Getting a dog when 'not a dog person' - advice needed

[Threesoundslikealot]

Please be gentle! No decisions at all have been made yet and I'll be reading and taking in advice on here, not ignoring it I promise. This may be a long post to capture everything that might matter.

I've got two children with autism. One is absolutely desperate for dog, and has been for years now. We have never had dogs, our lifestyle hasn't worked for one, and we've said no every single time. We've had cats, much loved, and have just one left now after losing others to old age. Our other autistic child adores the cats and is slightly nervous of dogs in general, but not to the point that he wouldn't be happy with one he knew well. He generally loves animals.

Things are changing. We will be moving next year to somewhere far more dog friendly (more rural, large garden, bigger house in general). Like many people, we are at home a lot more than before, and I will be working wholly from home once we move. Our children are getting older - the youngest will be seven by the time we move. I have read a LOT of things about the emotional benefit of dog ownership to autistic children and my daughter is really struggling to connect with others, to a painful point. She is overeating and walking a dog would be a good way of building exercise into an otherwise very screen-focused existence. BUT we are just not dog people, and I have seen how frequently people regret getting dogs. I do like individual dogs owned by friends, but have never had the urge to own one.

Given the kids and the cat my understanding is that we would be very unlikely to find the right rescue dog, so we'd be looking at buying a puppy.

The alternative, which I'm very drawn to, is a Borrow My Doggy type thing, but my daughter is pleading for her own dog.

We have enough money to train and insure a dog, and are diligent sorts who would make sure it was well taken care of day to day. I really hate the idea of drool but know there are breeds that don't do this as much. Fur I can cope with, in moderation, so again, choosing the right breed is important.

In terms of general life upheaval, we lead a fairly non-spontaneous life in general. We do go on holiday a couple of times a year - I'd happily use kennels (speaking hypothetically - I see lots of dog owners are very against them). Otherwise we go on short trips that could probably include a dog. We could probably also find friends happy to dog sit if not frequently asked. I would find it hard though not to be able to be out all day.

Pros:

• emotional and physical benefit for kids (and this one probably counts for about ten bullet points)
• I quite like the idea of being forced out for walks too, as I tend to laziness and need more exercise
• many positive stories from friends with dogs about how great they are in the family

Cons:

• changes our lives - however little we live crazy lives, we don't have the limitation of a dog right now
• puppy like having a baby - sounds exhausting
• clueless, frankly, as reading about the necessary stuff doesn't equal experience
• cost
• cat may hate us forever

Writing it all out, it seems like total madness to even contemplate getting a dog. But if I can make my daughter's life even slightly better, is this something we can do without total disaster ensuing?

Do the borrowmydoggy and see how your DD gets on.

I love rookiedog, but I wish wholeheartedly that we hadn't got him.

I am pretty sure that there’s an organisation that has assistance dogs that they bring to you for a visit, so the person gets the benefit of the company of the dog for that time but without the commitment of ownership and training etc. My neighbour used them for her autistic daughter, I will see if she can tell me the name of them. It worked well for them, it’s different from Borrow My Doggy as they are trained to cope with the situation.

“Just don’t feel an affinity with dogs whereas I’ve grown up around cats.”

I have both.... yes, dogs are a lot more work than cats, but... they’re also more interactive and you get a lot more back from them than cats.

I’d suggest trying a build up to it approach, doing things like volunteering for the cinnamon trust and as a Walker for a rescue (smaller ones especially are always looking for people to do that)

I’d avoid borrow my doggy, I’m sure there are people who use it how a Walker would want, but most people on it seem to be people who should really be using a professional Walker or daycare but don’t want to pay for it.

If the walking is ok, in that you like spending time with the dogs, you could try fostering for the dogs trust freedom project - it’s for women leaving domestic violence, so the dogs go back once they’re settled, they don’t take dogs with known behavioural problems and they match you with the dog, so with a cat and children your only get ones that have lived with a cat and children.

I have 2 chihuahuas. They are elderly, so i have been committed to them now for over 14 years. Holiday and days out destinations have to be carefully considered. It's long haul. They poop and pee where they shouldn't now and they smell awful. They regularly visit the parlour and have access to outside all day. But still my house stinks. Vet fees for them and their sibling, passed away, have been extortionate. 1 dog cost me thousands, not covered by the insurance. Never get a dog for anyone else other than yourself and as you're not a doggy person, please save the heartache and don't do it.

