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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

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Original poster

don't want to be "that owner" but puppy may have to go back to breeder

116 replies

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 07:12

Devastated. We've had our almost 12 week old puppy for a week. She is a very good, chilled out pup and we appear to be making progress with toileting.

However. My middle child has always been nervous around dogs but was so excited about getting the puppy. Unfortunately the reality of having a dog in the house is distressing him enormously - he's hiding in his room, won't come into the lounge if he thinks the puppy is around, can't be in a room with her unless someone's got a tight hold on her collar. After a week he's not improving and although he loves the idea of having a puppy the reality is just too much for him.

After a sleepless night with lots of tears last night DH and I have decided to speak to the breeder and see if she would potentially take the puppy back. We're pretty sure she'd take her.

I really didn't plan on being in this situation. We did our research, found the ideal puppy to join our family and knew what we were letting ourselves in for. The effect on my son's mental wellbeing as not something I had accounted for and we just can't have him uncomfortable in his own home for the foreseeable future. We also think that returning the puppy after just a week is the best thing for her - she's going back to a familiar setting with her mum and sibling.

But still. I feel dreadful about it. My other kids will be devastated. I'm gutted for them and gutted for the puppy. Trying to spin it to the kids that getting the pup was more of a lifestyle change than we had been prepared for as we don't want their brother to feel guilty.

Class A parenting fuck up and I just feel awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 10:46

Conversation had with the breeder. She is more than happy to take the puppy back and refund us which is unexpected (the refunding bit). We will discuss as a family tonight and see what we do. Very upset about the whole situation.

OP posts:

StarHeartDiamond · 28/07/2017 10:47

I missed the post further down where you said you were having doubts too.

What are your doubts, outside the issue with ds?

Headhitspillow · 28/07/2017 10:49

I think this situation requires you to be completely and utterly honest with yourself.
Your Ds's fears are one thing, fairly extreme by the sound of it, but I agree with PP that if the rest of the family are onboard these fears could and should be overcome at his age and that it's not the greatest idea to return pup because of them. It sounds as if he is being gentle and doing what he feels is manageable with pup and that there is definitely the likelihood he will grow in confidence and the pup will become an adored family member (do appreciate it can't be nice seeing him distressed right now).

However- you mentioned YOU are having doubts. This is completely different and makes me wonder if you a slightly relieved (for want of a better word) that there is way out of all this being given to you by your son. That is not a criticism, you wouldn't be the first person to feel this way, but if there is any truth to it then I would return the puppy as soon as possible to give it the least stress possible.

InvisableLobstee · 28/07/2017 10:50

I pretty much agree with girlie and I am wondering if your ds has any nice school friends who like dogs and are used to them? My dd (13)loves dogs since we really focused on that bringing her up with my background. She is very confident with them and was a big help to us when we rehomed our current rescue dog at 7 month old, who was quite naughty and playfully nipped a lot. Dd absolutely loves her and is so good at following the advice we got from a dog behaviorist on stopping the nipping. If your son has a friend who likes dogs they would probably love to see the pup and at 12 cope well with any naughty behaviour it does. That might help get your son to see how to act round the puppy and he might like showing it off so he will see a more positive side to dog ownership.

Original poster

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 10:53

My doubts are more the usual new puppy doubts around what the hell have i done, this has ruined my life, not sleeping, wiping up poo and wee, this little bundle of fur completely taking over my life in a way i'm not ready for. I think a lot of new puppy owners feel the same way. Maybe it's very selfish but i;m not sure at this point that I am willing to give myself 100% to a puppy, however cute.

OP posts:

hippyhippyshake · 28/07/2017 10:58

From your last post, you must give the puppy back as it sounds like you will be doing the majority of the grunt work and you are resenting it already (understandably) If you really want a dog, then an older rescue dog sounds more suitable.

Original poster

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 11:02

I definitely will be doing most of the work - DH at work and kids out at school. I am not sure how I;m feeling though - if it's just post puppy blues and panic, or a genuine concern. I'm also hormonal and getting over food poisoning, which doesn't help. But if deep down I am subconsciously wanting her gone, why am I so upset about it?

OP posts:

InvisableLobstee · 28/07/2017 11:04

That sort of doubt is very common as you will see on this board! Getting a puppy is just like having a boisterous, bitey toddler thrust into your life. A bit of a culture shock to a first time dog owner.
Yes it is going to be a lot of work at first and added work for you with your ds. Only you and Dh can decide if it's worth it to your family so do something calming and dont panic but listen to your heart on this one.

Crispdeficiency · 28/07/2017 11:08

Sorry, I don't want to to sound rude op, but why did you get a puppy then? Surely you expected broken nights, poo and pee and all of that? There are about two threads on here a day about what a huge commitment a puppy is. Of course it will get better, but the first year is tough going.

KarmaNoMore · 28/07/2017 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crispdeficiency · 28/07/2017 11:10

Xpost

Sorry you are feeling ill op, that will make everything seem more overwhelming.

