Questions you'd ask your dog if he/she could speak (lighthearted!)

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So lately I've been itching to ask my dog a few things. For example -

1. When you pitifully look at our food do you consider that we never ask for your food

I would ask Peanut

What is so compelling about sniffing DD's pants?
Can you not taste if meat from the bin is off? Or do you feel the fear and do it anyway?
Do you actually think you are human?

These are all fantastic and very valid questions, but I particularly like no. 2. Sadik, it seems to sum up the chasm of incomprehension!

And Frequency to your no. 2, I could add, swallows (too fast, and they fly), helicopters (too big and whirry, and they fly) and the crows (they are just trying to wind you up, and they fly!)

Dear Georgeousbutthickasmincehound

Why , when you are indoors , do you sit by the back door , grizzling pathetically to go out , and then when we let you out , why do you scrabble pathetically at the back door until we let you in ? Why ? When there is barely thirty seconds between the two events ?

Stupid dog doesn't chase any of those, Sweet, just ducks. He tried it with geese once, oddly despite never learning how big he is in comparison to small spaces, he learned pdq that geese do not fly, nor do they run, they assemble into geese attack squads and chase back, he now cannot even look at the geese

1. Why do you eat so much cow poo when we feed you delicious food at home? 2)Why do you only chase rabbits in the fields and leave alone the bastard bunnies eating my carrots? 3)What are doge really doing when they sniff each other's butt and lick their bits? 4)When you're really happy, how does your tail go round and round instead of side to side
2. What happened to you before you were rescued? Did you have a lovely home and get lost? How did you survive all alone on the streets?
3. How come you take up the whole of a 3 seater sofa that we chose specifically because it could fit 2 people and a doggy?

What is your problem with caterpillars?
Why do you jump out of your skin when you fart?
Why are your farts audible? I had never heard a dog fart before you arrived!
Why can't you just behave!?! Life would be so much easier if you just resisted the urge to jump on other dogs. You could be off lead all the time then you wally!

I'd ask Eric

What makes dirty pants so attractive to you?
Why do you do that sneaky tail wag when you fart is it to distribute the stink or is that farting makes you happy?
What makes some dogs instantly attractive to you and why don't you like black labradors?
How do you know that there will be someone at the door before they have even set foot on the path?
How come you are grumpy some days? What happens to make you grumpy?

I'd ask:

1. Why do you circle round and round, over and over before peeing/pooing, and even then sometimes decide that particular spot isn't the right place and start again somewhere else?
2. When you sit in front of me and stare intently into my eyes what do you want from me?
3. When you sit and stare at you reflection in the bottom of the piano do you know it's you you're looking or do you think it's another dog?
4. Why do you bark at the German Shepherd down the road when you don't bark at any other dogs, ever? He's never done anything to cause you displeasure.
5. Have you any idea how much I love you?

I would ask my dog if she were still alive

1 if your nose is so sensitive, why do you have to get it so close to everything you are smelling?

and, like so many PPs

2 have you any idea how much we love you?

Why are you scared of the cat when he is facing towards you but not when he is facing away? Do you not realise that the back end of the cat is connected to the front end, and both ends have eleventy-squillion claws to hurt you with, and the evil needed to use them?

Why, ddog2, do you bark at the postman, the bin men, and the neighbours when they are walking up their own drive??. You are the intelligent one, of you and ddog1 - why have you not yet realised that none of these people have malign intent?

I ask how comes you don't like pooing in your own garden and bark at front door to someone takes you out .As it still gets picked up the same

Oh and how comes you developed a camel bladder and will refuse to pee after 7pm to 6.30 /7am

Oh what lovely lovely responses! Been reading them out to DH!

Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

I'd definately ask our pooch why the frig he looks so hard done by whenever I'm eating my dinner after I've JUST fed him .

By the look in his eyes, you'd think I'd just stolen his last tenner off of him and spent it on crack. It's a mixture of sadness and disappointment.

Why do you keep licking your boy bits .Is it the equivalent of human make hand down your trousers

Do you know your balls are going do you even care

Where the the fuck have you hidden my other welly sock?

I would like to ask Sadie:

Why do you prefer to lie in your crate in the kitchen rather than come and join us in the sitting room and lie on the lovely mat in there? Don't you know we feel really hurt that you seem to not like being with us in the evening?

How do you manage not to wee for many hours on end? I am in awe of your bladder.

Do you feel humiliated when we shout "dance doggy dance" when you want your food and you do the cute hoppy, paw dance?

If you had opposable thumbs would I be obsolete?
Why does food taste better out of the bin?
Do you have hopes and dreams?

Cashewnutty, don't you think number three answers number one?!

Ddog1: when I dragged the behaviourist you'd just mauled out of your reach, why didn't you try to hurt me too? I know you love and trust me now, but that was the first you'd ever seen me, what did I do to deserve your trust from the start. That has long confused me, as has my madness at just knowing that she wouldn't hurt me.

Ddog2: why do you persist in annoying ddog1 when you know she will lose her temper with you and kick your butt?

Ddog3: why do you like being dressed up by DS so much? (Same to you ddog2) You look ridiculous!

DH always wonders if ddog is lonely for another dog buddy. I'd love to ask her as I think she prefers being the only dog in the house.

But what I really want to ask is "am I your favourite??". Or is it whoever smells most of cheese?

Why the hell do you eat grass all the time?? It's not like we don't feed you. And then you bring it all up on the carpet and get dangly poo the next day.

Why the hell do you LICK scents on the walk?? You make yourself sick (and it's disgusting).

WHY THE JEFFING HELL DO YOU START WHINING AT 5-BLOODY-AM AND DON'T STOP UNTIL WE GET UP?!? THERE IS ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL YOU NEED!! (He's 6, not on his own - we have two dogs, will still whine after being let out so doesn't need the toilet, and has never been walked at 5 fucking AM.)

Frankly, it's a good job this dog wasn't my first... If he had been I can say for certain he would be my last. I love him to bits, but I've never had a dog like him before, and hope I never have one again.

1. Tell me why you think that it's a good idea to take on a field of bullocks when the cat duffs you up?

1. Talking of the cat, why do you have to check every couple of hours if he wants to be your friend, did the last nine hundred times he's attacked you not hint that relations were going to be less than warm?

Love this thread.
Oscar when are you going to realise you will never catch a squirrel? You are 9 ffs?
Do you realise I was scared of dogs and now wouldn't be without you?