DH & I disagree it's time to say goodbye to our pup

Peachy92 · 2021-02-02T16:04:42+00:00

Won't go into every detail but our dog is a senior who's been diagnosed with a nasty cancer. We cannot afford the treatment for her (even with insurance) to remove the tumours and even if we did the prognosis is very poor. We've done what we can in my opinion and I love this dog I truly do. But all I see is suffering and a dog who's not happy. Medicine makes her sick, she barely eats, is incontinent most days. Doesn't interact much but mostly wants to be left in her bed. To me there's no real quality of life and just because one day she might eat a few times and enjoy a walk it doesn't make up for the bad days outweighing the good. We both get very frustrated because we're all stuck in the house together with 2 young children and the constant mess and in / outs to the garden or just wandering aimlessly back and forth whilst we're working is testing. She doesn't know what she wants. We offer different food or treats or try and fuss over her but nothing is right. The dog seems mostly unhappy and it's causing the time we have left with her to be a lot less happy than it used to be. I feel it's time to say goodbye for everyone's sake but my partner thinks it's too soon. I wouldn't mind if he didn't get so frustrated with the dog but he does! So why let it continue?! I've tried explaining that no matter what, we're going to have to say goodbye soon and the longer this goes on the worse it'll be for us all. Hoping it'll happen peacefully at home one night is wishful thinking to me and I'd rather not let her suffer more and more.

BiteyShark · 02/02/2021 16:08

Can you get him to list all the things your dog enjoyed from your dogs point of view and the last time that happened alongside all the symptoms she is experiencing now.

Maybe in black and white having to look at it from yours dogs position rather than from his he might see that it would be kinder to say goodbye now rather than let her suffer more.

for you both

jerriblank · 02/02/2021 16:13

I'm so sorry, it really is the worst thing.
I'll echo the poster above me. Make a list of all the things she enjoyed, and when she was last able to do them. Then write all the things that she is having to deal with, then ask him if he thinks she has any quality of life.
In my opinion it's better to let them go earlier than too late.
She'll be thankful to you, I promise. And if it's in her best interest, it's always the right thing to do.

Drinkarsefeck · 02/02/2021 16:19

If your partner leaves it too late he will have terrible regrets, and to know that a dog is potentially in pain and feeling grim at best it is cruel to force them to live because its hard to say goodbye. They rarely die peacefully in their sleep, much kinder to let them go a day too soon than a day too late, but by your description it is beyond a day too soon now.

CookEatRepeat · 02/02/2021 16:21

As PP said, better a week too soon than a day too late. It doesn't sound like your beloved dog is at all happy, just existing.

Drinkarsefeck · 02/02/2021 16:21

Just to add that dogs live in the now, they have no concept of waiting to see if they feel better in ten minutes or ten days, euthanasia can be a relief for them.

Willow4987 · 02/02/2021 16:23

Our vet always said to us with our very sick cat, it’s always better to go a day too soon rather than a day too late

SingingLoud · 02/02/2021 16:25

My vet had a very stern conversation with me about my elderly cat, when I objected that “he’s still eating and drinking” and he told me in no uncertain terms that eating and drinking are the most basic functions of staying alive, and are no indicator of any real quality of life.

Can your vet have a word with him?

As everyone above has said, better a day too soon than a day too late, and it sounds like you’re getting closer to too late.

Original poster

Peachy92 · 02/02/2021 17:11

Thank you all so much, truly valued comments. And wholeheartedly agree.

Have just tried this pro / con list to no avail. He says it's not indicative of quality of life because she's always been a dog who wouldn't go out if it were raining, would rather sleep than play and was always a fussy eater. Also the "you don't just put people down because they're ill" as if it's the same.

I hate pushing this because in all honesty IM the one who wanted us to get a dog, IM the one who found her and foot the bill and IM the one who's cared for her the most. I'm devastated I'm going to lose her but I always knew I couldn't keep her forever. If I'm honest if this happened before I had kids I think I'd feel more like him and hold on too long. But as a mum of children I understand that you can't be selfish, sometimes what hurts you is best for them.
I have always been a poochy mum and having to be the one who pushes to say goodbye makes me feel cruel and as if I don't love her as much. But it's BECAUSE I love her so bloody much I can't bear to watch her get worse and worse. I want to have a say in when she goes so we can give her the best day possible and say goodbye together. How does he not understand this.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 02/02/2021 17:15

My vet once said it was about dignity. That swayed it for me.
I also met someone recently who had to PTS a beloved dog. She said she couldn’t stand the idea of it deteriorating suddenly overnight and suffering.
So sorry OP. It’s the last and arguably the greatest show of how much you love your animal.

