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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

Original poster

My dog is a Fucking Twatface.

86 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 14/09/2014 14:49

Why? Just why do dogs turn into twats at around 8 months old?

Monkeyfacetwatdog had a lovely recall.

We walked for an hour this morning over the fields, she romped with other dogs, chased balls and butterflies, and rolled in fox shit. Fun fun fun Hmm

So why, oh Jesus Christ WHY, whenever there is the slightest gap in the front door when the kids are coming in or out, does she make a beeline for it, and then RUN AWAY.

I call her, she looks at me to say 'you dumb bitch', then legs it. Oh bouncy bouncy isn't this fun I'm going to play with the foal next door, or knock over any children in my way and hop like a bastarding new lamb in front of anything that gets in my way.

OP posts:
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holmessweetholmes · 16/09/2014 14:52

Hmm. Have just today put our name down for a puppy. Our first dog. Have I let myself in for years months of twatfacedom?

mistlethrush · 16/09/2014 14:55

Evenbetter - DS's school friend's springer died last year, aged 18. I wouldn't say he was quiet even at that age. 2 might be pushing it. I'm thinking 11 or 12 for my lurcher and 15 for the border terrier.

Shosha1 · 16/09/2014 15:03

LittleDog is twat dog in our house.
Thinks it's great to chase skylarks on Salisbury Plain in the spring. No amount of shouting will make her return.

She also likes chasing the soldiers on exercise. ( they don't help they make a fuss of her)

BigDog snd I resort to sitting on the grass and just waiting got her ( sigh)

Stinkle · 16/09/2014 15:56

Even my springer did calm down noticeably at around 2.

The shagging everything in sight stopped (he now just does it to the duvet cover I'm trying to put on), his behaviour and concentration span improved a lot (unless it's windy) and at home he slowed down a lot - he's not constantly getting into mischief. He was also easier to tire out on walks - I used to take him out on my bike - I cycled 8 miles while he ran, swam in the river, dug holes, chased squirrels, etc. twice - a - bloody day! And it still didn't touch the sides!

He's 6, still completely batshit, but the scrapes are fewer and further between.

kagoolhandluke · 16/09/2014 16:43

I have a dildo of a Dalmatian, who is adorable, but a complete fuck nuts when it comes to jumping up at people. Nothing I do or say, deters her. When I think I'm a safe distance away from other folk, I let her off the lead (woodland walks etc) but there have been times when she has gotten a sniff of another human ( the naked eye has not seen) and she's been off, with me in hot pursuit and arriving too late to save an unsuspecting walker from having bloody great paw prints stamped on them. Not cool Blush

trevortrevorslattery · 16/09/2014 17:04

Actually I have 2 twatdogs. The youngest is a boisterous little fucker and jumped into a child's pushchair at the weekend. Luckily the child and its parent didn't seem to mind. The oldest is more of a sneaky twat (selective hearing and huffiness) but he is my PFB and I love him.

AND my boss just brought his nob of a puppy in to the office! brilliant. It was biting the carpet and peoples' trousers.

I can't imagine life with a sensible dog. It must be rubbish.

LittleMilla · 18/09/2014 21:10

Just crying with laughter...my boy is 5.5 months Hmm

Catsmamma · 18/09/2014 21:22

Our second dog was a twatface...he used to cavort all around the countryside after hares or deer....once he has sight or sniff of either his recall was shot to shite.

he caught a hare once....he put it up from some rocks at the beach, and the stupid thing ran for the cliffs but spotted me and ran back to the rocks where twatdog caught it in a gully and killed it.

I was raging....assorted language was employed and he did come back in his own time. It wasn't till later I spotted my neighbour and chums just off shore in his fishing boat and gave them a cheery wave.....neighbour had a conversation with dh a few days later and dh mentioned the demise of the hare on the rocks. Neighbour said "your wife knows a lot of swear words"

Blush
ThatBloodyWoman · 18/09/2014 21:25

ThatBloodyDog managed to chase a visiting cat, the chooks, and ThatBloodyCat today.

