Struggling to bond with new dog

[PawPatrolAreOnARoll]

Hi. We have been very lucky and took on a 2.5 year old labrador from a local family who could no longer look after it. We've had the dog for a month.

He is an amazing dog, clearly from a loving home. He's very patient and gentle with my children, aged 3 and 5. We did a lot of breed research beforehand and took advice from friends who have similar aged children with similar breeds of dogs. It took six months to find this dog after a lot of searching and I've wanted a dog my whole life. So, I thought we'd gone down the right route.

But I'm now doubting we've done the right thing. All I seem to be able to do is focus on the difficulties we're having as dog owners and I feel a lot of resentment and little love towards the dog. I don't want to feel like this! What's wrong with me? How do I turn this around?

These are the things I'm struggling with:

1. The kids keep asking to give him back. I've reiterated that the dog is our responsibility now and we need to look after him. But they really don't like him. I've tried involving them in the dogs training, let them feed the dog, trying to involve them in playing games with him, encouraging them to stroke him. I think they're frustrated as we can no longer do the things we used to do and I need to focus some of attention on the dog that takes it away from them. I don't want my kids to be sad. My three year old spends a lot of the time hiding from the dog, and shielding her face if he runs past. My five year old hides on the back of the sofa. They're really scared of him and he's not aggressive at all.

2. The dog has major separation anxiety. Completely to be expected as he's lost his previous family. But he follows me everywhere, gets between me and the kids and will sometimes low level growl at them if they come to me for a hug. He won't sleep alone but goes into mild panic. So sleeps on the floor next to our bed and I get woken up to hyper licking to the face. Won't nap during the day if I move between rooms as has to follow me.

3. The mud. It's everywhere, sofa, floor, carpet, beds. My house stinks. The children hate it and cry because they end up walking in mud. I can't keep on top of it. Washing and drying the dog's paws has little impact. It just seems to stick to him and gradually gets wiped off around the house during the day. Everyday I'm cleaning the floor and it's taken so much time keeping on top of it.

4. The dog knocks the kids over a lot. My three year old has cuts on both her feet where the dog has accidently stood on her feet. And bruises all over her bottom, back and legs from being knocked over when the dog has side swiped us during a walk/run. I try to get her to stand by me, but he side swipes me. I try carrying her but the dog jumps up at her and growls. He knocked my five year old down the stairs yesterday. He's not a naughty dog, he's just young and bouncy, I guess.

5. Pulling on lead and barking at other dogs when on the lead. I've signed up for online training classes for these behaviours. But in the meantime I dread walks and spend so much of them apologising to other people.

6. I resent how much the dog has come between me and the kids and me and my OH. I knew dogs took up time but didn't realise how much time. I'm now severely limited on time I have to spend with the kids as I need to walk, train and clean up after the dog. My OH has moved to the spare room because the dog sleeps with me, and I miss him. But we live in a terrace house and don't like leaving the dog to bark downstairs. Also because the dog clearly gets very, vert distressed.

7. I have no free time now. I'm shattered every evening and any time I have then involves cleaning.

I'm trying to hard to look at the positives. The dog is getting me out on a morning for fresh air for one.

My friends with labs and kids keep saying that I'm overthinking it, the dog will just fit in, he's a good family orientated breed. They don't get why I'm struggling.

But I just feel resentment the rest of the time. When will I adjust and start to love the dog? What can I do to help?

@idontlikealdi

I think you need to revisit why you wanted a dog in the first place and see if you can reconcile it with the reality.

Did the kids ever show interest in having a dog?

You did pick a stinky, slobbery, hairy breed though...

Yes, they asked for a dog a lot and came to visit other dogs beforehand with me, that we ended up deeming not suitable. They're used to my mum's sprocker but I guess living with a dog, and a dog they haven't grown up with, is very different.