BiteyShark · 02/02/2021 17:20

Can you book a vets consultation to discuss quality of life/treatment of symptoms (personally I would give the vet a heads up about her life beforehand). Sometimes people like your DH will listen to them when they won't listen to you.

I feel for you because I have rushed my dog in so many times for emergencies and said goodbye in my head that I honestly hope when the actual time comes I can give him a peaceful ending rather than a distressed one.

RandomMess · 02/02/2021 17:27

Ask him

"who are you saving her for, because it certainly isn't her and it definitely isn't me?"

Willow4987 · 02/02/2021 19:12

It’s a tough decision and my DH would be the same as yours. I had to try and be the voice of reason when it was DCats time.

On the flip side, a relatives DDog was at the end and they didn’t want to do it. Left it so long, that the poor thing collapsed and had a seizure just as they’d finally decided to do what was in its best interests rather than their own. I don’t say this to be harsh, as you clearly adore your dog and want what’s best, just that the reality is if it’s not done at the right time the animal can suffer unnecessarily and IMO that’s so much worse than the grief for us afterwards.

BlowDryRat · 02/02/2021 19:15

Better a week too soon than a day too late

jacqelinedaniels · 02/02/2021 19:26

Dogs hide a lot of pain. If she is restless it likely means pain. Sounds like it’s pretty much time.
We were just slightly too late I’d say and I regret it so much, was awful seeing her suffering. Sorry you’re going through it xx

Drinkarsefeck · 02/02/2021 19:45

Worth reminding him that some cancerous tumours can rupture, causing horrific suffering. Honestly, what is he waiting for? A rushed emergency or traumatic death aren't great options when he could control his dogs suffering now. I'd be inclined to book the dog in and just tell him it has to be done, as hard as it is.

Veterinari · 02/02/2021 19:53

@Peachy92

Thank you all so much, truly valued comments. And wholeheartedly agree.

Have just tried this pro / con list to no avail. He says it's not indicative of quality of life because she's always been a dog who wouldn't go out if it were raining, would rather sleep than play and was always a fussy eater. Also the "you don't just put people down because they're ill" as if it's the same.

I hate pushing this because in all honesty IM the one who wanted us to get a dog, IM the one who found her and foot the bill and IM the one who's cared for her the most. I'm devastated I'm going to lose her but I always knew I couldn't keep her forever. If I'm honest if this happened before I had kids I think I'd feel more like him and hold on too long. But as a mum of children I understand that you can't be selfish, sometimes what hurts you is best for them.
I have always been a poochy mum and having to be the one who pushes to say goodbye makes me feel cruel and as if I don't love her as much. But it's BECAUSE I love her so bloody much I can't bear to watch her get worse and worse. I want to have a say in when she goes so we can give her the best day possible and say goodbye together. How does he not understand this.

@Peachy92

You're putting your dog's welfare above your own feelings

That is incredibly brave.

Your DH is avoiding making the decision because it's emotionally uncomfortable. That's understandable, but it means he's relying on her dying of dehydration/starvation/organ failure to avoid him making a decision.

He's right, we don't euthanise people. But I know there are definitely people who would see that as a blessing. Regardless,when someone is terminally ill they are nursed, sedated, given morphine. They don't just suffer at home unable to eat or drink.

He's comparing apples and oranges

snowliving · 02/02/2021 19:56

My MIL was similar to your OH, it came from a good place.
In the end the vet was clear that enough was enough.
Could you have a conversation with your vet and get their help.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 02/02/2021 20:00

I don't what you need to say to convince him, but it sounds to me as if it's time.

I've had three animals PTS over the years, and only one was in extremis (he went downhill overnight, from chronically sick but eating and jumping around to throwing up and in serious pain). With the other two, we decided on PTS when they seemed confused and uncomfortable. One had a tumour that was just starting to rupture (which clinched the decision), the other an inoperable one.

It's such a tough call, and often it's only in retrospect that you can see clearly whether you made the right decision or not.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 02/02/2021 20:01

*I don't KNOW what...

Original poster

Peachy92 · 02/02/2021 20:22

Thank you all. What a hard thing it is to have a beloved pet 🐾 With those who feel they may have left it too late, what was it that made you hang on? Was it the good days when you felt they weren't as uncomfortable as you thought the day before or was it your own feelings? The medicine the vet issued was for pain relief and to help toileting but that honestly was killing her she lost so much weight in one week and barely moved but to get up and squat out dribbles. We took her off it and since then shes improved but not enough to say she's happy. She just ... exists like you say. I don't know what he's waiting for. I think he feels like he's giving up on her to put her to sleep. But a dignified end would be so much nicer for her. I truly believe in what you've all said, she doesn't know what is going on. Every day must be harder for her. Every time I mention it I feel cruel but then I look at her and feel cruel too. He wants us to speak to the vet again. Not hopeful on the medicine front as it's anal gland tumour they said they shouldn't rupture but eating and toileting is her biggest issues she always thinks she needs to go and she just squats everywhere when she gets up. Hobbles around the garden and hobbles on walks constantly trying to go. I wouldn't want to be left like that.

