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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

Original poster

Questions you'd ask your dog if he/she could speak (lighthearted!)

79 replies

Focusfocus · 06/10/2015 09:04

So lately I've been itching to ask my dog a few things. For example -

  1. When you pitifully look at our food do you consider that we never ask for your food
OP posts:
Original poster
Focusfocus · 06/10/2015 09:07

Argh, pressed submit too soon! Contd -

  1. When you sit and stare at the outside or generally hang around, what exactly are you thinking?
  2. Where do you think food comes from?
  3. Where do you think we go when we leave the house?
  4. Why do you smell the air if someone farts? Including you yourself.
  5. And lastly, do you feel maligned and uncared for when you get fucking expensive kibble while we chomp on curries, pasta, pizza, burgers etc? Do you think we do it on ourpose to hurt you?
  6. Why is it nicer to shit indoors if it's raining?

What do YOU all want to ask them if you could!

OP posts:
ozzia · 06/10/2015 09:32
  1. Of your 4 legged friends, who is your favourite?
  2. Do the different flavours of dog food actually taste different?
  3. How is it you can sleep so easily?
  4. Do you chose to wag your tail or does it just happen?
  5. Are you aware you're naked?
  6. Who is your favourite human? (I know its me but it would be nice for him to tell me)
  7. Do you know we're a different species to you?
Original poster
Focusfocus · 06/10/2015 10:06

Yes to all those! And

  1. Do you understand that you cannot form words and sentences like us? How does that make you feel?
  2. What's your biggest worry?
OP posts:
LumelaMme · 06/10/2015 10:11
  1. Why do you bark at other dogs and how can I persuade you to stop? Is it because you're scared by them, even though 99% of the dogs you know are very friendly?
  2. Why have you lately taken to kicking off the back sofa cushions?
  3. When we're in the woods, can you tell how old the animal tracks you scent are?
  4. Similarly, when you smell another dog's pee, what does it tell you? Any clues as to age, size or colour, or just if it's a bitch or a dog? Can you tell if it's a dog you know? (I'm sure you can.)
  5. Why didn't you chase those two muntjac you put up this morning? I expected you to go tearing off, but no, the smells under the trees were more interesting?
  6. Do you realise that we had your balls cut off?
hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 06/10/2015 10:18

To Mollie:

  1. How do you feel about Daniel the spaniel (AKA CopDog)?
  2. What goes through your head when you see the lawn mower/hoover/small wheels on a scooter and why do you want to herd those items/
  3. Do you really like Countryfile?
  4. Do you really think you are your inferiors?

To Daniel:

  1. What was life like before you came to us? Where did you go when they threw you out?
  2. Do you trust us not to do the same?
ozzia · 06/10/2015 10:20

Oh I have more...

  1. What do you dream about when you twitch in your sleep?
  2. How to you communicate with other dogs without barking?
  3. Do dogs have regional accents? Could you understand a french dog?
  4. Do you feel loved?
happygardening · 06/10/2015 11:04

Why do you repeatedly steal and eat the bloody clothes pegs instead of those nice chewy toys I bought for you?
Which one of you is doing it? You both look at each other when I ask?

MarcoPoloCX · 06/10/2015 11:12

Why can't you just do as you're told. Lol.

DiscoDiva70 · 06/10/2015 11:29
  1. Do you communicate with other dogs or any other animals telepathically?
  2. Do you prefer dogs who are the same breed as you?
  3. If ghosts really do exist, can you see/hear them?
  4. How does it feel to smell things that we humans can't?
  5. Do you know that we 'drive' a car, or do you believe we sit there and it moves itself?
  6. Do you know how loved you make us feel when we come home and you're so happy to see us?
  7. Can you tell the time?
  8. Do you think about the puppies you've had and wonder if they're ok?
  9. Do you like /hate certain music?
  10. Do you wish you could walk upright?
happygardening · 06/10/2015 11:42

What is it about cats that you find so irresistible, despite knowing from personal experience that if you annoy them you'll get a claw over the end of you nose?

sparechange · 06/10/2015 11:49

1: What are you dreaming about when you bark and twitch in your sleep
2: When you try and get onto our bed in the night/early morning, is it because you are lonely, or want a cuddle, or just because our bed is comfier than yours?
3: why are you scared of such dumb stuff, and fearless around things you should be scared of?
4: are you actually hungry when you stare longingly at your empty bowl, or just a bit greedy
5: What do you think is going on when you watch TV? Do you think those people/animals are actually inside our house?
6: What are you thinking about when you stare through the glass door into the garden?
7: Why do you love nothing more than jumping into the freezer and stinky lake in the park at any opportunity, but howl when you have to get into a bath of clean water?

SweetLathyrus · 06/10/2015 14:46

Dear Pup . . .

  1. You do know, don't you, that the cat doesn't like you as much as you think she does?
  2. You think I am playing with socks every time I shut a door on you, don't you?
  3. Do you really have fluff for brains? Or are you playing dumb so that I get over generous with the treats?
  4. What is it about that Golden Retriever (and only her) that makes her so irresistible that you have to embarrass me every time you meet?
  5. Why do you love us more when you are wet, smelly or both?

