Struggling to bond with new dog

[PawPatrolAreOnARoll]

Hi. We have been very lucky and took on a 2.5 year old labrador from a local family who could no longer look after it. We've had the dog for a month.

He is an amazing dog, clearly from a loving home. He's very patient and gentle with my children, aged 3 and 5. We did a lot of breed research beforehand and took advice from friends who have similar aged children with similar breeds of dogs. It took six months to find this dog after a lot of searching and I've wanted a dog my whole life. So, I thought we'd gone down the right route.

But I'm now doubting we've done the right thing. All I seem to be able to do is focus on the difficulties we're having as dog owners and I feel a lot of resentment and little love towards the dog. I don't want to feel like this! What's wrong with me? How do I turn this around?

These are the things I'm struggling with:

1. The kids keep asking to give him back. I've reiterated that the dog is our responsibility now and we need to look after him. But they really don't like him. I've tried involving them in the dogs training, let them feed the dog, trying to involve them in playing games with him, encouraging them to stroke him. I think they're frustrated as we can no longer do the things we used to do and I need to focus some of attention on the dog that takes it away from them. I don't want my kids to be sad. My three year old spends a lot of the time hiding from the dog, and shielding her face if he runs past. My five year old hides on the back of the sofa. They're really scared of him and he's not aggressive at all.

2. The dog has major separation anxiety. Completely to be expected as he's lost his previous family. But he follows me everywhere, gets between me and the kids and will sometimes low level growl at them if they come to me for a hug. He won't sleep alone but goes into mild panic. So sleeps on the floor next to our bed and I get woken up to hyper licking to the face. Won't nap during the day if I move between rooms as has to follow me.

3. The mud. It's everywhere, sofa, floor, carpet, beds. My house stinks. The children hate it and cry because they end up walking in mud. I can't keep on top of it. Washing and drying the dog's paws has little impact. It just seems to stick to him and gradually gets wiped off around the house during the day. Everyday I'm cleaning the floor and it's taken so much time keeping on top of it.

4. The dog knocks the kids over a lot. My three year old has cuts on both her feet where the dog has accidently stood on her feet. And bruises all over her bottom, back and legs from being knocked over when the dog has side swiped us during a walk/run. I try to get her to stand by me, but he side swipes me. I try carrying her but the dog jumps up at her and growls. He knocked my five year old down the stairs yesterday. He's not a naughty dog, he's just young and bouncy, I guess.

5. Pulling on lead and barking at other dogs when on the lead. I've signed up for online training classes for these behaviours. But in the meantime I dread walks and spend so much of them apologising to other people.

6. I resent how much the dog has come between me and the kids and me and my OH. I knew dogs took up time but didn't realise how much time. I'm now severely limited on time I have to spend with the kids as I need to walk, train and clean up after the dog. My OH has moved to the spare room because the dog sleeps with me, and I miss him. But we live in a terrace house and don't like leaving the dog to bark downstairs. Also because the dog clearly gets very, vert distressed.

7. I have no free time now. I'm shattered every evening and any time I have then involves cleaning.

I'm trying to hard to look at the positives. The dog is getting me out on a morning for fresh air for one.

My friends with labs and kids keep saying that I'm overthinking it, the dog will just fit in, he's a good family orientated breed. They don't get why I'm struggling.

But I just feel resentment the rest of the time. When will I adjust and start to love the dog? What can I do to help?

I'll check out that FB group, thank you.

My daughter doesn't spend her day decorating the dog. The majority of the time my kids stay away from the dog. But he seems relaxed in his stance, tail wagging, no excessive panting, when they do go near him, besides the odd growling episode. The hug was while my husband was watching them and we've all sat down and discussed how dogs don't like hugs as it restricts their ability to escape.

I spoke to the previous owner's this evening. They gave him up as their older dog didn't like him. This wasn't mentioned at the time and we didn't meet the other dog, but there was an extra food bowl there, which I thought strange at the time.

