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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

Original poster

DH & I disagree it's time to say goodbye to our pup

82 replies

Peachy92 · 02/02/2021 16:04

Won't go into every detail but our dog is a senior who's been diagnosed with a nasty cancer. We cannot afford the treatment for her (even with insurance) to remove the tumours and even if we did the prognosis is very poor. We've done what we can in my opinion and I love this dog I truly do. But all I see is suffering and a dog who's not happy. Medicine makes her sick, she barely eats, is incontinent most days. Doesn't interact much but mostly wants to be left in her bed. To me there's no real quality of life and just because one day she might eat a few times and enjoy a walk it doesn't make up for the bad days outweighing the good. We both get very frustrated because we're all stuck in the house together with 2 young children and the constant mess and in / outs to the garden or just wandering aimlessly back and forth whilst we're working is testing. She doesn't know what she wants. We offer different food or treats or try and fuss over her but nothing is right. The dog seems mostly unhappy and it's causing the time we have left with her to be a lot less happy than it used to be. I feel it's time to say goodbye for everyone's sake but my partner thinks it's too soon. I wouldn't mind if he didn't get so frustrated with the dog but he does! So why let it continue?! I've tried explaining that no matter what, we're going to have to say goodbye soon and the longer this goes on the worse it'll be for us all. Hoping it'll happen peacefully at home one night is wishful thinking to me and I'd rather not let her suffer more and more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachy92 · 02/02/2021 21:36

She was on a tramadol type pain relief but that made her worse and she refused to eat or drink so we took her off it. Probiotics to help toileting which again just seemed to make her feel like she constantly needed to go but nothing coming out. I can't imagine having a tumour inside my bum and that's basically what she has. I hadn't even thought about not being able to be with her for euthanising and the idea of not being able to be is heartbreaking. I need to find out from them. She's kind of helped my argument tonight bless her. Doesn't want any food I've offered but won't lie down just up and down all night asking to go out then asking to come straight in. She just stands there panting but it I try to fuss her she moves away. And DH has just agreed that she's clearly not sure what she wants and must be uncomfortable. He suggests vets again to see if they can give her something different. Which means forcing her to take it and then most likely refusing to eat and therefore feeling worse.

OP posts:
user1465423698 · 02/02/2021 21:44

God, that's horrific, I'm sorry.

I get that it is very distressing and we all instinctively try to avoid mortality, but this is torture for her and his decision is for him not her. I would struggle to forgive someone who could do this to an animal for their own selfish benefit.

Has he ever seen a person die from cancer? Someone who can tell him how much they're suffering at the stage she's at?

Because I have, and it's incredibly distressing to read that any living creature is having that level of suffering prolonged in this way.

She's dying. She won't get better. Denial and bargaining are natural parts of anticipatory grief but that's what it comes back to - no amount of holding out is going to change the prognosis or outcome.

It's really sad, but the kindest thing you can do is make the end of her life as good as the rest of her life - if you leave this to continue you lose the opportunity to give her that gift.

RandomMess · 02/02/2021 21:49

Does be not understand she is panting because she is stressed!!!

Sorry I think I would warn him that you fully expect the vet to suggest PTS and he needs to assume that and say goodbye.

welliguessitwouldbenice · 02/02/2021 21:59

I’ll be in your position very soon OP. And have had good advice on mumsnet about being in control of the end in the best interests of my girl. No advice on dealing with your other half, I get how hard it is to let go. But lots of love to you x

jacqelinedaniels · 02/02/2021 22:05

Sorry but it's definitely time. Panting is pain, restlessness is pain. Our girl had an anal gland tumour too, it's bringing it all back. She would go and hide in the bushes in the garden. I delayed longer than we should have because I'd never had a dog before and couldn't believe it was time already, she didn't even have two months from diagnosis and seemed so well for a lot of that, but she had a very restless week and then she deteriorated very fast over a weekend and it would have been so much kinder to do it the week before. It is cruel not to do it, simple as that, no excuse. I cry every time I think of that last morning before we got to the emergency vet. It is horrible but it's the kindest thing you can do. You can't expect animals with cancer to have a natural death (and shouldn't have to for humans, but there we go). Good luck, please do it x

RandomMess · 02/02/2021 22:22

Does he not get that a human would be on a morphine drip by now??

snowliving · 02/02/2021 23:24

Ask to talk to the vet on the phone before you take her in so that they can have a heads up about your DH.

My mil (who is lovely) says now she knows she waited too long to have the family dog put down.
It was tied up with the loss of other family members and saying goodbye to an era.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 03/02/2021 07:33

My friend left her dog too late saying she wanted it to die peacefully at home , well it didn't it bled out overnight and died slowly and painfully . Euthanasia is a gift , the final gift you give your much loved friend ..
a very wise young vet once told me it's never too early but it's often too late . I'm glad I let my animals go at the right time with dignity and peace . Good luck changing his mind .

