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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

Original poster

Questions you'd ask your dog if he/she could speak (lighthearted!)

79 replies

Focusfocus · 06/10/2015 09:04

So lately I've been itching to ask my dog a few things. For example -

  1. When you pitifully look at our food do you consider that we never ask for your food
OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 06/10/2015 22:36

Brilliant thread.

DDog1, how on earth do you squeeze through the banisters to avoid the stairgate. Nobody has ever seen you do it, so perhaps you bend them?
DDog2, how on earth can a tiny Yorkie make that ENORMOUS howl. Do you have a concealed microphone?
DDog3, what is the deal with sticks? Why sticks? We buy you balls, toys, kongs...but nope, it is a stick every time. Oops, I said s.t.i.c.k.
DDog4, do you remember all your other owners and compare them to us? Are you happy in your retirement home. When you bustle about guarding the house does it make you tired or proud?

diplodocus · 06/10/2015 22:39

Where have you hidden my crocs?

BikeMum8 · 06/10/2015 23:22

Our oldie is going blind. I'd love to ask her if she could PLEASE keep her eyes open when the vet needs to examine her, then I'd tell to to please stop removing her contact lens!

BikeMum8 · 06/10/2015 23:24

Loving this thread. I could ask so many of the questions here .

AlisonWunderland · 06/10/2015 23:31

Why do you chase cars?
If you ever caught one, what would you do with it?

GinBunny · 06/10/2015 23:52
  1. Were you always a street dog or did you have a loving family once?
  2. What did they do to you in the shelter that gave you such awful bruises and a cracked rib?
  3. Were you scared when you came to the UK or did you know you were safe?
  4. Do you understand it when we talk to you in English? Only, when my friend spoke to you in your native Romanian you responded to him in a way you never have to us.
  5. Do you really prefer lying on carrier bags/lino instead of cushions or is it habit?
  6. Do you get bored of eating chicken and rice for every meal, even though you go bonkers for it and anything else makes you throw up?
  7. What do you really think we are doing when we are trying to teach you fetch?
  8. Do you know that when I turn over in my sleep I'm not really kicking you I'm just moving and you don't need to snap at me?
  9. Why do you look behind the TV when there are puppies whimpering on telly? Are you a daddy?
10. Do you know how utterly utterly loved you are and how much happy you make us? Sorry, not as lighthearted as I'd started out. My poor rescue has had a tough time of it and I love him so much, I just wish he could tell us about the life he had before.
lavenderhoney · 06/10/2015 23:57

Why do you rush outside, and then after 20 mins rush indoors only to poop in the dining room? You do know that's why I'm changing the floor,right?

Why do you stare at me, and tilt your head? Have your been reading MN?

Why do you let the DC lug you about and sit there wagging your tail, whilst they tie ribbons in your fur? Why? After I lectured them you wouldn't like it. You like it, don't you?

Why do the pet rabbits like you so much and hop over to nuzzle you? And lay against you against their hutch run when you lay against it. What are you talking about? You all look at me when I go into the garden to see what's going on. It's un nerving, tbh.

Original poster
Focusfocus · 07/10/2015 02:09

sladegreen and plomino - Nail. On. The. Head!!!

OP posts:
sheldonesque · 07/10/2015 02:17

To my darling dog who is no longer here.

Do you forgive me for not realising how ill you were on your last night with me? Please tell me you weren't in pain.

Do you know how much you were (and still are) loved?

x

ExBallerina · 07/10/2015 03:00

Ddog1-Why do you hate other dogs so much? Did something happen to you before you came to us? I wish I knew. You're such a good dog-I just want to take you for walks in peace.

Ddog2-why must you follow your sister's bad habits? Why? Did you know that's just a leaf?

SteveBrucesNose · 07/10/2015 04:08

To GirlDog:

  1. Did your big lovely BoyDog feel loved and looked after when we let him go?
  2. Are you ok without him? They'd been together about 7-8 years and she's very nervous and scared and would hide behind him at all times when scared - she now sits on my foot and looks at me to help her.
  3. Do you not realise when your stomach is full, or do you just have no off-switch when it comes to food?
  4. How exactly did you lose your eye?
  5. Who are you waiting for when you sit watching the door when we're all home?
  6. Can you really see our ghost? Who is it, and will you tell them to stop making weird things happen.
  7. Did you mind when we brought home
YoungGirl? She's not a replacement for BoyDog, she just needed lots of love and help. Did you realise how poorly she was? You seemed to.
  1. How many puppies did you have? The vet seems to think you had some.
  2. You know you're my favourite current doggy, don't you?

