Getting a dog when 'not a dog person' - advice needed

[Threesoundslikealot]

Please be gentle! No decisions at all have been made yet and I'll be reading and taking in advice on here, not ignoring it I promise. This may be a long post to capture everything that might matter.

I've got two children with autism. One is absolutely desperate for dog, and has been for years now. We have never had dogs, our lifestyle hasn't worked for one, and we've said no every single time. We've had cats, much loved, and have just one left now after losing others to old age. Our other autistic child adores the cats and is slightly nervous of dogs in general, but not to the point that he wouldn't be happy with one he knew well. He generally loves animals.

Things are changing. We will be moving next year to somewhere far more dog friendly (more rural, large garden, bigger house in general). Like many people, we are at home a lot more than before, and I will be working wholly from home once we move. Our children are getting older - the youngest will be seven by the time we move. I have read a LOT of things about the emotional benefit of dog ownership to autistic children and my daughter is really struggling to connect with others, to a painful point. She is overeating and walking a dog would be a good way of building exercise into an otherwise very screen-focused existence. BUT we are just not dog people, and I have seen how frequently people regret getting dogs. I do like individual dogs owned by friends, but have never had the urge to own one.

Given the kids and the cat my understanding is that we would be very unlikely to find the right rescue dog, so we'd be looking at buying a puppy.

The alternative, which I'm very drawn to, is a Borrow My Doggy type thing, but my daughter is pleading for her own dog.

We have enough money to train and insure a dog, and are diligent sorts who would make sure it was well taken care of day to day. I really hate the idea of drool but know there are breeds that don't do this as much. Fur I can cope with, in moderation, so again, choosing the right breed is important.

In terms of general life upheaval, we lead a fairly non-spontaneous life in general. We do go on holiday a couple of times a year - I'd happily use kennels (speaking hypothetically - I see lots of dog owners are very against them). Otherwise we go on short trips that could probably include a dog. We could probably also find friends happy to dog sit if not frequently asked. I would find it hard though not to be able to be out all day.

Pros:

• emotional and physical benefit for kids (and this one probably counts for about ten bullet points)
• I quite like the idea of being forced out for walks too, as I tend to laziness and need more exercise
• many positive stories from friends with dogs about how great they are in the family

Cons:

• changes our lives - however little we live crazy lives, we don't have the limitation of a dog right now
• puppy like having a baby - sounds exhausting
• clueless, frankly, as reading about the necessary stuff doesn't equal experience
• cost
• cat may hate us forever

Writing it all out, it seems like total madness to even contemplate getting a dog. But if I can make my daughter's life even slightly better, is this something we can do without total disaster ensuing?

I know someone who got a puppy for their son who is autistic and really wanted a dog.

2 weeks later the dog had to go back to breeder as it was a absolute disaster.

Think long and hard. Especially as you are not dog people.

Some of the comments on here are unnecessarily alarmist IMO.

While I wouldn’t advise a dog if ‘you aren’t a dog person’, I have two dogs and they are great.

I don’t know if I’ve just been really lucky but I can honestly say my older one is pretty much no trouble at all.

Never really barks, poos only once or twice a day, I absolutely can get a lie in as she has always loved sleep and will not get up until we do.
She doesn’t dig, nor chew, she doesn’t smell.
No separation anxiety, kind and gentle with everyone.

The younger one it’s too early to tell what his adult personality will be like but he is pretty placid and quiet so I suspect much the same.

OP:
I really, really don’t mind rain, mud etc. I could cope with muddy dog
But can you confidently say the same about your 7 year old, when it’s early in the morning and still dark, cold and howling with rain? Will she still be keen to come with you to walk the dog, or will you be doing it on your own? Or will you HAVE to take the children (not sure your home set up)?

I’m sorry but it’s my experience that children’s enthusiasm often doesn’t last long and rarely includes the boring day to day stuff of looking after an animal.

I think it depends on the breed. Mine is nine month rough collie and is chilled. She pooed once in the house the day she arrived and never has since. Pee - another matter but quite easy to clean up and seld9m. It was really hard work at first and we had some bitey shark weeks but really, they passed. She does do zoomies and loves outdoors. Very fluffy and cuddly. Slicker brush for ten mins a day sorts out the floof. My son has autism and has always been terrified of dogs. He is an adult now but he is besotted with her. She is really gentle with him. No drool and low odour were musts for me and that's been ok. Thing is though, dogs are a tie and we've kind of done lots of stuff so aren't missing it. We like doing walks, etc but when I am exhausted from work but still have to take her out then that is a consideration.

I would echo the poster re horses. Maybe a bit expensive but you don't have to have one!

