The dog is ruining our relationship

[Frog123]

My partner and his two dogs moved in with me after he lost his home, I was told his 8 year old dog didn’t like cats, I have two.
Anyway, my cats hardly come in anymore because his dog snarls and chases them, it’s been 7 months and the dog still won’t accept them, he’s destroyed my garden, including chewing half of the fence down, my partner thinks picking up 2 dogs mess barely once a week is ok (I also have 3 children, one isn’t 2 years old yet) the dog wee’s Up my walls, ripped the bar off the baby gate, destroyed one of settee cushions the repair cost me 160 quid. Scratched my brand new door in the living room, gets in my wardrobe and sleeps on my clothes and bedding even though he mostly sleeps IN THE BED. Barks all the time and won’t be quiet when told. I had brand new carpet laid not yet a year ago, it was grey, it’s now brown and stinks. My partner works 14 hour days and it’s me left to cope. I’m at my wits end and I’ve now started to dislike the dog and I’ve grew distant from my partner because he comes home and all I can think Is your dogs been awful today.
I love my partner but I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so unhappy and I’ve always been very house proud and saved hard for everything I have.
Anyone else gone through anything similar? What did you do?

[rookiemere]

The reason he didn't have issues in his previous property seems to be because his DS looked after the dogs. Make sure he does pay for the dog walkers and you don't end up doing it.

Oh and he thinks he can train a dog by hitting it - seriously OP you can tell exactly what a person is like from the way they treat their animals - do you honestly think you've got a keeper here?

[Frog123]

@Nesssie my garden is huge, we’ve even built a fence to give the dogs half of it and us have the other half, it’s not worked out because they have the back bit and chasing two dogs into the gate is impossible. We have a dog beach nearby I’ve taken the young dog there and she loved it, my partner was at work and had no say because she was in season and I couldn’t deal with his constant trying to get at her. He only goes for any balls my kids have, he’s quite good with their toys. I’m going to look for a slow feeder now, if the dog walking thing doesn’t help, I’d not heard about doggie daycare although I can’t see it being a possibility because of him not being good with other dogs.
I would never leave any dog alone with my kids, I know not to do that and where I go my toddler goes with me in the house.

[7yo7yo]

Get him out your house! The dog and it’s owner.

[purpleboy]

If you feed them dry food, scatter it around the garden. It's the best way to feed them as it makes them work for their food.
The dog is destroying your house because it is totally bored and unstimulated. It's not fair on the dog.
And with the greatest of respect although it is friendly with humans.... most are until something triggers them. You've openly admitted you know nothing about dogs, your putting your children in a very dangerous situation. That breed are incredibly strong and it just takes 1 tiny thing for the dog to feel threatened and attack, and I'm sorry to say if it does, the best you can hope for is a disfigured child, more likely planning their funeral.

[LazyLizzy]

You made a mistake by letting DP move in with you under duress.

Was it your idea or his? Didn't you have any reservations then?


He needs to get his own place.

[Frog123]

@missbattenburg he’s not been done and we did argue over this end he’d agreed to chemical castration, but it means I’ve got to take a dog in my car that bounces about while my baby is in the car, I think it’s personally better, to have his balls off and that’s it, it’s just once, chemical castration is once a year every year.
Yes the cat thing is an ongoing problem that I’m lost on, I have tried to make them be friends and I’ve had the cat sat on the side and held the dog by his scruff to allow them to smell each other but I’d he thinks no one is watching and the cat walks by the he runs to it barking and I think the other noise is a snarl, there was one occasion where myself and my son both came out or bedrooms at the same time the cat and dog were face to face, my cat backed into a corner and the dog ran towards him, but stopped when he got to him and was looking at him, my car clawed him by this time I had grabbed the cat and literally threw it toward the stairs and he ran.

[onedayiwillmissthis]

OP...sorry but do you mean the staff x pit bull is entire (uncastrated) and the other large female dog has not been speyed?

[TixieLix]

He thinks the dog doesn’t respect me that’s why he doesn’t listen, but I think hitting a dog is cruel and I won’t do it

Who said anything about hitting the dog? You don't hit a dog to make it respect you FFS! You shouldn't be hitting the dog for any reason come to that.

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

You have two dogs of opposite sex and neither have been neutered?
This is insanity. I've said it before but i'll say it again, your partner is an utterly shit and irresponsible dog owner. He obviously has been since the beginning and remains so. I doubt there is anything now that will chance that.

[luckylavender]

Get rid OP & separate the dog from your children, please.

[Frog123]

She’s a puppy, she’s booked in next week to be done. She’s just had her first season.

[Nesssie]

Ok so neutering her may help settle down his hormones too, but castrating him may also help with the peeing/scent marking indoors and his aggressive behaviour. Plus it will be cheaper for a one off castration than ongoing chemical injections.

The garden set up sounds good so they have lots of space to play off lead. Rather than trying to chase them through a gate, can you entice them with a treat?

