Struggling to bond with new dog

[PawPatrolAreOnARoll]

Hi. We have been very lucky and took on a 2.5 year old labrador from a local family who could no longer look after it. We've had the dog for a month.

He is an amazing dog, clearly from a loving home. He's very patient and gentle with my children, aged 3 and 5. We did a lot of breed research beforehand and took advice from friends who have similar aged children with similar breeds of dogs. It took six months to find this dog after a lot of searching and I've wanted a dog my whole life. So, I thought we'd gone down the right route.

But I'm now doubting we've done the right thing. All I seem to be able to do is focus on the difficulties we're having as dog owners and I feel a lot of resentment and little love towards the dog. I don't want to feel like this! What's wrong with me? How do I turn this around?

These are the things I'm struggling with:

1. The kids keep asking to give him back. I've reiterated that the dog is our responsibility now and we need to look after him. But they really don't like him. I've tried involving them in the dogs training, let them feed the dog, trying to involve them in playing games with him, encouraging them to stroke him. I think they're frustrated as we can no longer do the things we used to do and I need to focus some of attention on the dog that takes it away from them. I don't want my kids to be sad. My three year old spends a lot of the time hiding from the dog, and shielding her face if he runs past. My five year old hides on the back of the sofa. They're really scared of him and he's not aggressive at all.

2. The dog has major separation anxiety. Completely to be expected as he's lost his previous family. But he follows me everywhere, gets between me and the kids and will sometimes low level growl at them if they come to me for a hug. He won't sleep alone but goes into mild panic. So sleeps on the floor next to our bed and I get woken up to hyper licking to the face. Won't nap during the day if I move between rooms as has to follow me.

3. The mud. It's everywhere, sofa, floor, carpet, beds. My house stinks. The children hate it and cry because they end up walking in mud. I can't keep on top of it. Washing and drying the dog's paws has little impact. It just seems to stick to him and gradually gets wiped off around the house during the day. Everyday I'm cleaning the floor and it's taken so much time keeping on top of it.

4. The dog knocks the kids over a lot. My three year old has cuts on both her feet where the dog has accidently stood on her feet. And bruises all over her bottom, back and legs from being knocked over when the dog has side swiped us during a walk/run. I try to get her to stand by me, but he side swipes me. I try carrying her but the dog jumps up at her and growls. He knocked my five year old down the stairs yesterday. He's not a naughty dog, he's just young and bouncy, I guess.

5. Pulling on lead and barking at other dogs when on the lead. I've signed up for online training classes for these behaviours. But in the meantime I dread walks and spend so much of them apologising to other people.

6. I resent how much the dog has come between me and the kids and me and my OH. I knew dogs took up time but didn't realise how much time. I'm now severely limited on time I have to spend with the kids as I need to walk, train and clean up after the dog. My OH has moved to the spare room because the dog sleeps with me, and I miss him. But we live in a terrace house and don't like leaving the dog to bark downstairs. Also because the dog clearly gets very, vert distressed.

7. I have no free time now. I'm shattered every evening and any time I have then involves cleaning.

I'm trying to hard to look at the positives. The dog is getting me out on a morning for fresh air for one.

My friends with labs and kids keep saying that I'm overthinking it, the dog will just fit in, he's a good family orientated breed. They don't get why I'm struggling.

But I just feel resentment the rest of the time. When will I adjust and start to love the dog? What can I do to help?

I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a really good talk about what to do. The dog will settle but it will take work and dedication from you all. It takes months for a rescue dog to settle and feel truly at home.

If you do decide to rehome please go to a breed specific rescue who will assess him and take the time to match him with the right home. You dont want to risk this keep happening as it will break him.

If you do decide to keep him try crate training him. You would need to build up gradually but you could start with the crate in your room and gradually move it further away until eventually it is downstairs. You could also pop him in for a couple of hours in the day so you can get things done. Look at long lasting natural treats like pizzle sticks and cows ears, smelly but buy you an hours peace.

