don't want to be "that owner" but puppy may have to go back to breeder

[PoppyPopcorn]

Devastated. We've had our almost 12 week old puppy for a week. She is a very good, chilled out pup and we appear to be making progress with toileting.

However. My middle child has always been nervous around dogs but was so excited about getting the puppy. Unfortunately the reality of having a dog in the house is distressing him enormously - he's hiding in his room, won't come into the lounge if he thinks the puppy is around, can't be in a room with her unless someone's got a tight hold on her collar. After a week he's not improving and although he loves the idea of having a puppy the reality is just too much for him.

After a sleepless night with lots of tears last night DH and I have decided to speak to the breeder and see if she would potentially take the puppy back. We're pretty sure she'd take her.

I really didn't plan on being in this situation. We did our research, found the ideal puppy to join our family and knew what we were letting ourselves in for. The effect on my son's mental wellbeing as not something I had accounted for and we just can't have him uncomfortable in his own home for the foreseeable future. We also think that returning the puppy after just a week is the best thing for her - she's going back to a familiar setting with her mum and sibling.

But still. I feel dreadful about it. My other kids will be devastated. I'm gutted for them and gutted for the puppy. Trying to spin it to the kids that getting the pup was more of a lifestyle change than we had been prepared for as we don't want their brother to feel guilty.

Class A parenting fuck up and I just feel awful.

i had a friend with similar dilema. they returned the dog. she felt terrible but felt it was the best outcome for all concerned. pup rehomed no problem at all .

As he was happy in theory to get the puppy, could it be (just throwing ideas out here) that he is jealous of the attention the puppy is getting from you as being vulnerable and needy (his usual spot in the family maybe from what you've said??) and so is bringing the attention back to himself by making a thing about it to the extent you will return the puppy? Not consciously of course, but subconsciously.

I can imagine a 7yo being nervous as a pp has described as puppies are unpredictable in movement so the primal fear of being bitten is there. But at 12, most of the time (special needs aside which you say your ds hasn't got), most would be able to see that the puppy poses no physical threat.

If there is a chance of this scenario then I really don't know what you should do as returning the puppy might solve ds's problem but enforces a position as beimg more important or needy than the rest of the family as well as the puppy. But obviously you don't want him upset in his own home. Also you don't want him to develop a new fear of dogs which could be entrenched either by keeping or indeed returning the puppy.

It's a hard call.

DH is going to call the breeder this morning to discuss the problems we're experiencing and she what she says. We'll be guided by her advice, she's an experienced breeder who has 5 dogs of her own and knows the puppy too. I'm sure they will have no problem finding her a home of we do decide we can't continue- she is a lovely dog who would make a lovely pet for someone.

Also why didn't your ds handle the dog when you visited, both times? Was it because it wasn't allowed for some reason or was he reluctant? Most children and definitely 12yo would be overjoyed to hold or stroke a puppy especially one as cute as a golden retriever.

Of course your primary responsibility is to your children but you have the opportunity to reach them a lesson. Either about resilience and overcoming fear or giving up,
A week really isn't long and if it's ok to stroke puppy when it's secure it's more likely nerves than a real phobic fear.

What does your son say? At 12 he should be mature enough to be part of the decision about what to do now. If he wants to try to overcome his irrational fears and is prepared to work with you towards this then fair enough. If he's digging his heels in and refusing to consider this then it sounds like it would be too much of an uphill struggle.

Please don't be one of those dog owners who gives a dog up when it's 6-12 months old because it's too difficult- rescues are full of them. If you're going to do it - do it now while the dog has a chance of a good home.

Happy to stroke her but only when someone else holding her, or through a crate or stair gate. Terrified of her being unrestrained and free to roam.

Contact the breeder. Give the puppy the best chance to be rehomed when it's so young. Every week older it gets, it will be so much harder to rehome.

You should probably investigate what help you can get for your son as well. Unless he's had a previous bad experience with a dog, this does sound fairly extreme.

Do contact the breeder asap though. Your responsibility to the puppy is absolute.

From a breeders point of view the earlier you return the puppy the better. I am happy to take puppies back up to 12 months but then obviously it is more difficult for everyone. The younger the puppy the easier for new owners to settle it and train it. I always have more people wanting puppies than puppies available so could always guarantee a new and fully checked home. Your son sounds really worried about being up close and personal with dogs so I would steer clear of getting one as a pet until he is older and then go for an older dog that is past the boisterous puppy stage.