He had to walk the walk of shame to his bed to think about what he'd just done, the little sod.

Toooldtobearsed · 18/09/2014 21:36

Bloodywoman that is unusual in your house?

Just a normal day here...... However, Lydia (head girl in the Chicken Shack) has his measure, she has him bouncing around by pecking his paws Grin

Toooldtobearsed · 18/09/2014 21:38

Oh, and cat parades in front of him when he tires of chasing said cat around the house. With tail swishing, it is positively 'chase me, chase me!!!'

ThatBloodyWoman · 18/09/2014 21:40

We need a Lydia....

Our big ol' cockerel squawked around like a proper, well,chicken......Grin

LostInWales · 18/09/2014 21:41

I read the OP and didn't need you to come back and update that twatdog was a whippet . Oh the fun we've had playing 'you can't catch me' on the beach.

SunshineAndShadows · 18/09/2014 22:09

SO happy to see this thread - just back from walking DDog and TwatDog. DDog(6) was well behaved loveliness, TwatDog(1.5) is definitely still in teen-phase. (And has been since she was about 5 months old). She changes so much from week to week, lulls me in with her perfect recall then when I've relaxed, turns into feral un-catchable dog, who love to play 'dodge the human' Hmm
Tonight I made the schoolgirl error of walking them off lead AND LEFT THE RECALL TREATS IN THE HOUSE Shock DDog was an Angel. TwatDog does the whole "show me what you've got and I'll decide if it's worth my while to come back" thing. And I've got nothing.
Took an hour of chasing round in circles before she'd had enough 'play' to be caught. Now snoozing like an angel. Twat.

goodasitgets · 18/09/2014 22:14

I am dogsitting for small twatdog. It follows me continuously whining, scratching at doors and demanding to be picked up
I solved the problem by going to the park with a friend and her Great Dane. Said Great Dane likes to chase small, fluffy things
I let twatdog off lead and watched as. Great Dane ran it for 2 hours
Twatdog slept for 7hrs straight and I got peace and quiet Grin

Kleptronic · 18/09/2014 22:15

I have a twatfaced dog! He's trained to within an inch of his life (border collie, so it was do that or have an insane dog, no wait...) but every so often he goes 'fuck you, ma! I'm my own shepherd now!' And then he

  1. scarfs discarded burgers/hot dogs/chips he's found at the beach. Fair enough, but he's not food motivated in training. It's the 'stealing', or defiance, he loves.
  2. runs off to harass blameless dogs if I haven't spotted them in time. He is a right gnarly bastard. He's been neutered. He's been to many obedience classes with umpteen dogs. Made no difference.
  3. streaks through the front door to harass the Bernese Mountain Dog who lives on our street (they hate each other, that's not pretty). I have no idea how he knows when he's out there.
  4. makes kitchen art installations out of the lidded kitchen bin contents. They are actually quite pretty, he carefully places everything fairly evenly all around the room.
  5. steals, gets the lid off the tub without a toothmark, and eats the lurpak off the counter. Which DS has left out. For the umpteenth time. Again, he's not food motivated.
  6. refuses to go up bridges in agility. He loves agility.
  7. rolls in stinky sea mud. He's very fastidious and clean, usually.
  8. has a warbling sing-along if anyone is talking in a remotely animated manner.
  9. pisses on my leg if another dog comes to say hello to me.

He's four. Four! He's never going to stop, is he. Does anyone want a collie? Or has anyone got any sheep I could borrow please?