Our puppy is 9 months and still follows me around. I would think with an older dog it will decrease as he feels secure. I still fantasise about rehoming him some days although I never would. Having a dog is a huge commitment and a massive change to the family routine.
Would a dog walker or a few mornings in daycare help to give you a break and build his independence.

I totally understand your concerns. If you do decide to keep him. I would recommend dog training advice and support on Facebook as they are very helpful and you may be able to figure out a plan to help him settle.

Hi. Thank you for replying.
I've already spoken to my OH and he's adamant that we're not going to put the dog through the rehoming process again. But we're also worried that the kids are still unsure and slightly scared of him.
I have started crate training. I'm not sure if the dog had a previous bad experience but dear god he is very anxious around the crate. The only time I've seen him froth around the mouth is during crate training. I'm going very, very slow with it. Keeping it very positive and calm. I've put his old bed and puppy blanket in there. So far I can get him to step into it for a treat but no more. He really is very anxious around it.

We have a puppy and it’s such hard work I often wonder if I should have investigated the rehoming an older dog option instead. I think the decision you made and to get a family friendly breed was a good one. I suppose he has come with a few issues to sort out but they don’t sound insurmountable

How long did it take you both to love and feel bonded to your dog's?

When you say “jumps up and growls” I wonder what is going on ? Unusual for a dog to to this. Growling is normally done with a specific fixed position. It seems more likely that he is doing noisy play there ?
The growling when the children come to you is more worrying, this needs nipping in the bud as a dog jealous or insecure around small children is a danger. Your children are very little to enjoy a large and bouncy breed, you have the dog now so it is a bit late but no rescue would have let you take on a rescue dog with such small children. Was the dog with small children in his old home ? Why exactly did they give him up ?

The mud is weird, I have never experienced this, try towelling him really well after walks in wetter weather or muddy places. Or shower him.

He really needs training by the sound of it, and you need some support-in training and understanding him, as you have taken on a tricky breed at a very tricky age and you have no experience at all- who on earth advised you to get this dog ? Get a good trainer /behaviourist , Labs like to learn and are very trainable. Once you understand him better you will bond with him more. Learning about dogs takes time, and bonding with any dog takes time too, it is liking making a good friend, you don’t love someone straight away, it takes shared experiences and time together.

Perhaps the previous owners haven’t been entirely honest with you and have not cared for him very well

Why are you crate training the dog?

If he’s not used to a crate you will only make anxious. Forget the crate. Lower your cleaning standards. Find a behaviourist for a couple of visits.

One month is nothing, give it time.

Why did you want a dog in first place?

I think you need to revisit why you wanted a dog in the first place and see if you can reconcile it with the reality.

Did the kids ever show interest in having a dog?

You did pick a stinky, slobbery, hairy breed though...

Oh poor you it's a big change to get a dog and overwhelming
With respect to specific practical things to do:

1. children - try to get them involved in fun things with the dog. Maybe training him to sit/paw for a treat. Hiding toys and getting him to find them. Taking them on walks with him and playing. Try to have fun with him in front of them.

2. you need helpfrom a trainer. I think I would probably teach him a sit/wait, do thar when the kids want a cuddle anf treat him extensively if he sits quietly. My dog doesn't like being shut in but is happy being shut out if that makes sense. So he hasa bed time routine and goes to bed in the kitchen, I shut my bedroom door but not the kitchen door. Quite often he's asleep outside my door when I get up but he doesn't disturb me

3. mud - get a mud daddy cleaner and a drying coat. When you get back from walks wash his feet and undercarriage thoroughly and put the drying coat on (towel his paws). It will really help.

4. halti headcollar will help loads with pulling. Treats and getting him to look at you when other dogs are around willhelp too.

Have you read "easy peasy puppysqueezy"? It's got really basic but straightforward training techniques that are invaluable. Such as how to train your dog to focus on you with commands.