To YoungGirl:

  1. How did you know the minute DH walked into that horrible place that he was trustworthy? How did you know he'd take you home, and when you got there how did you know that he was your human to cuddle when you got scared of the big bouncy GirlDog
  2. How did you end up in the horrible place? Do you kiss your German Shepherd buddy?
  3. Why the fuck do you not listen?!
  4. Do you like me at all? I'm the one who feeds you, plays with you most, takes you to the vet when you're poorlyoh shit, that's why you hate me, isn't it
Wordsaremything · 07/10/2015 05:31

To Meg
You are my heart dog, my special girl and beloved friend. I love every last little grey hair of your 16 year old furry self. You are a dog in a million and thinking of being without you is beyond unbearable. I hope I've kept to those secret words I whispered in your ear as I took you home from the animal shelter almost 15 years ago now. I think I have. You have given me far more though, than I could ever repay.

Wordsaremything · 07/10/2015 05:35

Oh Sheldon. Have a hug xx

RuthSovoie · 07/10/2015 07:46

Had a good laugh here.

NorksAreMessy · 07/10/2015 07:54

I am veering between laughing and tearful.

How do dogs worm their way SO deeply into our hearts?
Every single day ours make us laugh out loud
Even when I am suffering periodic bouts of depression, they know what to do and will come and just sit quietly next to me, no fuss, just being there.
I love my dogs...although four might be too many.
Even now DH keeps saying 'just one more?'. They bring such joy.

And mud, they bring quite a bit of mud as well

TheTigerIsOut · 07/10/2015 08:36

Where's the wee? (She is meekly sitting downstairs with her guilty face, while I am going around the house trying to find out what she has done)

FyreFly · 07/10/2015 10:34

Oh yes and one more (same dog as before):

Why did you eat that rock? It bounced very prettily off my shoe when you threw it up on my feet, but I have no idea what nutritional value you hoped to gain...

punter · 07/10/2015 20:45

To punter lab
1 Why do you bark at the children outside on their way to school but not at any children who come into the house
2 What do you think when we pick up your shit in a bag and put it in a bin
3 Why do you play chase but as soon as the other dog barks with excitement put your tail down and look pathetic
4 And why do you lie down before greeting any other dog and make people smile then frighten them when you jump up to play chase (see 3 above)
5 Does lying on your back with everything on view make you feel better and relaxed?
Great thread btw

ArtyKitty · 08/10/2015 19:19

What have my garden plants done to offend you so much?

knackered69 · 08/10/2015 21:32

Wtaf is so offensive about the retriever down the street -did he spill your pint?

Why do you stalk?

Do you miss your owners? Sad they both died so you came to us - what do you make of it all?

Why don't you like coming through doors slightly ajar - like you are too shy to push yourself forward?

That left over Vindaloo that I inadvertently left out the other day - you obviously scoffed it cos although you were lying there looking all innocent next to the empty bowl - you still had a piece of coriander stuck to your nose Hmm did you enjoy it? Would you prefer me to order something else next time?

Why do you lick piss off nettles?

Why do you drink from the village pond when you have a perfectly good water bowl at home?

When I lie on the sofa and pretend to cuddle one of your squeeky toys, why do you yelp with outrage, run over, and pick it up off my chest and take it over to the other sofa -repeat ad nauseum.

Why do I love you so much Grin

WhoAteMyToast · 08/10/2015 22:50

Do you know how loved you are?

Are you happy?

Why did you eat that bed?

What did the shoes, socks, and clothes pegs taste like - really?

Is your life interesting or boring?

Do you think about your mum and siblings?

We miss you when we are away, do you miss us?

What's the attraction of rabbit poo? Is it chewy?

Do you really think it is OK to sit in chairs in cafes, or are you just winding me up?

I'd quite like to be a dog - easy life - would you recommend it?

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/10/2015 00:32

To my sister's Wee Dog:

Why are you such a dick to everyone and everything? My sister loves you and Big Mutt has always been patient and kind to you. Yet you are a total arse to them. And it seems to make you happy.

BestIsWest · 10/10/2015 09:40
  1. Did you know we were all there with you at the end, stroking and holding you?
  2. Do you know how much we miss you?
ChairRider4 · 10/10/2015 20:16

Why when you have nice cosy bed blankets do you ignore and prefer to lie on the cold hard floor

What is it about preferring to eat your bone with it balanced on my lap .I am not your table

purpletamsin · 10/10/2015 20:22

Why must you shout at the postman? Every single day despite being told off, every single day. You have a fantastic memory so why must you 'forget' that you're not allowed to shout at the poor postie!

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