The dog is ruining our relationship

[Frog123]

My partner and his two dogs moved in with me after he lost his home, I was told his 8 year old dog didn’t like cats, I have two.
Anyway, my cats hardly come in anymore because his dog snarls and chases them, it’s been 7 months and the dog still won’t accept them, he’s destroyed my garden, including chewing half of the fence down, my partner thinks picking up 2 dogs mess barely once a week is ok (I also have 3 children, one isn’t 2 years old yet) the dog wee’s Up my walls, ripped the bar off the baby gate, destroyed one of settee cushions the repair cost me 160 quid. Scratched my brand new door in the living room, gets in my wardrobe and sleeps on my clothes and bedding even though he mostly sleeps IN THE BED. Barks all the time and won’t be quiet when told. I had brand new carpet laid not yet a year ago, it was grey, it’s now brown and stinks. My partner works 14 hour days and it’s me left to cope. I’m at my wits end and I’ve now started to dislike the dog and I’ve grew distant from my partner because he comes home and all I can think Is your dogs been awful today.
I love my partner but I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so unhappy and I’ve always been very house proud and saved hard for everything I have.
Anyone else gone through anything similar? What did you do?

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I don't know how you lasted so long living together. I'd have told him to move out by now.

[Frog123]

@Teacakeandalatte the dog is sweet and he’s really kind and loving, too much so most of the time and I think it’s wrong for him to be with my partner for 8 years and then be rehomed. But i am sick of it, the peeing in my home and destroying my things when he’s left on his own. Which is why I wanted suggestions on what to do.
I asked my partner would he like me to go and piss and slash his precious car because that’s what his dog is doing to my home, my children’s home. He’s said he’ll do anything I ask of him, he doesn’t have unlimited money I understand this, so I’m thinking maybe cut his hours at work, being partner own and manager I can’t see how that’s too difficult for him. One main thing is I don’t see him much and lately I’ve been so furious by the time he gets home I just go to bed.

[7yo7yo]

Ffs
Put your kids first and dump this dickhead and his dogs.
Why would you go and stay at your mums?? Tell him to go and take his dogs with him.
What are you and your children getting out of this relationship?

[Notwiththeseknees]

This has got to be a wind up. You are seriously telling us that you have an aggressive dog that you let shit all over your garden, destroy and defile your home & property and you allow your toddler daughter to poke & prod it. And you think you can move faster than it to retrieve her from its jaws? I think you are pulling our leg - no sane person would allow this.

[newmomof1]

OP if your OH moves out he has to lose the dog (or his job) anyway.
How long have you been together?
How long were you together before he moved in?
Surely you knew about his dogs behaviour before you let him move in?
Why would you possibly let your toddler near a dog that you know has aggressive tendencies (regardless of whether he is 'great' with children?

[GU24Mum]

OP, it's hard but ultimately you have to assume that neither your OH not the dog will change. The only thing you can do is make your own decision.

You either need to decide that you don't want the dog there any more and much though you love your OH, your feelings of not wantint to live wiht the dog are stronger - so you need to get him (and the dogs) to leave.

Or you decide and accept that although living with the dog is bad, you love you OH more and would rather put up wiht the dog (and all that entails) than lose your OH.

We'd each make different decisions but it's completely your choice.

[PonderingPanda]

I’m thinking maybe cut his hours at work

soooo..... he is going to become a cocklodger as well then?

What a catch!

[Floralnomad]

Reading this I’m not sure which of you is more stupid but I’ve very little sympathy for anybody except the poor neglected dog and the cats .

[Frog123]

@7yo7yo nothing at the moment but it was good before he moved in and I want it to be good again.
@Notwiththeseknees he’s never hurt another human or child and I don’t allow her to hurt him, I can’t fault the dog around people he’s amazing, but I’m also very inexperienced with dogs, I’m a cat person.
But to be honest reading some comments on here I’m actually feeling very stupid, I’ve got a good heart and always see the good before the bad.

[mrsw2]

Give them both 24 hours to find somewhere else to go. Imagine if the dog went for one of the children? Unthinkable

[Frog123]

@GU24Mum I’m giving him a week and if he’s still done nothing at all to at least show he is willing to sort his dog out then I’m asking him to move out, it’s then down to him what happens to him and his dogs, I admit I’ve been very very stupid.

[leckford]

Do you own your property because any landlord/local authority are not going to be at all happy with the damage you have described. You could be evicted!