I would worry about the growling. No wonder the kids are scared if he's knocking them down the stairs! You do need to nip that in the bud. Has he got a space away from the kids and them him? I would definitely do that first of all

I find the mud thing odd. We have a dog who is the messiest and muckiest but we still don't have mud everywhere and we are not cleaning him that much (and he's longer haired than a lab).

I would book an appointment with a behaviourist to get to the bottom of the growling/pushing dc issue ASAP before you make it worse unintentionally

@PawPatrolAreOnARoll

How long did it take you both to love and feel bonded to your dog's?

I felt bonded quite early but he was a cute fluffy puppy who slept a lot.

Six months later he is an almost fully sized adolescent who has forgotton his puppy training and can be an arsehole🤣.
Ours is a lab too and they have a longer than average puppy/adolescent stage apparently, only calming down around 3. He is very boisterous and still very bitey so he has me demented. We have a dog walker who takes him on group walks twice a week. It helps his socialisation and he comes back absolutely knackered so I get a break.

It is hard with kids too as there is that extra level of supervision needed. I don't leave ours alone with my 9 year old as I don't feel she is dog savvy enough yet, she also leaves stuff lying around that he gets and chews.
It is really hard work and you need eyes everywhere. My childhood dog seemed to just lie under the table and was low maintenance.
There are a few good labrador owners groups on Facebook if you use it that have lots of help and support. It is good to know that some behaviours are typical of the breed rather than anything you are doing.

Ive just read again about the growling. I wonder if he is resource guarding you?
Perhaps a few sessions with a behaviourist might help you to get to the bottom of it.

Not surprised your DC want to send the dog back. He has knocked your 5 yr old down the stair, he has covered your 3 yr old in cuts and bruises due to his jumping and knocking her over. Oh and he growls and jumps when you pick your 3yr old up.

You have rehomed a dog from another family without the proper screening you would usually get if you went to a rescue. You dont know the dogs history and given his behaviour towards your DC - I would be reconsidering keeping him. Sound like he needs to be in a home without DC and a owners who can work with him around his anxiety.

Have you ever owned a dog before OP because the clumsy behaviour and the mud is just labradors and probably won't change. Your kids need to be more dog aware, they're getting hurt because they can't anticipate his movements well and possibly he needs to learn some manners. If he tries to get between you and the kids he needs to be firmly repositioned and rewarded when he respects your space.
He will be testing boundaries and you don't want him to get the idea that he is above the kids in the family dynamic. He will fit in but you need to cut him some slack for just being a dog whilst being very consistent about the behaviour you want.

It sounds like you're really anxious around the dog and every thing that comes with it and your anxiety is being picked up by the children and making them anxious too all of which will also make the dog anxious.

You need to stop cleaning the floor every five minutes or change to flooring that's not going to show every speck. Children crying because they are walking in mud from the tiny bit that hasn't washed and dried off your dog sounds like they have picked up your issues with cleanliness - your attitude is giving them potentially life long issues. If you want a showhome then it's crazy to get a dog, stop cleaning every minute and calm down.

Stop trying to make the children enjoy the dog, the more you push them to be involved when they don't want to the more they're going to resent it....and the dog.

Stop trying to crate the dog if it causing it huge anxiety. There is no purpose to it apart from wanting to shut the dog in, in which case you're better off giving it to someone who doesn't want to shut it away.

Dogs do not develop separation anxiety just because they are moved, it's very much down to the individual and I'd say unusual in labs which are generally such laid back dogs. My lab cross was completely at home the minute I got out a ball, the lab I dog sit for walked in and didn't look back. Are you sure the dog wasn't badly treated and isn't now just a nervous wreck and that that is why they got rid of it? The reaction to the crate, the separation anxiety, anxiety around other dogs and not wanting to sleep alone. What do you mean the family couldn't look after it - are you sure they were telling you the truth or might it be they just wanted rid of it due to all its issues?