@QuentinBunbury

Oh poor you it's a big change to get a dog and overwhelming With respect to specific practical things to do: 1) children - try to get them involved in fun things with the dog. Maybe training him to sit/paw for a treat. Hiding toys and getting him to find them. Taking them on walks with him and playing. Try to have fun with him in front of them.

2. you need helpfrom a trainer. I think I would probably teach him a sit/wait, do thar when the kids want a cuddle anf treat him extensively if he sits quietly. My dog doesn't like being shut in but is happy being shut out if that makes sense. So he hasa bed time routine and goes to bed in the kitchen, I shut my bedroom door but not the kitchen door. Quite often he's asleep outside my door when I get up but he doesn't disturb me

3. mud - get a mud daddy cleaner and a drying coat. When you get back from walks wash his feet and undercarriage thoroughly and put the drying coat on (towel his paws). It will really help.

4. halti headcollar will help loads with pulling. Treats and getting him to look at you when other dogs are around willhelp too.

Have you read "easy peasy puppysqueezy"? It's got really basic but straightforward training techniques that are invaluable. Such as how to train your dog to focus on you with commands.

Thank you so much for all the tips. He will sit and do paw for my kids and me so I will encourage that with them giving treats. I like your other ideas, thank you, although walks are typically ending up with complaining children and me stupidly saying, "the dog needs a walk" which probably doesn't help them liking him! I'll try and be more positive with those.

I've tried a bedtime routine and keeping doors open throughout the house but the poor dog just weeded everywhere and went hysterical with barking. He really has terrible separation anxiety.

I'll try and find a trainer.

I'll look up the coat and cleaner. Thank you! The mud is driving me crazy!

I'm already trying look at me training around other dogs. I've been a bit scared of a halti lead. Will it hurt him?

I'll also look up easy-peasy puppy-squezzy.

You really need to take control of this situation.

Stop the dog being on the stairs when the children are on the stairs.

Get stair and door gates and put them on most of the rooms.

When the dog is muddy (where do you live ? we are desperate or rain here no mud for months!) towel dry and leave in a room so the mud does not go all over the house.

Do not have the dog on the stairs when the children are on the stairs

Let the children interact with you when the dog is not with you. The dog should not be between you and the children.

Understandably the children are wary of a large bouncy labrador keep them apart until they get used to each other. So either side of a gate for the time being.

Personally I do not let my dogs upstairs or in my bedroom ever! for many reasons but when my children were little they had a place to play without a dog in the way, kept upstairs nice and clean.

If the dog does not sleep on his own yet sleep downstairs and gradually increase the distance from the dog each night until you get back to your bed.

BUT the most important thing that will make this work is to get in a qualified 121 trainer asap who can assess your situation and give you help in your specific situation. First time dog owning is hard let someone with experience help you. You will get results much quicker.

I am really puzzled by the mud thing.

I have a spaniel. Long fluffy hair on tummy and legs. He is white, we walk in a nature reserve and in winter when we come home he is literally black with mud on his undercarriage and legs.
I turn the hose on and rinse him off.
Go in house, wrap in very ordinary bath towel and rub him dry. Rub his legs and use the towel to wriggle and dry between his toes.
He still looks wet, but he never ever leaves mud.

I don't know what you are doing. Shampooing him every day is not sustainable.

most of what you are struggling with is time and training. Where he sleeps, following you round, barking, pulling, you just need time and patience and a willingness to train him.

But the growling over you and your kids is not right, and sounds worrying. Growling is a dog's way of telling you how unhappy he is, next step is nipping, or snapping.
You need to rethink some of this.

As a help, I would put a stair gate somewhere, and put dog and his bed on one side, so he can see you and feel safe but not be glued to your side.

@BowTieBob

I would worry about the growling. No wonder the kids are scared if he's knocking them down the stairs! You do need to nip that in the bud. Has he got a space away from the kids and them him? I would definitely do that first of all

I find the mud thing odd. We have a dog who is the messiest and muckiest but we still don't have mud everywhere and we are not cleaning him that much (and he's longer haired than a lab).