Veterinari · 03/02/2021 07:59

@Peachy92

She was on a tramadol type pain relief but that made her worse and she refused to eat or drink so we took her off it. Probiotics to help toileting which again just seemed to make her feel like she constantly needed to go but nothing coming out. I can't imagine having a tumour inside my bum and that's basically what she has. I hadn't even thought about not being able to be with her for euthanising and the idea of not being able to be is heartbreaking. I need to find out from them. She's kind of helped my argument tonight bless her. Doesn't want any food I've offered but won't lie down just up and down all night asking to go out then asking to come straight in. She just stands there panting but it I try to fuss her she moves away. And DH has just agreed that she's clearly not sure what she wants and must be uncomfortable. He suggests vets again to see if they can give her something different. Which means forcing her to take it and then most likely refusing to eat and therefore feeling worse.
Restlessness and panting are signs of pain. There's really not very much the vets can do. This is a one way street. It will only get worse
Original poster
Peachy92 · 03/02/2021 13:01

Well he won't do it now he knows he won't be able to be there with her when it happens, that's made up his mind unless there's an "emergency".

OP posts:
Clymene · 03/02/2021 13:07

@Peachy92

Well he won't do it now he knows he won't be able to be there with her when it happens, that's made up his mind unless there's an "emergency".
You can get a vet to come out to your house to euthanise.

I'm sorry but I'm getting really angry now. He is leaving his beloved dog in pain because he's too pathetic to man up to deal with it. He's keeping her alive for his benefit.

Being a pet owner is about taking responsibility for their welfare. And he's not doing that.

RandomMess · 03/02/2021 13:19

Sorry but I'm angry too.

They will often come out to your car so you can be with them too. Have you even asked your vet?

If this was my DH I would just being doing it despite his wishes.

user1465423698 · 03/02/2021 13:26

@Peachy92

Well he won't do it now he knows he won't be able to be there with her when it happens, that's made up his mind unless there's an "emergency".
That's despicable.

Why are you allowing this cruelty to continue?

TheNorthWind · 03/02/2021 13:33

I wish I hadn't read this thread. Your poor dog. How unspeakably cruel of your husband.

I think constant, unrelenting pain is an emergency. What on earth does he think is going to happen? How does he think this is going to end?

jerriblank · 03/02/2021 13:35

@Peachy92

Well he won't do it now he knows he won't be able to be there with her when it happens, that's made up his mind unless there's an "emergency".

He's cruel. You can have the vet come out to your home so that you can be with them. He's doing her so much harm, and I'm sorry but you are too by not standing up for your lovely dog. Be her biggest advocate and let her go.

BiteyShark · 03/02/2021 13:35

I don't know how anyone can just ignore a dog being in pain. It's heartbreaking to see so I can only assume he doesn't actually care much for his dog Angry

jerriblank · 03/02/2021 13:36

@Peachy92

Well he won't do it now he knows he won't be able to be there with her when it happens, that's made up his mind unless there's an "emergency".

Also, it's gone past the point of this being an emergency in my opinion.

Ffsnosexallowed · 03/02/2021 13:39

Poor poor dog. My mum was like this with her wee dog, and now lives with the terrible guilt of what she put her through for her last few weeks.

Ask your dp how much more suffering does he want to put her through?? Every minute more of suffering is because of him.

AnotherDelphinium · 03/02/2021 13:40

If he’s refusing to let her be PTS, then he needs to pony up for her surgery. And he needs to make the decision and foot the surgery bill by dinner time tonight or he’s chosen PTS.

At least that was she’ll either recover and resume a small quality of life, or die on the operating table, fully anaesthetised so basically PTS.

Letting her continue to suffer is simply not acceptable. I’ve had three cats PTS. One has an aortic thrombosis so literally no choice, the other two were very ill, and my mum was the one who made me see it; if I loved them, I’d let them go, not keep them here in pain and cruelty.

Thoughts are with you, and your poor ill girl

saraclara · 03/02/2021 13:46

My daughter left it a day too late. She woke in the night to hear her cat actually screaming. She says she's never heard anything like it. By the time she got to him he was fitting and writhing in agony, until he convulsed and died.
She said she's never felt worse about anything, and still berates herself for hesitating and thinking it could wait until next day.

Please tell your DH that story.

Wetcappuccino · 03/02/2021 13:49

I volunteered at a dog rescue and something the founder said stuck with me: “Better a day too early than a day too late”. She was angry that a family who had adopted one of the dogs left it too long and the dog ended up screaming in pain and very distressed being put to sleep. It is such a difficult decision but you have to consider what’s best for your dog.

NeedingCoffee · 03/02/2021 13:50

In case it helps sway your DH, I can tell you how my neighbour’s dog with an anal gland tumour died. It did rupture, plus there were likely other internal tumours also causing issues.

It was an utterly horrible death, in the middle of the night in the heart of the last lockdown when vets were completely unable to come out and the dog was so rabid with pain that they could not get it into the car safely. Huge amounts of blood and gore and obviously horrific pain for the dog. My poor neighbour is completely traumatised.

For your own sakes, please don’t risk this happening to your girl.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/02/2021 13:54

Honestly, I'd take her to the vet and get it done, whatever the cost to my relationship. Especially as he's already damaging that through his cruelty.

He's being selfish and stupid and unbelievably cruel to do this to her.

ZooeyS · 03/02/2021 13:54

Your husband is being cruel and selfish. Your poor poor dog.

ZooeyS · 03/02/2021 13:55

Also agree with pp, I'd just take the dog to the vet myself.

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