Why is he terrified? How has he been grieving up with dogs, cats, pets in general? Has he expressed nerves at dogs before? It seems odd if he's always been ok with dogs to suddenly develop a phobia of a very young puppy. If he hasn't always been ok with dogs why did you get one? Not a critisism at all, just trying to understand the set-up of this situation as cant see if it's ds suddenly taking against something that takes attention away from him or a genuine fear of dogs.

*growing up

Send the dog back and don't give it a second thought. Don't expect to get your money back. You don't have to adjust your son to fit in with the dog, that's just ridiculous.

What were your DC's taught about dogs when they were little? I.e. Not invading a dogs personal space, don't pet when they are eating etc. it's unusual for a 12 year old not to have the basic skills.

He's never been an animal fan but hasn't shown signs of fear before - more disinterest. A puppy jumped up at him once and licked his face which he hated. We wanted to get a dog as we felt it would be great for the whole family and felt we had a lot to offer.

I'm not expecting money back. That's not a concern here at all.

Have you asked him what he thinks will happen when the dog is free to roam and he's so terrified? I'm just trying to understand the mind set, it's a golden retriever puppy, not a full grown Alsatian (I'm aware I probably sound a bit mean but like I say, I'm struggling to understand, unless he's been previously attacked by a dog)

Poor puppy.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude but I am hearing this more and more - excuses for giving up on an animal that will be pushed from pillar to post and left feeling confused and with issues it would not have had, if it had been owned by someone who knew what they were doing.

Irresponsible to take on a puppy if your dc frightened of dogs - end of.

Don't get another one.

Rant over.

We won't be getting another one if we decide this one goes back. Ever. It's far too distressing for everyone.

Our dd 3 and ds 6 was scared of dogs. We got a puppy, ds spent a few months watching her from the safety of the table!! Maybe he needs professional help for his fear - that scared of dogs isn't good in rl. .
Our rottweiler is 8 now and all dc love her. .
Maybe get him a puppy guide book, show him how fun it is to train one - especially your chosen breed!!

If you have other children who are happy with the puppy I think you need to be very careful you aren't sending them the message that their needs aren't important. If you honestly want to keep the puppy I think you can get round this however if you are rethinking your decision it's best it goes back sooner.
My dd was terrified of dogs at 5, we visited friends and breeder many times till she was happy. She's 11 now and our dog is the children's best friend, he's the one they confide in when they are sad and runs round crazily with.

Please don't be one of those dog owners who gives a dog up when it's 6-12 months old because it's too difficult- rescues are full of them. If you're going to do it - do it now while the dog has a chance of a good home.

This x 1000.

Please return the puppy ASAP - for the dog's sake.

This book might help OP, What's My Dog Saying?

I would take it back now. You've had it for such a short time that it should be relatively easy for the breeder to find it another home and it won't have become too attached to you.

And get your DS some support because it does sound like a full blown phobia

If he's never been frightened just disinterested then I (armchair psychologist so know nothing!) think it's more likely jhe doesn't like the attention the puppy brings.

But you haven't got time for the puppy's sake to try for ages if it ultimately ends up with your ds still not accepting it.

I would probably return the puppy as I don't think your ds's issues (which manifest as fear but I don't think that's the root cause if ds has never been fearful up until now at 12) can be solved in the short window you have before the puppy gets too old and more difficult to rehome successfully.

I would however be taking a hard look at the situation rather than writing it off as ds being scared of dogs so that was that, in a box. If there's a hint ds is subconsciously controlling the family though his perceived sensitivity etc then you need to work on that more then anything. Imho. The puppy is just a symptom not the cause.

I agree with everything MissAligned says. A week is hardly any time at all! And your son is nearly a teenager. Surely, if as you say, your son loved the idea of having a puppy, and the rest of the family are happy with the dog, then he should be supported to overcome his fears and not give in to them. Get a trainer who has DC, or someone from your local dog walking community and start off by getting your son to interact or walk alongside an old, friendly, non-reactive dog.

A dog in the house is a huge change for everyone. A niece of mine had very strong fears when her family first adopted a dog, but she soon familiarised herself with the dog and they are inseparable companions now. Persist with this for your son and for the puppy.