I would book an appointment with a behaviourist to get to the bottom of the growling/pushing dc issue ASAP before you make it worse unintentionally

I think he's just clumsy rather than malicious. But my kids are getting injured which isn't great.

We got him the crate and made it as lovely as possible, covered with a blanket, contains his old bed and blanket, so he's have his own space. Lots of pre-warning the kids that that was the dog's space and not to go in it.

And then the dog avoided the crate.

Our house isn't really set up so there's a quiet room for the dog. Hence getting the crate.

I'll try and find a behaviourist.

Do you share walks? DDog stopped being glued to my side once DH and I shared walks. Kids should be feeding the dog - even if they just fling kibble in a bowl. It involves them and shows the dog that they are good people to have around. Also games like hunt the kibble - literally just throwing food on to patio and grass.

Have you got kongs and lickimats to calm and occupy?

A behaviouralist will definitely help support you. Your vets should be able to recommend.

Adapting to having a dog takes time - it is a big leap and we've changed a lot of our pre dog life to fit in, the kids weren't impressed to start with but a year one she's the first "person" they run to after school.

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating something, but separation anxiety + lunging/barking at other dogs are classic symptoms of a very insecure, fear-aggressive dog. If you do decide to keep him, I recommend you work intensively with a good behaviourist who uses counter-conditioning techniques. Run a mile from anyone who talks about packs, dominance or follows Cesar Milan methods.

However there would be no judgement from me if you decided that his issues were too difficult for you to cope with, especially with a young family (there is a reason many rescues won't rehome to families with children of the age of your DCs). I've had gundogs my whole life but dealing with a fear-aggressive-with-other-dogs rescue Lab was an emotionally draining experience. We stuck at it and he did improve but it was slow process and didn't take much to knock him back, and we had the luxury of being an adult-only household who could be 100% consistent in his training and handling. If you do decide to rehome him though, please do try to find a reputable rescue who will assess him thoroughly and offer any future home ongoing support.

In the meantime, the most important piece of advice I can give is don't ever scold him for growling if you're ever tempted to (you don't mention it but it's easily done when you're feeling understandably protective of your children) - it's your early-warning system, and his way of saying "I feel really uncomfortable here", and if he's scolded all that will happen is he learns to suppress the growl stage and move straight to silent biting. Just quietly and calmly remove your children from the immediate situation.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Sorry,I can't seem to reply to each message anymore.

I keep having moments of wanting to rehome. But he did live happily with children before. And I don't want to give up on him.

The mud isn't just a little bit, trust me. There's muddy pawprints now embedded in the stairs and landing carpet. Two large muddy circles on the downstairs floor, where he's rolled after his walk. He brings small stones and bark in from our garden everytime he does out. I think the kids are more upset when those stick into their feet than the mud per se. But they do hear me say, "one minute, let me clear this up before it gets trodden further into the house" so maybe they're picking up on my feelings. I usually only mop once a week and I'm used to some mud but we have a big garden and this dog seems to bring the majority of it in with him when he goes out! On walks, yes, I have been searching out interesting places for the dog that allow off lead walking and running as it's not fun walking him on a lead and I want him to have fun and get enough exercise. Inevitably these places contain water or mud somewhere and he goes straight for it. He is often black with sticky mud from the middle down.

That's great advice about the growling. Thank you.

Yes, we share walks. I do the long one in the morning as I'm a SAHM and my husband does a shorter one after work.

My kids help with feeding. Together, we've tried scatter feeding, filling a long with soft and hard food and making a treat box filled with scrunched up paper and treats. And the dog has taken no interest! in fact you've reminded me I need to clean the kibble off the lawn before I attract foxes. I've tried demonstrating how to find the food. But as soon as I leave him to do it himself he just looks at me and then follows me. He's not what I expected from a lab.

Out of interest OP why didn’t you get a puppy ?