They admitted he has barked and growled at small children on walks before and put it down to them being at the dog's eye level and hence confusing for the dog. Not convinced, but it's useful to know.

Yeah, maybe loving was the wrong word. But he usually seems relaxed around the kids. There's only been a few growling episodes, which I know if a few episodes too many, but my general impression over the last month is that he's a good natured dog.

I'm going to contact a behaviourist tomorrow and get the dog thoroughly assessed.

@PawPatrolAreOnARoll

We're giving him the recommended 1.5 - 2 hours physical exercise a day plus one of two training sessions for mental stimulation. He's not that fussed by puzzle toys though such as a kong so using obedience based games instead.

Because he's reactive, walks could actually be making his behaviour worse. I would advise that you read about trigger stacking OP, if you haven't already.

Can you walk him where he won't see any dogs? Can you hire a field and use that to exercise him? If you can't, I would consider finding other ways to tire him out (mentally not just physically), such as loose lead walking in your garden and scent work using high value treats.

I spoke to the previous owner's this evening. They gave him up as their older dog didn't like him. This wasn't mentioned at the time and we didn't meet the other dog, but there was an extra food bowl there, which I thought strange at the time.
But it took them 2.5 years of them not getting on?!! BS.

Their older dog didn’t like him and it took over 2 yrs for them to work that out - seriously @PawPatrolAreOnARoll they are telling you an absolute load of twaddle and I would be very concerned about the temperament of a dog that growled at children whilst out on walks if that’s honest . It’s also disgusting of them to sell such a dog to a house where there is a very small child .

You have a dog with three serious behavioural issues: resource guarding; lead reactivity/fear aggression; seperation anxiety.

Any one of those would be hard enough to deal with on it's own. Three is really tough.

You are a novice dog-owner, with limited time, and with young kids who are not dog savvy.

This is not a good combination.

I think there are two sensible routes forward:

1. Rehome via a sensible rescue.
2. The whole family commits to working with a competent behaviouralist (speak to your vet for recommendations). This will take significant time, work, and money.

Only you as a family can decide what is right for you. But if the drive to keep the dog is coming from your husband, he needs to shoulder a fair share of the work.

It’s also disgusting of them to sell such a dog to a house where there is a very small child

This.

And I agree totally with @Motorina. These are not issues that have started because of being rehomed. They are probably the reasons he was rehomed. And as a novice owner you run the risk of making these worse and putting your children at risk in the process. I have said it already, but i am genuinely concerned.

I cannot believe they rehomed a dog that growled at small children on walks to a home that has small children! That’s incredibly irresponsible. I’m far (very far) from being an expert but the sometimes growling at your children when they approach you seems very worrying to me.

Gosh OP, the previous owners have really pulled a fast one on you haven't they, offloading a dog with some serious issues.
I know you are already attached to this dog and you are trying to act responsibly towards him but seriously, come on, you have small children, you need to draw a line under this ASAP, put them first and hand him over to a rescue.

I think that's very wise to get him assessed, look for stressed signs like avoiding eye contact and yawning around the kids. Ladder of aggression here on PDSA website they've called it ladder of communication.

www.pdsa.org.uk/taking-care-of-your-pet/looking-after-your-pet/puppies-dogs/canine-ladder-of-communication

The more I learn about dogs ( and I'm on my 4th) the more I think I won't have another.

I spoke to the previous owner's this evening. They gave him up as their older dog didn't like him. This wasn't mentioned at the time and we didn't meet the other dog, but there was an extra food bowl there, which I thought strange at the time.

It wasn't mentioned because it's bollocks.

They've just offloaded their aggressive dog on you

The best thing about puppies (aside from the cuteness) is that they grow up within the family & learn the routine/rules etc. Bringing an older dog in can be more difficult than the puppy training phase for lots of reasons. You def need help & he needs proper training....some contradictions in your first post with how he interacts with kids....growling is not on. He likelh has the ability to be a great dog & fit in but you all nedd to learn how to do it including the dog. And dirt comes indoors on paws/snouts/bellies. It is just the way it is. I have a line of pawprints on tiles from back door thro utility into kitchen on wet days. Ours is trained not to jump unless invited so he doesn't destroy the place but nevertheless no light coloured or expensive fancy rugs on downstairs floors. He is great fun, a great loyal friend to our kidx & we all love him. Get proper assessment & training...you can turn this around...or at least give it your very very best attempt.