BiteyShark · 28/07/2017 11:13

I found having a puppy very hard and regretted the impact on my life for several weeks. Puppy regret is common. I think there have been two recent threads about this as well. That feeling is perfectly normal.

I kept at it because I knew it would be a phase. I will admit if someone had magicked him away in the early weeks I would have been relieved so I can understand why your DC fears are giving you a 'valid' reason to send him back. My dog is 10 months old and I would be utterly deverstated if anything happened to him as he is such a loved part of the family and so glad I got him but yes in those early weeks it was very hard.

StarHeartDiamond · 28/07/2017 11:14

Poppy - genuinely am not having a go but did you not research or read up on puppies before you got her wrt weeding and pooing and waking up in the night? It sounds like you are responsible in that you have carefully selected a good breeder so I am really surprised that didn't read up on it all before you got the puppy too. Obviously that doesn't solve your current problem and you are trying to put it right responsibly but it just seems oddly foolish for someone who's clearly so conscientious in other ways to be surprised by a 9-10 week old (when you got her) puppy's normal behaviour.

Original poster

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 11:15

Yes we did loads of reading - but nothing really prepares you for the reality of it all. It was the same with my first child, I thought I was super organised and really well prepared but when the baby/puppy arrives it's a totally different ball game.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 28/07/2017 11:19

OP , who wanted this puppy in the first place ?

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 28/07/2017 11:21

I'm glad to see that your breeder will take the puppy back, a responsible one always will. But it needs to go back now so that it has a chance at a permanent home.

Downright daft to get a puppy with a child "nervous around dogs" who never got to handle one before you committed to it. My brother did similar and I was cross with him as well. They aren't toys or experiments.

Original poster

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 11:22

DH and my youngest child were the driving force behind wanting to get the puppy.

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 28/07/2017 11:30

He was OK when we visited the puppies (twice) at the breeder but both times they were in pens or behind fences to contain them.

This is what really annoys me, tbh. The breeder didn't think it important to get the puppy out of the pen for a while, and see how all the children interacted with him?

That strikes me as really irresponsible.

ineedaholidaynow · 28/07/2017 11:32

It's not really fair to get a dog if the people wanting the dog aren't the ones who are actually going to do the most work with the dog. You can never rely on children being responsible but your DH needs to step up if you keep the puppy.

I seem to remember there is a thread on here from a couple of years ago from someone who got a retriever puppy and couldn't believe how hard work it was. Again I think it was the DH and children who had been the driving force behind the decision. The OP in that thread really struggled to bond with the puppy but with plenty of help and advice on here she persevered and after many months she came to love the dog. But it was hard work. Sorry I don't know how to link to the thread, but if someone else can, it might be a good read for you. To see what will be involved and whether you would be willing to do that, as well as helping DS to overcome his fear.

JigglyTuff · 28/07/2017 11:32

If the person who is going to be doing the lion's share of the dogcare isn't the driving force behind getting a dog, it's doomed to failure IMO. I got a dog because I wanted one. And there have been many times when I've thought 'oh fuck, what have I done'.

If you're not totally on board, you will resent the dog and training it will be enormously hard work.

Send it back and don't get another dog.

Summerswallow · 28/07/2017 11:33

So DH who is out all day wanted the puppy, and the youngest child who will do the least in terms of actually caring for it?

I think this isn't just about your son at all, it's about you and your life as well. I know I wouldn't want this, which is why, despite my husband wanting a dog more than anything, I'm just not prepared to have one as I know I would be the one whose life would be impacted negatively (and positively) in a really big way.

I hope you find a good way forward OP, it does sound like you are not on board yourself, and your son's nervousness is giving you an 'out', But it has to be a family decision. I do think, given you aren't an experienced dog owner, that a slightly older calmer already socialized dog would have been a better entry point for both you and your nervous son.

Summerswallow · 28/07/2017 11:37

And, I agree with the 'life turned upside down' bit of having a golden retriever puppy, my friends weren't prepared either, and it's taken about a year, plus basically becoming a dog-oriented family (so only holidaying where boisterous dog can go, doing things around dog walking) for things to calm down. There's a lot of rewards if you love dogs, you don't sound like you do and I would worry this isn't really a good move for you personally, you've done it to please others, a bit like your nervous son really. I think you are crying as this is exposing all types of other emotions and fault-lines in the marriage, plus I'm sure the dog is cute, but I don't think it's because you have bonded with the dog so strongly you couldn't live without it.

MrsMozart · 28/07/2017 11:38

We have two Rottweiler puppies. They're in (mahoosive) crates unless it's playtime / chill time with us. We have other dogs and two of them would be stressed should they be faced with free-reign puppies. Over time the pups will be out more. They're happy and safe in their respective crates so it's win-win.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 28/07/2017 11:42

OP, you really need to talk properly to your DC and find out if he has scared but wants to get over and keep the puppy or whether he wants the puppy gone.

It may not be very good for his mental health either if puppy the whole family wanted is gone because of him, and family will never ever own a dog because of him.

BigApple11 · 06/08/2017 08:15

How are things OP?

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