If there was an alternative Crufts, what would your dog win?

[CMOTDibbler]

I'm idly watching Crufts and contemplating how Cmotdog would run round the agility at high speed the wrong way, then try and eat something.

But, based on today, he would win 'most horse poo eaten' and 'fastest consumption of pig ear'. And I wondered what other classes there should be for real dogs

Filthiest mouth award. PuppyMonster regularly swears at us in her bad way. She's got a fantastic line in silent barking whenever you tell her no & she thinks you're not looking and it can only possibly be translated as such expletives as...

"PM you can't have that sock/dummy/piece of plastic"...."fuck you"

"PM here's your dinner"....."where's the gravy/Philadelphia/ham/other goodies bitch?"

"my favourite toy is under the TV cabinet again...shit"

Oh yes and I forgot, fastest dog toy surgeon. He can perform a full "squeak-ectomy" on any known toy in approx 7.2 seconds.

Mine would win best impersonator of a cat award.

(OK, we don't have a dog; 3 cats though. Apologies)

Best dog with no eyes

My youngest dog could win best miniature springer (he's smaller than a lot of cockers), squeakiest spaniel and biggest bed thief.

My oldest dog could win grumpiest springer, best Jedi mind control for food theft, biggest wildlife worrier and muckiest pup.

Best impression of a chihuahua, including shivering and wanting to be held in your arms, by a dog who is already the size of a large labrador.

14 month old cocker would win twat of the year! and his dad would win reserve in show for twat of the year.........

Discovered a new one

Best at bringing your human down to your hygiene level by digging up and chewing through the hot water supply and the electrics for the boiler pump

joint first place goes to Floppy and Houdini with their innocent little faces, grrrr

Most wees on a walk - Gymdog would win this one paws down.

Best in Show at guilt-inducing looks. His expression once he knows you are going out without him is a masterclass in making me feel like a total heel.

Also Most Gorgeous caramel coloured eyes (used to great effect for guilt-inducing above)

Fastest disembowelling and total destruction of a cuddly toy. I swear that the cuddly toys all cringe to the back of the shelf at the pet shop when we come in!

Longest list of non-dog-food items consumed - that would be ddog1's (brown lab) catagory - the list of things she has eaten is amazing.

Sharpest elbows - that is ddog2 (pointer-lab cross) - I am sure she has more than the standard number of elbows, and they are exceedingly sharp, especially when she is using them to lever a space for herself between dh and I - I am not allowed to snuggle up to him, that his her place!

Dimmest expression - ddog1 is a shoo-in for this catagory. She is also well up the running for wussiest dog, having been backed down the meadow by a huge, vicious mouse!

mistlehound - lurcher:

Best dreaming upside down on the sofa with legs in the air
Fastest awake to dreaming twitchily
Lickiest dog
Longest retention of squeaky toy with squeaker intact whilst being played with regularly.
Toy juggling / throwing
Most destruction caused by throwing hard toy (these are no longer readily available in the house as missles hurtle at head level (when you're standing up) with no real warning)
Most playful non-retrieve
Best vertical jump on the spot.

Most inappropriate time to vomit.

Most inappropriate time to crap.

I know, I know, but puh-lease, not two minutes before the valuation agent turns up to view the house.

Cocker spaniel-collie cross.
Most needy.
You get the look...you know, the one worthy of an RSPCA and. then the chin on your knee. then nudging your hand. then a paw on your knee. then he'll try and get on your lap. This can all happen WHILE you are already fussing him.

That reminds me of another one, alwayslateforwork - most inappropriate place to vomit - ddog2 is sure to win this, based on the time she got up on the bed with me, for a morning cuddle, laid her head on my shoulder, and threw up onto the pillows and into the bed! Such fun!

Blee!

DP's 14.5 yr old lab would def win oldest thief and oldest bestest nose for snifffing out any food in a 50 mile radius!!

That is pretty much what I said, alwayslateforwork - swiftly followed by a comprehensive selection of swear words!

Oh, I love this thread! My neighbours labs would win, 'Fastest and most complete remodel of neighbour's garden' award. Luckily, we like our neighbour...and his dogs.

My parents dog would win, 'Oldest, frailest, most beloved and soon to go' award. :-( She'd also get 'Most likely to ask to go outside again because she can't remember if she already went out or what she went out for' award, bless her.

My old beagle would have won, 'Most beautiful ears' award, for sure. That's if he turned up, because he'd also win, 'Most likely to bugger off after deer and then get lost in the woods for hours' award.

Best hidden opposable thumbs award.
He must have them. He couldn't possibly have learnt how to open the cupboard door and pull out the bin on rails in less than four weeks, could he
Most violent stealth farts.

Fastest handbag raider and tampon chewer! (unused I hasten to add!)

Most fur brushed out whilst moulting (the pile of hair was seriously bigger than the dog!)

Knicker chewing award (concealed and then discovered by the gardener under the apple tree outside

Biggest puddle produced during fireworks night award.

Quietest bin raider

Scruffiest shih tzu

My youngest would win best amazing climbing dog - monkey dog by name, monkey dog by nature (that's what Affenpinscher means!) I swear he's worked out how to move chairs so he can get up higher!

Middle dog would win cleverest at human training, when it's cold he has trained DH to lift the covers so he can go under them by patting him (DH) on the head. He quickly worked out it doesn't work with me!

Oldest would get the best at stealth opening of zips and tupperware in order to consume contents! A while back she managed to do both in the 5 mins DS left his school bag unattended!

Best camouflage - give her a dark coloured carpet or sofa and she can disappear for longer than Richard the Third in a car park.

Best Barbecue Search and Rescue Dog - she once spent a full hour at a neighbours barbecue before they realised she didn't belong to any of the guests and brought her home. We thought she had camouflaged herself on the bed and hadn't realised she'd gone. She'd apparently had seven sausages and a burger before they brought her back.

I forgot to mention shoe tossing