Certainly don't want to be all doom and gloom, lots of good balanced advice on this thread BUT some of the things you mention are sounding very similar to how I felt about getting a dog. Long story short- husband and 10 year old daughter really wanted a dog, I really wanted to give them that happiness. Until a few years ago, my daughter and I I were scared of dogs. We worked so hard on over coming these fears as it was stopping us from even having days out together. I'm still not a dog person though and turns out, I am still afraid of them when they are in my home and I am responsible for them. I know this because 1 month ago we had to return our 12 week old puppy. We had him for 10 days and my phobia returned - I had a nervous breakdown. Really caught me by surprise but looking back now, my doubts were there, I just convinced myself that I would over come the challenge, just as us superwoman do with everything else. I know the situation is not exactly the same for you OP but the outcome could be. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Daughter understands why it happened but is still absolutely heart broken. I feel like the worst mother in the world and my heart aches every day because I have caused her this pain, her own mother. I thought I was being cruel to keep saying no when there seemed no clear reason not to. But having a dog and then it being taken away from her is much more cruel. I wish I had listened to those niggling doubts.

Tricky one.

We've recently got a puppy. I wouldn't be without him now... But it is literally like a bomb has gone off in my life. It's just me & DH, no kids. But it's turned out life upside down.

i honestly dont know why the focus is always on getting a puppy instead of an older rescue dog needing a home . puppies are so much hard work ,iv seen at least 2 threads on mumsnet about puppy regrets .
i dont understand why its always assumed that there arent going to be suitable dogs out of the many many sitting in rescuses .
if your not a dog person already a puppy will finish you off by the time its weed all over the place plus the odd no 2 and chewing at your furniture

My now 10 year old nephew with autism was bought a dog (when he was 7). Beautiful little family friendly pup. Nephew hates it. He disliked it from day one and is quite aggressive to ihim when he's in his space.

Having our dog has not been like many of the experiences here.
He was a great puppy and teen dog. No issues at all. His breed doesn't shed so no issues there, we did take him to classes for around 18 months and he is really well trained, we can leave him for around 3-4 hours with no issues, has never destroyed anything, doesn't smell (unless rolled in something) or drool.

However he is definitely a big tie. There is no spontaneity with a dog. They are expensive especially when you factor in daycare or boarding.

I would say if your heart isn't in it, don't do it. I would never be without my dog. He is so loving and we adore him.
However, beyond breed generalizations we had no idea how he would turn out. He might have been a nightmare to train, been destructive etc.
if your not willing to work with worse case scenario then I wouldn't get a dog. Puppies are like having a child and there is no guarantees how they are going to grow.

We have just got a dog for this very reason. I’ve never been a dog person but the change in my son is amazing already 🥰

Kids always want pets but it's you that will be the main carer for it. There's not many kids I know that don't want a dog but it's not always practical. It's not just trips out it's holidays etc and even if you can pop back it's not fair to leave the dog all day IMO

We've had multiple working labs and a few cocker spaniels since my childhood. My mother was terrified of dogs after being bitten as a child so would only consider a puppy. To be honest, even when we were inexperienced dog owners with our first I don't recognise the horror stories here at all.

All of ours have house trained very fast, with several (including our current) never messing in the house. They've all been fun and happy to train and lovely for snuggles. None of them have been land sharks and only one was even slightly inclined to test chew things with his mouth and he learnt pretty fast that toys were better. None of the others have destroyed anything beyond their toys.

Having said that, we have always picked breeders and bloodlines carefully and made sure to meet multiple doggy relatives of the puppies to make as sure as we can of temperament. The working labs were all a million times easier than the cockers. There is a fair amount of hair, no drool though and a towel waits at the door for all muddy paws.

Just wanted to offer an alternative experience!

I’m absolutely not a dog person and it took me about 5 years to warm up to the idea of getting one. We ended up with a cavalier King Charles who is now aged 7. She is a great dog, gentle, affectionate and not phased by anything. We have a one year old Ragdoll cat too (I’m more of a cat person), and the two of them have a lot of fun playing with each other.

What type of breeds are you considering? When I say I’m not a dog person, a cavalier King Charles was pretty much the only breed I considered getting as I liked them while finding most other dog breeds a bit bleh. But it took me ages to psych myself up into dog ownership as at the time with younger kids I really had to think hard about whether or not I wanted the responsibilities that come with it.

And is saying our dog is great, she’s very easy going, goes places with us lots, is obedient and no trouble, which is partly luck of the draw with her personality but also the breed in general. She was mildly chewy as a puppy but not a lot and that wasn’t really a thing with her. Pre pandemic she’d be happy to run around and snooze all day outside on her own but she would not cope with that now as she’s too used to at least someone being around every few hours although so saying she hangs with the cat a bit if they are home alone.