Don't do it. Really. I could have written your OP almost word for word a couple of years ago - a dc with asd, both dc begging and begging. I'm not a dog person, do like them generally, but am a genuine cat-lover. It was an unmitigated disaster - the things you've already identified as cons will be magnified x1000 in real life. My ds discovered he couldn't cope with the barking and the biting. Neither children were willing to give the time needed when it came down to it, despite all their promises in the months and years of begging - puppies are ALL-CONSUMING, 24/7. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

I truly think if you have a gut feeling that it's not right, listen to it.

In your position I'd get two new kittens.

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

Not a dog lover here although I didn't realise how much they irritated me until I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend who has one - we don't live together and no plans to. They get under your feet, stink the house out, malt everywhere, beg for food, beg for attention. The barking. The drool. They constantly try and invade your personal space. You can't have a lie in, you can't have so much as a day out if you can't take it with you. Picking up shit. Cleaning up mud off the floor.

If you can't take all of this on and happily so - don't do it.

Well either your boyfriend has just about the worst dog in the world or you are over exaggerating.

Lots of dog breeds don't moult (my dogs don't). Again lots (most) dogs don't drool (mine don't).

My dogs rarely bark. They bark if someone is at the door which is what they are meant to do. Otherwise they never bark.

We certainly get to lie in if we want to. We are normally early birds but if we decide to lie in until 9 or a bit later we can. They only beg for food/attention if you let them. A dog should be trained properly

Also not all dogs smell. I hate that dog haters always say that. There are breeds that do not smell and, therefore, not all houses smell of dog.

You could get past the day out dilemma by getting a small dog. Then a dog flap. Small dog might be just the compromise you need though of course this doesn't mean they need less commitment merely size wise they can feel less overwhelming and might afford you a little more freedom insofar as a dog flap.

I was indifferent to getting a dog but we got it anyway. He is the love of my life, I can’t imagine life without him. He has brought so much love to our house.

He’s not much work, he eats twice a day, he has a long walk every day unless it’s raining when nothing in the world will entice him out. He can stay home happily for 3-4 hours although I very rarely leave him that long. He goes to the dog sitter when we are away £25 a day, gets groomed every 8 weeks, £40 and he doesn’t drool he just gives love and cuddles. He sleeps all night (does take a while) and comes up for cuddles in the morning. He’s a cavapoo which is an MN hated cross breed. Most people I know with small dogs like cavapoo, bichon, shihtzu, etc have similar experiences

DD was the same, ASD/ADHD and desperate for a dog.

I am not a doggy person either, I am not an outdoorsy person. We started off walking a friends dog, we then did borrow my doggy for about 4 months and then looked after a friends dog whilst they were on holiday.

Then we got our dog (a rescue, so no puppy phase...). None of us would be without her now. We had some initial issues and she still isn't great with other dogs but helps DD enormously. We had very very strict boundaries initially to minimise impact of DD and meltdowns on dog but now (5 years on) if DD has a meltdown dog watches then knows the exact point at which to approach her and help.

(we now also have a shitload of other animals and I am rarely indoors, so you can change!).

I really think your best bet, at least to start with, is to use borrow my doggy. I know a couple of people who love dogs but can't have one who use it and they love it.

My niece gets to look after dogs either in her own flat or in the dog owner's place. Sometimes it is just overnight, sometimes for a week or longer.

I think if you are not really a dog lover then it may not be the best idea to get a dog however I can't believe just how negative a lot of posters have been.

I have had quite a few dogs since I got married and some have been really good and easy to look after and some not quite so much.

They have all been the same breed, a breed that does not moult so that makes life much easier.

Some of them we got as rescues and a couple from puppies. One of the dogs we have now we got at 9 weeks. He was house trained in 3 days.

He has never ever chewed anything that he shouldn't. He has toys that he had when a puppy and they are immaculate. He is 9 now.

The other dog we got at 7 months as a rescue. He has been harder work but considering he had never lived in a house when we got him and been beaten and abused he has done well. He took around 2 weeks to house train and has chewed things he shouldn't (my phone and around 4 tv remotes being the worst).