OP, the fact the dog resource guards is frightening enough but the owners saying it growls at kids at walks.
Come on.
The dog is not safe around children.
He needs a home without children.

My dog yesterday was accosted by a small child on a walk.
I tried to carry on walking because I knew the child was going to run at her but he managed to get infront of her anyway blocking her and started stroking her.
She wasn’t terribly pleased but sat and took it politely.
Ditto the next dog the child forced itself onto.
It’s rare but it does happen and you need to be mindful that this dogs guarding plus what the owners told you, if you found yourself in similar situation you could end up in an enormous amount of trouble when/if the dog bites.

That isn’t even going into the separation anxiety and the leash aggression/reactivity which are both very serious issues.

Hi everyone. Do we've seen a behaviourist and they're sure the dog is displaying completely normal behaviours after rehoming. They recommend distancing the children from the dog and reinforcing with them how to behave around the dog. Apparently it's a matter of giving it time and letting the dog settle.

The dog is now not following me around all the time too, so there's hope there too that he's starting to feel more confident away from me.

They’re not worried about a risk to children if they do something the dog isn’t happy about?

Hi everyone. Do we've seen a behaviourist and they're sure the dog is displaying completely normal behaviours after rehoming. They recommend distancing the children from the dog and reinforcing with them how to behave around the dog. Apparently it's a matter of giving it time and letting the dog settle
Who was this behaviourist registered with..?
For some bizarre reason there is no required qualifications in this field, any old fool can call themselves a ‘behaviourist’

The old owners themselves told you he growls at children on walks.
There’s no excuse of rehoming there, he was with his original family.
Dogs that are comfortable with kids don’t growl at them on walks...
I hope this ‘behaviourist’ is accredited with a proper, reputable organisation because frankly, claiming growling at kids (which was happening before he was rehomed) and reacting aggressively to children approaching you is normal behaviour for a rehomed dog, it sounds more than a bit off to me.

If you’re determined to keep him OP, you really need physical barriers. We have a very, very good natured rescue but with the best will in the world I am still constantly reminding DD6 of the rules about how and when to interact with the dog 8 weeks in. If she’d shown any inclination towards growling I’d be keeping them gated away from each other unless it’s a situation where my attention is 100% on dog and kids.

Watch this videos on this page, especially the first one - it helps explain the importance of listening to growling and keeping the kids and dogs separate. It’s great that you have faith in this dog OP, but it’s really not worth risking it until his behavioural issues are overcome

www.thefamilydog.com/stop-the-77

Thank you for your concern. The behaviourist is ADPT Level 3 trained.

The children are supervised with the dog or separated by a stairgate.

The behaviourist said she's come across a lot of dogs that are nervous around children after lockdown and lack of socialisation, but with time and my children behaving appropriately, our dog will understand children aren't a threat. Rehoming also leads to separation anxiety and resource guarding if new owners but this should lessen with time. But I will keep them fully supervised together until that is the case.

[quote CityDweller]Watch this videos on this page, especially the first one - it helps explain the importance of listening to growling and keeping the kids and dogs separate. It’s great that you have faith in this dog OP, but it’s really not worth risking it until his behavioural issues are overcome

www.thefamilydog.com/stop-the-77[/quote]
That's a really helpful page, thank you. I'll explore it with the kids tomorrow.

Going back to my OP, I'm feeling more bonded to the dog today. I'm getting better at accepting the new norm house-wise and routine-wise. I've spent more time just chilling with the dog when I can and just stroking and grooming him.

If his anxiety & aggression behaviours are de-escalating too, without any aversion teaining, I think that's a positive sign?