiling chicken & rice, & cleaning up poop, with no lovely long rambling walks to balance it out.
This is not the case for everyone - I'm very aware we have drawn the short straw - but it's worth considering how you would manage that if you aren't keen on having a dog to begin with.

Definitely have a look at Borrowmydoggy or Cinammon Trust which I think looks for people to walk elderly folks dogs.

We are dog owners ( DHs idea) and we have some lovely folk through borrowmydoggy. I often wish I was on the other side of the arrangement and got to walk and look after a dog occasionally, without all the expense and restrictions of owning one.

I would try to find a dog to walk through borrowmydoggy and see how it goes with your DD.

I have an autistic son. Puppies are very hard work for kids who have sensory issues. They jump and they bite - hard! I think you'd be perfect for an older dog that's reasonably well trained. A lot of breeders will keep a show prospect puppy only to find out it's not the right look/size/whatever and then that dog needs a home. You'd have to be patient and get to know several breeders. I would aim for a well bred show Labrador that's been raised with cats.

If you want to try a puppy then I'd take your kids near lots of 16 week - 10 month old puppies. That's really the hardest bit. Lots of destroyed stuff like toys etc. Lots of pee and poo on the floor. Lots of teething and learning not to mouth.

If you do get a dog I'd use a gate across the stairs to give the kids and the car somewhere to go if they feel overwhelmed.

In all honesty I think this is a terrible idea, I love dogs, had dogs all my life and I swear our last puppy nearly pushed me over the edge.

He chewed the skirting boards, ripped up carpet, has eaten a chunk out of the sofa - no matter what anyone says it’s impossible to watch a puppy 247…

This week he ate a tub of chewing gum, we had to rush him to vet A&E and spend all evening there - how would you many something like that with your dc in tow? (Your dog may not be as stupid as mine, but don’t bet on it!)

You could look up Cinamon Trust, brilliant charity who support elderly and disabled dog owners by matching dog walkers to people who struggle to walk their dogs in your area.

It’d be a great way of getting the nice walks and connection with a dog without the stress and commitment.

What is your dd like and how old is she? I know some autistic people can be unusually good with animals even the annoying landshark that is a puppy. On the other hand my autistic nephew hates fur and germs so is not at all keen on pets. But if your dd is exceptionally good with animals and reliable she might be able to take on more of the puppy care than you would expect from someone her age. Of course you will still have to look after the puppy when she is at school and so on but she could do a lot if she is that way inclined.

I am a dog lover and have owned dogs most of my life. It is a lifestyle choice. A dog is a permanent toddler. It will always need to be looked after and planned around. On my last holiday, I spent more money on our dog's boarding than on the holiday itself. I don't mind this, but many people would balk at that. When my prior dog was old, she developed diabetes and went blind and developed urinary incontinence. The dear creature would not be trained to use an indoor potty (she had been well trained to potty outside and was vehemently against dogs peeing indoors, but she just couldn't hold it anymore), so she spent the last YEAR AMD A HALF of her life getting insulin shots every 12 hours (on the dot!), wearing diapers, and wearing a halo harness to prevent her from running into walls. Loud noises would startle her. It was very sad and so much work. I admit that the love she gave me could never be repaid by any amount of work on our part, but taking on a dog is to be responsible for their welfare every day for many years, through the infuriating puppy years, the routine of midlife, and the heartbreak and hard work of old age. It isn't enough to be in the same room with them, you need to be present in their lives and they need to be a central part of yours. When a human is up to the task, it is extremely rewarding. When they are not, it is terrible for everyone, mostly for the innocent dog.

I think find a breed that has the general characteristics you like, then look for a rescue and get an older dog. The rescue should be able to help you find the right dog for your set up I.e. Good with cats and children.

Your situation sounds similar to ours. My autistic son was obsessed with cats so, even though neither me nor my husband particularly like them, we got one. BIG mistake!!

We had visions of the cat being the answer to all my son's issues, him coming home from school and chilling with the cat to help him calm down, the cat snuggling on his lap to help him de-stress. The cat was not a lap cat at all and was very jumpy - not the calming influence we were hoping for! My son soon lost interest (apparently Minecraft is more exciting than a cat) and the cat was not at all interested in him.

The poor cat drove my husband crazy and was always damaging the carpet and furniture and weeing everywhere she shouldn't. We moved house a couple of years ago and the cat ran away. When we told the children they just shrugged and haven't mentioned the cat since!