[Frog123]

No I don’t own it, I own the furniture. He has said he will repair the damage on Sunday when he has a day off. I’ll see if he has when i get back.

[TixieLix]

I'm amazed what some people will put up with. You've allowed this man to move in to your home with one giant sized dog and one untrained staff/pitbull mix that shows aggressive tendencies. The dog chews up your home and pees inside, and your partner doesn't pick up the dog mess regularly. Your child is allowed to poke and grab at the dog. Whilst the dog may be fine with people now, it could turn at any time. If the dog is unwell or has a pain and gets prodded by a child, it could clamp its jaws on the child in a second and good luck getting them open. You just would not be able to react fast enough. Why would you expose your children to this filth and danger? Not to mention your poor cats that have been displaced from the house. The hygiene issues aside, don't be the next family we read about in the papers whose child has been mauled/killed by a dog.

[babysharkah]

You need to grow up, get rid of him and the dog. What a ridiculous situation. I love dogs, this poor thing sounds like it need to be rehired with someone who understands the needs of a dog.

You have an unexercised, bored dog that you said you can't control, around your toddler. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

[rookiemere]

Echo what everyone else says - any dog would be destructive if it's never getting walked, but also curious as to how it takes him so long to pick up a week's dog poo, to the extent he's unable to come for a day out. Why it's almost as if he's punishing you by deliberately extending the task for expecting him to do way less than the bare minimum for his own animal.

[Ragwort]

How can you possibly ‘love’ someone who treats you, your DC, your home and not to mention the dog (& I am not a dog lover but even I can see this is cruel) with so little respect?

I am constantly shocked about what apallingly low standards some women have regarding their relationships. Please have some self esteem, get rid of this man & his dog & enjoy your home & your children in peace.

[Nesssie]

So the dogs need regular exercise, routine and boundaries.

They need 2 walks a day- on lead and muzzled for the dog aggressive one. If your partner has to get up an hour earlier to do it - well that is part of owning a dog.
The other larger dog - would you be willing to
walk her if she has a halti or gentle leader on to stop her pulling?
A dog walker will be able to walk the other dog, but it may cost more as he will have to be walked individually.

Garden needs to be picked up every evening, or every other evening - it will take 1 minute tops!

Baby gates to keep the untoilet trained dog out of the lounge etc when he can't be supervised.
Regular trips out to the garden and praise when he toilets out there.

Strong chews and toys to keep him occupied.

He's destructive because hes bored.

Cats- do you have a safe space for them in the house where the dogs can't go? Some people use up stairs bathrooms where the window is left open and the door shut.

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

You are putting your family in danger and allowing your home to be destroyed in order to 'rescue' a grown man who should be perfectly capable of organising his own life. If you kick him out it will be inconvenient for him but he won't die or be permanently maimed. You have no duty of care towards him as he's a capable adult. You do have a duty of care towards your children who can't defend themselves or make decisions to ensure their own safety. If you don't kick him out then it's perfectly possible that they could come to serious harm.

Your partner doesn't care in the least about your DC's safety or your wellbeing and happiness, I would find that unacceptable in a partner.

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

Does your landlord know that another person and 2 dogs (one illegal) have moved in?!
OP is he paying towards your rent and bills?

[Frog123]

@Nesssie yes I’ll happily walk the big dog, she’s good, she only pulls if the buggy goes in front of her to catch up, the reason I don’t walk her is, my partner said it’s unfair for the other dog to be left on own and she’s out. I personally think this is ridiculous. I’ve spoken to a dog walker this morning and she’s agreed to do it for £24 an hour two dogs, or 25 only him. My partner has agreed to pay it and has admitted he’s taken the mick, although I did hear what I thought were a lot of excuses.
One problem we do have is the dog destroyed the other baby gate on the lounge my son also didn’t help because he pulled on the gate and weakend it, the door in lounge doesn’t close properly so the dog can be laying down and will get up and I’ll think he’s off to get a drink and he’s actually peeing in my hallway, and I can’t go every time he leaves the room. Yet he will bark to go out so I don’t understand this, he even barks at feeding time and looks at his bowl if I’m a bit late feeding him. He is toilet trained.
Yes I have a porch and my cats can jump up and get in my windows and roam upstairs and at night I put them in with my son and let them down in the morning while the dog barks and whines because he’s been shut in the bedroom for 5 minutes.
I have bought the dog toys previously but he’s ruined them all and to be honest I’ve been so busy paying for damage and cleaning products I can’t afford to buy more, my friend did give us some cow legs I think or shoulders but neither dog will chew them and I put them in the garden because my toddler tripped over one.
However my partner has realised he’s on his last warning and he’s buying some Kongs on Sunday and sorting out the garden, I’m hoping a walker coming will also lessen the amount of poo so that helps with that.
I’m really grateful for all the advice I’ve had on this post. He said he’ll take two weeks off work in the summer to try and help get the dog sorted, the dog didn’t do this at his house it’s all a new thing. He thinks the dog doesn’t respect me that’s why he doesn’t listen, but I think hitting a dog is cruel and I won’t do it.

