Breeder not sure about Son2

[aloneinthenight]

I don't know how normal this is and what to do.

I really want a puppy. Our eldest son died last year and I think a dog would be a great help.

Although DH isn't really a dog person, he is on board. Son2 was initially keen but now ambivalent.

I've found a breeder who is very good and super responsible. She lives 40 minutes away from us and expects weekly visits for 8 weeks (from when puppies are 4 weeks old to when she lets them go at 12 weeks).

Son2 doesn't like going. It takes up all his Sunday morning when he'd rather be with his mates, he doesn't like their house (they have a lot of dogs) and they are quite intense.

They want to see him play with the dog, tell the dog off, learn how to handle him.

Today, on visit 4 (!) they have said they are not sure Son2 wants a dog enough and they may not let us take it.

He is obviously struggling since his brother died. Son1 was very exuberant and he is much more reserved, he is also wary around new people and doesn't like to get things wrong.

I think a dog will be good for him but in much more of a 'slow burn' way and in his own time.

I'm not sure what to do. He's now feeling under even more pressure than before. They want us to visit twice a week to be sure he is keen, which seems counter productive.

Help!

Sorry for the loss of your son.

This sounds like a lot of commitment from this breeder, I’ve not pets heard of people wanting this many visits!

How old is your son, won’t you and your husband be the primary owners of the dog? I don’t really see why he needs to do so many visits, tbh I think the amount of visits is quite an excessive expectation overall.

Son2 is 12. So a very 'unenthusiastic age'

Personally not pets, but an apt autocorrect!

I think it’s unreasonable of them to want to vet a 12 year olds enthusiasm about a dog, can’t you explain you & your DH will be the primary dog owners and your son doesn’t need to do performance dog enthusiasm for them!

Really sorry for your loss OP. It must have been horrific for all of you.

Do the dog breeders know the circs? As you say, 12 isn't a very enthusiastic age but with a massive recent loss, then your DS2 can hardly be expected to be the life and soul, surely?

If they can't deliver enough empathy, maybe cut the pressure and expectations from the breeders, and go for a rescue instead? A dog in need of help might be more suited to your son who could maybe also need a bit of help, even if he doesn't realise.

They say they need to be sure the whole family will take responsibility!

I feel like my puppy is being held to ransom.

I think the breeder sounds a bit ridiculous tbh. I'm not sure I'd want a puppy from someone like that.

@aloneinthenight

They say they need to be sure the whole family will take responsibility!

I feel like my puppy is being held to ransom.

I think they’re ridiculous to expect a child to take active responsibility for a dog, maybe you need a different breeder?

I also think the breeder sounds ridiculous and I too would be re considering whether I really wanted a puppy from them.

I am so sorry for your loss. How utterly devastating for your family and I cannot imagine what you're going through.

I think the breeder sounds bloody batshit. Expecting a 12 year old, particularly a recently bereaved one, to show enthusiasm, is nuts. I think you should tell her he won't be coming again and remind her that you are all grieving. It's a horrible thing to expect grieving people to behave in a certain way.

The whole family do not have to take responsibility for a dog. A 12 year old can't even legally take responsibility for one.

How ridiculous. We have always had dogs, they are mine and dps responsibility. Ds does get involved, but only as and when he fancies. Which is fine, he is a child.

I like breeders who properly vet their customers, but this person is taking it to extreme.

I do hope these dogs are fully health tested and she is is over the top, with their health not just the potential owners.

The breeder sounds absolutely batshit.

If you can, get your money back. I'd also be telling her you don't appreciate the already loved puppy being held to ransom over a grieving 12 year olds reaction to it!! Considering he won't even do any of the care really!?

Thank you all, I feel much better now.

It’s pretty normal for a breeder to want to meet everyone... once or twice, once a week is ludicrous.

Why 12 weeks btw? Is it a tiny breed?

No it's a cocker spaniel.

Sorry - I keep name changing on the app for some reason!

She is very diligent, although I am concerned she will want daily updates!

There are lots of questions like 'who will look after the dog if you get ill?'

Well obviously my husband will and if he can't, then someone will have to look after DS2 as well.

I feel very protective of him for obvious reasons. I do really want a dog but she has made me very uncomfortable. DS2 now feels like he's on trial.

Lots of his friends have puppies that they saw once or twice.

So what should I do?

She wants me to take him back mid-week 'to be sure'

Do I just tell her no? I don't really want to call her bluff, or start again looking for a new puppy.

I am so sorry about your older son

I think the woman (breeder) is stark raving bonkers

You should tell her that the way she behaves towards your son is negatively impacting his grieving process and that you accept her decision (she then has to give you the deposit back)

We just got a puppy, I spoke to the breeder on the phone, I visited when pups were 5 weeks old. I chose a pup (actually, he chose me 🥰), we then had a few text messages. Then I picked the pup up, and that was that.

Just for comparison

Hope you find another pup, and more sensible breeder, soon

“So what should I do? “

Tell her you accept her decision. Make sure you don’t word it in any way as your decision. It’s her decision. You accept her decision. She gives the deposit back (as it was her who cancelled the thing)

Remain polite, but firm. Say it is damaging to your child and her decision (HER decision) is probably for the best

Then feel confident you escaped from a nutter

You are paying for a product. Either she is willing to sell to you or she isn't. I would say Son isn't coming to visits anymore he is finding it too intense. He desperately wants the puppy but Is bereaved and cannot be demonstrative in front of strangers.

A cocker spaniel? Then why is she keeping it till 12 weeks?

First of all, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your eldest son.

Regarding the puppy, is there any chance that the breeder isn't really questioning DS2, instead is using not-very-smart trickery to prompt you to express how much you and DH want the puppy, and will be the primary care givers?

As you say, 12-y-o are not known for their open enthusiasm, and I'd feel uncomfortable that the breeder is looking for some sort of performative enthusiasm from a recently bereaved child.

How comfortable are you wi being honest with her? Although I'm also of the batshit crazy view. She basically a backyard breeder with delusions of grandeur. If you really want the dog, and are comfortable doing so, I'd have a formal discussion with her. Myself and husband will be the main carers for the dog with the responsibility. Our son is a quiet more reserved child who is grieving the loss of his brother and is needing the support of his friends to do so. I am happy to bring him for a further visit, and one more one week before the pup is picked up, but anything further is stressful to him because your house is overwhelming with the number of people and animals present. Or tell her she's batshit and find a different breeder.

And also, more importantly, I'm very sorry for your family's loss xxx

They want to see him play with the dog, tell the dog off, learn how to handle him. How does the breeder want a 12 year old child to tell a