My dog is a Fucking Twatface.

[monkeyfacegrace]

Why? Just why do dogs turn into twats at around 8 months old?

Monkeyfacetwatdog had a lovely recall.

We walked for an hour this morning over the fields, she romped with other dogs, chased balls and butterflies, and rolled in fox shit. Fun fun fun

So why, oh Jesus Christ WHY, whenever there is the slightest gap in the front door when the kids are coming in or out, does she make a beeline for it, and then RUN AWAY.

I call her, she looks at me to say 'you dumb bitch', then legs it. Oh bouncy bouncy isn't this fun I'm going to play with the foal next door, or knock over any children in my way and hop like a bastarding new lamb in front of anything that gets in my way.

I also have twatdog who does similar. Front door opens, zzzzzooooooooooooommmmmmm bouncy bouncy bouncy and more zoooooooooommmmmmmm and she's gone.

It's an enclosed square so she can't get anywhere, other than splashing in fountains, in the rubbish room for a snack, in next doors house to terrify the cat, but still. She's a twatdog. And she's a grown up too so no teenage years to blame, she's just a a twatdog.

Eric was a twatface last week when dh opened the door, luckily the neighbour across the cul de sac was irresistible and so freedom lasted seconds. Today Eric seems a bit under the weather and off his food so twatface title goes to dh

I feel your pain, my youngest is 9 months and has turned into an absolute shit. He's monstrously naughty at the moment and does a fine line in winding all the other dogs up as well

I remember it well.

I once let young Haffdog off the lead on the way home from school when we had a friend coming home to tea. Haffdog found a decomposing squirrel corpse in the woods. 45 bloody minutes it took to get her close enough to re-lead her. She was throwing the putrid thing in the air, dancing round us tempting us to chase her, teasing us and scooting off. Of course we couldn't get her back until she had swallowed the whole thing [bleughhh]. God it stank.

All the while the little friend stood watching bemused saying Can we go now? why is she doing that?

I wish I knew why I had dogs

Oh these stories made me laugh and brought back some awful, now funny, memories; the worst one when my now, lovely 3 year old Ddog was around eight months.

Ddog and I had spent a lovely afternoon with DD and her dog in a, thankfully, enclosed park. We arrived there at about 1.15 and left at about 5.30 by which time we were all frozen, it was pitch black - it was mid December - and I was ready to kill Ddog.

Her recall was amazing, each time I called she'd come bounding back instantly. Only to bounce away again as soon as I made a grab for her. It's a great game dodging the human hand.

This 'game' went on for quite some time. We tried ignoring her, running away in the hope she'd follow, all sorts of tricks. Nothing worked. Eventually, with the help of a lovely man with a torch and his beautiful greyhound and after what seemed like a lifetime, we managed to herd her into a corner of the park and my daughter leapt on her and held on tight; tbh I think the only reason DD was able to catch her was because she was getting tired at this point and wanted to be caught.

With many thanks to the lovely man and his dog we set off back to the car only to discover I'd dropped my car keys in the park.

After borrowing a torch from one of the nearby houses - lovely man and his dog had left by this time - we returned to the park without much hope of finding them but miraculously, somehow my daughter managed to locate them.

I couldn't bring myself to talk to Ddog for the whole journey home and it took a while for me to forgive her; well actually, probably not that long really considering her heinous crime.

She was on a trailing lead for many many months following that little episode.

Oh God, yes. My 9 month old decided to chase a tractor ploughing a field today.
Totally ignored my increasingly fish wifey screeching, as I impaled myself in the hedgerow trying to chase after him. He bounded quite merrily for about half a mile ( may be a slight exaggeration), before trotting back again and expecting a treat.
He. Did. Not. Get. One.
I punished him by making him sit while I picked elderberries. He hates that.

Crikey PigsDOfly - that's enough to make you weep!

I couldn't bring myself to talk to Ddog for the whole journey home

I also have a twatdog. He is lovely though despite barking at the cows in the park and I feel heartened that I am not along in canine twat ownership

Oh she strikes again.

Running around the park quite merrily, playing fetch with her favourite ball, recall literally 100%, sit stay perfect.

Then a toddler appears from sodding nowhere on the horizon.

A game thinks twatface. So off she pelts, jumps up, sends poor toddler flying, then carries on running rings around us.

Twatface is a whippet, so no amount of chasing will catch her. It's futile.

And I can't long line her-the speed she runs, it would break her beck.

I'm of course apologising like I've just murdered said child, mum is smiling and being more than understanding- saying that they did appear from nowhere so I didn't have chance to pop her on a lead, but still.

Any more antics and there will be a one way trip to the vets

I'm so glad it's not just me. And they do grow out of this, yes? Promise?!

Long line attached to a chest harness? That's what I do for my speedy young dog with dodgy recall. I also let out gradually so she knows how long a distance she's got.

I. Want. A. Dog.

Can't have one because of stupid job which means out of house for too long on three days.

