DH & I disagree it's time to say goodbye to our pup

[Peachy92]

Won't go into every detail but our dog is a senior who's been diagnosed with a nasty cancer. We cannot afford the treatment for her (even with insurance) to remove the tumours and even if we did the prognosis is very poor. We've done what we can in my opinion and I love this dog I truly do. But all I see is suffering and a dog who's not happy. Medicine makes her sick, she barely eats, is incontinent most days. Doesn't interact much but mostly wants to be left in her bed. To me there's no real quality of life and just because one day she might eat a few times and enjoy a walk it doesn't make up for the bad days outweighing the good. We both get very frustrated because we're all stuck in the house together with 2 young children and the constant mess and in / outs to the garden or just wandering aimlessly back and forth whilst we're working is testing. She doesn't know what she wants. We offer different food or treats or try and fuss over her but nothing is right. The dog seems mostly unhappy and it's causing the time we have left with her to be a lot less happy than it used to be. I feel it's time to say goodbye for everyone's sake but my partner thinks it's too soon. I wouldn't mind if he didn't get so frustrated with the dog but he does! So why let it continue?! I've tried explaining that no matter what, we're going to have to say goodbye soon and the longer this goes on the worse it'll be for us all. Hoping it'll happen peacefully at home one night is wishful thinking to me and I'd rather not let her suffer more and more.

You need to take this in hand and do what's right for your dog as soon as possible. You can not be responsible for allowing this to continue. He is wrong and your poor dog sounds like she is suffering tremendously.

This is very upsetting to read. Please ask your husband to read this thread and perhaps make his own comment here about why he wants to put any animal let alone beloved pet through this level of suffering.

@Peachy92

Well he won't do it now he knows he won't be able to be there with her when it happens, that's made up his mind unless there's an "emergency".

So he wants her to suffer and die slowly because home being there is more important than her well-being?

If your DH is unable to center the dog rather than his own emotional needs
then someone who is capable as functioning like an adult needs to step up and do so.

Have you had a conversation with the vet about what they would honestly recommend at this point?
If they recommend PTS then it is your responsibility to do so.
If they are think the dog can still be made comfortable then I can understand your DH's stance a little more.

OP you have to take charge of this, you know this is wrong. You know your poor dog is suffering. Why are you waiting for your selfish DH to have an epiphany? Do the right thing for your dog. You said in a pp that it is your dog. So it's your responsibility to make the hard call. Do it now. Save yourself from a lifetime of regret.

I think you need to tell him that letting her go on like this is cruel. Take her to the vet for advice. To be honest if she was mine, I'd just disregard what he thinks, and have her put gently to sleep. She may be in terrible pain.

The pacing and panting reminds me of a post on a dog group I'm in on fb. This ladies dog was suffering, which sounds like is the case for your dog.
I wish we had put our cat to sleep instead of him having steroid injections. He had a tumour in his stomach and he was suffering, but we were so heartbroken that he was going to die, we left in a night too late and he was dead when we got up. I'd give anything to not have the last memory of him that I have.
to you op, as it's a really hard decision and one I am dreading with my dog.

@Peachy92

Well he won't do it now he knows he won't be able to be there with her when it happens, that's made up his mind unless there's an "emergency".

This is an emergency. Please take her. I was allowed to be with my cat when she was put to sleep a few weeks ago.

I took some pics of ddog in her last weeks.. One day her face truly said she had had enough... I actually said sorry out loud and that she would be at peace soon (appointment was booked).. Looking at that particular photo now reminds me I did the right thing. Can you have a look back at photos off ddog with your dh and see if he can see she is also ready to go? My photos really did say it all. Failing that I would actually make a home appointment and have vet come out. Your dh is becoming such a disgrace of a man your relationship may actually be at risk. Imo.