I feel really bad that we got her. She was fed and looked after but in the end no one really wanted her. She wasn't really a people cat but I do hope she found a home where she was truly loved and wanted. That poor cat. My biggest regret

Oh, and my youngest has recently become obsessed with dogs and has asked if he can have one. I said "yes .... you can get one .... once you've left home!"

Have you tried getting your dog loving daughter into riding @Threesoundslikealot , if you find the right stables it could in the future give your daughter another social outlet as well as the exercise side of things . Horses make great listeners and are brilliant for children with confidence / esteem issues . Personally I wouldn’t get a dog until your children are a bit older and past the stage where you want to do days out that don’t involve a dog .

Thanks for all these comments, many of which are confirming my own gut feeling that broadly suitable life conditions do not remove all the issues that dog ownership brings!

My own slightly ASD trait of wanting to be precise does force me to say in response to a couple of posts that I really, really don’t mind rain, mud etc. I could cope with muddy dog. Also a reasonable amount of hair is fine - just don’t want a very sheddy one. Neither of my children is massively tricky with sensory stuff or bothered by unpredictable things as much as you might expect, but I can’t say they might not provide an element of surprise for a poor puppy.

Otherwise pretty much all your points feel very valid, and thank you for the shared experiences. I am thinking a combination of Borrow My Doggy and riding would be a first way in at least. My daughter is very good with dogs - far more of a natural than her parents - and may well get one of her own when she can.

Don’t get a dog. My Dh had two when I met him and I really resent cleaning up after them. I’m
a cat person. Dogs are so much trouble. They chew stuff, eat things they shouldn’t, smell, poo about twenty times a day, shed hair, howl and bark, need grooming, walking and they’re always hanging around begging for food. Obviously some are better trained and if you love them I imagine it’s like kids you don’t resent all the negative stuff but if you’re not really a doggy person it’s a highway to hell IMO

I massively regretted getting our dog, but still had to love him and look after him properly for the next 10 plus years.

I think it would have been easier with a different dog though. Ours was a rescue and he never learnt to play, he shed loads of hair and wasn't a dog you could take to places with lots of dogs. If we'd had a friendly, non-shedding dog those 10 plus years would have been easier.

So, I don't think you should rule having a dog out but you need to do a lot more research, offer to dog sit for friends, pick the right breed and pay for training.

Woah! Such negative stories about getting a dog. I am totally going to put myself in the firing line and give another perspective - our dog is not that much bother at all.

He is a beautiful rescue jack russel/ border collie cross. So gentle and easy going. Jumps on our laps for cuddles or sleeps in his bed for hours. Eats normal dog food. No separation anxiety. Can be left for a couple of hours by himself (hard hat for that!!!). We got a good dog walker for 3-4 days a week when we work - not easy to find, but obviously possible.

Dd adores the dog and he really provides an extra bond our family. I have lost a stone since we got him. Walks are shared and provide a family outing. We take him most places with us, but we can leave him at home for short trips or arrange with our dog walker. Dogs don't have to be trekked through forests and wilderness - the streets are perfectly good enough. As for the "mess" - there is none! Maybe we have to hoover a little more than before at the most. No drool, barking or even smelliness.

I wasn't a dog person - probably still not. But he is a relatively low maintenance adorable part of our family.

I don't get why there needs to be such scare stories about getting a dog. If you don't get a puppy and are patient enough, you could end with a lovely pet that helps your kids. (I will conceed cost as a downside though.)

I have 2 dogs and 3 children.
Dogs are ages 7 and 12. Very well behaved.

I wouldn't get one again until life has slowed down. Far too much upkeep along with children. Days out and holidays are another nightmare to negotiate alongside packing for the family, just another job for mum and another plate to spin. Love our dogs we really do they have a great life because our life has to be catered for their needs before our own.
The dogs aren't hard work per se it's more the work they create on top of running a home and having children.

I agreed to my partner getting a dog for mental health issues 4 years ago. I'm not a dog person. It was very, very hard for me at first I will admit, the toilet training and chewing stages were an absolute nightmare and we had to replace lots of household items and furniture.

Now, I do love the dog and enjoy other dogs too.
But I still don't like the dirtiness and demandingness of dogs, unlike cats.
It's like having a toddler in the house.
If you do decide to get one, absolutely cage train it and go to obedience classes.