Questions you'd ask your dog if he/she could speak (lighthearted!)

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So lately I've been itching to ask my dog a few things. For example -

1. When you pitifully look at our food do you consider that we never ask for your food

Dear Pickle

Do you know how long we've been out when we come back? Sometimes you act like we've been gone for weeks when it's only been half an hour.

Why is dirty puddle water so good and clean fresh water so bad? And why do you love the smell of fox poo so much that you have to roll in it?

You do know that we're playing when we do tug of war don't you?

And I'd also like to know if you choose to wag your tail or if it wags itself?

And do you forgive me for working longer hours? You know I still adore you, I hope?

Nacho do you know i love you just as much now as the day i brought you home?
Why do you like to eat cat shit? Its actually rank :/
I hope that i make you as happy and feel as loved as you make me. It makes me feel amazing when you come bounding down the stairs to see me when i get home no matter if its been 10mins or an hour

Ddog1

1. Did you know when the cat died or did you think she just disappeared?
2. What did the two of you get up to when you were home alone?
3. How do you feel about your baby sister?
4. Do you realise that after a certain point whn you cock your leg you've run out of wee?
5. Why do you choose some leaves/walls/etc to pee on and not others?
6. Do you know what you do that makes other dogs hate you?

Ddog2

1. What is so terrifying about the ceramic beer keg?
2. Do you hog the bed on purpose?
3. Where do you think ddog1 goes in between visits

1. Why is the vacuum cleaner The Most Terrifying Thing In The Whole World, when we've had you since 9 weeks and you have never had any incidents with hoovers?

1. Who had you for those first 8 weeks; where, and why? What did they do to make you so submissive, even with people who are kind, gentle to you and love you to bits? Why do you growl at little girls but love boys and adults of whatever gender? Did a little girl hurt you?

1. Why do you think my neighbour John, is cooler than me, when I feed you and walk you and all John does is walk through the gate when he comes in from work?

1. How did you feel when we brought you home from the rescue, that Saturday morning?

1. Do you ever wonder who the dog before you was? Although she died 2 days after you were born and 9 weeks before you came here, you must have still been able to smell her around the place, with your super-sensitive sense of smell... Did you wonder where she'd gone?

1. Why is Son 4 your favourite person (apart from neighbour) in the entire world when he never feeds you, never bothered to do training classes with you (that was son 5) and never comes with us on your walks? Is it because he is a nuts little puppy like you? And we're all boring and sensible?

1. And finally - why the hell did you take til 7 months to be toilet trained? What was going on in that little brain?

And, as everyone else says - do you know how loved you are?