My dog is a Fucking Twatface.

[monkeyfacegrace]

Why? Just why do dogs turn into twats at around 8 months old?

Monkeyfacetwatdog had a lovely recall.

We walked for an hour this morning over the fields, she romped with other dogs, chased balls and butterflies, and rolled in fox shit. Fun fun fun

So why, oh Jesus Christ WHY, whenever there is the slightest gap in the front door when the kids are coming in or out, does she make a beeline for it, and then RUN AWAY.

I call her, she looks at me to say 'you dumb bitch', then legs it. Oh bouncy bouncy isn't this fun I'm going to play with the foal next door, or knock over any children in my way and hop like a bastarding new lamb in front of anything that gets in my way.

You've all made me feel 100% better about my twatface, who I thought must be unique

Dick dog broke my mum's nose -do I win? When she was about 4 months old, by running past her and butting her nose with her concretey skull. Broken nose and a black eye in time for Christmas.

Our old girl once barfed up a net that goes around a joint of meat. The joint of meat had been cooked one week before the vomiting, so it had been stagnating for a full week in her belly.

When she was old and couldn't walk anymore, she managed to miraculously jump up and steal five raw sausages off the counter, and a teaspoon covered in peanut butter. We were so proud!

When the collie was a baby he ate a door, and him and old girl broke into a container that held loads of nuts for birds. It took my mum three hours to clean up the resulting poo....
In hindsight, this wee puppy is no trouble at all!

Mmm. Guess who bolted this morning whilst I had my head down the toilet with morning sickness.

Ds answered the door to his friends and off she toddled.

It was a choice between, 'fine, fuck off and die', or 'waddle up the road in my jammies and tear streaked face screeching like a banshee'.

I chose the latter. So either this is normal, or we are all shockingly bad owners!!

We have NeuroticBitchDog. She does have some justification - she's a rescue dog, who was a breeding bitch who had at least two litters, and was then reformed to a young family in a flat - so not the right home/family for a lab-pointer cross who likes running, and was sent to the Dogs Trust when she developed separation anxiety and howled whenever the lady of the family was not in the same space as her - and we adopted her from there, so she has had two homes, neither ideal, and then been at the rescue kennels for a month.

But she barks at everything. Anyone who comes to the door - even family - she goes bonkers. The postman, any delivery men, the window cleaner (she barks at him in every downstairs room - that is such fun), people who walk past our house either on the pavement or along the path behind the back garden. Neighbours who have the unspeakable nerve to walk or drive up their own drives. Sometimes she barks at absolutely nothing.

And she is ClingyDog too. If dh isn't home, I will do, but if he is home, then he is HERS. If we try to sit together on the couch, she will wedge herself in between us - any cuddles are hers.

If there is any stress or tension in the house, she gets onto the back of the house and basically sits on my head - it's like she has to get to higher ground, and I am it.

It's just as well we love her.

My twat face dog bites dh given half a chance. Certainly tries every day to have a good lunge at him.

Starts fights with other dogs, only if they're bigger than him.

Eats the post, eats shoes, zips, rucksacks, computer leads, sleeping bags.

Runs out the front door given half a chance.

Is generally a bastard and is under a dog psychiatrist. We actually go and sit on a leather sofa at £160 a session.

I only go to work to pay my dog's psychiatrist's bills.

Viva you win for the dog psychiatrist!!!

I am currently being grumbly-yipped at every time I move because Crazy Demented Collie is tired and I'm keeping him up late. He huffs off the the hall if I breathe too loudly

When mine was a puppytwat he ate the corner of one of the skirting boards. DH, not a big dog lover, was slightly pissed off, but remarkably calm as it was replaceable.

Then puppytwat ate, the next day, the corner of the kitchen cupboard. DH got slightly more twitchy.

The next day I came home and the fuckingbastardpuppytwat had eaten the kitchen wall. MY tail was between my legs when I told DH. Bought pup a crate after that

Just a reminder of why we put up with them

Kelptronic I also have a twatfaced collie who has a love of lurpak butter - he has had the option to 'steal' other butters, but he prefers lurpak.