Balls are quite tempting for dogs so no advice on that, but good that he doesn't chew the other toys.

Again with a slow feeder you could make some chicken broth/stock or weak gravy, pour it in (and even freeze it) and that will give the dog some good mental stimulation too.

You sound willing to help and I think with some good exercise and boundaries and your DP on board too, this could work.

[magneticmumbles]

Tell your partner to either rehome the dog or he'll find himself rehomed.

No pre-existing pet should be pushed out for a new pet.

[netflixlove]

Your partner has an illegal dog OP and it's for good reason that pitballs & crosses are banned in the U.K. if that dog goes for another dog whilst out on a walk with the dog walker or god forbid goes for your child- you won't be able to separate his jaws.

If someone finds out the dog is potentially a cross, they may report you to SS and will have the dog reported and destroyed and you may potentially lose your child. It's unclean and unsafe for a child to live around an aggressive and unstimulated dog that pisses everywhere. My mum is a social worker and has seen this happen way to many times- usually with families with staffie dogs honestly that won't give up the dog.

[Nesssie]

@netflixlove

1. Its unlikely the dog is a true pitbull, probably a staff cross.
2. Pitbulls aren't automatically destroyed, they can be exempted.
3. Locking jaws is also another myth.
4. No one losing their child.
5. The dog is dog aggressive not human aggressive - big difference.
6. Not all staffies/staffie crosses are killers.

Do you have any constructive or useful advice?

[billybagpuss]

The poor dog sounds desperately unhappy and your OH's idea that you can't take one dog out because you can't cope with the other is ridiculous, that just means you have 2 unhappy dogs.

The dog is lacking in routine and training, it can be solved and I wish you all the best with the dog walker (although I fear it will be always the older dog alone) it will make a massive difference. But unless your OH can devote more time to them this is going to be an issue for at least another 4 or 5 years, maybe more when the poor thing passes away.

It is testament to the dog that he is so good around children as he must be frustrated, I'm sure you are constantly vigilant but a frustrated dog can be unpredictable so please try and get OH to be more proactive with them. If he won't I think you are going to have to evict at least the dogs if not the OH with them.

[owlonabike]

OP, please write down everything you are getting out of this relationship.
Here’s a postage stamp and a pen.

Yes, that’s harsh , but I can’t believe how utterly disrespectful this man is. You clearly care for the poor dog and are doing your best, but unless your partner completely commits to a long term and expensive programme to meet the dog’s needs, you are wasting your time.

[zafferana]

All these people writing 'the poor dog'. I know this is 'the doghouse', but seriously? What about the poor cats? They lived in that house before that wretched dog moved in and terrorised them!

[Teacakeandalatte]

I'd be concerned about the cats too but the dog is an innocent creature just following its natural instincts. Any harm that comes to the cat will be the fault of the owners.

[Brazenhussy0]

You know what? This post has tipped me right over the edge for today. I’ve had enough of so many women being too bloody needy, stupid and fucking docile to do what’s best for themselves, their kids (and their existing pets). Prioritising being with any man over being alone is a mistake.

This whole situation is a disaster waiting to happen. I’m sorry OP, but it is.
You’re either going to end up with a mauled child or a dead cat on your hands unless you get this man and his dogs out of your house. He is a bad fit for you, and I don’t give a shit if you think you have feelings for him, he is not the right fit for your existing responsibilities – your children and your cats.

Getting a dog walker and some squeaky toys isn’t going to fix this ffs. Find someone else who suits your life. Don’t keep trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole.
Given the type of dog involved here, you could lose your kids because of this, do you not understand that?

[LittleLongDog]

Your DP is an awful dog owner and he’s done the dog, not to mention all of you, a huge disservice. I’m glad things are in motion to improve and sincerely wish the best for all of you.

Just about the cats:
Your cats are living beings too. It was not their choice to be owned by you - you have a responsibility to do right by them for their short lives.

I would be making the upstairs an entirely dog free zone so that the cats can choose to get away and have their own safe space.

The want of one dog to be close to it’s owner does not trump the rights of your cats to live a safe life. And I say this as an owner of an anxious dog myself.

[ltk]

I wouldn't have put it quite like BrazenHussy did, but she ain't wrong!

[onedayiwillmissthis]

Spot on Brazzenhussy.

[Ragwort]

Well said Brazen, in fact I almost hope this is a wind up, how could any woman be so desperate for a man in her life that she would accept this. Truly shocking. What’s wrong with living on your own with your DC and cats?

[Brazenhussy0]

Sorry, I wouldn't normally be quite so harsh but there's sometimes no other way to really get through to someone.
OP, I feel like you're going to minimise this when you walk away from MN and you'll keep putting up with all of this until something serious happens.
Please don't let it get to that stage. There are plenty of other men out there who don't come with dangerous, untrained dogs.