Toooldtobearsed · 19/09/2014 05:28

Klep love number 4 Grin

With a previous gitdog I used to find banana skins all over the house, just one very few days or so, but on the floor, not on tables etc.,

Children were young at the time and always got the blame until one day when I stood and watched my labrador go up on back legs, select a banana from the fruit bowl, peel it, eat it and walk away leaving the peel on the floor.
Obviously a health conscious young man!

trevortrevorslattery · 19/09/2014 14:03

Loving all these twatful tales Grin

MrsPnut · 19/09/2014 14:18

Our dog is also a twatdog - her speciality is prancing across the field pretending not to hear me to say hello to other dogs and then she gets the nark on when they want to sniff her bum.

She does the little looks over her shoulder as I am shouting her name, it's the dog equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and singing la la la I can't hear you. Angry

Whatdoesaduckdo · 19/09/2014 14:23

I have a twat dog and a dick dog. Twat dog is a 7 yo lurcher who will bolt if the door is open and make for the beach to chase seagulls I now just go and sit in the dunes and wait for him to give up.
Dick dog is a 3 yo Basset he was perfect but now!! He has decided to go visiting the neighbours when he can to gobble the bread they leave out for the birds

Shockers · 19/09/2014 14:31

I'm so glad I found this thread Grin.

Shockerdog is a twatface of the highest order and makes me feel completely inadequate when I'm on doghouse threads.

She's very beautiful with a twatface that only a mother could love though.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 19/09/2014 14:33

I have a twatdog. She was on the long line yesterday as we were sheep-training (with the owner of said sheep). She came back every time. Was perfect and good and wonderful.

Owner of sheep says, "she'll be fine, let her off."

Twat-owner (against her better judgement, why oh why oh why did I do it?!) took her off the lead.

...

So after herding up said sheep, and ignoring me completely, she finally came back looking everso proud of herself.

Sheep owner was fine about it (we were in with fit and healthy and in no way pregnant yearlings). I was Blush

I know it was my fault really. I knew she wasn't quite there yet. She's completely unaggressive, she just wants to play with everything.

Maybe I should put her in with rams? That might change her mind!

I hate puppies. Can't wait until she grows up.

And she stole my carrots off the shelf.

Shockers · 19/09/2014 14:34

Twatposeur.

My dog is a Fucking Twatface.
ElizaPickford · 19/09/2014 14:52

Oh god, I have a twatface but he's 19 months old now so perhaps he's going to stay a twat forever?

He's made us hyper-paranoid about doors; if he can get out the front door he's off like a shot and it's amazing he hasn't been hit by a car, we have to be incredible vigilant. Same with the stair gate on the stairs; he's fine downstairs but if he can get upstairs he only needs 30 seconds to piss in every bedroom. It seems to be his goal in life to get up there and piss in my bed, the little bastard.

Oh, and as soon as we leave the house he walks all over the dining room table, rummages for poo bags (can find them no matter where you keep them!) and shreds them all over the house. I dunno what to do with him.

Lucky he's ridiculously gorgeous I can tell you.

MehsMum · 19/09/2014 15:13

Fabulous thread! I should be working but...
MehDog1 hates the other dogs on the street and just knows when one is walking past when I open the door. She can streak through a 2" gap to tell Other Dog what a loser he is and threaten him and swear. If other dogs come up to her when we're out walking she usually ignores them but if they get too close she does that bark which sounds like 'Fuck off!'
If we leave a chair out, she will use that to get up onto the dining table and see what's there. It might be one hard pea from last night but she did once find a tray of cooling fairy cakes.

MehDog2 is DorkDog. He's a big scardy and barks like buggery until the other dog barks back. As soon as this happens he's all, Oooh, no, I didn't mean it, look, I'm tiny really. If there are two other dogs he prostrates himself, grovelling. He's pathetic. But if there's one other dog and it looks a bit scared of him he turns in the playground bully. Little shit. He is improving, but it's taking time and tons of training treats
His recall is selective. It's usually very good but now and then he's just in an arsey mood. He's especially good at knowing when I'm in a hurry and will not really have the time to wash black stinky river mud off his feet.
He is a mature adult dog, btw.