Finally, are you happy we picked you, because we couldn't be more pleased.

nightmarehair · 06/10/2015 14:47
  1. why do you always bark at people at the door even when they have a key?
  2. why do you nibble the cats fur?
  3. are you aware you're not better than a human?
  4. why do you hate all other dogs?
  5. why do you always jump on me if I have heels on? Hmm
MajesticWhine · 06/10/2015 14:54
  1. What is so delightful about rolling in fox shit?
  2. Why must you rub your arse on the rug in the living room?
  3. What makes you think you will get away with it when you have grubby paws and yet you still jump onto my bed?
  4. If you did manage to catch a squirrel in the park, what would you do next?
  5. What did you do to that dog up the road that makes her hate you so much?
  6. If we got another dog, would you make friends with it or would you be horrible? (think I know the answer to that one)
  7. Do you like it when DH takes you out running for 10 miles or do you wish he would leave you in peace.
ChairRider4 · 06/10/2015 15:19

Why do you have to sniff every dogs arse when we meet

OrionsAccessory · 06/10/2015 15:35
  1. Why do you have to eat everything all of the time? And is there anything I can do to dissuade you from doing this?!
  2. Do you miss your first owner? Did you love them more than us?
  3. Are you aware you are the best, happiest, cutest dog in the whole world?
NKFell · 06/10/2015 15:42
  1. Why do you stare at me when someone starts talking to you?
  2. Does wearing a collar get on your nerves?
  3. Do you know you're a dog?
  4. Do you feel superior when you see 'naughty' dogs chasing the ducks?
  5. When the other dog bark's and you start, do you have any idea what you're barking at?
Ookmybanana · 06/10/2015 15:48
  1. Is there anything I can do to make your life better? Do you want to play more?
  2. Why is food so hit and miss with you?
  3. What do you think the people walking outside the house are going to do exactly? Does barking at them make you feel better?
  4. Would you kill the postie if you met face to face?
  5. How do you know that dogs that don't look like you are still the same as you?
  6. Why don't I get greeted as much as DH when we come in, even though I am your favourite?
  7. Do you like all the different ways we do or would you prefer to do the same one?
  8. Do you miss our old house/garden and are you ok in this one?

I do worry about him, even though he's a happy chappy. He's my best boy.

Battleshiphips2 · 06/10/2015 16:20
  1. what did people do to you to make you so nervous? (rescue dog)
  2. Why do you cower when I sometimes make a sudden movement?
  3. do you know we'll never hurt you and that we love you?
  4. Do my ears taste nice?!
  5. What on earth possessed you to eat your own crap?
  6. Are you happy?
  7. Why did you piss on my sister?!
  8. Do you understand me when I talk to you? (Convinced ddog does)
  9. Do you feel uncomfortable taking a crap in front of us?

Our ddog was rescued by us from someone who was keeping him locked in an outhouse in winter time. He hates being locked in any room now. We know he was mistreated but just not sure to some extent. Pretty sure he was physically hurt at some point and by children too. He is a lovely dog but totally mad. We love him and I'd love to get inside his mind to see what he is thinking. I hope he's happy with us.

Deadnettle · 06/10/2015 16:29

Dear puppy

When are you going to start liking walks?

Do you understand that all the screaming whining you do gets you nothing and that we would love you to stop doing it?

cosytoaster · 06/10/2015 16:32

These are great!

I'd like to ask:

  1. Why won't you eat dog food, when other dogs love it?
  2. Do you sigh on purpose or does it just happen?
  3. In winter when I'm out do you prefer to wear a jumper or do you get too hot?
  4. When we go for a walk do you realise it's for you and not me?
  5. Do you feel affection for your doggy cousin or just like him because he's familiar?
  6. Do you ever wag so much it hurts your lower back?
Frequency · 06/10/2015 16:37
  1. Why do you keep getting your mouth stuck in things? Why did you not learn the first time or the second time or the third time or the fourth time....
  2. Why have you not learned that you cannot fly? Ducks fly, dogs do not.
  3. Why do you presume all bin liners have food in them?
  4. Why do you steal food from bins anyway when you get fed meat and rice 2 x a day and have round the clock access to kibble. Surely mouldy bread does not taste that nice?
  5. How long will it take you to learn that rabbits are smaller than you? Rescuing you from fences and rabbit holes is not fun.
  6. Why do you keep trying to make friends with the cat when you know he will attack you as soon as look at you?
  7. Are you just astoundingly, mind numbingly stupid or do you fancy a fireman as your new co owner? (see above questions about getting stuck places)
Sadik · 06/10/2015 16:42

  1. Why won't you follow the vet's advice and sit on a nice comfy soft bed, rather than (a) the hard floor / (b) wet grass and (c) carpet at a stretch so long as you've moved the comfortable dog rug

  2. Why do you sigh and refuse to lay down if there's no dog rug in your accustomed place, when you always move it out of your way before sitting down anyway?

  3. Why when you patently understand so much of what we say do you refuse to let us remove mud from between your toes, given that it must be uncomfortable, and makes you limp terribly?

ExConstance · 06/10/2015 16:47

I'd ask Butch:

  1. What is it about the way DS2 scratches behind your ears that is better than anyone else's efforts?
  2. Why do you hate other dogs so much and love other people so much
  3. Did you understand when you were in the kennels for 2 years that no one wanted to give you a home? Do you understand we love you?
  4. Why do you want to get into white vans?
Drew64 · 06/10/2015 16:56

Great thread.

  1. Why do you keep running away, that's how you got sent to the dogs home before and you continue to do it even though we all love and spoil you.
  2. Why do your farts smell so god awful and why don't you cover your nose or leave the room like we do.
  3. Why do you tread in your own shit in the garden.
  4. Why do you sit and stare at my wife when you know that I'm the one that gets up and lets you out for a pee.
  5. What exactly are you trying to achieve when you paw your blanket around in your bed for 20 mins.
  6. Why is that treat we gave you yesterday so much nicer after its been buried in the garden for 24 hours, it look grim!
  7. Are you scared of fireworks and thunder or do you just want to kill it!