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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

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Original poster

don't want to be "that owner" but puppy may have to go back to breeder

116 replies

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 07:12

Devastated. We've had our almost 12 week old puppy for a week. She is a very good, chilled out pup and we appear to be making progress with toileting.

However. My middle child has always been nervous around dogs but was so excited about getting the puppy. Unfortunately the reality of having a dog in the house is distressing him enormously - he's hiding in his room, won't come into the lounge if he thinks the puppy is around, can't be in a room with her unless someone's got a tight hold on her collar. After a week he's not improving and although he loves the idea of having a puppy the reality is just too much for him.

After a sleepless night with lots of tears last night DH and I have decided to speak to the breeder and see if she would potentially take the puppy back. We're pretty sure she'd take her.

I really didn't plan on being in this situation. We did our research, found the ideal puppy to join our family and knew what we were letting ourselves in for. The effect on my son's mental wellbeing as not something I had accounted for and we just can't have him uncomfortable in his own home for the foreseeable future. We also think that returning the puppy after just a week is the best thing for her - she's going back to a familiar setting with her mum and sibling.

But still. I feel dreadful about it. My other kids will be devastated. I'm gutted for them and gutted for the puppy. Trying to spin it to the kids that getting the pup was more of a lifestyle change than we had been prepared for as we don't want their brother to feel guilty.

Class A parenting fuck up and I just feel awful.

OP posts:

mydogisthebest · 06/08/2017 14:59

Yes having a puppy is hard work, bit like having a baby. Difference is people don't get rid of their babies do they?

Sorry but I have quite a bit to do with dog rescue and it makes me sick that people get a dog then get rid at the drop of a hat.

A week is a pathetically short time to have any dog let alone a puppy. I have a rescue who at 7 months had had 4 homes - the longest lasting a week and the shortest 1 night! He has many many issues which I am sure are due to his horrible start in life.

Also if your son does have a fear of dogs you should look at trying to help him overcome it.

BradleyPooper · 06/08/2017 15:09

You say that you have to put your kids before the puppy which is absolutely right. But you should be teaching your kids how to overcome challenges rather than removing challenges from their lives.

SparklingRaspberry · 06/08/2017 15:09

Poor dog

You've had it a week. Get over yourselves, stop pandering to your son and make an effort with the poor animal.

MiaowTheCat · 06/08/2017 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isadoradancing123 · 06/08/2017 16:52

Why does your middle sons needs superseded the needs of your other children he is 12 he needs to get over it

Original poster

PoppyPopcorn · 06/08/2017 17:03

The dog went back to the breeder last weekend. DH took her back and the breeder was delighted to have her - she is back with her mum and her sibling and the breeder said that she was keeping her, not trying to rehome her. We are 100% sure we made the right - albeit very difficult - decision. She was with us for such a short time and went right back into the home where she'd been for the 11 weeks previous, she'll be fine. Far better that than us scrabbling around trying to find someone else who'd take her.

Once the dust has settled we will be investigating other strategies for coping with dog phobia. We have been turned down by the NHS for help in the past so I am putting out feelers with friends who are GPs and work in psycholgical services for recommendations of people who can help. The advice to "get over it" or "stop pandering" is not helpful in the slightest and is clearly from people who have no idea whatsoever about what's going on and have never been in this situation.

DS was very on board with getting a puppy. He was excited about her coming home and it was him who chose the breed and her name. He was not however prepared for the reality of having a dog in the house and was unable to be in the same room as the dog. He barely left his room. The other two children were upset that the puppy was leaving (for about 5 minutes) but at the end of the day having a dog is not a "need" and they are not going to be psychologically damaged bynot having one. A week later, and they hardly mention her. DS on the other hand was far more anxious about it than I had expected and it was absolutely having an impact on him.

We won't be getting another dog. In 10 years time when the kids are adults and are living independently I'd consider it. But not at present.

OP posts:

DancingLedge · 06/08/2017 17:11

Poppy I completely applaud you putting your child's needs first. Especially given his age. You don't want a sensitive 12year old, on the threshold of teenage maelstrom, trying to physically step back from family life.