I don't understand how you say the dog is wonderful with the children but then say they are covered in cuts and bruises and he growls at them? It sounds like the dog is very bonded to you and is not that keen on children to be honest. Was he in a family home with children?

To be honest I really don't think you're cut out for a dog as a family, I would take the dog to a rescue that can deal with behaviour issues, tell them all the issues and then get some help yourself for your anxiety particularly around cleaning.

I really don’t feel, from what you have told us, that this is the dog for you.
The dog needs to go to an experienced dog owner/ trainer.
It’s in his best interest and yours.
Although you are doing your best for the dog he doesn’t sound very settled. Find him a more suitable forever home.
I do hope you can resolve this, for the best, for all concerned.
Good luck!

Labradors are great family dogs but you need to train them or they will run rings around you. First off... Get the dog out of your bedroom, I just don't understand why people let their dogs sleep with them if it bothers their partner. The dog will be fine sleeping downstairs or on the landing!

To the poster who recommended the halti collar... I think there are better options. I know this approach is not for everyone, but I would recommend working dog training for all retrievers. With this method, you use a choke lead which sounds mean, but the training means that you and your dog are completely on the same wave length. The lead is there for a backup and for security, but honestly I've never needed one with my dog. The lead is always slack. The dog, if trained well, doesn't pull and is completely attentive to your instructions. This type of training works with the natural temperament of the dog, meaning that it is very successful. But you need to put the work in. And the training doesn't stop when the puppy period is over. You need to work with your dog and keep the principles for it's whole life.

This may be more difficult for you OP as your dog is already an adult. But if you develop a trusting bond between you two, and really put the time in you can have a great and harmonious relationship.

But it is very strange that you have mud everywhere! My dog is out with the horses year round and gets very wet and muddy, we just towel her off in the kitchen and we've never had a problem with mud anywhere.

Just to add a few things... I agree with the other posters that maybe you are just not right for a dog. Labradors don't have to be clumsy or messy per se but you will have to deal with lots of gross things like getting it's glands cleaned out!

And just to say, when I refer to working dog training, I mean a specific type for retrievers and spaniels. It's not cruel at all, in fact the best trainers are able to do 100% non-verbal communication with the dog. The use of a choke lead is because a dog running through undergrowth has a risk of being caught on something if it's wearing a collar, and the choke lead (made of fabric) avoids the need for a separate collar and lead. I think it may also be called a slip lead, but we've just always called it a choke lead in my family!

@PawPatrolAreOnARoll why did you want a dog in the first place as it seems to me that many of the issues are nothing to do with this particular dog they are relevant to all dogs and it sounds like your family and dogs are just not a good mix .

cuts bruises and mud, eh?

I think you over-egged the pudding.

Why did the previous family let him go? Did they have him from a puppy?
I can't imagine many circumstances where a dog would be moved on like this.
Well, I can but not positive ones.

@SirVixofVixHall

When you say “jumps up and growls” I wonder what is going on ? Unusual for a dog to to this. Growling is normally done with a specific fixed position. It seems more likely that he is doing noisy play there ? The growling when the children come to you is more worrying, this needs nipping in the bud as a dog jealous or insecure around small children is a danger. Your children are very little to enjoy a large and bouncy breed, you have the dog now so it is a bit late but no rescue would have let you take on a rescue dog with such small children. Was the dog with small children in his old home ? Why exactly did they give him up ?

The mud is weird, I have never experienced this, try towelling him really well after walks in wetter weather or muddy places. Or shower him.

He really needs training by the sound of it, and you need some support-in training and understanding him, as you have taken on a tricky breed at a very tricky age and you have no experience at all- who on earth advised you to get this dog ? Get a good trainer /behaviourist , Labs like to learn and are very trainable. Once you understand him better you will bond with him more. Learning about dogs takes time, and bonding with any dog takes time too, it is liking making a good friend, you don’t love someone straight away, it takes shared experiences and time together.