You need to do it for her
I was 19 when I had to make the choice to put my horse down and it broke my heart, but he looked at me and I just knew. I've never regretted it, it was the right time and I loved him too much to let him suffer

If your vet won’t let you be with her then ring round until you find one that will. That’s what we were doing across that last week with ours last spring in lockdown, and I’d found one that said they would and planned to take her there the next week, when that weekend it rapidly escalated. The weekend emergency vet thankfully did it on the grass outside and we held her while she went to sleep. Please get on the phone right now. Someone will let you be with her. Don’t leave it any longer.

I would take the dog to the vets myself and deal with the fallout afterwards.

What he’s doing is keeping the dog for himself, not for her, and it is cruel. And by going along with that you’re enabling cruelty to your dog.

Take responsibility now, take her to the vet and have her put to sleep.

I had this exact situation, our dog was 14 and went really downhill over a few months, constant back and forth to vets it was heartbreaking. She had a lot off illnesses, lost so much weight, no interest in food and life, but my DH just couldn’t let her go and I felt it was cruel. I eventually had to make the call myself after a rough night with her and I told the vets my concerns and felt it was time to let her go, they agreed and luckily it was before Covid so she was put to sleep at home. My DH regrets massively letting her go on so long, in hindsight he would have done it sooner but just always felt she would pass away herself and he felt guilty having to do it, I thought DH would be furious I made the call but he did agree with me after, he just couldn’t do it himself.

OP, please show my message to your DH, it might make him think about the dog.

Two months ago, we noticed my daughter's very much loved pony was a bit lethargic and had lost some weight. We took her out of the field where the rest of the herd were living out 24/7 and stabled her. Daughter, who is a student veterinary nurse, took all her vital signs, everything normal. She was eating and drinking, coat was glossy, she just seemed a bit down. So we went to bed, thinking she just needed a bit of molly coddling as the weather had been bad and she was thinner skinned than the rest of the herd. We woke up the next morning to blood all over the stable floor, her gums were white she had lost so much blood and a mare close to collapse. Our vet was with us within 15 minutes and he diagnosed a ruptured ovarian tumour. She was in a lot of pain and we PTS there and then. Our vet reckoned if we had left things another two hours, she would have died screaming and kicking the walls of her stable. Has your DH ever heard an animal die screaming? Because I have, and the memory never leaves you. Animals are good at hiding pain, horses are the best because they are prey animals and there instinct is to hid signs of weakness from predators. Your poor dog can't hide it anymore, which means she must be in agony. He needs to think of her and have her PTS, he is not a loving, kind owner by prolonging her agony, quite the opposite. If he leaves it any longer, he risks what happened to our pony.

Just take the dog yourself peachy92. It has to be done and an animal he supposedly loves can't suffer because of his denial.

You may be able to find a vet who comes out to you to euthanise - we did that with our darling old family cat at Christmas as couldn't put cat through driving a distance to an emergency vet hospital. She'd just been tentatively diagnosed with mouth cancer, and deteriorated very quickly over the weekend. Vet came to our house, she specialises in end of life care and was very experienced, we all distanced and wore masks, as Covid-safe as we could be. Vet was lovely and talked us through options, we had already decided it was time for her to go as no cure and only more pain. It was likely she would go into organ failure quite soon and it would be a merciful release for her.

Honestly, it was the best thing we've ever done, we got to say goodbye quietly and slowly, she had strong pain relief so was relaxed, in her favourite spot, with us all cuddling her (she was a great cuddler and loved her strokes). We all (including vet) cried softly a lot, missed her terribly after, but were so grateful that she wasn't in pain or discomfort for too long. I've had other pets euthanised in much less happier circumstances and will repeat what others have said, much better a day early than a week late.

How sad op. We had our dog pts last may. A big boy golden retriever was v poorly panting etc as well. My eldest son (19) couldn’t accept it was time, deep down he knew it was but of course you want to keep them for your own selfishness - doesn’t make you a bad person but it’s hard to let go of a loved pet. Sadly it’s for their own good, to keep them from suffering and pain. Some just can’t see that. We talked a lot and I explained why we needed to do it and no one wanted to say goodbye.

