Struggling to bond with new dog

[PawPatrolAreOnARoll]

Hi. We have been very lucky and took on a 2.5 year old labrador from a local family who could no longer look after it. We've had the dog for a month.

He is an amazing dog, clearly from a loving home. He's very patient and gentle with my children, aged 3 and 5. We did a lot of breed research beforehand and took advice from friends who have similar aged children with similar breeds of dogs. It took six months to find this dog after a lot of searching and I've wanted a dog my whole life. So, I thought we'd gone down the right route.

But I'm now doubting we've done the right thing. All I seem to be able to do is focus on the difficulties we're having as dog owners and I feel a lot of resentment and little love towards the dog. I don't want to feel like this! What's wrong with me? How do I turn this around?

These are the things I'm struggling with:

1. The kids keep asking to give him back. I've reiterated that the dog is our responsibility now and we need to look after him. But they really don't like him. I've tried involving them in the dogs training, let them feed the dog, trying to involve them in playing games with him, encouraging them to stroke him. I think they're frustrated as we can no longer do the things we used to do and I need to focus some of attention on the dog that takes it away from them. I don't want my kids to be sad. My three year old spends a lot of the time hiding from the dog, and shielding her face if he runs past. My five year old hides on the back of the sofa. They're really scared of him and he's not aggressive at all.

2. The dog has major separation anxiety. Completely to be expected as he's lost his previous family. But he follows me everywhere, gets between me and the kids and will sometimes low level growl at them if they come to me for a hug. He won't sleep alone but goes into mild panic. So sleeps on the floor next to our bed and I get woken up to hyper licking to the face. Won't nap during the day if I move between rooms as has to follow me.

3. The mud. It's everywhere, sofa, floor, carpet, beds. My house stinks. The children hate it and cry because they end up walking in mud. I can't keep on top of it. Washing and drying the dog's paws has little impact. It just seems to stick to him and gradually gets wiped off around the house during the day. Everyday I'm cleaning the floor and it's taken so much time keeping on top of it.

4. The dog knocks the kids over a lot. My three year old has cuts on both her feet where the dog has accidently stood on her feet. And bruises all over her bottom, back and legs from being knocked over when the dog has side swiped us during a walk/run. I try to get her to stand by me, but he side swipes me. I try carrying her but the dog jumps up at her and growls. He knocked my five year old down the stairs yesterday. He's not a naughty dog, he's just young and bouncy, I guess.

5. Pulling on lead and barking at other dogs when on the lead. I've signed up for online training classes for these behaviours. But in the meantime I dread walks and spend so much of them apologising to other people.

6. I resent how much the dog has come between me and the kids and me and my OH. I knew dogs took up time but didn't realise how much time. I'm now severely limited on time I have to spend with the kids as I need to walk, train and clean up after the dog. My OH has moved to the spare room because the dog sleeps with me, and I miss him. But we live in a terrace house and don't like leaving the dog to bark downstairs. Also because the dog clearly gets very, vert distressed.

7. I have no free time now. I'm shattered every evening and any time I have then involves cleaning.

I'm trying to hard to look at the positives. The dog is getting me out on a morning for fresh air for one.

My friends with labs and kids keep saying that I'm overthinking it, the dog will just fit in, he's a good family orientated breed. They don't get why I'm struggling.

But I just feel resentment the rest of the time. When will I adjust and start to love the dog? What can I do to help?

I have to say, I completely sympathise, and I do think some people are just not dog people. I found this out the hard way when we had a trial foster period with a rescue dog, I simply was not prepared for the level of commitment and the issues he would come with (the rescue were not honest with us unfortunately) . We had to give him back to the rescue which broke my heart and my 2 DS were very upset as he was such a lovely dog but we had no guarantee that even with intensive training we could have solved his problems. Sometimes it's better to just admit defeat and rehome to an experienced owner who is aware of the issues.

It’s still early days....it can take months for a dog to settle in. Your children are very small to have to put up with any issues....most rescues won’t rehome to homes with young children.

@steppemum

We also send the dog to his bed when we are eating to stop begging. He can see the table from his bed, so once he got used to it, he is happy to curl up while we are eating. All those moments also underline the message, you are OK on your own.

But the more you say, the more I think this family has done you a diservice. I think they have rehomed him because of some of these behaviours round the children.

I woudl contact them, and ask them honestly if he ever growled at their kids.

I completely agree.

Did you really think that people sell on perfectly well trained and well adjusted 2yr old labradors , it’s obvious when you are buying from a private home that at least half of what you are being told is complete s**t .