He has good taste IMO

Punterlab was twatface and dickdog today. He tends to be a bit more adventurous on walks now (he is 2) and goes the long way round and meet us further up - fine. Disappeared after rabbits at 5pm today on the walk then barked, barked non stop for 5 mins in an almost inaccessible place full of brambles, high grass, nettles the lot. Turns out someone had left several small plastic bags on the bushes fluttering in the breeze that were giving him stress. Tried treat, favourite toy, whistle, the lot. Bark, bark bark. Then just when i got to him, scratched, stung, and shoes full of animal poo, off he scampered back to the path and waited with that look on his face - what's up?

SmallTwatDog likes to chew our possessions in twos. So she's chewed two pairs of Skype headsets, two pairs of my flip-flops, two pairs of sunglasses, two sets of brush and shovels... but she still hasn't chewed the two chew toys I bought her to stop her chewing on other stuff.

LargeTwatDog has ishoos. As well as being impervious to all known forms of flea control, he gets upset if we go for a swim, if we play with STDog, if we walk down the lane without him...I feel like telling him to man up but obviously that would be mean. I didn't know that an actual dog psychiatrist was A Thing, although I've joked that he neeeds one often enough.

Small fry in comparison and not in twatface territory really. But our 6mo lab managed to get his hands on an unopened child's toothbrush, open it, then chew the fecking thing to bits.

Ds1 (3) is really sad as it was HIS new toothbrush.

I would really like to start up one of those 'guilty dog' video threads. My dpup was flipping hilarious when confronted. Smiled then sloped off as low to the ground as he could whilst still moving. Bless him.

My dog used to do this too. Whenever the door was left open for w nanosecond she would bolt, jump the fence and race down the road.
The only way to get her back was to drive to wherever she was, open the window and she would jump in. If I chased her on foot she would run away faster.
The old man who lived in the next field over would be standing at his gate shaking his head and saying aye you need a leash on that pup. Really?? Thanks for that.
She did it at the beach once too and I was totally stumped as I couldn't exactly drive down to the sea. I caught her FIVE times and each time I got her back to the car she managed to get away and race back to the shore. We provided some entertainment that day!

Last night, dh and I were trying to have a three-way phone call with my BIL, to discuss my MIL's serious health problems, and how to deal with them. Dh was using the landline upstairs, and I was downstairs, on the couch, with ddog2. She decided that the best way to show her support and love whilst we had this stressful discussion was to lie there barking and farting in her sleep!

She has form for twatdog behaviour - her best ever was finding half a dead seal on Stevenston beach - a very runny, stinky dead seal - and rolling luxuriously in it. Dh had to bring her home on the train, and was very glad that the carriage he was in was empty - even ddog1 (a labrador, and therefore an animal of very low tastes and appetites) thought ddog2 was too stinky to sit near! When he got home, dh was planning to walk her through the house, upstairs, through our bedroom and into our en suite to shower her in there - until I put my foot down and said No WAY was she coming indoors until she had been hosed down outside. We shampooed her and rinsed her twice outside, and she still needed a third shower indoors, to finally rid her of the pong - and we ran out of dog shampoo, so the last shower was with Lynx, so she smelt like a teenage boy!

My dog jumps on the back of the sofa and stands on my head to get a better view of the neighbours bringing their bins in every Monday. She then barks - no - SCREAMS at them through the window, whilst gaily trampling me underfoot despite my protests.

Trollsworth our doggy twats also like to berate the neighbours for putting out the bins, bringing them in, coming in from work.. the nerve of these people!

Oh yes - neighbours who have the sheer, unmitigated cheek to drive up their own drives or walk up their own paths!! Utterly unasseptable!

Haha unasseptable in the extreme!
I need supertwatdognanny actually. One of ours is actually known as "the devil dog" by our dog walker. Luckily her dad normally walks the pair of them - he must have a high twatdog tolerance threshold

I'll swap any of your dogs for mine...

He has elbow dysplasia, had surgery for that which required surgery at an orthopaedic specialists, weeks of crate rest and then even longer just resting...then longterm Metacam.