Saying this whilst looking at a painting my sons girlfriend did of him last year before he died. It’s on my wall and It makes me cry when I look at his lovely face. He had a good life, he was loved by us all.

It’s the hardest thing to do, especially now. We were lucky it was a nice day and sat outside with him and they sedated him and then took him in, the practise is lovely and I knew they’d be with him, he was sleep when he went in. But if you could try to speak to the practise about being there, they may allow it. So sorry you are going through this. Am crying writing this i so miss our boy.
I just know he’s at peace - doesn’t make it easier I know.

Seconding what NeedingCoffee just said.

On the advice of the vet ("You can have one last weekend with her") and because of DS (who wanted that last weekend to say goodbye properly when he wasn't out at school all day), I left it too late with our cat. She ended up on the Monday morning fitting in a pool of her own poo and urine. I still feel awful about it. My instinct all along was to euthanise sooner rather than later, but I kept over-riding those instincts because of DS and because the vet kept saying "we can try this, this and this."

I really wish I'd listened to my instinct.

Listen to yours and tell your husband not to be such an idiot.

@Peachy92

Thank you all. What a hard thing it is to have a beloved pet 🐾 With those who feel they may have left it too late, what was it that made you hang on? Was it the good days when you felt they weren't as uncomfortable as you thought the day before or was it your own feelings? The medicine the vet issued was for pain relief and to help toileting but that honestly was killing her she lost so much weight in one week and barely moved but to get up and squat out dribbles. We took her off it and since then shes improved but not enough to say she's happy. She just ... exists like you say. I don't know what he's waiting for. I think he feels like he's giving up on her to put her to sleep. But a dignified end would be so much nicer for her. I truly believe in what you've all said, she doesn't know what is going on. Every day must be harder for her. Every time I mention it I feel cruel but then I look at her and feel cruel too. He wants us to speak to the vet again. Not hopeful on the medicine front as it's anal gland tumour they said they shouldn't rupture but eating and toileting is her biggest issues she always thinks she needs to go and she just squats everywhere when she gets up. Hobbles around the garden and hobbles on walks constantly trying to go. I wouldn't want to be left like that.

I know I left it too late for one of my cats, and I feel guilty about it to this day. I only realised when I looked at the “last photos” and compared them to days when he had been well and active, I saw how thin he was, how sunken his eyes, how poor his coat. I didn’t make the same mistake again.

We had to have our 2yo Collie down last October due to epilepsy. He was going downhill quickly and suffering with good days in-between. Medication was not helping at all and so we made the decision to put him to sleep before there was an emergency. He was still running around a playing the day he passed l, but we know we saved him from suffering and pain. I hope this can get resolved soon, because it is unnecessary pain and trauma. If I were you I would just take them and get it done.

I don't think I could forgive my H for this if it were me, he's making a hard time that much more traumatic for you all.

Get the vet to come to the house! I'm sure they will still do that with ppe !

Thank you all and I appreciate all comments. Including those who are angry at me for not doing it myself. I know if it weren't me in this situation I'd be telling myself to just do it. I spoke to the vets today, they will not come out and they will not do it outside. They know her very well they have been the only vets to treat her for a decade so please understand I'm very torn by having to take her up, say goodbye in the car park where I know she will be gittery and cold. We've had her 10 years and this not how we ever imagined having to say goodbye. He's balled his eyes out today when I've told him he has to accept what is right for her. He admits he's just not ready to say goodbye but it's in her best interest. He just wants to have a couple of days with her without distraction for some final family walks and tlc. She actually has eaten well today for her and she seemed to enjoy her walk a bit more. I will continue to ring vets to find one to come out to us and I we will say our goodbyes. Thank you all again for your honesty and support. I will keep you all posted on what happens.

It sounds like you have finally got him to start to face up to her suffering.

Do phone around vets as I know some will find ways for you to be with them even if it is in the back of a car.

If you search for mobile vets in your area it'll probably be easier than calling around different practises. Our vet is mobile and has been to our home (in PPE) when our dog had an eye infection.