OP posts:

Anydreamwilldo12 · 02/02/2021 20:23

God this is awful, your poor poor dog. Just tell him he's being fucking selfish letting her suffer day after day.

Nandocushion · 02/02/2021 20:33

Sympathies OP. My DB is like your DH and I think it's upset SIL when he's not done the right thing for their pets until well past time just because he couldn't face making that decision. I wish I had some good advice for you and I can only suggest doing what PP said and trying to get the vet to tell him.

Veterinari · 02/02/2021 20:33

@Peachy92

Thank you all. What a hard thing it is to have a beloved pet 🐾 With those who feel they may have left it too late, what was it that made you hang on? Was it the good days when you felt they weren't as uncomfortable as you thought the day before or was it your own feelings? The medicine the vet issued was for pain relief and to help toileting but that honestly was killing her she lost so much weight in one week and barely moved but to get up and squat out dribbles. We took her off it and since then shes improved but not enough to say she's happy. She just ... exists like you say. I don't know what he's waiting for. I think he feels like he's giving up on her to put her to sleep. But a dignified end would be so much nicer for her. I truly believe in what you've all said, she doesn't know what is going on. Every day must be harder for her. Every time I mention it I feel cruel but then I look at her and feel cruel too. He wants us to speak to the vet again. Not hopeful on the medicine front as it's anal gland tumour they said they shouldn't rupture but eating and toileting is her biggest issues she always thinks she needs to go and she just squats everywhere when she gets up. Hobbles around the garden and hobbles on walks constantly trying to go. I wouldn't want to be left like that.

Oh AG tumours are awful She'll have constant inflammation of her perineum which will be affecting her need to toilet. Is she on pain relief?

You have to acknowledge that there will not be a time where she isn't pleased to see you or her tail doesn't wag. Ask your DH does he really want her to reach the stage where she's unable to wag before he makes the decision? I don't think so.

Fundamentally and to be quite blunt, she is going to die. You cannot control that
What you can control is how she dies. At home dehydrated and in organ failure.

Or give her a lovely last meal, lots of cuddles and an overdose of anaesthetic with the vet.

Her quality of life will not improve. She's on a one-way journey. She is not going to get better. You can't control that. You can only control how long she exists for in a world that she doesn't enjoy any more

Selford · 02/02/2021 21:06

Firstly, my sympathy, it's the hardest decision to have to make.

On a practical level, could you find out from your vet how the Covid restrictions are affecting things? A friend had a very poorly cat who deteriorated overnight and they ended up taking him to the emergency vet (not one they/the cat knew) and handing him over in the car park to be put to sleep which was very distressing. I don't know if you can be present at the moment for a planned euthanasia, but even if you can't, would the idea that it would be preferable for your dog to be PTS by a familiar vet help to sway your DH's mind?

jerriblank · 02/02/2021 21:30

@Peachy92

Thank you all. What a hard thing it is to have a beloved pet 🐾 With those who feel they may have left it too late, what was it that made you hang on? Was it the good days when you felt they weren't as uncomfortable as you thought the day before or was it your own feelings? The medicine the vet issued was for pain relief and to help toileting but that honestly was killing her she lost so much weight in one week and barely moved but to get up and squat out dribbles. We took her off it and since then shes improved but not enough to say she's happy. She just ... exists like you say. I don't know what he's waiting for. I think he feels like he's giving up on her to put her to sleep. But a dignified end would be so much nicer for her. I truly believe in what you've all said, she doesn't know what is going on. Every day must be harder for her. Every time I mention it I feel cruel but then I look at her and feel cruel too. He wants us to speak to the vet again. Not hopeful on the medicine front as it's anal gland tumour they said they shouldn't rupture but eating and toileting is her biggest issues she always thinks she needs to go and she just squats everywhere when she gets up. Hobbles around the garden and hobbles on walks constantly trying to go. I wouldn't want to be left like that.

Oh god an AG tumour. That will be agony for her. I'm so sorry. I do think it's her time though, and you would be making the best decision for her to give her a lovely peaceful end in your arms, instead of a painful end. No one deserves that. Wishing you and your little girl well!