OP he is not 'patient & gentle' with the kids if he is growling at them & hurting them.
You need to tackle his seperation anxiety & resource guarding tendencies before they get worse.
The childrens body language will let the dog know they are nervous & scared of him which may put him even more on edge.
A qualified behaviourist is a must, I think.

well mud - hose him down after a walk, a towel won't touch black sticky stuff, hose down, towel off, then in his bed for a while.
Get a turtle mat, these a very water absorbing. Get a large one by back door. When he comes in from the garden, stop and wait on the mat. Every single time.
Stop. Wait. when he is standing still praise him. Count to 20, then let him off the mat. This will sort out the garden mud. (well not completely!)

He doesn't like the crate, so get rid of it. Instead put a really good-sized bed in it place, as much in a corner/out of the way as possible.
make this his safe place and reinforce it many times a day. Have a command ours is - In your bed. Send him to his bed, reward him with a treat when he goes. No one allowed to pet him in his bed.

As soon as he CHOOSES to go to his bed, you know that you can get him to sleep down stairs

I've not rtwt but with muddy paws coming in from the garden we got a large heavy duty mat. I taught him to chase his tail 7 times in each direction as soon as he came in. He used to be really energetic to get it over to come in and did a much better job than I could!

So we have doors and stairgates and the dog goes crazy when we shut them. We've got a gate between the playroom and the living room but everytime I go in there to play with the kids, the dog goes crazy. Barking, whining, biting the gate. The kids get quite distressed by this so eventually I cave and go comfort the dog. Also the neighbours have complained about the barking, and they're not reasonable neighbours I can placate.

I'll try the mat and twirling, thank you

Thank you re. the bed command. I'll try and train him to do that next. I'll try a turtle mat and getting him to dry his paws on that. We don't have a hose by the front door but I'll have a think what else we can do there.

I guess I describe him as gentle and loving as he will let me three year old hug him and put daisies on him. My five year old will give him a tentative stroke and feed him treats but is otherwise nervous. But then he'll suddenly switch to growling at them. Wouldn't let my five year old across the landing to me the other day. I will contact a behaviourist.

@Floralnomad

Out of interest OP why didn’t you get a puppy ?

I wanted to avoid the training #naïve

Also I was told puppies bite and chew. Which to be fair this dog doesn't do.

My first thing would be to work on the seperation anxiety. Once he is comfortable being in a room on his own, his confidence will grow, he will relax & be less stressed, as will you.
So it's start small, work up. When he is relaxed & calm on his bed, in a down stay, you stand up. Then sit down again, & praise him if he has stayed still. If not, it's down stay/in your bed/settle, whatever command you use. Then try again.
Work this up in tiny stages (stand up, walk around, walk to door, open door, leave room & return, leave room & close door then return, leave room for one minute etc etc) all the way to the time when you can leave the room & the house without him following you.
I'd agree with forgetting the crate but definitely having a bed, either a raised bed or plastic one etc which is his space that no one goes in.

We also send the dog to his bed when we are eating to stop begging. He can see the table from his bed, so once he got used to it, he is happy to curl up while we are eating.
All those moments also underline the message, you are OK on your own.

But the more you say, the more I think this family has done you a diservice. I think they have rehomed him because of some of these behaviours round the children.

I woudl contact them, and ask them honestly if he ever growled at their kids.

If a dog was growling at my kids, I’d look to rehome immediately. I’m assuming you never leave them together without supervising the whole time?

A lab will find a nice home. I’d contact dogs trust and get started, and keep the dog away from kids in the meantime.

Also, I wouldn't let the kids interact with him AT ALL until he is less stressed. He is clearly uncomfortable around them, even if he does tolerate their attention, & they might unexpectedly scare or hurt him.
Dog body language is sometimes counter intuitive to what we expect. Ask the kids to give him plenty of space & don't get in his face (certainly no hugs 😱 or putting stuff on him) until he is less anxious & better trained.
Have a look at KAD (kids & dogs) on Facebook.

Perhaps the children in the previous home weren’t treating him as they should and giving him space so he has become wary of kids