[PerfectPenquins]

Your partner would be getting a list of things that need to be fixed/replaced/painted and cleaned due to the dogs destructive behaviour and he would be getting 2 weeks to have it all done! Fingers crossed with the dog walker/trainer situation but I'd probably opt for a day care service so you don't have to deal with the dogs. Your partner needs to go out every morning and evening to clean dog shit from the garden that's not on it's a lovely summer so far your kids should be able to play outside.
I'd be so turned off your partner by now I'm amazed your still interested. It sounds like hell

[Nesssie]

Moving house can upset a dog and cause destructive behaviours that weren't present before.

The dog walker, although expensive, will definitely be worth it.

I find baby gates get advertised on fb for quite cheap?

For a nice summer weekend activity, you could hire a private field out for an hour or so, so the dogs can have a nice run around, and you could take the children and a picnic.

Hitting a dog will not get them to respect you. You need to be firm and consistent. If hes doing a behaviour you don't want, ie peeing/scratching/chewing etc, then a firm 'Ah' and then remove the item, remove him from the situation, or replace the item he's chewing with one he can (so the Kong).
With children its more difficult as there will be toys (ie temptations) around but try and keep them somewhere he can't get to them.

Kongs are a great idea - you can stuff them with treats/dog meat etc and even freeze them to make them last a bit longer, plus cool the dogs down in Summer.

Can you get a slow feeder dog bowl for their evening meal - it will make him work for his food more, which will distract him for a bit.


He sounds like a nice dog, and its great that he is good with your children (but obviously you don't leave any dog alone with a child) he just needs stability and exercise.

[missbattenburg]

OP, I'm glad you made some headway but a few things to call out:

• Two weeks intensive training does NOT sort a dog out. Your partner will not make any significant headway in 2 weeks. To change dog behaviours you need constant, consistent and ongoing training.
• A dog walker will not significantly lessen the amount of poo. Your partner needs to pick it up every single day. Done daily it is literally a 60 second job so there are no excuses.
• Buying kongs does not magically stop anything either. Using them as part of a programme in which the dog is encouaged to play with them and slowly, gradually left alone with them. Starting at very low levels (30 seconds, a minute) and repeating, repeating, repeating until the dog is comfortbale with 1 min then building up from there. This doesn't fit into a 2 week period. This is ongoing.
• Marking in the house (which is what is sounds like) is not really anything to do with toilet training. Things that might help include using an enzyme cleaner to clean up every single time - even the slightest scent of urine can trigger the dog to do it again in the same spot. Neutering may help and I forget if you mentioned whether or not the dog is intact.
• The cat thing sounds like a tragedy waiting to happen, to me. I'd worry that sooner or later something will go wrong and the dog will get hold of a cat.
• New house and family etc = stress for the dog
• The respect thing is bollox in a dog that sounds like it has had zero formal training in it's life. The dog just doesn't KNOW what to do and is bored and stressed so doing anything to make itself feel better.

[longearedbat]

Your oh was never in a position to care for two dogs from the very start for many obvious reasons. You are going to have to insist that they go. It just sounds like an accident waiting to happen, either with your children or the cats. Also, as you are in rented accommodation, what about the damage to the structure you have mentioned? (Door frames etc?). Is he going to pay to get that fixed? How is he managing to afford two big dogs? Food etc isn't cheap and vets fees are high. What about the worming and de-fleaing too?
He is now stringing you along with minor fixes to keep you sweet. Why aren't you making him pay for the damage that's been caused? You need to put your foot down here. Either the dogs go (yes, both of them) or he goes (with the dogs). Get your life back, it sounds like hell at the moment.