Animals have always been an essential part of my life: but children come first.

stonecircle · 06/08/2017 17:13

Well done Poppy - you handled a difficult situation very sensibly and it's great that the breeder will keep the dog.

allamaqueen · 06/08/2017 17:28

You sound like a very anxious/emotional family. It is probably not the right time to have a puppy, as they can be unsettled by all the emotional turmoil.

Original poster

PoppyPopcorn · 06/08/2017 17:48

We're really not an anxious family at all. We're in fact very ordinary and laid back. Middle child is yes probably a bit more anxious than the others but this doesn't impact on his life. He's loved, secure, happy at home and school, well-adjusted. No ish-oos. Just a phobia of dogs which is more extreme than we'd imagined.

Saw GP this week and although she sympathised hugely she explained that CAMHS is so overstretched that they're struggling to cope with seriously mentally ill children, let alone otherwise happy kids who have a phobia. So that's why we're investigating the private route once the dust has settled and the routine of school commences again.

The only "emotional turmoil" was caused by the puppy. After she left us, DS visibly relaxed, his "upset stomach" miraculously settled and he stopped making plans with friends which would have removed him from the house every waking moment.

OP posts:

CornflakeHomunculus · 07/08/2017 00:17

Whereabouts are you Poppy?

There are several dog training clubs in the south of England who run special cynophobia classes, often specifically aimed at children.

One is in Essex and there's one in Kent. I think there's another in Sussex (or possibly Surrey) as well.

Original poster

PoppyPopcorn · 07/08/2017 07:51

We're in Glasgow. I spoke to a local guy who runs one of the Therapy Dog groups last week, he won't see children without referral from NHS and NHS won't refer us!

OP posts:

SparklingRaspberry · 07/08/2017 14:50

Your son probably wasn't aware of the reality of having a puppy. But that's when you come into it.

I think you've done the right thing giving it back to the breeders because they sound great.

But it doesn't excuse what you've done. You had your puppy for less than a month and you got rid because your son has a fear of dogs??? If your son had an actual fear you would've known about it long before you got your own dog! It sounds just like your son didn't like the usual puppy behaviour and instead of taking responsibility and dealing with that, you claim your son has a phobia.

I've seen people with phobias of dogs. Adults and children. Trust me, these phobias show long before you get a dog.

Dragongirl10 · 09/08/2017 00:48

Whilst l think this is best for the puppy, what message does it give to your children? That pets are disposable items? to be sent away once effort and compromise is required?

Your son is 12 not 2 and does not have a phobia if he was happy to stroke the pup being held, you are pandering to a mild fear and in the process turning it into a bigger one.

What will your DS do when he comes up against the next fear in his life that maybe he cannot hide from?

I have had dogs all my life and have seen dozens of so called dog phobic friends and children be terrified of my well behaved dogs, then after a few visits, some controlled contact and gentle explanation all fear has gone and they are bouncing around playing with said dog.

Like any fear it is best gently and in a controlled way to be tackled.

BradleyPooper · 09/08/2017 01:15

Seems like this situation has resolved for the best for all parties, which I'm glad about. However, I attend a parenting group run by a psychologist. In one session I explained that my dd (8) was fearful about a school trip involving mummies at the local museum. I asked if I should excuse her for the day. The solution was not to remove challenges but to equip dd to deal with the situation.. We talked about it at length, asking her what she was scared of, why, what she could do if she was fearful or stressed etc. The age of helicopter parenting and clearing our children's path of obstacles has proven to be unhelpful. We need children who can cope by themselves, who can face fear and manage it, not those who ask their parents to remove challenged from their path. We need to prepare our children for adulthood, not ensure that childhood overseen by parenting is everlasting.

Adarajames · 09/08/2017 01:46

I see someone has already mentioned the course at the dog school in Essex, they may be able to suggest someone nearer your end of the world as obviously too far for you to go to them

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