She does shed a lot (more cleaning), and she snores very very loudly.

I would never get a rescue dog though unless you were very very sure there were no behavioural issues.

I'm not going to disagree with everything that has been said, but I do think that dogs are good for children.
Ideally if you could dog sit a nice steady dog for a week so you would have a better idea of what is involved.
My dog doesn't shed much, doesn't drool, doesn't bark. She very quiet in the house and is gentle with children.
She's not perfect and has problems with anxiety. But we got her as an older rescue so her temperament was known, she was house trained and luckily also good on a lead. It was very difficult to find a small, quiet dog through rescues though. They were overrun with boisterous strong young dogs when we were looking, but did nonetheless find a suitable match..
I also have cats and don't find the dogs any messier.
One suggestion though! If you love cats but want one which is more dog like in personality - look at the oriental breeds. Very friendly and interactive - no walking though.

We got a puppy after having a relative’s dog staying for a month with us.

We realised we liked being out and about with him, having a large friendly dog following us around hopeful for food was delightful and he was fond of a cuddle.

We got a puppy, hard work but at 2 years she’s now lovely. It filled the empty nest hole in my husband’s life.

Going away is a pain though, her issue is we couldn’t put her in kennels, so we’d need a house sitter if in laws can’t have her.

The puppy stage is awful. Really, really hard work. Id strongly suggest an older rescue, it might take some finding but a dog that's a year old or more is past the worst puppy stage and will be toilet trained. Id also suggest a small dog - the smaller the better. Cat sized. They're still just as much of a dog but MUCH easier to handle.

Would getting a specially trained support dog help?
www.autism.org.uk/directory/a/autism-dogs-cic

If that’s an option, you would at least avoid the puppy issue.

The alternative, which I'm very drawn to, is a Borrow My Doggy type thing, but my daughter is pleading for her own dog.
This isn't a bad idea. It'll test how committed your dd is to looking after a dog Day in day out.

When you say you’re not a dog person... what do you mean by that? Just you’ve never had one? Or you don’t like them?

Most breeds of dog don’t drool btw, and unless you get a lab or something like an Akita or husky they leave less fur about than cats do.

Also for @BhortaBhorta you can look after someone's dog when they go on holiday. We have a wonderful person who does this. She gets to stay in a bigger house for a week and look after rookiedog which she sees as a treat , we get to go away knowing he's well looked after. We don't actually save a huge amount of money as I buy her lots of presents from our holiday and a voucher for the local pub, but it's a real win win for all of us.

@tabulahrasa

When you say you’re not a dog person... what do you mean by that? Just you’ve never had one? Or you don’t like them?

Most breeds of dog don’t drool btw, and unless you get a lab or something like an Akita or husky they leave less fur about than cats do.

Never had one, never spent much time around them, my family members don’t have them, always had cats. Some dogs I do actively dislike but not all by any means. Am nervous around very barky, jumping up dogs.

@Daisydoesnt

OP: I really, really don’t mind rain, mud etc. I could cope with muddy dog But can you confidently say the same about your 7 year old, when it’s early in the morning and still dark, cold and howling with rain? Will she still be keen to come with you to walk the dog, or will you be doing it on your own? Or will you HAVE to take the children (not sure your home set up)?

I’m sorry but it’s my experience that children’s enthusiasm often doesn’t last long and rarely includes the boring day to day stuff of looking after an animal.

My daughter is a fair bit older than seven, but no, I know it would be me/DH doing this in reality. That’s why I’m answering on my own behalf!

@tinierclanger

Would getting a specially trained support dog help? www.autism.org.uk/directory/a/autism-dogs-cic

If that’s an option, you would at least avoid the puppy issue.

It would definitely be good but the waiting lists are closed, or go on for years.

@chaosrabbitland

i honestly dont know why the focus is always on getting a puppy instead of an older rescue dog needing a home . puppies are so much hard work ,iv seen at least 2 threads on mumsnet about puppy regrets . i dont understand why its always assumed that there arent going to be suitable dogs out of the many many sitting in rescuses . if your not a dog person already a puppy will finish you off by the time its weed all over the place plus the odd no 2 and chewing at your furniture

The RSPCA has dogs to adopt across the country on its website. When I put in ‘live with cat’ and ‘primary aged children’ it offered me fewer than ten dogs nationwide. I had a look at a few local shelters. Most have none suitable for us. Then you have to apply to adopt and we would be no one’s first choice, as inexperienced owners.

Thank you for the varied replies that have come in. Can’t quote a quote but the post above about why not a dog person is pretty similar to mine. Just don’t feel an affinity with dogs whereas I’ve grown up around cats. And I think without that the sacrifices required by the dog lifestyle are hard work.

Lots to think about.