@PawPatrolAreOnARoll

I guess I describe him as gentle and loving as he will let me three year old hug him and put daisies on him. My five year old will give him a tentative stroke and feed him treats but is otherwise nervous. But then he'll suddenly switch to growling at them. Wouldn't let my five year old across the landing to me the other day. I will contact a behaviourist.

Please stop allowing your kids to hug him and mess with him like this. A lot of dogs would hate this and he sounds anxious enough already.

I would get a behavioural assessment from a qualified behaviourist ASAP. In the meantime, I would not encourage the kids to interact with him by giving him food or picking up his toys. He's already shown that he's insecure around them by guarding you. What if he starts to do the same with food or toys?

Also, if he's scared of your kids, he may approach them for a treat but then panic when he realises how close he is to them and lash out defensively.

I also suspect the previous family removed him because their children were not safe with him. Very naughty of them to let you take him.

It took us a year for our rescue to feel like our dog. I had days I really regretted it but we are three years in now and we all adore him. Literally can not imagine being without him. Please give it more time it will all work out im sure. With regards to the pulling on lead you need to buy a halti that goes round the nose and clips up round the back of the neck. It's not cruel atall they are nice and soft but impossible for the dog to pull when it's used correctly Also the mud. We invested in lazy lawn fake grass in the garden best thing we ever bought

@PawPatrolAreOnARoll
Clearly the dog had major SA before they rehomed him.
So dishonest of them not to inform you.

@PawPatrolAreOnARoll

Hi. We have been very lucky and took on a 2.5 year old labrador from a local family who could no longer look after it. We've had the dog for a month.

He is an amazing dog, clearly from a loving home. He's very patient and gentle with my children, aged 3 and 5. We did a lot of breed research beforehand and took advice from friends who have similar aged children with similar breeds of dogs. It took six months to find this dog after a lot of searching and I've wanted a dog my whole life. So, I thought we'd gone down the right route.

But I'm now doubting we've done the right thing. All I seem to be able to do is focus on the difficulties we're having as dog owners and I feel a lot of resentment and little love towards the dog. I don't want to feel like this! What's wrong with me? How do I turn this around?

These are the things I'm struggling with:

1. The kids keep asking to give him back. I've reiterated that the dog is our responsibility now and we need to look after him. But they really don't like him. I've tried involving them in the dogs training, let them feed the dog, trying to involve them in playing games with him, encouraging them to stroke him. I think they're frustrated as we can no longer do the things we used to do and I need to focus some of attention on the dog that takes it away from them. I don't want my kids to be sad. My three year old spends a lot of the time hiding from the dog, and shielding her face if he runs past. My five year old hides on the back of the sofa. They're really scared of him and he's not aggressive at all.

2. The dog has major separation anxiety. Completely to be expected as he's lost his previous family. But he follows me everywhere, gets between me and the kids and will sometimes low level growl at them if they come to me for a hug. He won't sleep alone but goes into mild panic. So sleeps on the floor next to our bed and I get woken up to hyper licking to the face. Won't nap during the day if I move between rooms as has to follow me.

3. The mud. It's everywhere, sofa, floor, carpet, beds. My house stinks. The children hate it and cry because they end up walking in mud. I can't keep on top of it. Washing and drying the dog's paws has little impact. It just seems to stick to him and gradually gets wiped off around the house during the day. Everyday I'm cleaning the floor and it's taken so much time keeping on top of it.

4. The dog knocks the kids over a lot. My three year old has cuts on both her feet where the dog has accidently stood on her feet. And bruises all over her bottom, back and legs from being knocked over when the dog has side swiped us during a walk/run. I try to get her to stand by me, but he side swipes me. I try carrying her but the dog jumps up at her and growls. He knocked my five year old down the stairs yesterday. He's not a naughty dog, he's just young and bouncy, I guess.

5. Pulling on lead and barking at other dogs when on the lead. I've signed up for online training classes for these behaviours. But in the meantime I dread walks and spend so much of them apologising to other people.

6. I resent how much the dog has come between me and the kids and me and my OH. I knew dogs took up time but didn't realise how much time. I'm now severely limited on time I have to spend with the kids as I need to walk, train and clean up after the dog. My OH has moved to the spare room because the dog sleeps with me, and I miss him. But we live in a terrace house and don't like leaving the dog to bark downstairs. Also because the dog clearly gets very, vert distressed.

7. I have no free time now. I'm shattered every evening and any time I have then involves cleaning.

I'm trying to hard to look at the positives. The dog is getting me out on a morning for fresh air for one.