After all that he wasn't hugely well socialised with other dogs, so I took him to a behaviourist to work on it, he completely out of the blue tried to attack her...after referral to another specialist it turns out he has a spinal problem which can be managed with painkillers, but it took so long to find the right combination that he now has to be on lead and muzzled when out and kennelled when we have visitors because he thinks dogs and strangers were causing the back pain.

Then the Metacam gave him an ulcer, the symptoms were masked by his other painkillers, it perforated, he had to have emergency surgery from yet another lot of specialists where they gave him just over 50/50 odds if it went well, it didn't, they had to remove part of his stomach and duodenum and he has a scar running along most of the underside of his body.

This was all before his second birthday...I used all his insurance last year, plus £200 in excesses and £500 that went over and his premiums are now £110, but his drugs cost so much that it's not worth cancelling.

Oh yes, he also had food intolerances which I thought we'd cracked but he's now getting problems with his ears that might be to do with that.

He's still a bit hit or miss with other dogs outside and will randomly decide he doesn't like the look of someone walking towards us. (Though thank god, he is improving)

He steals anything he can get hold of that's made of metal or plastic, he will drop and leave, but I can't get him to stop wanting to take them in the first place.

He's eaten all the plants in my garden, even though he's supervised, he just did it more slowly than if no-one was watching.

He broke my DP's tooth, they were playing, DP bent down, the dog looked up at the same time and hit DP in the face with his concrete head breaking a front tooth.

Last week he had a go at the vet because it wasn't the one he knows, he gave her his paw...then objected to the fact that she had the paw that's on his sore leg

He's twice pulled down my trousers trying to get to another dog, in public...

Anyone want to swap? Lol

He has good points, he's lovely when he's not doing any of those things I've just mentioned and, um , he picks up tricks easily...

Shockerdog was very well behaved on her walk today .

I wasn't actually holding her lead, my super fit friend and personal trainer was (also a very experienced dog owner).

Very fit friend now has two bruised blue knees following whip back from the extendable lead... and a pulled muscle in her back.

Shockerdog still needs work...

Tabula you win!

I've taken advice on the singing and attempted herding of my DS and Collie Twatdog needs a behaviourist, boo! That's £300 I don't need for food/bills/petrol, oh no, don't need that no...I do have insurance but it's £200 excess, probably not worth the resultant price hike.

Anyone want a collie? Only slightly broken

Swap? I'm good with singing and my DC are teenagers..they could use a bit of herding, lol

Ha no! You definitely win!

Love this thread! I feel so much better about my 4.5 month old collie/new zealand hunterway cross (double trouble). My sister has a puppy the same age as mine, but about a 3rd of the size; cocker spaniel, or is it a springer?? The smaller of the two anyway. Mine in comparison can pull arms out of sockets when on lead and see's another dog or person, can jump up and reach butter at the very back of the kitchen work surface (lurpak is also good, or lacto free marg he loves, happily devours a whole pot). He loves to say "hello" with his teeth, on your ankles, shins, calves, forearms, buttocks, thighs, face .... He gave a 6 foot plus burly man a bloody lip cos said man insisted on bending down to say hi, after being warned puppy was uber bouncy and toothy and to please turn away if puppy jumps up/remove human limb at first inkling of toothiness. Some people won't we told.

But he's lovely my pup. Shows promise with training (ha bloody ha!) but who can compete with the wonderful smells of Nature, or the pungent aroma of bins?

He has to come to work with me and at one venue he has a field of pigs to one side, a field of sheep and horses to another, roaming chickens, guinea pigs in a pen on the lawn, the house dogs and numerous people coming and going. Poor love has to be on a long lead tied to back of my car with his crate and numerous toys at his disposal. I check on him every hour and give him 10 minutes play and brain activity, then pray he'll be quiet another hour while I get some work done. It's hard for him with all that distraction. I feel quite cruel

I've got a teenage JRT who was sent to a rescue by his former owners due to twattishness. He's 11 months old now, and the training is going well. His recall at the start was pretty good, but now if he's outside having a good old shout at cats/delivery vans/other dogs/neighbours/bicycles/hedgehogs/anything else he finds offensive, he has taught us that unless he really wants to come back indoors, he will only respond to the offer of a naice bit of cheese. By the end of the year, he hopes we'll have set him up with his own personal fridge.