Threads like this make me want one more.

Sorry.

My dog was born a twat and will die a twat. (Probably prematurely and probably because I will strangle her.)

My springer was a nightmare at around 8 months. I could have cheerfully packed his bags for him several times.

We live near the sea, and he discovered a liking for rolling in putrid, rotting, dead seagulls at around then. It's the worst smell I have ever encountered, but it was like he couldn't control himself as soon as he got a whiff. He had great recall, but as soon as he got the merest whiff of decomposing seabird, his brain fell out of his head. I had a convertible at the time, and many a journey home was made freezing my arse off with the roof down as it was the only way I could drive him home without throwing up in my own lap.

He's 6 now, still a bastard with a unflinching love for dead seagulls but he has learned that when I've resorted to screeching "come here you absolute bastard dog" like a fishwife, I really do mean business and he'll be grounded from going to the beach

nishky you can have mine.

I don't care that you work.

Lock the fucker in a cage and leave for the day. It's the only way

Yes I could get a harness couldn't I.

My concern then would be her running off and circling like she does, and swiping everybody out at ankle level with the lead.

It would just be easier to euthenise the bitch.

I do love her really

Sorry monkey my post probably wasn't the most helpful

And I am really laughing at 'come here you absolute bastard dog'.

I should probably back quietly out of the thread.

Monkeyface - you can attach a longline to a harness safely - I know lots of lurchers that have to trail a line (its still problematic catching them because most of them are even faster than the whippets!).

Mine isn't too bad most of the time, but managed to con me into letting her off after the horses (which I had seen just in time and got her on the lead) were only about 800 yards down the beach in the opposite direction. Mistlehound did a lovely big loop away from the horses and then pelted back down the beach towards them (glancing at me on the way past at speed, by which time I was already shouting at her so she couldn't not have realised I didn't want her to go and see them). Luckily the horse riders were warned of the impending dog by the screams - and mistlehound didn't want to chase them, she wanted to play with them and gave them a play bow and woof to alert them to the fact that she wanted to play. When they stood still and clearly weren't going to play she ran back to me and threw herself at my feet (and was on the lead for most of the rest of the walk until the horses were not visible at all). So it wasn't a long time she was gone, just very embarrassing and not good. We've been on some stock training since then and have some options to try to change her behaviour if it occurs in the future (as long as we're far enough away from the horses to not frighten them!).

The obvious solution is to walk all the bastard dogs together. They can terrorise/splatter/lick each other to death.

I live in Durham.

Willing to travel

Mine (up until now, reasonable, without being brilliant), disgraced himself AGAIN today. Twice.

Early morning walk, putrifying rabbit. Said rabbit is no longer rotting on the ground, it is firmly ingrained on black lab. (Or was, until the hose was turned on him).

Walk two. Oh, is that another labrador I see thirteen miles away? I will just pop over and say hello.

Girding my loins for our last walk. We have had words. I expect excellent behaviour.

Stresseddog is also a twatface, superb recall except when the door is open she wanders out does not come back when I call her name or shout dinner/biscuit then she SHITS either on the grass opposite my house or in a neighbours garden!!!

You all need to follow my cunning plan.:) You start uni so you have to be out of the house for four full days, you then pay your dog trainer(who you have sneakily moved house so you live opposite) to come and take twatdog to training classes/walks etc. Said dog tries to round her up and as she said 'we had words' he now trots adoringly at her heels everytime we go out for a walk with a soppy expression on his face. Whatever she has I wish I could bottle it!

I have high hopes that he will eventually stop being a twat when it's just me.

Eric is being a twatface of the highest order today, he's taught himself to open zips and shredded most of the contents of my handbag and ds's school bag. He's also decided that doors are no longer a barrier because he's perfected the art of swinging on the door handle whilst simultaneously kicking his back legs against the door. He's currently giving me the evils because I've told him off and doing his best poor, terrified dog act to everyone else

I too have a twatface dog. A chocolate labrador to be precise - the twattiest of a twats. As soon as there's a chance to escape she's down the road rummaging in someone's bin. I found her with long strands of spaghetti bolognese hanging over her ears and nose last week. Stupid dog.

My dog has been good today. I think she is saving it all up to disgrace me later.

DickDog was quite good today, she dragged the arms off me for miles. She doesn't get off the lead with me apart from in one field, because my nerves can't take it. Anytime I'm with husband and her and he lets her off the lead I spend the whole time with my hands in my cheeks hissing 'get her!! For fucks sake!' And mentally preparing myself for never getting her back.

The dick is a springer sheltie cross, and she springs, sniffs and also has the herding dog traits of watching, chasing, and obsessing. Fuck my life. She's a year old, apparently they calm down at around 2....

(Apart from her manic rampages, she's utterly utterly gorgeous, and gets doted on all day long, nothing is too much trouble, we live to serve her and love every second of it.)

*ON my cheeks.