My friends with labs and kids keep saying that I'm overthinking it, the dog will just fit in, he's a good family orientated breed. They don't get why I'm struggling.

But I just feel resentment the rest of the time. When will I adjust and start to love the dog? What can I do to help?

OP, your opening post is full of contradictions. You say his original family didn't have time for him, but that he's an amazing dog. But then you go on to list several serious problems with his behaviour:

• separation anxiety
• poor behaviour around children
• pulling and lead reactivity (that is what the barking and lunging is)

This is a big reason why you should never rehome a dog from a random stranger on the internet. Nobody is ever honest about their dogs' faults - either because they just want a quick sale, or because they have a rose-tinted view of what their dog is like.

You have taken on a dog with some quite serious behavioural problems. If you don't have time, money and knowledge to address these with a professional, then it would be in everyone's best interests for the dog to be re-homed via a reputable rescue.

First thing: please stop your children hugging the dog and doing the daisy chain thing; most dogs don't enjoy hugging and it's a common trigger for dogs escalating their behaviour in unwanted ways.

Then, please get a good trainer in to see what's happening in your home and help you deal with it accordingly. Your descriptions of his behaviour are a bit confusing and you need someone to physically see what interactions are taking place.

It's all too easy (and dangerous) to be given and to take the wrong advice online. This sounds like a pretty much untrained, insecure dog with various anxieties and issues needing professional help. Those issues will have taken time to acquire, they won't have happened instantly on him coming home to you.

I very much doubt you were told the whole story about this dog; were you given paperwork? Does he have a vaccination card? Microchip paperwork? KC registration? You might find his history doesn't add up.

The dog was with children who were 5 and 7 years old, so a bit older. They gave him up for "personal reasons"
Because he resource guards and they were worried for the safety of their kids more like.

I would never, ever have a dog that resource guards around children.
Especially one as a big and strong as a Labrador.
He needs to go an experienced home without children through a reputable Labrador rescue imo.

This is one of the reasons you should go through legitimate rescues when rehoming dogs because they would have made a proper assessment of the dog and any issues to be aware of and a proper assessment of you and your family and whether you’d have been suitable owners. They are also there to provide support and guidance with training etc going forward.
This is a scenario that should never have happened and whilst I’m a big a believer in not giving up animals you take on, forcing a situation to continue like this could be dangerous for all parties involved.
It is early doors for him to be settling in but your posts are incredibly contradictory and frankly quite concerning that you’re way in over your head and have taken on a dog with more issues than you might be able to handle. Although taking on any rehomed animal and thinking you won’t need resining was beyond naive. But then so was this entire venture.
You need a good trainer. Urgently. To work with you and the dog in your house. But honestly, as an experienced rescuer, I remain very concerned about the situation.
Please I beg you, if you do rehome him. Go to a PROPER rescue. Do not pass on via social media or other randoms.

Honestly if you have a dog you should of expected mud Hair and water.Labrador’s shed incredibly. I have two long haired very fluffy dogs who don’t shed as much Labrador’s do.Labrador’s are also bouncy when young- and 2.5 is still young.My so had one and friends have them as gun dogs.It maybe the dog was given up as it had issues- and it should’ve been surrender to a breed rescue not a family with young children .Poor bloody dog .I would say hand over to breed rescue and I’m normally for getting a behaviourist in but if the kids are scared then do t bother- the dog sounds very unhappy

I have only had a puppy but from other posts it seems like puppy blues also apply to rescue blues.

You have different challenges but feeling sad for your former life and feeling overwhelmed is the same.

It took me months to bond with my puppy. But now he is loved so much and is that adult dog that I dreamt about.

You do need to find a good trainer or behaviourist if you think the issues are more than training. Don't worry if you don't gel with the first, just keep going to find someone who gets you and the dog.

If I could turn the clock back I would also look at doing fun activities that help the bond rather than just obedience training.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

My first thing would be to work on the seperation anxiety. Once he is comfortable being in a room on his own, his confidence will grow, he will relax & be less stressed, as will you. So it's start small, work up. When he is relaxed & calm on his bed, in a down stay, you stand up. Then sit down again, & praise him if he has stayed still. If not, it's down stay/in your bed/settle, whatever command you use. Then try again. Work this up in tiny stages (stand up, walk around, walk to door, open door, leave room & return, leave room & close door then return, leave room for one minute etc etc) all the way to the time when you can leave the room & the house without him following you. I'd agree with forgetting the crate but definitely having a bed, either a raised bed or plastic one etc which is his space that no one goes in.

this is brilliant advice

@Turquoisesol

Perhaps the children in the previous home weren’t treating him as they should and giving him space so he has become wary of kids

I wondered this too. They have rehomed him for a reason , and they have made him an anxious dog who is unhappy and stressed . In trying to avoid training you have actually chosen a dog that will need a lot more training and work than a puppy. I feel sorry for all of you, it is clear you are trying to be a good owner, but it is also clear that he is not a happy dog.