@lightnesspixie

You could get past the day out dilemma by getting a small dog. Then a dog flap. Small dog might be just the compromise you need though of course this doesn't mean they need less commitment merely size wise they can feel less overwhelming and might afford you a little more freedom insofar as a dog flap.

Please don't do this

A dog flap is not a substitute for proper exercise and human company.

The reason dogs can't be left all day isn't just because they'll need taking to the toilet!

I do think it depends on the dog.

I got a slightly older show reject yorkie. Not quite up to show or breeding standard so the breeder offered him to us when I contacted her about puppies.

He was 6th months so the worst of the puppy stage was over. He was well socialised with other dogs, well behaved in the house, good with kids poking and prodding.

I’ve always had yorkies. Small, portable, don’t shed. I keep him clipped so no real effort with brushing, smells or mud etc. I just dump him in the sink if he needs it.

He will walk and explore all day, but he’s equally happy mousing at home with the cat. Loves his cuddles, and does like to be sat on a knee but he’s so small I can work quite easily with him there.

In some ways I find him easier than the cat. No litter tray, no worrying about him going out wandering and getting on a road. He can come with us to most places, and if not I have several friends/family who happily take him if we go on holiday or whatever.

We’ve been reading this thread together. And reading the Internet. A friend suggested a Maine Coon cat might fit the bill and DD thinks they look fab, so we might get saving for one of them. We’re just not ready for a dog even a year from now I don’t think!

You have to be a dog person to have a dog.

One of our DDs was desperate to have a dog, but OH and I did not want this, so it did not happen.

In order to have a dog you need to be totally committed and love having it around. There is no point in getting one to help your children - ultimately it will cause problems unless you really want it.

I have a maine coon cat. I rehomed her age 4 after her breeding career was over. She’s the best cat in the world.

I’d love a dog one day but I wouldn’t do this while I have my cat. I’d hate to knowingly make her home less of a safe space for her. I’ve seen people deboning their cat as they’ve got a new puppy and it makes me so sad, the cat was there first!

Deboning = rehoming!

I honestly think getting a dog will be the wrong thing for your family. For all you understand how they can compromise your life, until you actually live it there will always be a bit of ignorance is bliss going on, and I really don't mean to sound nasty, but it's just one of those things you need to experience to appreciate.
It sounds as if there will be plenty of dog owning neighbours where you are moving to who will probably be delighted to have a reliable dog walker/sitter. I'd look into offering to walk a neighbours dog before committing to getting your own.

Oh now I want a Maine Coon cat. They look amazing.

Dogs are amazing for children with SEN - we've done it and our non-dog loving DS has been transformed and is in love with the dog.

BUT it is a lot of work at the beginning, and an AWFUL thing to have to reverse. So I probably wouldn't. You don't sound convinced enough.

Even if you are a dog person it’s challenging! I would never get a pet unless every person in the house wanted it. It’s just a recipe for disaster otherwise.

Maine Coon cat sounds like a good idea since you are a cat person. Then if the child does get fed up with it you don’t feel annoyed at being stuck with a pet you don’t like.

I’m sorry but it’s my experience that children’s enthusiasm often doesn’t last long and rarely includes the boring day to day stuff of looking after an animal.

Have to agree with this! Two of mine are desperate for a dog and love to talk about where it would sleep, what would their dog be called, how they will teach it tricks. I always respond with what hand will you use to pick its poo up, who will clean up its accidents off the floor, will you get an alarm clock to wake up an hour earlier to walk it in the horizontal rain, how much of your pocket money will you spend on it, will you love having extra hoovering chores to clean up its hair.

I disagree with a few pp, I've had 3 dogs none of which have drooled as such, you can get dogs which don't shed much fur, op already has a cat anyway so must be used to that. My parents got a dog for me and my brothers when we were similar age to op dd and they were not dog people at all... they've had dogs ever since, can't be without one now. Yes dogs are hard work but op has said she's willing to put in the time and effort, I don't think its an awful idea at all.

Also while I understand some children will lose their enthusiasm for a dog, not all will.

You’ll get far more fur from a maine coon than most dogs, lol.

If you’re thinking more interactive cats... I’ll suggest orientals, I’ve had a Siamese - she was great as being between a cat and dog, the easiness of looking after a cat, but similar companionship levels to a dog.