Ok, he probably is just playing and I'm being overprotective of my daughter.

I think the growling when my kids come to me is that he doesn't want to share me. He's very attached to me, I think because I picked him up and I'm the one who's with him the majority of the time. I was hoping it would lessen with time as he got over losing his last family. How should I nip it in the bud?

The dog was with children who were 5 and 7 years old, so a bit older. They gave him up for "personal reasons".

Today I washed his paws and underside with dog shampoo and water and dried him with a towel and he's still managed to stain the stairs and landing. I've given up trying to get it out.

I was recommended labradors by both a friend with his own labs and kids ours' ages and also the majority of parents on my 5 year old's WhatsApps group who have labs were all telling me how amazing their labradors are. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have relied on that!

I'm trying online training at the moment but should look into a behaviourist. Need to convince my OH.

It sounds like the dog is resource guarding you and a lot of the problems are stemming from that. That’s why he’s side swiping the kids when they’re next to you, growling. So when you start training, you need to mention the resource guarding and I’m pretty sure your trainer will insist the dog doesn’t sleep in your bedroom, especially at the expense of your partner. Start training as soon as you can. Even during lockdown one to one training was still allowed to go on for behavioural issues. Our dog training has started again in groups of 6 outside.

When you go for a walk in the morning, don’t give the dog their breakfast. Take the breakfast in a treat bag. When they are walking to heel, which is when their head should be in line with your knee with a loose lead, give a treat. If they pull, stop, set them back up to the side of you. It takes time and you might not get further than the end of the road the first few times but he’ll soon get the clue that walking nicely next to you means he gets a treat. Have you got a stair gate? When you get home from a walk, dog goes for a nap and you go do something in another room. Again you might need to start small and build up slowly.

With anything on dog training, you’ll make progress and then they go back a few steps. So you just go back the beginning. Subsequent attempts are much quicker at going through the steps and it eventually comes back to them and sticks with them.

Is the mud from every walk or when they’re out in the garden? I’ve got a labrador and another dog but they’re not so muddy that the floor is coated in mud that I’m mopping up every day. So either you’re cleaning every speck of mud or you’re taking him somewhere exceptionally muddy. If our dogs are wet and muddy from a walk, we place a towel on the floor by their bed, they’re told to get on their beds and our dogs are used to having a nap after their walks. The mud dries as they nap and then you just Hoover it up, throw the towel in the washing machine. Dry him down as he comes in and you can get a mud daddy to wash him off. We have a box next to the front door which we Chuck our boots in but also dog towels. Again, get into the habit that you come in from a walk and he gets wiped down, even if he’s not muddy, you give him a treat and he goes for a nap. When you do things a few times, dogs start to get into that routine. We have the ‘magic biscuit tin’ because the dogs only get a biscuit from that tin if they’re on their beds. We can take the lid of that tin and the dogs can be at the bottom of the garden, they will run in and both jump on their beds and sit waiting patiently for their biscuit. It’s an engrained behaviour for them and these are the type of things you want to be working to. It will take a bit of time to get to that point but worth it.

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Why are you crate training the dog?

If he’s not used to a crate you will only make anxious. Forget the crate. Lower your cleaning standards. Find a behaviourist for a couple of visits.

One month is nothing, give it time.

Why did you want a dog in first place?

Because I'd been advised to from dog owning friends, to help our dog sleep downstairs. To give him a safe, quiet space away from the kids too.

I wanted a dog because I loved my gran's cocker spaniel growing up. I used to chat to him and loved our Sunday walks together. My five year old is quiet and anxious and loves animals. He chats to my mum's sprocker and I thought he'd like his own canine companion. (I realise that's not the case now). Our two kids, believe it or not, kept asking for their own dog, especially after seeing my mum and hers. I've just given up work and realised I now had the time (or at least I thought I had the time) to dedicate to a dog.