He may have been shut in a crate before, and so be scared of it,

@PawPatrolAreOnARoll

This is such a sad story. I do think that, whatever your friends might have said, introducing a large and boisterous dog into a family with such young children was a mistake. If they're not used to dogs, suddenly introducing an unpredictable creature that must seem enormous to them must be quite a shock.

I'm afraid mud goes with the territory! But is it really as bad as you say? We have 3 labs (including a 2 year old) and live in the countryside. And yes, they do get mucky so if you're going to keep the dog you'll have to lower your standards, invest in lots of throws for furniture and beds and just recognise that it's only a bit of dirt. In fact children that grow up in households that aren't scrupulously clean and have pets generally develop better immune systems.

I can honestly say I've never had a pet - dog or cat - where I haven't spent the first few weeks asking myself what I've done. But I always end up worshipping them! You're certainly not the first person to feel like you do now. Our youngest lab is almost 2 and we acquired him at 11 weeks from someone that just couldn't cope with a puppy. As I type he's lying on the sofa next to me with a very muddy nose (no doubt from digging holes), farting from time to time. I can see he's smeared mud on the recently cleaned carpet and he's whimpering intermittently because he knows I have biscuits. He's also absolutely and utterly gorgeous.

You've had some excellent advice on here and you're obviously taking it on board so I hope it helps and you learn to love your dog (but if you don't, let me know and I'll have him!)

After hosing him down put him in a drying coat so that he can't drip slightly mucky water on the carpet etc https://ruffandtumbledogcoats.com/collections/dog-drying-coats?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpuLUptSm8AIVGrrtCh2LzguxEAAYAiAAEgJPmDD_BwE

I totally get the appeal of taking on an older dog to avoid the puppy stage (although I absolutely adore our little pug puppy- he is the centre of our lives at the moment), but taking on such a large breed from private sellers is such a huge risk and very unwise with very young children.

You have no idea if he lived happily with the other children or not, where did you even find the advert for the dog?!

You must get a specialist in immediately. No fucking about, ASAP. Keep your children separate, he is resource guarding, and frankly they seem too young to know how to behave with a dog.

Time and time again I see people have dogs with small children when they have no experience of raising a dog, let alone raising a dog with children.

And taking a large dog home from a random advert... Better not go there.

This group has been mentioned already here but this is a direct link

www.facebook.com/groups/374160792599484/?ref=share

I’d recommend joining ASAP and going straight to the units on reading body language, and the ones on dogs and kids. I would hazard a guess he is not as comfortable with your DC as you think.

But these things do happen and it doesn’t mean that no dog would be suitable for you. We unsuccessfully adopted a young rescue dog last summer. Totally naive, complete idiots for doing it. Luckily we had rescue back up and were able to safely rehome her where she is very settled in a totally different environment. It was still awful in every possible way though. Roll forward 9 months and a local rescue was desperate for foster homes - we volunteered and fell in love, we’re now a couple of months in with an older rescue and it couldn’t be more different. If you decide to rehome, take a breath and regroup before deciding if a dog really is the way for you. If not, give it a few months and there will be loads of people looking for dog sitters which might be a better option - all the cuddles/walks and none of the commitment!

I he/she getting enough exercise? It really does help with anxiety for the dog. A tired dog is a happy dog.

We're giving him the recommended 1.5 - 2 hours physical exercise a day plus one of two training sessions for mental stimulation. He's not that fussed by puzzle toys though such as a kong so using obedience based games instead.

Your post says he's loving, but he is growling at the children. Did the previous owners declare any issues with him? It does sound like separation anxiety, I've had 3 labs and none have suffered,but I have a very anxious spaniel so I know the feeling.

I personally don't have an issue with dogs in the bedroom although I don't allow them on the bed. If you are then you will need to sort this before DH moves back in. I would use a room separator or the extra tall stair gate ( assuming he won't jump) to have him either in the bedroom or just outside the open door. Slow steps.

And dogs are a lot of work and mud. Paws wiped on coming and lots of hoovering.